The Parallel Universe of Infertility

 I reached out this week, asking many people to either publicize or participate in my Miscarriage and Fertility Support Survey. In doing so, I realized that most people who do not have miscarriage or infertility issues have little understanding of what those who are affected by them go through, from the time that it first occurs to them that conception is taking rather longer than they expected, or their first lost pregnancy, to their end result.  Additionally, the "end result" can be less often about overcoming or resigning themselves to the physical barriers and medical limitations and far more often an open-ended life condition; a parallel universe of sorts, in which women and men mentally group themselves with others whose journey or outcome is similar to their own.  For example:

• One or more miscarriages for unknown reasons

·         Those who have had their miscarriages investigated and medical treatment or alternative therapies (acupuncture, reflexology, herbs and/or change of diet) to maximize their chances of a birth

·         A live birth after previous miscarriages

·         People who never have living biological children

·         Parents who experience trouble achieving another pregnancy

·         People who have successful pregnancies, assisted or unassisted, after infertility

·         Grouping according to the reason for miscarriage and/or infertility, e.g. endometriosis, polycystic ovary syndrome, cancer, ectopic pregnancies, genetic conditions, age-related infertility

·         Other similarities of diagnosis or chosen treatment

·         Those who go on to create families through alternative methods: surrogacy, donor eggs, donor sperm, adoption

What they all have in common is (1) that they all want children and (2) that their experience in pursuing that goal is physically and emotionally challenging, stressful and at times, traumatic. Each couple's experience will be uniquely their own, and yet, familiar to others who have been down that road. They may live a normal life among family, friends and colleagues, while keeping the details, challenges and emotions of their quest to parent for this parallel universe of doctors, nurses, clinic staff, fellow patients and website friends, blood tests, hormone injections, ovulation cycles, procedures, inconvenient appointments and the swings and roundabouts of hope and disappointment, confusion, anger, grief and joy.

What can a Fertility Coach bring to the table?  I believe that one of the most important benefits of coaching in this context is the power to effect a bridge between these two “universes;” to be able to move forward, changed but not beaten by their experiences, wiser, stronger and courageously facing the future with the love and support of both camps.