I have read and heard a few comments lately that can be paraphrased as one common, unanswered question: "Why, of every woman in the world trying to have a baby, do I have to be infertile?" Whether said with sadness, frustration, grief or anger, the question is the same. "Why me?"
In some cases, it seemed that the woman, whether religious or not, was asking God as they understand him/her "Why did you choose me?" In other cases, the question seemed to be focused inwardly, as in "What is wrong with me?" In every case, it seemed that women were questioning whether they had somehow been found to be deserving of a condition that keeps them from doing and having what they always believed would be an essential part of their life: conceiving, carrying and giving birth to their own children. I understand that deep, painful query from my own experiences with recurrent miscarriage and infertility. I tortured myself, my mother and my husband with it.
Every day, I receive Twitter posts on infertility and miscarriage. Today, for example, there was this exchange:
waiting2adopt : #Infertility makes me feel like a failure as a human being. openadoptsupp : @waiting2adopt I know how you feel but infertility is an experience; it's not who you are. Hang in there. waiting2adopt : #infertility also feels like a punishment.
Sometimes, I want to reach right through the screen of my PC to take someone's hand and look into their eyes, andtell them "There is no fault or blame. You cannot fail at something over which you have no control. No one, including you, deserves infertility. It isn't personal, even though it strikes you so personally." I can share a quote that I read about ten years ago that helped me release my grip on self-pity and anger to move forward:
"People always ask me if I say to myself "Why me?" (about having Parkinson's Disease), and I tell them "Why not me?" Michael J. Fox, 1998.
I read this powerful statement and it changed so much for me. Michael J. Fox and I are the same age. I felt like I grew up with his TV and movie characters. In real life interviews, he seems honest, likeable and talented. I realized that I would eventually create my family one way or another, but there was, and is, no cure for Parkinson's. I'm sure that there have been plenty of times that he has felt swallowed up by the medical and day-to-day challenges of his condition, but the humility of that statement still remains present in him to this day.
As a coach, I don't tell my clients what to think or feel. I don't pretend to have the answers to all of their questions, especially the unanswerable ones. I did perservere through my own fertility struggle to have my two children and perhaps that will inspire some. I hope that I can help people reach deeply inside of themselves to find their core values; to what it is that makes them want a child. Is it to give love, to get love, to carry on their family, to unite and bind with their partner, to make a contribution to the world, to fulfill a religious or traditional edict for a woman, to fulfill their own ideal of womanhood and femininity, to be included in a lifestyle such as their friends have, or a combination of a few of these? There are no wrong answers, but once they know what they are, they can replace any blame, shame, anger or guilt with clear objectives, positive motivation and a strategy for getting the most out of life. They will know how long to keep trying and when to stop, what to be grateful for and what still needs to be done.
In the meantime, it doesn't hurt to have a really good gripe about the unfairness of it all once in a while. I will agree that "infertility sucks" as w.t.a. put it, but hopefully as o.a.s. answered her, infertility does not define who she is and her self-esteem, her relationship and her life as a whole are better than that.
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