"Enough" is a Different Value for Everyone, Adult or Child
I started out this series of posts on the subject of how we as parents spend money on our children, but somehow it has bled into the areas of the children themselves buying, owning, giving and valuing "things." It's about money, but not really about how much money you have. Children don't really equate what they have with what it all cost. They don't understand economics. Money is paper and coins with numbers on them. They don't equate it with how many hours you had to work at your job, how much is in the accounts and what else it could buy. They know that they saw something exciting in an ad on TV or that their friend from school has it, so they want it too. Is their attitude toward money more from their nature or nurture? Both, I think. Kids are influenced by everyone and everything around them, yet two children in the same family could have entirely different material values.
One marshmallow or two – Have you heard of the “marshmallow experiment?” I watched a documentary several years back in which psychologists (I think; or perhaps Prof Robert Winston) placed 2 marshmallows on the table before a seated child. Each child was asked if they wanted just 1 marshmallow right away, or 2 marshmallows, if they could wait until later. The child's thought process and actions were observed through a window: patient, struggling, snatching, indecisive. Since then, my husband and I have asked each other and our children “one marshmallow or two?" about everything from food to furniture.
You might think that it's the smarter child who decides to wait in order to get two marshmallows. Not necessarily. I'll use myself as an example of a "grown-up kid." I guess that the angel on my shoulder tells me I should value practicality and patience. However, my experience has been that if I go for the second option, something invariably gets in the way and becomes the priority (think beautiful rug v. central heating). I end up resigned and rather childishly disappointed. The devil on my opposite shoulder tells me that I should have gone for the rug when I had the choice and the cash! No doubt my children have figured that out too, but they are different from each other; one wants immediate gratification and the other is always content to take her chance and wait.
Don't make value judgements like smarter, better, greedier, right or wrong. If you can hold yourself back, don't force a particular outcome. Children have to have the opportunity to decide how big their desire to acquire is and, to that end, what they are willing to sacrifice. They will do whatever they find works best for them.
My original question was whether our spending as parents had changed because of the recession. So, should we shelter our children from either our personal financial position or the state of the economy? On the one hand, I think that the innocence of children should be preserved for as long as possible. It will be all too soon that they will have their own financial worries about jobs, University, a first flat, a car, insurance and taxes. On the other hand, they need to be prepared for the real world. Everyone will have their own spending strategy, so there is no definitive answer. I know that my own leaning is to maintain the status quo for the children as long as I can, so that their world doesn't change too much. I will cut back on toys first, new clothes second, new books third and lessons/experiences (Guides, swimming, tutor, etc...) last.
I'm aware that children have a completely different idea than adults about what constitutes “enough” possessions. They aren’t bothered by shelves and cupboards that bulge with puzzles, action figures, trinkets, stuffed animals, pictures, Lego pieces and thousands of felt-tip markers. No amount of alien figures will ever be enough for my son. My daughter will find a use for multitudes of journals and secret handbooks. It’s the parents who have the agenda to 1) de-clutter, 2) guide their children to develop an understanding of value, and 3) make appropriate decisions. The easiest way to do this is to tell children that you don’t have any more room. If they want something new, something older has to go. It's bribery, but the child makes the choice and it usually works.
I am also reminded that birthdays and holidays are magical to children; days when they can be the centre of attention and have wishes come true. For me, and perhaps others, it’s like a hurry up and wait scenario. I am keen to teach my children about overabundance, selflessness, budgets and sensibility, but perhaps in too much of a hurry. There are only so many years left that I will see the delight on their cake-smeared faces as they open presents and feel spoiled, for one or two days a year. They will learn when they are ready. I have to resist making everything into a learning experience and just let it be what it is.
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