Antidotes For The Worrier or Pessimist

I hear worry and negativity coming to me from all directions.  Worrying about general health, financial security and what will become of their children is big among the 55 and up generations.  Worrying about having enough to retire on comfortably and to help their children financially creeps into the lives of the 45 - 60 year olds. Worrying about what gravity is doing to their bodies or their general fitness is just begins with the 35 - 45 group. Seeping through the edges of their optimism in all of those groups is worry about job security anywhere they work and being properly covered by health insurance.   

I am not judging the validity of other people's anxiety. In fact, I am a worrier; perhaps genetically predestined to worry as the daughter and granddaughter of worriers. Somehow, though, I am finding ways to chase it away, or at least, to reduce it substantially. I haven't discovered anything miraculous. I have gotten tired of tossing and turning, comfort eating and nail biting. I got the feeling that I had become less than desirable company. How many people want to go out for lunch with a friend who spends so much time talking about her worries that neither of them have a particularly good time? Even worse, if both of you are worriers you just feed into each other's state of mind and go home feeling depressed.

A little while back, I noticed that my children were expressing worry, probably absorbed from my increasingly cautious warnings (don't, do this, stop and check, watch out you don't..., be careful, and wait for me) and delay tactics. I've never been overprotective, but the enormous amount of media attention on Madeline McCann's kidnapping and the return of Jaycee Lee Dugard, as an adult with children of her own, made me increasingly fearful.  I have actually believed all along that children need to be given independence and make their own mistakes in order to learn about the world and trust themselves. I was a little horrified to realize that I had turned, temporarily, into one of those parents who second-guess every move their children make. I wouldn't let my 9-year old walk up the hill to the Post Box on her own or wait for me in the magazine section of the supermarket while I went to find the bread aisle. Then I noticed that she wouldn't stay put in the children's books section, even in a small, open Borders, leaving a designated spot to come find me. She wouldn't ask anyone ("strangers,"  teachers, shop clerks, etc.) for information, always wanting me to ask for her. Just like I was as a fearful, shy child. I knew it was time to step back, hold my tongue and show trust in her ability to make sensibile decisions, rather than letting history repeat itself. Very quickly, she regained her self-confidence and is proving to me day by day that she is ready for more.

I have read that worry is an instinctive and useful mechanism because it makes us watchful for danger and promotes the process of creating solutions. Maybe it's just semantics, but I think what they really mean is concern, rather than worry. Concern is pointed toward a specific circumstance, such as a health scare, a job that is engdangered, or a low balance in the checking account.  Worry, in my book, is a pessimistic state of mind that holds drama and negativity and puts focus on the worrier, rather than on the person(s) they are worried about. It makes broad, sweeping comment: "I am worried about swine flu;" even if you have no better chance of catching it than someone else. 

I think worry is useless. It is an excuse that holds you back from trying new experiences. It uses up too much time that could be devoted to positive thought and activity. It also controls people, as in "I can't do that. My mother would worry too much." Worry eats away at your stomach, gives you wrinkles and migraines (according to my neurologist), and it doesn't actually do anything to increase your chance of a positive outcome. So, what can you do about it?

Forgive me for being redundant; I know that I have made this suggestion before. One of the simplest things you can do is to write in a gratitude journal every night. Even if it's been the day from hell, force yourself to find 5 things about which you can feel thankful. Seriously, use anything...the bus came on time, had a good hair day, enjoyed my talk on the phone with Grandma...lost 1/2 pound, whatever.

Every day that we have alive is a gift (I am not talking religion here) and has value...the beauty of a crisp Autumn day, learning to love your body, a laugh with a friend, an achievement you have worked toward, etc... After a while, the gratitude journal becomes habit before you switch off your light, and thinking of 5 things comes more easily. When you are having a really bad day, open your journal and read some of your entries from days where you felt very grateful. It helps put the day in perspective and reminds you that "this too shall pass."

Running close in effectiveness to the gratitude journal is keeping busy.  If you put your mind to something that requires concentration, you cannot be thinking of how worried you are.  I find that painting and writing are my next best antidotes to worrying.  I wrote short stories for children while going through my IVF. I never got them published, but the writing was cathartic. I still write and paint, having discovered that they are wonderful distractions for all of my stressful situations.  You probably have something you can use, like playing a musical instrument, playing a team sport, inviting friends over for dinner, reading, etc...

Third: Do something to restore some, if not all, of your controlover the situation that is worrying you. Why doesn't this come at the top of the list? Because when you are in the worrying mode, you often cannot gain any perspective or motivate yourself to do something big or scary.  When I look back at my IVF, I remember feeling terrified of the daily injections (needle phobia).  The only person I could trust to do the big, bad ones in my bottom was my father.  They were awful, but I was grateful that Dad would do them. At the same time I felt very let down when he told me that he was unavailable for 3 or 4 days during the cycle.  It was left to me to find a substitute swordsman. "OMG, OMG, I'll never get through his. I can't, husband can't, close friends can't..."  The days approached and I panicked, but then thought about what it was all for, and went public.  Taking back control means making your own decisions, facing responsibilities head-on and doing what you need to do.  I spoke up at a support group meeting and asked for help, admitting that I was not an easy patient.  Nevertheless, three members volunteered to do it at 8 a.m. before they left for work; not even close friends. The memory still makes me smile.

Finally, if you are in a truly bad place where you cannot distinguish between specific, legitimate concerns and overwhelming worries:

• make a list of all of your worries and next to each, put a word or two that describe how you feel as a result of it.
• Then, re-order the list from least worrisome to most worrisome. 
• If you have quite a few, separate them into two different lists, e.g. 1 - 5 least worrisome and 6 - 10 most worrisome.
• Compare lists; Some of your worries may actually cancel each other out, so cross them off.
• Then, directly next to each one, write down your best and worst scenarios that could happen. If the worst that could happen is still relatively harmless, cross it off. 
• With the worries that you have left, see if you can write down what you could do to prevent the worst case scenario, minimize its impact or find a feasible alternative. 
• For the ones that you can control, even a little, write down how you are going to do that. If there is anything that needs to happen and you have no control over it whatsoever, list all the characteristics present in you, or in someone who supports you, that will see you through it. 

Please leave your own suggestions in a comment. Thank you.