your great life

Can You Believe She Said That?

Do you get furious when a pregnant woman complains about her backache, morning sickness or size?  Do you hate every new mother who says within your hearing, that she has cracked nipples from breasteeding and it feels like a thousand burning needles?  The worst is when she says "I can't wait until this is over." You may be seething over an insensitive comment from someone who knows how difficult it has been for you trying to conceive, or having had a miscarriage. So what do you do?

How could she be such a cow when you would give anything to feel that nausea every morning?. Who cares if she has throbbing varicose veins  and can't wear skirts or shorts?  Don't you just want to scream: "For Gd's sake, get yourself some yoga pants and shut up!"  I would be right there with you, looking for a target, excuse me, scapegoat, for my infertility and miscarriage woes too.

Wait, let me qualify that. I'm just as prone as anyone to slagging off a cigarette smoking, apathetic looking, pregnant teen.  I carried a huge box of "it's not fair"s on my shoulders, but it was mostly between me and whoever was pulling the strings up there in the heavens. Why? Why me? Why now? What did I do wrong? What can I blame it on? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with him? What are we doing wrong together? (My pet suspicion was that my eggs and his sperm were allergic to each other.) Why am I the only one this is happening to? (I really thought it was just me for a while.) Doesn't Gd think I am a good enough person to be a parent? Am I being punished for something?  Why me?

I didn't let it get personal.  Several women friends, including my sister-in-law were pregnant or having their babies and I was sio happy for them.  My preg-jealousy was more of the "I want to be doing this with you" type rather than "Why should you have what I don't?" variety. I felt left out sometimes. I couldn't know exactly what they were feeling.  I transferred those feelings into a shopping habit, buying clothes, books, stuffed animals and miniature chairs for those children.  My attitude and behaviour were generous, but also self-serving damage control. I was already madly in love with my best friend's kids. I didn't want anything to come between me and my chance of being "Auntie Lisa." It would be even more miserable to be childless with no friends if I alienated everyone.  

There will inevitably be someone who pushes your buttons; that stupid comment that makes you want to push a pie in her face.  How could she?  Was she conscious of being cruel (the bitch), was it was a ploy to get some attention (I'm the pregnant one here), does she truly feel sorry for herself (the self-centred whinger), or is she completely clueless (thick)?  Shock sometimes renders people lacking the presence of mind to say anything back.  That's probably a blessing in disguise.  I'll tell you why.

• Pain is relative; one woman's repeating lunch is someone else's full-blown Exorcist experience.
• If you know each other, as friends, classmates, colleagues, relatives or neighbours, scratching her eyes out will have a permanent effect on your relationship.  Tip: If she's your boss, go through the HR Department.
• If you don't know the offender, you won't know what she has been through to become pregnant. Not every former infertile is part of the Sensitive Sisterhood. She may feel she's paid her dues and wants to take the pregnancy experience  as far as it will go.
•  If she's just a completely self-centred, whingey bitch, is she worth the trouble?
• The truly ignorant, "What did I say wrong?" girl needs to be educated, not annihilated.
• Crucially, if there is someone between the two of you, like your family, your partner's family or a shared best friend, it never pays to immediately over-react, even if you're right.  Take the higher road.  Don't make people choose sides.  It gets in the way of healing the rift.

Think about where her comment or conversation is coming from. It's a naturally female instinct, while pregnant, to consider herself the centre of the universe.  She takes care of that foetus by being super-attentive to her own needs. Unless the offending (or offensive) woman (OW) has been purposely bitchy (BOWwow), she is probably just thinking entirely of how she feels at that moment.  What she says matches how she thinks or feels. That's called congruence.  In other words, she's being real.

She may not have a natural filter that helps her decide what to say out loud or when to keep her mouth shut.  Some women regularly complain (COW) about everything: every period, cramps, headache, broken fingernail, etc.  In talking about her own problem, she is being authentic, but you don't have to like it.  Some women are merely self-centred (SOW); if she doesn't possess any emotional intelligence she can't pick up on other people's body language.   However, if a woman doesn't know you, or is just slightly clueless (SLOW), she won't understand that her comment has been hurtful or why hate vibes are coming her way.

So, give her something to think about, but make it appropriate to her faux pas.  A megaphone approach to the bitch won't help, but kicking her out of book club might. Even better, a controlled, softly-voiced response with a smile will put her in her place.  The ignorant commenter is best dealt with privately by either you or someone else asking her for coffee (decaf, of course) and explaining a few things.  There's no point in embarrassing her.  The rest I leave to you, but I'll add my own experiences in to the mix. 

One morning at the gym, a woman walked past and asked "Where's the baby? Do you have an au pair?"  I'd seen her there occasionally, but not often enough for her to realize I'd miscarried several months back.  My automatic response was "I had a miscarriage." I saw her stricken face and thought for a second that I had been rude in blurting it out.  I couldn't go to the gym in the mornings for a month afterward, for fear of seeing this woman again. I made it my fault, which is unsurprising, as my self-esteem was at an all-time low.

Then, when my daughter was two years old, I was trying to cope with secondary infertility.  In my local grocery store, the woman at the till pointed to my stomach and asked "How long until the baby comes?"  I said straight out, "I'm not pregnant." I maintained my control, paid for the groceries and then cried in my car. To this day, I still want to avoid her till whenever I see her working. Sometimes I get this OCD-type urge to get in her queue, but we don't indulge in friendly small talk like I do with the others.

Avoidance is my natural first response. Afterwards, I obsessively think about clever answers I could have used, running the scenario in my head over and over.  Do not copy this behaviour!  It uses mental energy that is best put to other things in life. It helps neither you nor the OW, BoWow, CoW, SoW or SloW.  (It makes me feel better to privately give them nicknames.)  If you need some closure on it, send her an anonymous tip in the post or get someone else to tell her that what she's said, so it will prevent upsetting another infertile woman.  Get over it as quickly as you can.  You don't want to hold anything negative for too long when you are trying to conceive, especially toward a close friend or family member. 

Know Thyself; Take a Look Down There

How well do you know your body and the way it functions?

 

I have come across women who are surprisingly uninformed or strangely misinformed about their reproductive health.  If you are trying to conceive, whether naturally or through fertility treatment, there is no excuse for remaining ignorant.

 

If you have no idea what the reproductive part of your female anatomy looks like, now is the time. Choose your timing carefully for privacy, grab a hand mirror and have a look “down there.” While we all have the same “equipment,” it’s just like noses, eyes, lips and ears; each woman’s external reproductive anatomy has individual characteristics. In the UK, the kids call this area your "bits." When I was a kid, I called it my wee-wee. My son calls it a front-bottom. Oprah coined a new term, calling it a vajayjay, and there are countless other nicknames.

 

Women often refer to the entire area between their legs and below their pubic bone as their vagina. More accurately, the vagina is only part of the larger area know as the vulva.  Knowing what’s there will only help your hygiene, your sex life and your understanding of conception and childbirth.  I actually had a drawing to illustrate what I am explaining, but for techie reasons unknown to me, it refuses to participate in my blog.  All you have to do is Google the word "vulva" if you need some extra help figuring out what is what.

  

When you are standing naked, looking down at your body, you may just see your pubic hair that covers your mons pubis; the fleshy bit about the size of your cupped hand, directly above the vulva.  If you don’t have a perfectly flat tummy, stand in front of a full-length mirror.  When your feet are spread shoulder-width, you may or may not be able to see anything else.  However, sometimes a woman’s outer and/or inner vaginal lips will protrude and be visible when looking at her straight on. Pubic hair varies enormously from one woman to another, ranging from short and curly, to dark, light, straight, thin, wiry, limited to the mons pubis and outer lips or spreading up the belly in a line to the belly button and/or down the inner thighs.  As I said, we come in different shapes and sizes; there is no one example of "normal."

 

If you sit on a chair or bed and spread your legs, use a hand mirror to identify:

• the outer lips of the vagina, which have pubic hair;
• the softer, smoother, thinner, inner vaginal lips;
• the clitoris at the top;
• the urethra; and the
• Vaginal opening.

While I hope that your sex education class in junior high covered this already, you may not have paid attention, so determined were you to disappear from embarrassment. It’s hard to believe but, many girls make it to womanhood without knowing that they urinate from the urethra, which is protected by the vaginal lips, but is not inside your vagina itself.  You don't urinate from the same orifice in which you insert your tampon. The urethra has a tiny opening. Then there's the clitoris, which is small and hides at the top of the vulva, protected by outer layers. When the clitoris is stimulated, it feels like the nerve centre of your entire body, creating an orgasm, through sexual intercourse or other form of friction. 

 

Any confusion about this may have been because the vagina does multiple jobs: it’s the 4 – 6 inch canal which accepts the penis into the female body during sexual intercourse, allows menstrual blood and cervical fluid to leave the body and when fully dilated, the passage through which your baby enters the outside world. 

 

Have you ever seen a painting or read a book in which a woman’s sex organs are likened to a flower blossoming?  When a woman is sexually stimulated, blood and naturally occurring lubricant make the vaginal lips swell, part and moisten, which may remind you of the petals of a flower like a rose or lily.  Countless artists have used it to symbolize the image of femininity and sexuality; none more famously than Georgia O'Keefe, a 20th century painter who lived in New Mexico.  

 

Women are sometimes made to feel embarrassed or ashamed of their sexual anatomy.  It may have started while caught playing doctor with the neighbourhood kids or when they first got their period and were made to feel that that area was dirty. In some religions, women have to be cleansed in a ritual bath after they menstruate, before they can sleep with their husbands again.  Men can also contribute to a woman’s negative thinking by using derogatory nicknames for her female sexual anatomy. It's not acceptable, as far as I am concerned. That's now, but as a young woman, I didn't have the confidence to refute those bullying words. Call it what you like, whether it's in the archaic, Latin terms, the modern, medical definitions or a nickname of your own. You don't have to buy into degrading, dismissive or crude slang.

 

If you are undergoing medical tests or treatment to help you conceive, you may be examined way more often than you had ever imagined, in a clinical atmosphere.  Doctors poke and prod and insert speculums and scanning wands, nurses walk in and out and medical students follow their senior consultants around. You may need invasive procedures to extract eggs or implant embryos. You may need surgical procedures to open up fallopian tubes or remove scar tissue or fibroid cysts. You may have to ask questions about sex, or endure having your romantic lovemaking or passionate sex life discussed as appointments on the calendar. Keep that flower image instead.  Create self-care rituals that are positive and feel-good; including cleansing of the vaginal area, trimming or waxing the pubic hair and wearing special lingerie that makes you feel special or sexy.  A woman’s body is beautiful and something to feel proud about.  Take care of it.

Drink, Smoke or Overeat and You May Be Refused Fertility Treatment

Conceive Online carried an article by Medical News Today, 25/01/10, asking whether women who are obese, smoke or drink alcohol should be entitled to fertility treatment. It reported that the European Society of Human Reproduction and Embryology (ESHRE) had done a study of the effect of these lifestyle habits on conception, pregnancy and the life of the child.  

When women drink alcohol while trying to conceive, and/or during pregnancy;

• they have less chance of conceiving, and
• if they do become pregnant; there are higher miscarriage rates. 
• There may be slower development of the foetus in the womb,
• premature delivery and even foetal death.
• Children can be born with Foetal Alcohol Syndrome, manifested in physical anamolies and behavioural and cognitive difficulties.

Smoking:

• can reduce a woman's ability to conceive, perhaps by 50%. 
• Her eggs may be depleted more quickly, and
• if a smoker does become pregnant she has a higher risk of miscarriage. 
• Children born to a smoker may have a lower birth weight, cleft palate and Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

Women and Weight: a sensitive subject.  Body Mass Index (BMI) charts assign the term "overweight" to women who score 25 - 29.9, "obese" 30 - 32 and morbidly obese at 33 and upward.  These numbers are approximate and variable. Risks include:

• Abnormal menstruation cycles and reduced chance of conceiving. (Weight loss raises the chance of conception in obese women.)
• Overweight women who do become pregnant have double the risk  gestational diabetes, and
• morbidly obese women (Body Mass Index of 33 and above) have eight times the risk. Their babies are at risk for neural and heart abnormalities. 

There is a clear implication that these are lifestyle choices which should counter access to assisted reproduction. In the case of alcohol consumption, ESHRE recommended that fertility doctors refuse treatment to women who drink moderately and are unwilling or unable to give it up.  They were less definitive in regard to smoking and obesity, but it seems that this Task Force on Ethics and Law is saying that women who make bad decisions about their health can be judged unfit or even undeserving of access to fertility treatment.  They recommend that doctors consider:

• the cost-effectiveness of fertility treatment for someone with reduced chance of success,
• obstetric risks,
• the respect for patient autonomy,
• the interests of society and
• the risk of serious harm to the future child.

In other words, balance the woman's right to live as she likes with a doctor's right to refuse treatment to someone who doesn't take care of her health. 

"The interests of society."  Whatever could they mean?  Is it anti-social to be a fat mother?  How fat?  If a woman is overweight but otherwise healthy, is BMI the only indicator that may keep her from getting access to fertility treatment?   I'm slightly afraid that there could be a moral judgement that women who overeat are guilty of the sin of gluttony and don't deserve to have children?  Judging fat people is sometimes the thin person's guilty pleasure.  By whose standards do they make that decision? Is it on a case by case basis, or all women 30 (40 or 50) pounds overweight?

How much alcohol does a woman have to drink before she is considered to be a danger to herself and her future child?  The article speaks of "more than moderate drinking," but I don't know what that means. Are they talking about a drink per day, a few units per week or a glass of something on a Saturday night?  My own specialist said that if a single glass of red wine every night made me feel relaxed and happy, he had no problem with that.  I travelled through France while pregnant, refusing cured meats, unpasteurized cheeses, foie gras, espresso and most shellfish, (that's another story) but sipping my "allowed" glass of wine.  Others warn women not to drink at all. Maybe I'm being picky.  These are only recommendations, after all.

It's easy to stand as an example of moral superiority when you don't indulge in one of these lifestyle choices. I don't smoke. I hate when others around me are smoking; the smell, the smoke, how it can ruin my otherwise lovely meal out, the potential of lung cancer, etc... Both the politically "correct" part of me and my conscience think that

1. if a woman is stupid enough to reduce her chance of getting pregnant for a daily pack of fags, she only has herself to blame, and
2. she has no right to bring a baby into the world with preventable conditions that could have negative impact on that child's health and life. 

On balance, while I believe that parenting may be fundamental to a woman's happiness ( I didn't say every woman)and even to the meaningfulness of her existence on Earth, I don't believe it is an absolute right.  If she conceives naturally, then she takes her chances with her child's health.  However, if she hasn't been able to conceive naturally, is she entitled to assisted reproduction?  Not necessarily. If she wants the NHS or her health insurance to pay her way, then she may have to fulfil their criteria. If she is paying her own way but the doctor of her choice uses ethical guidelines handed out by the ESHRE Task Force or by his/her own ethics to refuse her, she can try another doctor. It's medicine, but it's also a transaction between two parties.  To me, it's just the same as if a plastic surgeon turns away a patient who refuses to stop using sun beds.

What do you think?  Please leave a comment.  It would mean a lot to me to hear your views on this subject. 

I almost never forward jokes, but...

I laughed out loud.

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.

However, when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump (substitute a baseball bat if you're American) shoved up his backside.

No, I did not write this joke. I have no idea who did. It was sent to me by someone else with a sense of humour.

Adopting Haitian Orphans

Yesterday's Saturday Telegraph ran a story stating that Haitian orphans are already being shipped off the island for new lives in other countries.  A photo shows Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, the First Lady of France, welcoming a group of 33 Haitian children at the airport. It is a hotly debated issue; not merely one of opinion, but also of intent, ethics and law 

There have reportedly been cases of Haitian children being disappearing from hospitals already, some taken over the border into the Dominican republic, airplanes being loaded with undocumented children at the last minute and children sent to foster homes in the Netherlands because they hadn't been matched to families in the rush.

On the one side, it may seem entirely reasonable for richer nations to reach out to save children from the very real threat of disease or death in Haiti.  Adoption agencies that had family arrangements already in process for specific children are fast-tracking those adoptions.  The rationale is that it would have happened in time anyway and it would be better to get those children to a home with food, clean water, medical attention and safety.

That isn't really the issue. It's about the other, newly-orphaned children being taken from their native country before it is definitively ascertained that there are no other family members surviving and able to care for them.  While well-meaning, rushed procedures could end up hurting children in the long run, through the loss of their history, national pride, culture, sense of belonging and biological family.  Regardless of where these children eventually end up living, they will already have been traumatized by the event of the earthquake itself, the scene of destruction, possibly watching family members die, their bodies not found amidst the rubble or being heaved into mass graves. 

Being adopted by a family in the United States, France, Spain, Germany, Canada and other countries would certainly provide the children with immediate relief from hunger, injury and structure. The word "abuse" was used in the article, not to convey physical mistreatment, but to warn of the children's emotional health in the future.  Charities, including Save the Children, World Vision and the British Red Cross are concerned that taking children away from the place where they lived with their family members, now dead, could exacerbate their trauma. Forcing a permanent break from their country and surviving relatives could be worse for them than leaving them in the country of their birth, however destroyed.

One child campaigner, Roelie Post, of Against Child Trafficking, told Telegraph reporters that this situation will lend credibility to "an adoption industry driven by greed and money."  Her anger and warnings seem to relate to the businesses that drive adoption, rather than to the potential adoptive parents. However, it suggests to me that the willingness and financial ability of Western couples to pay for foriegn adoption puts them higher on the priority list as parents than those in the devastated country, even if they are related. It's easy in this type of crisis, to claim moral superiority based upon wanting to help and an ability to end a child's suffering.

No one mentioned the adoptive parents waiting in the wings to receive a Haitian child. Their motives may be completley selfless.  Haiti had the lowest standard of living in the West before this earthquake, so adopting a Haitian child under normal adoption and legal procedures may have been born from a desire to give a child a better future.  Their motives may have been more about creating or adding to their family and wanting to parent and love a specific child they had met.  My concern is about the potential "fast-tracked" adoptions. Which screening procedures will be missed?  Will criteria be ignored? Could these children be adopted by a paedophile?  Could they be "sold" on the international adoption market?  Who is in charge?

What do you think? Is this quickie-adoption a condoned form of child trafficking? Or, does the love, care and comfort they will potentially receive from adoptive parents adequate compensation for losing ties to their relations, friends and country?

You're Infertile and Entitled To A Good Moan, Right?

But Can You Take It a Bit Too Far?

 

How is the stress of your infertility affecting your relationships with partner, family, friends and work colleagues?  If you have told people about your attempts to conceive and have children, you may be the centre of attention, the subject of much discussion and possibly, the self-appointed expert on all aspects of infertility and conception. If that's true, it's not necessarily a bad thing. You educate others about infertility, you break the ice of an awkward subject and you probably get what you need: empathy, priority and TLC.  However, it can also cause some negative interaction as well, directly and indirectly.

 

If people are walking on eggshells around you, it means that your interaction is less than authentic. They are behaving in a way that isn't natural for them or you.  That, in itself, changes your relationship.  You may like the difference if it puts you in a priority position in your marriage, family, or other relationships, but that's a novelty that will probably wear off. If your infertility isn't quickly resolved, this behaviour may get tiresome.  Neither you, nor the others can really know where you stand with each other if it's not a balanced relationship.

 

If you are acting a bit like a diva (think Mariah Carey) or especially fragile or high maintenance because you think you deserve it, others may eventually resent it. You may get their sympathy; people feeling sorry for you due to your infertility. You aren't likely to get empathy; people "stepping" into your shoes to understand how your infertility makes you feel.

 

Let's talk about the deserving bit. I can't tell you how many times I asked myself why I wasn't getting what I deserved.  I cried to my mother "doesn't God think I deserve to be a mother?"  Rather self-serving, as I wasn't even sure I believed in God.  I shot daggers at pregnant girls at the mall (no, not really; just looks), who were too skinny, too fat, too young, too trashy or just too lucky in my opinion, to have a child.  "Why do they deserve a baby and not me?"  There wasn't any answer to these questions, because it’s not really a case of entitlement, but it made for a good moan.

 

When people lack something they want, they often try to make up for that by going over the top with something else. What do we do when a man breaks it off with us?  If you are anything like me, it's either eating ice cream right out of the tub, listening to heartbreak songs or buying things I don't need. Transfer that to the soul-shattering condition of infertility. Does your payback get bigger and bigger as you go through the IF/TTC experience?  If you expect concessions, favours, deference, attention, availability or even gifts from others, think about how that feels to the people in your life.

 

For women who undergo many cycles of pregnancy/miscarriage or fertility treatment, consider how the people in your life may experience them:

• they see you hurting, which causes them pain too;
• they may be the willing carers or support network you need;
• they are helpless to "fix" it so you will have the baby you want;
• if they are stakeholders, i.e. the outcome affects them too, they may feel sad for themselves as well;
• they search within themselves for ways in which they can help you through it;
• they search for other ways to compensate you, which may be acceptable or rejected by you;
• they may be very proud and admiring of how you have handled yourself throughout; but
• they are the easy targets for your "down times,"  expressed through angry, inconsolable or demanding behaviour; and/or
• they are the willing victims of your negative behaviour, out of guilt.

Even those willing carers and/or supporters can buckle under the pressure sometimes. Remember that Osmond’s song: "he ain't heavy, he's my brother?"  Well, it doesn't always apply.  If you get too heavy, for too long, the person shouldering the burden may break.

 

It's important for you to occasionally stop and think about what people need from you.  First, identify who is affected by your infertility. If they've been a brick, say or do something that shows your recognition and appreciation. If they've been a sand castle and show signs of crumbling, ask yourself what has happened or be brave and ask them.  Turn the empathy around and stand in their shoes to understand how they feel.

 

Your partner's feelings will almost certainly be quite complex. If neither of you anticipated your infertility, married life may be quite different than he expected.  Men like solutions and the good guys can feel very helpless and frustrated when they can't provide one.  The way they cope with these uncomfortable feelings are sometimes soooo wrong... to us.  Some men will try to backtrack to your dating relationship, giving the message that it's perfect just being the two of you, going out for dinner and weekends away as compensation for not having children.  Big mistake, right? There are couples who decide to be childless, but if you are doing everything you can to be with child, it's not the two of you.  There are the men that practice denial...if he doesn't talk about it, it might go away. Don't leave out the men who practice avoidance, trying to shut it out by staying at the office, going out with the guys or tuning you out when you talk.

 

Parents, In-Laws and Siblings - Yes, they have a stake in the outcome: hoping to have and love a grandchild, niece or nephew, but their vested interest is in the love they have for you and/or your husband.  In my experience, it’s easiest to be horribly demanding to those who are closest to us, perhaps because we know that they will still love and support us no matter what we do.  I would be careful here; siblings are easy to offend and can be quick to cut you down to size. Although if they feel guilty that they have been blessed with children and you haven't yet, they might act like doormats.  Parents can also feel guilt that they can't help you.  However, if you mistreat them, they might put up with you for a while before you get a telling off. In-laws just remember everything you say and store it up until you push them a step too far. Then they tell your husband off; causing him to play that impossible role of man in the middle.

 

Some marriages and families rise above all this, so in tune with each other that there is never anything swept under the rug or bubbling like a volcano.  When everyone is considerate, generous and appreciative, everything runs smoothly. But, it's entirely, understandably human to have unspoken feelings, mistaken ideas and rough patches in relationships when you are dealing with something as stressful, anxiety producing and threatening as infertility. You can minimize the bumps and soothe the bruises if you are on the lookout for them.  

 

My top 5 suggestions:

 

• If you think someone is acting strangely toward you or your infertility, write it down. Writing it down, characterizing it in words, will help you qualify and quantify it.  Then, write out what you think it's about. Where are you in this situation?  In light of your role, reconsider the other person's behaviour.  Decide how you will bring back good feelings between you; then take action.
• Listen to the sound of your own voice. If you hear yourself sounding sharp, or see a look of hurt on someone's face when you are sarcastic or mean, stop, gather your thoughts and apologize, if necessary.
• Communicate with each other. I cannot emphasize this enough. Do not consider daily moaning and groaning to be communication.  You need to have conversations about other aspects of your life so you don’t lose perspective, miss what is happening in the other person's life or grow apart.
• Engage in relaxing activities together, like walking, yoga, swimming, dancing, meditation, a book club, going to a film, or casual dinners out (It's important that no one be the host or guest, unbalancing the equation. No one should "owe" someone else politeness or deference.)
• Reward them with attention to their needs. Also, a sunny smile when you can muster it and the words "thank you" go a long way.

 

Any of these suggestions can be modified for use with friends and work colleagues.  It's really all about being self-aware and sensitive to each other.  If you expect support from people, make sure you understand what it takes for them to give it.

 

It's That Time of the Month Again

You got it, it's the 21st for a few more minutes and I'm welcoming you to this month's ICLW.  I want to thank all of you whose blogs I got to last month and who I will try to revisit this month.  It's mind-expanding and I love the fact that you are putting yourself forward, proud of what you write. I also want to commit to visiting and commenting for at least as many new bloggers.  I hope that you will comment here and let me know if anything I have shared has made a difference to you and in what way. Thanks again to Mel, the Stirrup-Queen and author of 'Navigating the Land of IF',for making it all happen.    Enjoy!

You Only Want Two In That Bed

How are you sleeping at night?  Does it feel crowded in your bedroom? Even if you have agreed not to bring your daytime conversations on infertility into the bedroom, you can’t guarantee that they won’t follow you in. Worrisome issues pop up like a Jack-In-A-Box.  When the night closes in, the TV goes off and you lie in the dark, you may be replaying the voices of your mother, doctor, aunts, friends, journalists, complementary therapists, celebrities, bloggers and tweeters who all have opinions, diagnoses, news, old wife’s tales and miracle cures about your infertility.

 

Despite your best efforts, the bedroom can feel invaded by unwelcome guests. It’s hard enough to maintain the sexual side of your relationship when it feels like the eyes of your medical team are on you, or you have to schedule sex around your ovulation calendar. That’s your comfort zone, your relaxation space and your lovemaking venue.  If getting in bed is more likely a place to collapse, “talk” or argue than a chance for romance, your bedroom will lose its intimacy. 

 

Your relationship is something you should be able to rely upon when everything else is so unsure.  However, what once started as a newlywed fantasy of future children and laughing over threatened baby names is light years away from sharing fears of infertility.  No marriage is effortless but it’s more important than ever to be sensitive to each other’s feelings and mindset.

 

Here are a few ideas that can keep you close and supportive of each other:

 

• Take turns feeling low. That sounds funny, but it’s not a joke.  If you are each on the lookout for a serious dip in each other’s moods, jump to attention. It’s your turn next time.
• Store up a few comedy DVDs to close out days of hellish decision-making.
• Allowing each other one close friend to confide in will take some of the pressure off.
• Invite friends over to lighten the atmosphere and make a rule that no one can bring up infertility, pregnancy and/or babies.
• Consider consulting a relationship therapist or psychosexual counsellor. They are trained to help you balance your needs and desires and keep your relationship healthy.

 

Identify which people are imposing their opinions a little too often.  Where is their advice coming from... love, protectiveness, a need to be indispensable, authentic experience or nosiness? Does that make a difference?

• Write down the names of the people who cause you the most distress.
• Don’t interrupt each other or jump in to defend the 3^rd party.
• Discuss every name on the 2 lists.
• What would lessen your resentment or anxiety?
• Focus on the 3^rd party’s behaviour, not their character.
• You don’t have to agree with each other.

Can you identify which people bring you helpful v. harmful talk?  It's best to nip it in the bud before it ruins your relationship with them.  Redo the list after you have heard each other out.  Write the names of people who have offended or upset you in two columns.  Commit to having a private chat with the people on the other one's list.  It works because you will carry less emotion into the conversation if it's not your direct problem.  You can also approach someone together.  Perhaps you want to tell a couple you see often for dinner that you look forward to their company as welcome distraction from your infertility woes. Finally, column 4 is for people neither of you can find a way to approach.

 

Remember, this is for your relationship, so don’t make your partner sound like the bad guy.  For instance, saying “He thinks you are undermining our relationship because you’re jealous” would be hurtful and unhelpful.  It’s about how you, as a couple, need some space from additional input. So try: “We know that you have the best intentions, but right now we need to figure this out, just the two of us.”  Said sincerely, this will kindly deliver a firm message: Back off please. 

 

There are some who set both of you off.  You may feel that you want to scratch Mrs Catty’s eyeballs out every time she asks “when we’re going to see a baby from you two?”  He wants to bar her for upsetting you.  How do you get the message across? Ask someone else to talk to them.  It’s not a cop-out, it’s a strategy.

 

This is hard work, so acknowledge when you have each felt the benefit from the other’s intervention.  “I noticed that your friend hasn’t made any unwelcome jokes about our performance lately. “Thank you for whatever you said to him to make that change.”  If you don’t put it off, you should be having a more restful, pleasantly roomy night in the privacy of your bedroom before long.

The One Thing You Would Change

If you could change something about yourself, what would it be?  You may have instantly, without a second's hesitation, thought "my nose" or "being such a perfectionist." If you could change something about your life, what would you trade in?  In the last half of the 20th century, the Western world leapt forward at a dizzying pace from "For God and Country" to "What about me?" 

Since then, we have taken the culture of individuals to new levels.  If we are not already who we want to be, we can become it.  We are assisted by plastic surgery, cosmetic dentistry, casual Friday, flexi-time, personal fulfilment, same-sex marriages, personal sabbaticals, assisted conception and the internet, all of which have been invented or progressed beyond our imagination within our lifetime. This is the world that everyone under the age of 50 has grown up in.  We fully expect to be able to reinvent ourselves; our appearance, careers, relationships and social life.  I have certainly done it.  The girl who wanted to be an artist studied hard to be a lawyer instead, which wasn’t a good fit and became, in the end, a fertility coach, which fits beautifully, thank you. 

We have outgrown a one-size-fits-all culture, but there are a lot of people who still don't know what to do with so much choice.  In some instances, that amount of choice is paralyzing.  We have a consumer culture that allows us to do so many things temporarily and then trade them in for something else when we grow tired. Women can now have breasts that can be pumped up or deflated depending upon the style that year, while men with skinny legs can have calf implants.  One of my very favourite developments is the bright and capable, career secretary restyled as the independent virtual assistant, taking business on her own terms.

If you have tons of money, you can try everything on the current hot list and then trade up. If you can't flash the cash, you sit home in front of your biggest purchase of household electronics and watch reality shows: Extreme Makeover - House Edition, Pop Idol, Could you be Joseph or Maria?, Britain's Got Talent, Top Gun and Masterchef. You name it. There, on the screen, or even more likely on You Tube, is our fantasy life being played out by other people. 

Personally, I need look no further than A Place in the Sun and Location, Location. I keep pictures of Caribbean beaches, the English seaside, the coast of France and the Jersey shore to remind me what I’m working toward.  It’s not my dream, it’s my intention.  What else would I choose? The fantasy would be to indulge in my love of cooking and eating without putting on weight.  That’s probably shared with a few million people.  Some time ago, my wish might have been to “fit in.”  Now, I simply want to be me, attracting the kind of people with whom I want to enjoy life to me and me to them.  It comes back to the uniqueness and personal fulfilment again, that we feel entitled to have.

It's your turn.  If you could change one thing in yourself or in your life, what would it be? What would make you unique, happy and fulfilled?  Answer quickly, so you don't talk yourself out of it.

Fine, now what is holding you back?  Your answer must not start with "I can't." 

Can you reframe it from a wish into intent?   

It's all a bit of fun, but also very telling. Somewhat like an old adage; the branch of a tree planted in jest, has its roots in truth. I think I just made that up to cover for my poor memory of the real saying, but I think I made my point. 

If there is something that you are not doing in your life; an image of the person you want to be, or a space inside you that isn't being filled, it's good to ask yourself why. 

What would attaining it mean; what would never doing it or having it mean?

Where are you going to go with this?

Haitian Children in the Aftermath of the Earthquake

I have now seen the footage of the beautiful, little, Haitian girl, Mia Charlotte, rescued by British firefighters from the wreckage of her nursery about a dozen times.  When her mother turns toward the camera with her daughter in her arms, I can just about imagine what it feels like and I get shivery.  I realized, about the 5th or 6th time, that I was unconsciously hugging myself, feeling the weight of the child, her soft baby skin covered in dust from the rubble, and the need of one for the other.

Certainly there were times when my own children were that age and I scooped them up, hurt and tearful, both of us relieved that we had found each other.  The difference is that my babies might have fallen off of a seesaw at the park or knocked their foreheads on the corner of a table. I am fortunately lacking a closer frame of reference, but as a mother I can watch this news story and imagine what this Haitian mother, in the midst of a natural disaster and crisis, felt when she had her daughter back.

Tonight I was cruising the timeline on my Twitter page, idly searching for anything that might have happened since my last visit.  I came across a tweet, which I can't find now, referencing the Haitian disaster: Adopting a Child from Haiti, Post Earthquake.   My immediate thought: "Oh no, please tell me this isn't a bunch of desperate Americans seeing an opportunity for themselves."  I hesitated just a second and clicked on the link; just like how I watch particulary brutal bits in TV shows between my spread fingers. I don't want to know, yet I can't keep from looking. 

Instead, I found a blog, http://CreatingaFamily.org/blog by Dawn Davenport, which was beautifully written, sensitive and sensible.  Dawn spoke directly to the followers of her blog about how she could understand their desire to help a Haitian child, possibly orphaned by the earthquake, and provide a loving home for them.  She explained quite thoroughly why this is not the time to entertain those thoughts: too early, uncertainty about children's family survivors, the inability to fly into Haiti, use resources (shelter, food, clean water, transportation ) best reserved for the Haitians themselves and aid workers, trauma, etc... "Orphans of a natural disaster have been traumatized, and moving to a new home, with new parents, new language, and a new culture may not be in the child’s best interest even if they can not be adopted in their birth country."

Dawn also passed on her knowledge and experience with the Haitian authorities and adoption agencies; tough to work with even in better times.  "Also, with all that the Haitian government has on their plate right now, processing adoptions is not and should not be their top priority."  She has promised to relate more news as it becomes available.  There are about a dozen organizations listed in the blog, who are accepting donations to help provide health care, food, shelter and other necessities to orphanages, hospitals and communities.  I hope they will also provide money to help reunite, support and keep together, Haitian families in Haiti. 

Creating a Family is a non-profit organization providing education and resources for Infertility and Adoption.  The Creating a Family radio show (blogtalkradio) on January 20, 2010 will be on Adopting from Haiti Post Earthquake.

I am really grateful to have found Dawn's blog and, to pass on to you, her very balanced take on the Haitian disaster.  She seems to me to be a woman you want to know, and an organization to both use for your own adoption plans and to support for the work it is doing in the infertility and adoption communities.