I've been thinking a lot about mothers and daughters lately. All sorts of thoughts have been running through my mind about how notoriously difficult their relationships can be around the time when a daughter gets her period, her figure and her desire to be "grown up." I'm a little premature in wondering what will be when my daughter reaches that age, so I've been asking around. Where do the difficulties arise?
A girl who is between 12 and 17 years old and in secondary school, is discovering a whole new world. She may know virtually nothing about hormones and how they are influencing her physical changes, her thinking, moods and feelings. She just knows that her world is topsy-turvy. Some girls take to early womanhood as if they were made for it, if you know what I mean. It takes others a little while longer to figure it all out. It's unpredictable and it makes for a lot of drama.
Now, add Mom to the equation. These days there's no "normal" age gap between mothers and daughters, so consider that mothers will be anywhere from 20 to 40 years older than their daughters. On the young side, Mom may be in their mid-30's when Daughter starts experiencing both the confusion and the power of her fertility and early sexuality. Whether it's all gawky limbs, pimples and PMS or perky breasts, cute teenage underwear sets and legs up to there, it requires adjustment, not just on a girl's part, but also on her Mom's. Is she going to feel ill-equipped to deal with new questions and behaviour? Is she going to say all the right things to reassure and empower her daughter to grow into her new persona? Is Mom going to feel an irrational threat of competition with her own daughter?
On the other extreme, there is the older Mom. Now that many women are having natural or assisted pregnancies in their 40's, won't be that unusual for a mother in her mid-50's to have a teenage daughter. Mom is likely to be experiencing, or have experienced, menopause at that time. She has lost her fertility at the same time, roughly, that her daughter is coming into her own. Mom may be older and wiser, more able to cope with her daughter's rollercoaster moods, questions about sex, but could also feel unsettling jealous feelings.
In both these scenarios, Mom can feel a real sense of loss that her baby has now grown up. The kisses and cuddles, wanting to spend time together and open conversations can be replaced by closed bedroom doors, more value placed on her friends' opinions than on her parent's and a language all her own. This is all natural. Depending upon how Mom reacts, the awkward times will eventually work their way out and they will form a new mother/daughter relationship that can give them both what they want and need from each other. Depending upon Mom's openness about her own reproductive health and feelings about ageing, their relationship can remain close and supportive as they both experience change.
Some of the issues that can arise between adolescent - teenage daughters and their mothers are:
- menstruation - fertility, discomfort, "womanhood," embarrassment, self-care
- privacy - bathing and dressing, diaries, telephone calls
- communication
- lecturing
- expectations
- approval/disapproval
- rules, independence
- hygeine, self-care
- dating
- sex (values, danger of STD's, threat of pregnancy)
- birth control (sanctioned or obtained independently)
- femininity
- attractiveness
- competition
- fear - wanting to protect her against hurt, injury or danger
- taking sides in conversations and arguments with father
A lot of these are matters of perception rather than reality, but unless mother and daughter are communicating well, it can be difficult to determine what is true or false. It's not all about Mom staying one step ahead of her daughter and making all the changes herself. It requires a girl to see her mother, perhaps for the first time, as a woman with a life of her own. It requires a mother, no matter how well-intentioned, to withhold opinions so that her daughter can form her own.
This is an emotional time between mother and daughter that can be eased with the help of coaching. I am developing a program that will give mother and daughter every opportunity to see the other's experience as valid for them, empathize and support each other. As a non-judgmental third party, I can guide them to voice their questions, feelings and experiences in a way that they may find impossible to do on their own. I'm really looking forward to helping girls and women understand and appreciate each other.
What are or were your experiences with your mother and/or daughter? I would love to know what you think.
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