Period, Curse, Hell. How Hard is it to Talk About Menstruation with Your Daughter?

Following on from my post about mothers and their adolescent or teenage daughters, I want to look at how we introduce and embed attitudes in our girls toward their changing bodies. Discussion about a girl's body should start just before or around the time that a girl is going through puberty, noticing the beginnings of breasts, body hair and menstruation.  Some girls learn what they need to know from their mother, while others get information in bits from girls at school, camp or at sleepovers.  It can be a confusing time. How they are introduced to these subjects as adolescents can have a lasting effect on their attitude and self-image throughout their life.

If a girl isn't encouraged by her mother to learn about what her body looks like, how it feels and functions, she may think that it's a taboo subject they can't discuss, question or explore.  I feel very strongly that this knowledge is necessary to build:

• a positive and healthy identity,
• a keen awareness of her personal hygiene and reproductive health, and
• ammunition against social myths and antiquated ideas about a woman's mental and physical capabilities.

I have no problem with primary schools giving a class about sex and procreation, providing that it's presented in a fairly neutral way regarding values. In fact, I wrote a blog article last month about making sex-ed classes compulsary on a continuing basis, both through the Education Authority and the Health Service as a way of preventing infertility and applying equally to unwanted pregnancy and sexually-transmitted disease. Ultimately, though, I believe it's a parent's responsibility to teach his/her children about gender, their bodies, sex, pregnancy and childbirth at home, preferably in advance of the Sex Ed class. 

I realize that some parents may have had experiences and attitudes drilled into them that make this a really uncomfortable subject to discuss.  In that case, 

• prepare a brief talk in advance,
• be honest that you feel uncomfortable but that it's important,
• buy a book that will help you explain it or
• ask someone who is informed and sensitive to introduce the subject to the child and even act as a confidante.

For instance, let's start with menstruation. The period. That time of the month. The curse. A nightmare. It's rarely talked about in positive terms.  A particularly offensive term used is "on the rag," referring to a sanitary pad or to the cloth rags used to soak up menstrual blood in past generations. It's a derogatory term that sounds filthy and is meant to convey that the woman is acting bitchy as a result of her period.  It's just as bad for a male classmate or colleague to dismiss a woman as ditzy, hysterical or abnormally  forgetful while menstruating.  A more playful term used these days is "Auntie Flo has come to visit," which seems obvious now relating to menstrual flow, but which confused me for a good while. "How many women had an aunt named Flo?"

What's a young girl to think or feel about getting her period once she's exposed to these attitudes?  It's fair to say that she will feel negative, embarrassed or even ashamed. At best, menstruating is seen as inconvenient.  Not many girls would say that her period makes her feel womanly, proud or in possession of a new power: to become pregnant and have children. That may come later, when her figure has changed more fully and is the focus of positive attention and she has matured emotionally and can put 2 + 2 together.

PMS (aka premenstrual syndrome, premenstrual tension, PMT) can also affect a girl's feelings about her body. The physical symptoms of menstruation can range widely from light to extremely heavy flow of blood or very mild to excruciating cramping, and possible including lower back pain, headaches, breast tenderness, water retention and gastro-intestinal responses like diarrhea or constipation. Some women feel depressed, while others have mood swings. These symptoms, singly or in combination with others, can signal the onset of a period for some women or last all the way through. 

Because one woman's mild discomfort during a period can be worlds away from the incapacitating pain to another, family and friends might think a girl is exaggerating her PMS and not take her seriously, or even make fun of her. Feeling misunderstood or uncared for, in addition to the menstrual symptoms she feels, could make a girl feel depressed and ostracized. If Mom does that, it could be hurtful enough that it breaks down trust and drives a wedge between them. A girl may then turn to other people, like a school nurse, a friend or a friend's mother for information, understanding and comfort from that point on.  It could be enough just to show that you are there to listen and help if you can.

What you can do for your daughter:

• Open the topic. If she hasn't yet had her first period, ask her whether any of her classmates have started.  If she isn't sure, ask her if she feels ready to learn about it. Even if she says no right then, she may have second thoughts and come back because you have shown that it's alright to have that conversation.
• Once your daughter is ready to talk about how her body is changing and what lies ahead, explain why menstruation occurs.  If you aren't sure  you know all the facts, ask your doctor for a leaflet or a referral to a gynaecologist.  There are books aimed at her age group that describes it carefully and sensitively. A more technical book aimed at adults is Our Bodies, Ourselves For the New Century by The Boston Women's Health Book Collective. My 1998 version is well-thumbed and highlighted. * I would not suggest you send her to Google or any other internet search to discover these facts by herself. Images can appear on screen that would be inappropriate or scary to a young girl.
• I've written a blog article about the importance of knowing about your own female bits, that's just as relevant for young girls as it is for a woman of any age who hasn't had sufficient curiosity (or courage?) to take a peek. If you spent half your life ignorant about what organs are between your thighs and how they work, I suggest you follow the instructions here.
• Do not describe a period as an illness or as dirty. It's a natural bodily function for a healthy female during her fertile years.  (There are religious and ethnic communities that segregate women during their period, implying that a woman is unclean or unworthy of being with men while menstruation.  If you belong to one of them, you probably won't appreciate my belief that these societal restrictions were created by men to control women.)
• A pre-existing negative perception of menstruation can influence a girl's experience, even if her period turns out to be relatively easy.  These beliefs can be turned around in coaching sessions, but isn't it better to prevent them?
• Talk about hygiene related to her period.  Buy some youth-sized panty liners, feminine hygiene wet wipes and some thicker sanitary napkins for heavy flow and nighttime wear.  You can also buy a pack of tampons for her to try later on. Open them up, show her how to use the pads and agree where they will be kept in case she gets her period for the first time when you aren't home.
• Reassure her that she will be able to function normally during a period, including; going to school, exercising, socializing and swimming.

Set the stage for good communication between you and your daughter for the future. Make an effort to be informative and caring, rather than force-feeding this information before she is ready. You will know your own daughter, but you may have to be really observant around this time so you don't miss the boat.  If you do find that she has already been given some of the information by others, ask her what she knows so you can confirm or correct it.

Finally, if you feel disturbed that your daughter reaching this stage in her development, it's important to discover the source of your discomfort, because it may be more about the changes in your own body. If your hormones are fluctuating, your breasts are sagging and your self-image has taken a hit, it would be understandable that you are ambivalent about having a maturing, nubile daughter.  The tension in you can be misunderstood by your daughter as rejection. It may be time for a Well-Women health check.  It may also pay to discuss your feelings about aging with your daughter, but be very careful not to make it sound as though she has done anything to bring this on. 

Fertility coaching can help you improve strain between mother and daughter, arising from any of the fertility stages such as menstruation, TTC, pregnancy, miscarriage assisted conception or menopause.  Issues such as communication, trust, commitment to the relationship, fear of the unknown and values weave their way in and around this part of womanhood that both mother and daughter will pass through.  If you are experiencing difficulty coping with your body image or function, or your daughter (or mother) is, contact me at lisa@yourgreatlife.co.uk for information about being coached. I work with clients in person or via telephone sessions, internationally.

Comments

[Krissi]

Thanks for this post! When my daughters are ready for it, I will definitely find this post again. Happy ICLW!

[Shirtless Hunks Photo Galleries]

I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along.I thought I would leave my
first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading.Nice blog.I will
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[Lisa]

Thanks for visiting and for this your lovely comment.
Lisa