Never mind Sex Ed 101 at school. Who did you turn to in confusion over your maturing body, practical information, tears over a broken heart, access to medical, well-woman checks, guidance about balancing sexual curiosity with sensibility, contraception, protection against pregnancy, wanting to conceive, and guidance through pregnancy, infertility or miscarriage? Your answer will depend upon your mother's comfort with the subject, the generation in which you grew up, your religious background and beliefs and the relationship you had with your mother.
What experience do you want for your daughter? Your relationship was so sweet and uncomplicated when she wasy very young, but now it is often complex, confusing and sad. If it's your intention to be there for her, but something stops you short every time you think you should step in, you need help.
If you are having difficulty communicating with your adolescent or teenage daughter, it's time to try and breach the gap between you. Left to fester for too long, it could be a missed opportunity that will end up in a split when she is old enough to leave home. Don't let it reach that point. It's never too early to act in order to recover the bond between the two of you.
- The first step is to let her know that you are troubled about the way things have been going and that you want change for the better.
- Second is to agree to disagree. Depending upon how bad your relationship has been lately, your daughter may be wary. The two of you only have to agree to take action in order to make things better. Everything else can be the subject of conversation and examination.
Frequently heard (or thought) by Mom (M) and/or Daughter (D)
(M) + (D) She doesn't understand me.
(M) If she thinks I'm old and "past it," maybe other people do too.
(D) You're only saying that because you're my mother and you're supposed to say that.
(D) It's not fair!
(D) I can't tell Mom what I have learned or experienced. She would (pick one: disapprove, think I'm bad, punish me severely or not love me anymore).
(M) + (D) How can I trust you?
(M) She doesn't respect me.
Do you recognize anyone here? You love her, but frankly, she's been challenging lately, unpleasant to be around and suspicious of your motives. She loves you, but you have been grumpy, quick to criticize and untrusting. In many cases, there are two people on opposite sides of a glass wall, wishing to make amends but scared to make the first move. Pride gets in the way. So do hormones. Your daughter's moods that seem irrational and overly dramatic (even hysterical), as well as what seems some very late mornings, can be a result of puberty, her period or the rate at which she is growing. Your lack of patience, occasionally sharp voice or forgetfulness can be related to your own hormonal fluctuations, especially if you are in peri-menopause (reportedly, up to about 7 years before being classified as menopausal.)
It can get much worse than that if it goes on too long, when desire to make amends and show love is less, relative to her desire for peer approval and your desire for an easier life without these clashes. We want to get in there before reaching that stage, to prevent estrangement and ensure there are no regrets.
While engaged almost entirely with fertility and family-building issues lately, I began to think about my self-prescribed remit: to educate, motivate and support people regarding their reproductive health and creating families. This runs from newfound fertility as in menstruation and the loss of fertility, as in menopause. However, as I thought about the sources of some women's emotional blocks to conception, it dawned on me that this included those having fertility-related trouble within families too. How a girl feels about becoming a woman, how she feels about her body, and her ideas about pregnancy and childbirth can be influenced by what she knows about her mother's body image and fertility history. For both woman and girl, this includes:
- how she first experienced menstruation;
- how (and if!) her mother taught her about her body;
- how a girl observed her mother's treatment of her own body; and
- what a girl was told or overheard about her anatomy, her reproductive system, sex, birth control, pregnancy, childbirth and mothering.
A healthy relationship between mother and daughter during these formative years is very important to both of them. It's not a one-way street. Their feelings about themselves depend in part on the love and approval of the other. While a teen may feel misunderstood, angry or never good enough for her mother, a woman might feel she is failing as a mother, leading to low self-esteem and embarrassment. Mom may understand part of what her daughter is feeling, if she is observant, but most daughters don't have a clue about what Mom might be going through. They can't read minds; younger women need to be informed.
It crossed my mind that there is no reason that a mother and daughter couldn't come to me for "couples" coaching sessions. While I would be happy to coach either Mom or Daughter (but not both, separately), I see the potential for much quicker change and lasting benefits to them being coached together. I began writing a program for a Mother-Daughter Workshop that will begin in a few weeks and hope to get some of my "ideal" clients involved; those on opposite sides of the glass wall, looking for a way to get through to the other side.
This will work for a variety of relationships, not just a traditional mother/daughter one, and for all sorts of scenarios. So, if you have or know someone who has:
- a tenuous relationship with your own daughter;
- discomfort talking about the body, sex and/or reproductive health;
- a girl being raised by a female relative, friend or stepmother; or
- a girl who is being raised by her father and doesn't have adequate maternal figures in her life.
Wouldn't it be good for someone trustworthy to step in and provide that safe place in which thoughts, feelings and questions can be aired and answered? Ultimately, she may need a deeper level of understanding and support than you can provide. Equally, you may want to show her who you really are as a woman and as a mother. You could both break through misconceptions and unhelpful, self-imposed rules about discussing emotional subjects, intimate parts of the body, fertility or sex. I am designing a loosely structured coaching program as a platform that will then be customized to both your needs. Expect to actively participate in supervised conversations, revealing activities and some fun for you and your daughter. The benefits of Mother-Daughter Coaching include :
- better communication;
- values assessment;
- breaking down "emotional" walls between you;
- clearing up misconceptions you each hold about the other;
- building empathy; and
- building trust.
Call Now to arrange your Mother/Daughter sessions at Stanmore Chiropractic Clinic at 020 8954 8311.
For information about the 4-session Mother/Daughter Group Workshop: email lisa@yourgreatlife.co.uk Dates, venue and fees - TBA.
Lisa, I wish I'd had you years ago. And I wish you were in the States. My own two miscarriages and now, my secondary infertility, are things I can't talk about with my mother; the first time I told her, I felt like she my neighbors took better care of me than she did, and the second time she asked me if "they figured out why I can't seem to keep a baby." I haven't even told her about the infertility diagnosis. This is so painful for me, because I really *want* a mother to confide in ... and I hope that you can spare other mother/daughters similar pain. Thank you for your blog, for visiting mine ... and tell me, where did you live in Bergen County? That's where I grew up, too.
ICLW#52
Posted by: Justine | March 28, 2010 at 07:36 PM