Today I Was the Client; Self-Coaching For an Embedded Phobia

I'm going to tell you a tale of a phobia and how I benefitted from some self-coaching techniques today.  I had a procedure called arthroscopy, done under general anaesthetic, this morning to repair and clean out torn cartilage on my knee.

Most people who know me, know that I am quite phobic about needles. When my daughter was almost 4 years old, she went to my pre-natal appointments with me and held my hand during the blood tests, "so Mummy would be brave."  Sad, but true. I had many infertility examinations and one IVF cycle, so you know I've suffered through many blood tests and injections. It was a daily nightmare for a short period of time and I managed only because 1) I wanted to be pregnant so badly and 2) my father did them. For more on that, feel free to read my post from February on Injecting Fertility Medications.

What most people don't know is that my phobia is not just about needles; it's about metal piercing flesh.  When I say that, it brings to mind (mine, maybe not yours) a black & white, faux Gothic horror film with a creepy lab in the basement of an imposing mansion set back from dangerous clifftops.  I have an active imagination, but actually, that's not it. It's not about the doctor or nurse, it's not about the office or operating room. It's not about blood. It's equally bad in the dentist's chair as it is in a hospital environment. It's all about cold, shiny, sharp metal coming into contact with my skin and flesh. There's a name for it: Associative trypanophobia.

I don't remember ever feeling any other way and since childhood it has gotten worse instead of getting easier. My behaviour has improved: I no longer kick and scream. It's the anxiety that worsened and caused me to skip injections and cancel previous operations.  My symptoms, up to a week before I need a blood test or injection, include anxiety, interrupted sleep, gastric upset, dry eyes and mouth, feeling generally low and panic attacks. Far worse, though, is that I dream the same dream several times a night, in which I can hear (yes, you read that correctly) the needle or surgical tool squeaking as it pierces my skin and continues its way in to my body. Suffice it to say that I do not have pierced ears, use Botox and or ever had cosmetic surgery. No smooth neck or reshaped nose could be worth going through that unnecessarily.

Various suggestions have been made to help me through my ordeal ; some of them practical and some more cognitive.  My GP takes any opportunity she gets to give me a flu shot every Fall, when I visit for a prescription or a referral, to say, "let's get this over with right now."  That reduces my panic attack to less than 5 minutes instead of a week.  My husband has accompanied me to many procedures, held my hand through two amnioscinteses, and in one case went all the way to the operating theatre, where they hook you up to the general anaesthesia. 

What did I use to get me through my dreaded knee operation this morning?  I remembered a hint I learned from Christopher Howard's Breakthrough to Success event: "In order to decide not think of something, you have to think about it." I took it to mean that, instead of trying to go blank, I needed to fill my mind with other thoughts.  This is what I did for a few days before and in the hospital:

1. My father recommended traditional meditation, so in my hospital room, I sat in the tall-backed armchair, relaxed all of my muscles from the toes up, and filled my head with a sound variation of the garden-variety "Ohhhhm." I did my funny trick, for insomnia, of imagining I can see with my eyes closed and focused on the floating colours.  Anyway, it blocked out the images of a needle the size of an exhaust pipe trying to go in my arm.
2. I was interrupted a few times during that first hour, so each time I resettled myself, I did some EFT (tapping 9 meridian points on your body, that create an emotional response and healing), which has been described as a kind of mind+body treatment together with acupuncture principles.  My EFT statements this week have included:
3. • "even though I'm afraid of needles;
   • "even though I believe I can hear the needles and surgical tools in my body;"
   • "even though I am most fearful of the anaesthetic needle;"
   • "even though I won't be in control once I am under anaesthetic;"and
   • "even though I fear having this operation , ...."I deeply and completely love and accept myself."
4. Finally, I did some NLP-type visualisation, taking my nightmare vision of the enormous needle and tube attached to the drug and fluid drips and shrinking it down to the size of a toast corner. I then threw the toast crumb and it became a sandy beach which grew until I could see myself on the deck of my dream beach-house, surrounded by blue sky, sun and sea.

What helped:  Well, I want to be completely honest here. It was a case of all and none. This morning, I asked my husband drop me at the door of the hospital at 6:45 a.m. and had a little over an hour by myself. So, the meditating kept me centred and tranquil instead of pacing and biting my fingernails.  The EFT took me back into myself when the nurse and anaesthetist left my room. My difficulty (I am a self-trained beginner) was that even though I did it repeatedly, and tried to use each of the statements above, I kept coming back to "Even though I am afraid of needles..."

The visualisation worked to focus me on a specific, happy image of my future life and it came through strong and clear. However, it had a fault: it kept going in and out like an instant rewind and playback. I heard the anaesthetist and nurse talking about my veins and tapping on my hand and my vision shrunk again. I kept mentally pushing it back in place and that was the last image in my head when the anaesthetic took hold and sent me to sleep.

What I got from this: With each of these three methods above, I can subdue my fear and relax myself from a panic attack, for brief periods of time. With more practice, I am sure that I could lengthen my relaxed state. Possibly, the most important benefit is knowing that I can do this on my own, instead of relying upon someone to go to the hospital with me and/or take a chemical relaxant. I felt scared beforehand and empowered afterward. I believe I will have more confidence in a similar situation if there is one. That's positive enough to inspire me to study EFT and meditation further.

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Do you have a phobia or know someone who does? Here is my List of Do's and Don'ts for anyone who knows of it. Print it out and give it to someone who is on your/their support team.

A List of Don'ts:

• Don't call a child or adult who suffers from a phobia, a baby. Teasing is cruel and makes a person feel ashamed.
• Don't tell them to "grow up." Maturity had little/nothing to do with phobias.
• Understand that no one wants an aspect of their life to be limited by their phobia. It isn't necessarily a choice, even though they can choose to seek treatment for it.
• It doesn't help them to hear how "so-and-so had this only last week and it was fine. What are you worried about?"
• Do not tell a phobic person that "it's all in your head." The irrational side of them can't process that information while they are in it.

A List of Do's

• Express understanding that she has the phobia. (even if you don't understand why she has it).
• Ask her how you can be of help, such as staying with her, holding her hand, staying silent, etc... (If she is very agitated, she may get upset and say: "Nothing will help!" This is not a rejection of you.)
• If she finds a self-coaching technique she wants to try ahead of time, allow her to practice on you and vice-versa.
• Boost her self-confidence by reminding her of other obstacles she has overcome.
• Allow her to talk it out, if that helps her keep calm, even if you have heard it all before.
• Make sure that she does not base her self-worth upon the negative feelings she may have about her phobic self.