your great life

Nine "What Ifs" of Mine

I came upon the Project IF too late in the month to participate.  Resolve and Melissa Ford of Stirrup-Queen fame launched Project If to bring attention to and coincide with National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) from April 14 - 21, 2010. The idea was to name the What Ifs of infertility that, in Melissa's words; "keep knocking around inside your heart, keeping you awake at night, and allow the larger community to commiserate, empathize and carry your burden by reading your words." Over 400 people posted a What If by the deadline of April 16th.  While too late to submit mine to the Project, I have decided to put my What Ifs out anyway. So here we go.

I want to say beforehand that my Ifs don't keep me awake at night anymore, and I don't need anyone to commiserate with me (to express sympathy) or to "carry my burden," but I'll go with empathy if you like.

1. What If I had been informed at an earlier time and younger age, that women are born with the full supply of eggs that they will have for a lifetime?
2. What If, the doctors I consulted in my 20's about my two-week menstrual cycle (yes, twice a month) had actually treated me for it, instead of dismissing it, over a period of approximately 7 years? Would I have had enough good quality eggs left, when I began trying to conceive at 36 years old, to not experience recurrent miscarriage and secondary infertility?
3. What If I had been living in the United States, rather than in the U.K., during my first 3 miscarriages? Would a doctor have tested me and the foetus from the first pregnancy and diagnosed the problem?
4. What If I had known that I was pregnant that first time, when I had several spa treatments while on vacation, that my pregnant sister-in-law was not allowed to have?
5. What If my IVF cycle had been successful? Would I not have my bright, beautiful, funny, socially confident, physically cautious son who was conceived naturally 3 months later?
6. What If I had had a fertility coach of my own when we were going through this awful period in our marriage and our life? Would we have coped with our emotions and communicated better than we did?
7. What If I had been given a medical explanation for my recurrent miscarriages?  Would I still have wondered why God didn't want me to have a baby; be a mother?  Would I not have lost my belief in God back then?
8. What If I had not heard Michael J. Fox's quote on being diagnosed with Parkinsons Disease ; "People always ask me if I say to myself 'Why Me?' and I tell them, 'Why not me?"' Would I still be feeling sorry for myself, as if the infertility chose me personally?
9. What If I had never been plagued with miscarriage and infertility? Would I have ever experienced the interest, knowledge and certainty that I can help people through these crises, lightening their burden and allowing them to discover the strength inside them and change some of their beliefs about what parenting means?

I'm stopping there, even though there isn't a tidy, round number of What Ifs? I may think of more after this, or wonder what made me write one of these nine, but there will always be thoughts like that.  I just want to make a few things clear: these are thoughts and not regrets or complaints. I have the family I want and love. I have the first work/life balance that fulfils me and which I can do 7 days a week and far into the night, without being bored or resentful of it.  I have a few scars, but I am a survivor; more resilient, compassionate and dedicated to something outside myself my work as a fertility coach and writer, than before.

My present life began with the birth of my daughter and was set on its course with the birth of my son. All is as it should be now.

Raising Awareness About Infertility

As you will have seen on Twitter, Facebook and other social media sites, this is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW).  Tweeters have been on a campaign of posting, commenting, blogging and retweeting information all day today, trying to make infertility a "trending,"  or most tweeted about, topic in the United States. I'm not in the U.S., but I was happy to retweet several of these messages to my followers, because public awareness is important. Why?

Looking back about 9 years, I became aware of secondary infertility, only because it happened to me. My girlfriends who wanted children had had them with few, if any, challenges. I was confused. I had, by that time, been pregnant 4 times.  I thought that miscarriage was my issue and couldn't understand why, after giving birth to my daughter, I couldn't conceive again. I had no one to talk to about it. Some of my friends, who had had their first child at the same time as I did, were already pregnant with their second. Though I had a computer, I wasn't proficient with anything but e-mail. There was no Facebook or Twitter.

My situation was not unique.  It seems like today, so much is known about infertility.  Maybe it's because it is my driving force; the subject I am most passionate about.  I see, hear and read about infertility every day. But, other people, who don't have a personal need to know about infertility, also seem to know a fair bit.  Or is it just that because the subject is open for discussion in my world, people feel it's okay to bring it up in conversation?  I'm asked questions all the time about why infertility is so common now, whether fertility medicine is progressing fast enough and whether I believe the NHS should cover a larger span of women, into their forties.

Does everyone have the need to know about infertility? I would suggest, that:

• infertility should not be a taboo subject on which people feel discuss in public. 
• There should be no embarrassment or shame attached to the condition.
• Knowing about infertility helps people use sensitivity in their treatment of people who are dealing with it.
• Common knowledge about infertility would help infertile people to not feel isolated and alone.
• Knowledge of the huge number of infertile people in the population can help a person decide which politician to lobby about the cost of treatment, drugs and insurance.
• Awareness that infertility affects a sizeable percentage of the population, will eventually trickle down to sex education classes given to teenagers in school, equipping them much earlier than ever before with information about what can cause infertilty.
• Knowledge is power. If young women become aware that their lives could be affected by infertility, they may decide to go to a gyanecologist for a well-woman check much earlier, to stay away from things that endanger the chance of conception and a healthier pregnancy.
• Awareness of infertility could reverse the trend to marry and/or begin trying to conceive later.
• It would be a great result to have infertility lifted to a status on equal footing with other medical conditions, for the purposes of funding research.
• The more that is known, the more can be addressed, by public health departments, medical schools, pharmaceutical companies and creators of products that ease the testing, self-injections, medicating of and operating on infertile people.
• The more comfort and ease with which the subject of infertility is discussed, the greater the ability to connect a person with others who are experiencing similar challenges for mutual support.
• Knowledge about the physiological aspect of infertility can help people make appropriate lifestyle choices, on subjects such as caffiene, alcohol, cigarettes, recreational drugs, nutrition, stress, etc.
• Peoplewho are undergoing chemotherapy and other drug treatment will be able to avail themselves more easily of processes like sperm, egg or embryo freezing.
• Knowledge of the emotional aspect of infertility will cause help to be directed in that direction; including articles, books, fertility websites, forums, seminars, exhibitions, products, education and treatment

I'm sure there is much more, but I'm too tired to think.  I don't need to anyway, because the IF community is out there and I will read my tweets tomorrow to see what they are doing for NIAW. I'm even more proud than usual to be a fertility coach and advocate.

ICLWers Please Help Me Wrap Up My Survey

About a week ago, I created a survey How You Use the Web to Find or Share Fertility-Related Information and Support via Survey Monkey.  It's only 10 questions, the last of which can win you a prize of a free coaching session via telephone on any of your fertility-related challenges or worries. Because I love Twitter and am a part of the IF - Twitter community, I have been posting my request there for survey-takers among people trying to conceive.  Unfortunately, I haven't got the number of responses I need to make the survey credible. 

Why didn't I think to come to ICLWers first?  Even when writing my ICLW post the other day, it didn't occur to me. Talk about not seeing the forest for the trees! I would love to award the FREE FERTILITY COACHING prize to one of you.

PLEASE click on the link to the left under the ICLW icon to take this short survey.

• It will take only 5 minutes or so of your time (I've timed it).  
• It is all about the use of internet media and the spread of information.
• I do not ask for any details of your condition or status.
• It's almost entirely multiple choice, though you can add comments if you wish.
• You can use a username or alias (though to have a chance of winning the prize, you must put in an authentic email address).You can leave your name off if you don't want to be identified, although by entering this competition, you are consenting to your name/alias being published on my blog.
• You will be helping a fellow ICLWer (that's me of course).  I hope to include the collated results as part of a sponsorship/grant proposal.
• Don't forget the prize! A coaching session with me is worth £87 (approx $130) AND it is under my phone bill.

The link is just there in the left column below the April ICLW icon and above the Infertility's Common Thread icon.  In the hope that you will come through for me, I say a big Thank You in advance.

To your great life,

Lisa

Hello to ICLW Friends, Old and New

I felt slightly disoriented about the date, having had the children home for Easter break for 2 1/2 weeks.  They just went back to school yesterday and I can now find some breathing room to do a few of my favourite activities, one of which is reading other people's blogs. I'm ready to jump right in to the April list tonight.

I have a few interesting things going on here in London and while I know that many of you live thousands of miles from here, I'm glad I can share them with you.  While I continue to coach private clients internationally by phone and locally at Stanmore Chiropractic Clinic, I have been busy creating a series of group programs based around different fertility statuses: fertility health, trying to conceive, healthy pregnancy, menopause and early fertility, from menstruation to first sexual experiences. 

TTC from infertility and after miscarriage - Beginning in May, I'll be running 6-week fertility workshops for individuals and couples who want to maximize their chances of conceiving and carrying a healthy baby. There will be experiential taster sessions of different complementary therapies, including acupuncture, reflexology, massage, chiropractic care, fitness, hypnotherapy and, of course, my fertility coaching, tied together by group discussions on issues such as self-awareness, asking for support and decision-making. 

 

Some folks are more "sit-back-and-watch" kind of people, but I always think that you establish comfort and understanding more easily when you get involved.  I want everyone on the courses to go away with the knowledge that there are tools they can use to relax, centre and focus, restoring their confidence and control.  This program will repeat throughout the year, to include new members.  To also provide value to returning members, I'll be bringing new practitioners in each time, so attendees can get a chance to find the right practitioner for them.

 

I will use the same principles in two other workshop series this year:

• A mother/daughter workshop that will promote better communication and understanding of the stage of fertility they each find themselves.  We'll address the younger women's issues relating to changing body, emerging fertility and sexuality. We will also address the mother's issues, which depending upon her age, will include diminished fertility, slower metabolism, concerns about attractiveness and aging. They will be treated to sessions with a nutritionist, reflexologist, yoga instructor, personal trainer and image consultant. We will give these women activities they can do together and feel good about without the pressure of direct conversation in an empty space; and
• A menopause workshop for women in peri-menopause or menopause who are concerned about how they feel and look. While it isn't strictly uniform, women begin experiencing changes in their weight, energy levels, annoying memory lapses, relationships, sexuality and sleep habits. They will be involved in group discussions, create a "patchwork quilt" of their fertility history and re-examine their identity, style and ability to make significant contributions to family, work, community. It's about being clear about their quality of life each step of the way

Circle + Bloom - If you don't already know, I am the fertility coach for Circle + Bloom, the  American company that creates extraordinary audio programs to relax you and enhance your fertility through mind + body principles.  Common issues for women who become pregnant after infertility, fertility treatment and/or recurrent miscarriage, are fear, stress, lingering anger, relationship difficulties and lack of support. Their customers have been great coaching clients, because they are enthusiastic about and committed to doing everything they can to help themselves.  C + B are developing a program aimed specifically at IVF-assisted conception, to add to their popular 28-day program that syncs with your menstrual cycle and ovulation, a relaxation program for husbands, and sessions for pregnancy.  I'm proud to be associated with Joanne and Susan, the women who founded Circle + Bloom, and I'm committed to providing another dimension to their work through fertility coaching. Please head over to my the blog page explaining the benefits of our work.

Finally, I am delighted to announce that I have been invited to be a regular blogger for the American Fertility Association's (AFA) Blog.  I've been a fan of theirs and their dynamic Program Development Director and writer Corey Whelan for quite a while. Their mission statement is a commitment to preventing infertility whenever possible and to helping people build families of choice, particularly when faced with infertility.  Their website, blog and programs in the community educate and support thousands of people, regardless of sexual preference or marital status, whose greatest wishes include good health and a family. I hope to provide the AFA, and you, with newsworthy, thought-provoking and interesting reading.  You can find my first article, "It's Your Body; Know it to Own It," here.

Whew! That's it folks. I invite you to read the posts I've put up during my first year of blogging.  It's not all fertility-related, as I also have a family life and an abiding interest in people, fun, love, injustice, good food, giving and living.  Please leave comments. I depend upon them to keep me inspired to write, learning about all sorts of things and feel connected the people for whom I write. Having "0 Comments" after my posts makes me look like "Nancy No-Friends."  I intend to be better this month about answering your comments. Have fun!

Passing From Infertility to Motherhood; Who Are You Now?

A woman recently wrote that despite being pregnant now, she would always identify as an infertile. With a sudden rush of emotion and memories, I identified with her, like we were kindred spirits. Since then, though, I have wondered 1) if I truly feel that way and 2) whether that's a good thing or a bad thing.

I understood what the woman meant; the memories that don't go away, the sadness of missed opportunities, the loss of romance and innocence about man + woman having babies naturally, out of love for each other. As soon as I hear another woman talking about her infertility, I can empathize from direct experience. As a fertility coach, though, I cannot bring my own story into a session with a client. What I felt then, and what worked for me, may not pertain to her situation.  Though my clients feel reassured to have a coach who has experienced what they are going through, their sessions are not about me; it has to be 100% about her/them.

The second question: Is identifying as an infertile, once you're pregnant or have had a child, a positive or a negative? If you make a choice to act or behave in a certain way that is opposite from what you say you want to be or do, why are you living this contradiction? In other words, you have desperately wanted to join the pregnant girls, planning a nursery, names, clothes and toys, but once you get there you don't leave the past behind.

My own coach, Sarah, used to ask me all the time "What are you getting out of seeing or doing things this way?" about my negative ideas.  I answered "nothing" or "I don't know," thinking this must be a trick question, because I'm not getting anything I want from acting in a self-destructive way. She patiently waited for me to figure it out, and eventually I learned that there is always a belief or motive behind your behaviour. For example:

• A woman steps on the scale and sees that she has gained 5 unwanted pounds. Immediately afterward, she accepts an invitation to meet a friend for cake and coffee at their favourite cafe.  She may say she wants to lose weight, but her actions say something else. Her belief may be that she will always be fat, so why bother trying? She may use food to self-medicate; sugar and coffee are stimulants. Or, it could be for comfort, camaraderie, fear of the results of weight-loss success or rebellion; or
• A woman's husband never compliments her appearance. Still, she always asks him "how do I look?" Why does she ask?  Does she really want his opinion?  She may be copying her mother's exhanges with her father. She may just want her husband's attention, even if it's negative. Perhaps it confirms her own low self-esteem. Either that, or she's insanely hoping he will break his pattern and say she looks great???

So, how would a pregnant woman or a mother benefit from strongly identifying as, and calling herself, an infertile? 

• Solidarity - having been through her infertility with a group of other women, she may worry that she will be shut out now.
• Reassurance - after years of chasing a dream that is about to become a reality, she may suddenly fear actually getting what she has prayed for.
• Seniority - She has been through it all and come out the other side, giving her some status and a position, as mother, to envy or for inspiration.
• Expert or Role Model status - She is now in a position to give advice to others and get appreciation in return.
• One upmanship - Just like the new moms at a coffee date who trade stories about how bad their labour and deliveries were, this mom has a "story" that grabs attention and marks her as one who has overcome mountainous obstacles.
• Add more in the Comments below...

What might be the down side to a woman permanently labelling and identifying herself as infertile?

• A topic of conversation - If you are known to dine out on your infertility story as conversation, you have to also be prepared for someone else bringing it up.
• Emotional dead end - You may be masking your true feelings about your infertility, so never really achieving closure or moving on. 
• Set yourself apart - The same emotions that you had toward pregnant women while you were trying to conceive, could get in the way of you bonding with other new moms who had an easier time of it.
• Lack of pleasure in your pregnancy - You may actually be dampening down the pleasure that you could have in your pregnancy because you don't want to be seen as different, boastful, celebratory or insensitive to your infertile friends.
• Add more in the Comments below...

Do you lean one way or the other?  It is an emotionally confusing reflection. Suddenly you're pregnant. Everyone, fertile or not, is genuinely happy for you, rushing forward with congratulations. Some of the infertiles may privately cry "Why not me?" On the other hand, you may look at your fertile friends and think "where was she when I needed her?"  One way to decide how to handle it is to ask yourself:

• How can I share the joy of pregnancy and motherhood with my infertile friends, knowing how they still hurt?
• Where is the right balance? Should I try to contain my feelings and keep quiet about the experiences I now have? 
• Can I admit to myself, at least, that it's easier to smile at the other pregnant women in your ob/gynae's waiting room, as if we share a secret? 
• Can I admit now that I don't agree with the infertile friend who insists that we embrace the ugly term "barren" (or other view)?
• Are my friendships within the infertile community strong enough to withstand my changed circumstances?
• Can I be authentic when I join in the Tweets and blog posts, slamming someone's ex-friend who glowed too brightly, invited them to a baby shower, sent out a birth announcement or looked too cosy and happy on their Christmas photograph/card?
• Q: Why does it have to be one or the other? A: It doesn't, but it's not easy.

If you want to identify as infertile; do it. Just make sure you iknow why. Is it guilt; some idea that by achieving what you all want, you have betrayed the IF sisterhood? Shake it off. Guilt helps no one and will just sit between you like a boulder. Is it left-over anger that it was so difficult for you and so easy for others? Anger puts that boulder inside your chest and diminishes your ability to feel joy. If you can't let it go, I can help you with that. Don't leave it too long.

If you want to leave the infertility label behind so you can focus on your child and move forward; do it.  It doesn't mean you have to leave your infertile friends behind, but putting out some compassion and humour may be enough to overcome any fears or assumptions on their part. Put your energy into supporting them, while being up-front about your new life. Let them know that the effort they are putting into the pursuit of motherhood is worthwhile. Be real. Offer a shoulder when they cry and hope when they are tired.

If you are self-aware and sensitive to other people's feelings, you don't need to stand solely in one camp or the other. The truth is that once you are on the upswing, it's difficult to walk on eggshells. It takes a lot of effort to be joyful and inspirational on the one hand, and super-ultra-sensitive on the other. However, it's worthwhile to maintain your friendships and the closeness you felt when you were both in the same boat and have trusted friends to confide in. 

The kick in the pants is being big enough to forgive some of the women you hated while infertile, now that you know that awkwardness is the least of it. It's not black and white, is it?  If they just committed the crime of having a pregnant belly, shopping for baby clothes or pushing a stroller, repay them with some good karma. If they made a mistake out of not knowing how to treat you before, you might let them off the hook.  If they were extremely insensitive, teaching them to empathize with someone else is a service to the community! Outright bitchiness, however, deserves a well-placed comment, or even better, shunning by both the infertile and the fertile.  See? I told you that you didn't have to belong exclusively to either camp.

P.S. After wading through the questions above, I can tell you this about myself:  Now that I am removed by the passage of time and I have my two children, I have all the memories, but fewer emotions about my infertility. I identify with the women and men in the IF community, rather than identifying myself as an infertile person.  That's how I am able to be an effective fertility coach, a friend and a fully-present mother.

Where the Urge to Give Comes From: Contribution to Society, Charity, Generosity or Reward

There is a widespread belief that people who purposefully make a contribution to society, or believe that they do, are happier than those who don't.  "Contribution to society" often holds a place as one of the basic segments on a life coaching Wheel of Life, though it isn't a required element.  It's subjective; no one else is measuring or judging it, but the client himself. 

The teenage phrase "OMG, he's on such an ego trip," has survived for decades, as has "he thinks he's God's gift to the world."  It's popular language that accuses someone of thinking that his mere presence on this earth is his contribution to society. In his mind, sharing himself with the world is his raison d'etre. It's debatable whether he can achieve his purpose in life by leaving behind a quantity or quality of clan members. However, generally we connect more purposeful acts with the concept of generosity and the process of giving.    

I have a conundrum that has played a game of football in my head since I was young. The ball keeps getting passed around. Each time it's caught by someone with a secific outlook on the subject of giving, it gives me different facets of the equation, and the questions return to play.  Have you ever considered the following? 

• Is giving always generous?
• If you have a lot, and giving some of it away doesn't make any difference to how you live, is it still generous? 
• Is it generous even if you get tax relief in return?
• If you give what you want to give, rather than what the recipient needs, is it generous?
• Is a gift less charitable if the giver receives some benefit from the act of giving? Ex. include good PR, acts of gratitude, a naming of a program or building after a donor, an appointment as a Director, a summer job for the donor's child, etc.
• Is a donation somehow unpure unless it is made anonymously?  (Should Sandra Bullock have given her $1 million donation, to Doctors Without Borders for medical aid to Haiti, secretly? It's the same year that her movie The Blind Side came out, so it probably didn't hurt her chances of an Oscar.  Oh, for God's sake! It's $1 million.)
• For giving to constitute true generosity, does it have to involve some sort of personal sacrifice?

It's clear that contribution to society isn't necessarily purposeful or generous. There are people who possess a single-minded focus that results in achievement that ends up benefitting the society in either a direct or more tangential way.  They may pursue that focus with blinders on toward anything else around them. Think of scientific research, technical achievement, creative brilliance, medical cures, exploration of space and (good) political leadership. They may do what they do only for their love of the work, for the money or the glory.  Does it matter?  It might to you.  I don't care if the person who makes a huge breakthrough toward curing HIV or cancer also makes a fortune for his work.  But, does it make him a good person? Not necessarily. There isn't any one standard, really. 

It's been argued that even a purposeful act of generosity almost always brings the giver a benefit, even if only the reward of personal satisfaction.  In my opinion, one thing has nothing to do with the other. I see no wrong in deriving a sense of satisfaction that you have helped someone else personally or done something amazing for people you don't even know. That good feeling, personal fulfillment, will probably inspire the person to continue giving.  Perhaps the better they feel about themselves for doing it, the more they will give.  The benefit to the recipient is still there. 

Think of the formulaic TV program The Secret Millionaire. A "boy-done-well" disguised as a regular bloke, returns to his roots . He walks in off the street to community projects, overburdened carers and charities, where he pretends to be there just to lend a hand. He just happens to be followed by a film crew. A week later he "surprises" his new pals with the confession "I haven't been entirely truthful. I'm a very successful businessman." Several personal checks are handed over, hugs and tears are exchanged, viewers' eyes roll cynically and everyone feels good. (Now that you know the formula, wouldn't you twig if a stranger came in to your charity shop with a film crew, offering to provide manual labour?)  They even visit months later to see what good their donation has done. The now not-so-secret millionaire receives:

• enlightenment about conditions in the "real world;" 
• confirmation of how well-off he is compared to other folk;
• he gets to look the recipient in the eye and soak up their gratitude; and
• he gets great P.R. (now everyone knows how successful and how generous he is.)

Does that bother you? It doesn't bother me one bit and I suspect it doesn't bother most of the viewing public, otherwise this awful show would have been cancelled ages ago.  Instead, it's become a feel-good show that people watch for the sentimental value.  Aww, isn't that nice? He's sending the 10 year old carer with the ill mother to Disneyworld, giving the pensioners a new mini-bus to take them on day trips, and £20,000 to the teenage drop-in centre to tart the place up and fix the roof.  Obviously, I don't see a problem with a person or company giving charitably, even if they derive good public relations and further profit.  Go on, spread the wealth around! 

Sometimes, small donations from many people add up to vast charity funds. So far this year, Sports Relief has raised more than £31 million through both national and grass-roots fundraising.  Other times, money isn't enough. What is needed is hands-on help in a way that money can't buy. So, if you are conscious of a need, do you have an obligation to give?  Of course not. You can walk on by the beggar on the street, ignore the box on your insurance bill that asks if they can add in an extra pound for their chosen cause, and throw away the letters that ask you to go door to door in your neighbourhood asking for donations to charities for cleft palate repair in India or neglected dogs in Derbyshire.  Charity should never be forced, like a tax or a tithe.  Whatever your motivation, giving should be an act of free will.

Giving out of guilt is probably more common than we think.  Certainly, the big- brand charities give their advertising firms a lot of room in which to play on the public's guilt. They cleverly pitch their ad campaigns at people who feel guilty for what they have inherited, for the ridiculous sums of money they earn, for the comfort of their sofa while they watch the clip of barefoot children who walk 6 miles to school . "Just £1.42 ( less than a 2 litre bottle of milk) a week can buy them a life-saving, anti-malarial mosquito net." If giving to others also lessens their guilt, should we be less admiring of their act?   Let them rationalize their second home, private schools, multi-car-filled garage and year-round tan with the thought that they also "do good" with their money.

There is a caveat to my arguments above... if someone cloaks a guilt-payment, for some harmful situation to which they have contributed, as an act of generosity. For instance, a pay-off for environmental damage that courts public appreciation or a developer's creation of a small playground as a "gift," when it is really to compensate for building houses on Greenbelt land. 

You may be wondering what I do, in the way of charity.  I have a few favourite causes; I give modest amounts of money to a diabetes charity because it affects one of my brothers and to Kidney Research because I lost a very dear friend to kidney failure.  I'm likely to stop and put coins in a box for Help the Aged, the NSPCC or any other charity that benefits children. I donate my childrens' toys, books and clothing to the local charity shops, benefitting the Peace Hospice and Barnardos, when we no longer nead them.  Mostly I give my time.  I helped my then-seven year old daughter raise approximately £1,400 for ClicSargent Cancer Charity for Children by cutting eleven inches off her hair, which was donated to make a wig for a child with cancer. I participate in nearly all the fund-raising activities for my children's primary school so they can have better school trips, equipment and a fun fair.  I work the Helpline for The Miscarriage Association and I lead a monthly miscarriage support group.  Do you sense a theme here?  I give whatever I can to the charities or causes that are personally meaningful to me and my family.

I wish I could give and do more. There are causes that I can't afford to support monetarily.  This all makes me sound like a Goody-Two-Shoes.  However, I'm happy to admit that I get something in return for what I do give:

• I derive great satisfaction from knowing that my small efforts help other people.
• I feel good about inspiring others to give as well;
• It makes me feel better about the frivolous things, like makeup, I buy for my pleasure;
• I'm setting an example for my children.

So, perhaps I am not so generous after all. You be the judge. Just keep your opinion to yourself, because I'm going to continue just as I have been and enjoy it.

 

How Can You Tell When You're Over Something?

You know those events in your life that had so much impact that you believed you would never get over them?  Those events are so specific to you that they can even become a part of you, in your own mind or that of others. You may identify with this event so deeply that you want to be known for it, or you may feel saddled with that identification and unable to get out from under it, like a heavy, wet, wool blanket.

I can think of several heavyweight examples:

• major illness or injury;
• being fired from your employment, public office or other position;
• relationship break-up or divorce;
• being the target of fraud;
• a violent act, such as rape, attempted murder, beating or mugging;  
• the death of a child, parent, sibling or close friend;
• a miscarriage;
• witnessing a traumatic event;
• being fired from your employment, public office or other position; or
• prolonged exposure to hardship, war, or abuse.

I'm sure you can think of someone who has become an icon for some of the incidents above; rather sadly, in an inspired way or both. Any photo of Madeleine McCann's parents Gerry and Kate immediately brings to mind their heartbreaking loss, but also their determination never to stop searching for her. From seeing their grim faces, it might seem that this couple will never be able to get over the kidnapping of their little girl.  However, even the McCanns must move forward to some extent, because they have two other children to raise and love. They will learn to cope with their feelings in order to function as a family, but also to experience joy and growth with them.  Some less extreme examples, but still significant, are:

• an argument that causes a split with a friend, family member or trusted colleague;
• a financial loss, such as share prices dropping, business closing or personal bankruptcy;
• failing a course or even an entire program;
• a change of appearance; and
• the loss of a material possession.

You may feel a knot in your stomach, just from reading the two lists above, if you have experienced any of those events or if they include possibilities that you want to avoid at all costs.  You could carry them around with you for a long time in your mind, even if the event has passed.  Have you ever said "I'm never going to get over this" about any of the situations above, or something similar?  When you experience a painful event, it can seem that way.  It all depends upon who you are and what you need to compensate for the negative event or its consequences.

Think of Leslie Ash, the actress from Men Behaving Badly, who contracted MRSA during a stay at Chelsea & Westminster Hospital. Her reported £5 million settlement from the NHS may have gone a long way toward helping her to get over the life-threatening disease and its long-lasting consequences.  However, she was also the focus of harsh scrutiny, criticism and cruel jokes when cosmetic surgery to plump up her lips went over the top and resulted in the coining of a new term: the trout pout. In a flash, she went from being a cultural icon in the UK for her good looks and light comedy, to being a symbol of all that is wrong about society's obsession with youth.  It nearly ruined her career. I suspect that it took her years and inner strength to regain her self-image and the confidence to go back to acting. I just saw her the other night in an episode of Holby City, so I assume she has "gotten over it," to some degree.

What does "getting over it" really mean?  Even the most extreme emotional reaction may eventually be put to rest. You have to want to live the rest of your life, in spite of, or because of, your challenge. Once you make that decision (it may not come as a sudden revelation), you will realize that you have to process the event, its repercussions and your feelings about it, in order to move on. You'll need:

1. purpose
2. acknowledgment and understanding of your feelings;
3. perspective;
4. determination;
5. readiness; and
6. recognition that you have let it go.

Purpose - You want something new more than you want to hold on to your painful feelings. That could be a new relationship following divorce or widowhood, a new business post-bankruptcy, a return to fitness after illness or injury, trying to conceive again after a miscarriage, or regaining public respect after a loss of status.  Sometimes you don't even realize that the seeds of your purpose have been planted. Signs that you are on your way are:

• finding other subjects to talk about;
• interest in the lives of others;
• positivity in your thoughts and use of language (saying could instead of couldn't, I will, instead of I'll try);
• compassion toward someone else;
• daydreaming about the future.

Acknowledging and Understanding Your Feelings - First you have to acknowledge your feelings and allow yourself to feel them. Then, you can go on to make sense of them.  It helps to be somewhat self-aware to begin with. It also helps to have built up a vocabulary of emotion, so that you can put a name to the symptoms.

To some extent, we all employ denial as a protective device to avoid risk of pain. It's logical to want to avoid discomfort, but that doesn't work here.  Additionally, those negative feelings may not match up with how you see yourself or how you want others to see you. You may worry people will think you are weak, that you are to blame for what happened, or that your abilities are impaired.  Signs of avoidance include insistence that you are alright, refusal to discuss your feelings, a quickness to anger when there's a risk of exposure, or depression.

There may also be some people-pleasing behaviour that hinders your recovery.  High emotion can be frightening to people who are unaccustomed to expressing it themselves, which can lead them to express disapproval.  If you suspect that everyone around you wants you to get over it (either for their own sake or out of concern for you), you may repress your feelings.  Sweeping them under the rug doesn't do anything but smother them until someone or something lifts the rug up again. Try to put your own needs first.

Perspective - This is a game of comparison.  Imagine that you have a yardstick and that each line represents different desires, needs, happenings, opportunities and feelings.  Immediately after a traumatic event, the event itself, the results and/or responses to the event and its importance to you may be at the very top of the yardstick, in the 30" to 36" area.  With the passage of time and the occurrence of subsequent events, those top items may slip down lower, an inch at a time, on the yardstick.  Good examples of gaining perspective are:

• If a painful divorce leaves both parties very angry and their children suffering, they may eventually realize that their anger isn't as important as their children's emotional health and happiness; or
• the pain of miscarriage can cause a woman to fear a re-occurrence and as a result, be unwilling to conceive again. After some time, she may find that her desire to have a child is at a higher level than the risk that a subsequent pregnancy will end in miscarriage.

These are important steps of self-preservation that could lead toward getting over the "unfortunate-to-devastating" events.  The pain of divorce and miscarriage can subside over time, as more and more pressing issues take their place at the top of the yardstick.  Alternatively, a fullfilling connection with a new partner or the birth of a healthy child can lessen the acuteness of the original event.

Determination - Some people will have a purposeful determination that they will recover and will take active steps to make it happen. However, determination to go on can also be seen in small steps forward. You have probably heard the motto "one day at a time" borrowed from 12-step groups that deal with addiction. It serves as recognition that you won't achieve sustainable change overnight, but may achieve it on a slow, but steady pace.

Readiness -  You may be the sort of person who prefers to live with the discomfort of a painful event for a while and let it work its way out of your system. It could take days, weeks or even years.  One day, you could awaken to the realization that you haven't thought about your pain in a whole hour. Then, the hour becomes a day and so on. Eventually, you realize that you can think, or even talk, about the event without feeling a surge of emotion. You may be doing more positive things for yourself; a self-help technique you didn't even know you were using.

Readiness has to come in your own time; not on someone else's schedule. If a lack of readiness to heal is holding you back from doing something you think you really want, you may want the assistance of a professional. Asking for help is a proactive step toward changing your thinking, processing your emotions and changing your behaviour.

Recognition - It's important to know when you have arrived. The weight of a negative event can be very heavy; affecting your state of mind, health, relationships, efficiency, posture and even your appearance.  Recognizing that the incident no longer controls you imparts a feeling of freedom.  If you sense a change in yourself, go with it. On the other hand, someone else might notice first and comment that you look better, seem more relaxed, speak more positively and have increased energy. Take note of their reaction and look for signs in your demeanor and behaviour.

Capitalize on the positive changes and multiply them until you feel "like your old self," or "like a new person."  These cliches exist for a reason; they speak of the human survival instinct, which propels healing and self-improvement.

Healing doesn't mean forgetting - Healing allows us to lead the remainder of our lives with varying degrees of achievement and joy. It doesn't mean that in doing so, we have to forget painful incidents entirely.  For example:

• remembering the pain of a serious break-up can help a woman understand her own needs, faulty thinking and/or the appreciation she has for her next partner; 
• being fired from a job can leave a person feeling misunderstood, angry or humiliated.  When the sting subsides, remembering why the event occurred can help someone safeguard against that situation in a subsequent job.
• a person with a burning desire to achieve greatness in a cerebral or creative way, may be stopped in their tracks by adversity and changed by their traumatic experience, but find a way to use it in their work.

Memories of a traumatic event can not only serve an individual well, but also serve the community around them. A person who lost a loved one to breast cancer may be inspired by their deep feelings of loss to raise money for breast cancer research. On a larger scale, during and after many years of imprisonment in South Africa, Nelson Mandela has become an international symbol, not only of the injustice of racial discrimination, but also of forgiveness. These two examples show that people can place a positive cause at a higher priority than their own suffering.  The reward: using their experience to help others, while putting their own pain behind them.

Do you want to get over a painful experience, such as infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth, the unexpected failure of an adoption arrangement or any other fertility-related trauma?  I can guide and support you through that process, when you are ready.

Delicious Fund-Raising Idea for Your Favourite Charity

I had a flash of brilliance this morning!

I was looking at the surplus of chocolate in our house, though probably less than most, wondering how to keep out of it. The children are obsessed with it, sneaking glances at each other's stash and breaking off bits when my back is turned. If anyone had asked, I would have hinted for quality over quantity, but the kids are a different story. I'm in the kitchen, trying not to have chocolate for breakfast with my coffeeand suddenly the thought expanded to include all my friends who complain bitterly about the temptation. Before it got to global proportions, a simple idea hit me. 

If people gave all of their unwanted, wrapped or boxed chocolates and we re-sorted them into beautiful, Large and Extra-Large cellophane bundles, we could auction them off and donate the proceeds to a charity. An auction could be set up quickly, either locally or online, where each bundle would be displayed and put on individual lists that run until a pre-set End date and time.  Whoever is the highest bidder on each bundle at the end, would receive it in exchange for the amount they had bid. 

Receive, Give, Benefit:

• The benefit to the bidder: lots of yummy chocolate;
• The benefit to the auction organizers: giving away chocolate that they didn't have to buy themselves, therefore reducing their overhead to a minimum;
• The benefit to the charity: receipt of donated funds without depleting their own resources; and
• The benefit to the chocolate donors: avoiding sugar highs and expanding waistlines.

Everyone wins.

Have all of the pretty, shiny bundles of chocolate displayed for the agreed period of the silent auction, with a separate list for of each one. Everyone interested can see who has previously bid and how much; get a little healthy competition going.  I've come up with a few ways to make it more exciting. 

1. Identify your target market: children, shoppers, commuters, employees, event visitors, club members, convention delegates, theatre go-ers or the general public. Choose a venue and length of auction that works best for your target market. Then, arrange with the venue's management to "host" you.
2. If there is a publicized event  already organized, that you can attach yourself to, such as a boot sale, school or church fete, start and end in one day.
3. You could use a safe, but high traffic, place to display them for a week, such as the lobby of your fitness club or corporate offices, even if you had to lock them up each night.
4. Display a photo and description of each numbered bundle on your blog and invite visitors to bid on them in the comment section.
5. Use transparent, coloured cellopane to bundle most of the chocolate. Choose  just a few bundles to package in opaque wrappers (wrap in paper first, before bundling in coloured cellopane), making those into a "blind" auction.
6. If you are in a relatively public location, where people can gather to watch, hold a chocolate-bundle raffle every hour. Get your team to wander around with rolls of raffle tickets, selling them for a nominal amount, perhaps 50 pence or £1, and give away something worth at least 10 X the ticket price.  Announce the winner while the crowd is in front of you, to feed off of their interest.
7. Alternatively, set a precise time to announce all winners (auction and raffle) at the end of an event. Have a member of the charity on hand to accept a donation. Ask a local journalist to be on hand with a photographer.
8. If you hold your event near the entrance of a supermarket, ask management to announce your auction/raffle over their Tannoy every once in a while.
9. Ask your local shops to donate all their extra Easter chocolates to your cause with imminent "Use By" dates.
10. Fill a large glass jar with mini-eggs and other small, wrapped chocolates and let people guess how many are in it, for a £1. Announce the winner at the end of the day and give them the contents.

I know that it might seem late in the day to set up a fund-raising event quickly enough to capitalize on today's Easter chocolates, however, it can be done if you choose one idea above and put out a little energy. If you look around your community and identify a likely venue or event, go for it. Don't complicate it with overthinking it. Just do it. You only need a small team of enthusiastic people, a press release, some posters and cellophane. It's the term break this week, with lots of kids around and parents off work.  Perhaps you can get your own kids involved in wrapping bundles.

Please Tweet this and add your ideas or opinions in the Comment section below.

My Hypothetical Surrogacy Arrangement

About a month ago, I watched a TV documentary about surrogacy arrangements spotlighting 3 couples and their surrogates. It inspired me to write about it here. While the surrogates were depicted as having a genuine interest in helping other people to have a child, I think it's fair to say that the parents seemed nervous and wary. That, in turn, made the surrogates somewhat defensive.  I felt that their likeability, or lack of it, was emphasized more than what was really at issue, but that's what makes good TV. It may have been down to the editing process more than actuality. 

I was most interested in the mix of personalities and the way they all handled these fragile relationships.  At the end of the program, I breathed a sigh of relief as each couple went home with their baby, partially because I was afraid that it was all going to blow up in their faces. The 3 surrogacy arrangements were neither straight commercial transactions, nor hug and let's-all-be-friends-forever type of relationships.

Then, last night (31st March,2010), I caught a Tweet from @RotundaIVF: "Would they be eating appropriately? Would they be emotionally stable? Would they carry the baby and be happy? Worried about ur surrogate mother? No need… ."  The article is basically an advertisement for the surrogacy services provided by the fertility clinic in India, which is neither here nor there. The Tweet reminded me of the geographical distance between the British/European parents and the American surrogates in the TV show and the part that played in the relationships.  Since the UK doesn't allow surrogacy, that's how it would be for British residents, unless they uproot themselves for 9 months to live near their surrogate. When parents aren't in close enough proximity to see their surrogate regularly, their questions and concerns about the pregnancy must be constant. 

It's hard enough to know what you are doing right or wrong in your own first pregnancy.  Can I eat bacon? Should I use organic, fumeless paint in the nursery? Can I go to my aerobics class as long as possible? How dangerous is one frozen margarita? Do I have to play classical music to my tummy-bump or can it be Bon Jovi?  What if I sat in the  Jacuzzi before I knew I was pregnant? I had more than a few sleepless nights worrying about a what I did or didn't do in my pregnancies, because of conflicting messages from the Pregnancy Police. 

In the vast majority of cases, surrogacy is a last-ditch option for a couple that wants a biological or half-biological child, when all medical efforts and possibilities to conceive have failed. Then, there will be the older women who have already gone through menopause.  I don't have statistics for the growing trend of gay men to use a surrogate to have their child. Neither do I know if there really are women who use surrogacy as a lifestyle option; so their career, social life or smooth skin aren't cramped or wrinkled by pregnancy or childbirth.  It doesn't matter much, because they will all end up as parents in the end and will want ther baby to be as perfect and healthy as possible. 

In empathy with each couple who comes to that pivotal point when they consider surrogacy, I started asking those questions above, and more, as if it was my baby who was being carried by another woman.  What would I want to know? What questions would race through my mind as I lay in bed every night, wondering how I had dared to entrust the most coveted role of my life to someone else? Here are a few questions about my hypothetical surrogacy arrangement:

• Is my surrogate taking care of herself the way she would if it was her baby she carried?
• Is she taking care of herself the way I would if I was pregnant?
• Does she take her pre-natal supplements?
• What is her home life like? I wouldn't want my baby to feel the surrogate's depression, anger, arguing, stress.
• Is she filling out due to junk food or caffeinated and fizzy drinks?
• Is she having sexual relations with anyone during "my" pregnancy?
• Is she nice? (Karma, I suppose)
• Does she use foul language? (I am wanting to cover my baby's ears, even though 1) I've been known to use a few expletives myself and 2) the rational part of me knows it wouldn't be understood.)
• Is the baby going to be allergic to something from the surrogate's eating or housekeeping?
• Should I ask, or wait to be invited, to touch her bump and feel my baby moving?

There are so many other questions I could come up with if I sat with this longer, but I wonder about the American homosexual couple who featured in Rotunda IVF's article. "

They did not meet the surrogate mother before the birth of their child; they just took on the process on faith and believed in good karma." This amazed me, but then I thought; how ironic that even homosexual men consider pregnancy "women's work;" something with which they need not concern themselves directly. But, not to even want to meet her? 

Everyone will have unique ideas and expectations of what the parent-surrogate relationship should be.  Some won't want to become too involved with their surrogate, for fear that she would want to remain a part of their lives. They would be the most likely to "opt for Surrogacy as... a shorter and more secure process... their flesh and blood...overseas... reduced cost and the anonymity of the process." They could ask the obstetrician in the fertility clinic all their questions and be delivered of their child in a blind transfer. I can't think of anything worse, personally, than being anonymous to my (hypothetical) surrogate as I do like a bit more control. I would probably want her to know and like us, as if those good feelings warm, happy feelings would transfer to our baby.

Others might want to know everything about their surrogate, to fulfil their need to control the process. That's our baby she's carrying. We are paying her.  We should be able to dictate how she spends her time, what she eats, how late she goes out, etc...  Of course, she is not an indentured servant, but I wouldn't be surprised if that's what some people have in mind.  I vaguely remember a made-for-TV movie from decades back (I'm completely guessing here, but maybe Mare Winningham was in it. Or not.), where a pregnant teen had agreed to give up her baby for adoption.  It all went from playing happy family to a constant battle like two teams on either side of the Tug o' War rope due to misunderstandings and expectations. It could just as easily play out that way with a surrogacy arrangement.  What happens if or when the parents aren't emotionally intelligent and push all the wrong buttons? What if it is all about the money for the surrogate and she resents the scrutiny? 

Still others may be so grateful for this woman giving their baby life, that they would want to have her in their lives permanently, like in an Open Adoption. This last type probably have a very romantic ideal of their relationship and, as a consequence, have the potential of being hurt if they fall out with each other. I would advise people not to have unrealistic expectations like that. If, during the pregnancy, the adults involved come to like, respect and enjoy each other, that natural process of becoming friends is most likely to turn out how they wanted it. Taking advantage of a surrogacy clinic's offer of counseling or coaching would be smart, no matter what category you think you fit within.  There will be unexpected bumps in the road during this process (I'm hating the ubiquitous word "journey" right now.), and having a well-trained liaison will be essential.

I want to know more about this from people who are, or have, experienced surrogacy first-hand, domestically or internationally.  If that's you and you would like to write a guest-blog for me, I would be happy for you to contact me.