About a month ago, I watched a TV documentary about surrogacy arrangements spotlighting 3 couples and their surrogates. It inspired me to write about it here. While the surrogates were depicted as having a genuine interest in helping other people to have a child, I think it's fair to say that the parents seemed nervous and wary. That, in turn, made the surrogates somewhat defensive. I felt that their likeability, or lack of it, was emphasized more than what was really at issue, but that's what makes good TV. It may have been down to the editing process more than actuality.
I was most interested in the mix of personalities and the way they all handled these fragile relationships. At the end of the program, I breathed a sigh of relief as each couple went home with their baby, partially because I was afraid that it was all going to blow up in their faces. The 3 surrogacy arrangements were neither straight commercial transactions, nor hug and let's-all-be-friends-forever type of relationships.
Then, last night (31st March,2010), I caught a Tweet from @RotundaIVF: "Would they be eating appropriately? Would they be emotionally stable? Would they carry the baby and be happy? Worried about ur surrogate mother? No need… ." The article is basically an advertisement for the surrogacy services provided by the fertility clinic in India, which is neither here nor there. The Tweet reminded me of the geographical distance between the British/European parents and the American surrogates in the TV show and the part that played in the relationships. Since the UK doesn't allow surrogacy, that's how it would be for British residents, unless they uproot themselves for 9 months to live near their surrogate. When parents aren't in close enough proximity to see their surrogate regularly, their questions and concerns about the pregnancy must be constant.
It's hard enough to know what you are doing right or wrong in your own first pregnancy. Can I eat bacon? Should I use organic, fumeless paint in the nursery? Can I go to my aerobics class as long as possible? How dangerous is one frozen margarita? Do I have to play classical music to my tummy-bump or can it be Bon Jovi? What if I sat in the Jacuzzi before I knew I was pregnant? I had more than a few sleepless nights worrying about a what I did or didn't do in my pregnancies, because of conflicting messages from the Pregnancy Police.
In the vast majority of cases, surrogacy is a last-ditch option for a couple that wants a biological or half-biological child, when all medical efforts and possibilities to conceive have failed. Then, there will be the older women who have already gone through menopause. I don't have statistics for the growing trend of gay men to use a surrogate to have their child. Neither do I know if there really are women who use surrogacy as a lifestyle option; so their career, social life or smooth skin aren't cramped or wrinkled by pregnancy or childbirth. It doesn't matter much, because they will all end up as parents in the end and will want ther baby to be as perfect and healthy as possible.
In empathy with each couple who comes to that pivotal point when they consider surrogacy, I started asking those questions above, and more, as if it was my baby who was being carried by another woman. What would I want to know? What questions would race through my mind as I lay in bed every night, wondering how I had dared to entrust the most coveted role of my life to someone else? Here are a few questions about my hypothetical surrogacy arrangement:
- Is my surrogate taking care of herself the way she would if it was her baby she carried?
- Is she taking care of herself the way I would if I was pregnant?
- Does she take her pre-natal supplements?
- What is her home life like? I wouldn't want my baby to feel the surrogate's depression, anger, arguing, stress.
- Is she filling out due to junk food or caffeinated and fizzy drinks?
- Is she having sexual relations with anyone during "my" pregnancy?
- Is she nice? (Karma, I suppose)
- Does she use foul language? (I am wanting to cover my baby's ears, even though 1) I've been known to use a few expletives myself and 2) the rational part of me knows it wouldn't be understood.)
- Is the baby going to be allergic to something from the surrogate's eating or housekeeping?
- Should I ask, or wait to be invited, to touch her bump and feel my baby moving?
There are so many other questions I could come up with if I sat with this longer, but I wonder about the American homosexual couple who featured in Rotunda IVF's article. "
They did not meet the surrogate mother before the birth of their child; they just took on the process on faith and believed in good karma." This amazed me, but then I thought; how ironic that even homosexual men consider pregnancy "women's work;" something with which they need not concern themselves directly. But, not to even want to meet her?Everyone will have unique ideas and expectations of what the parent-surrogate relationship should be. Some won't want to become too involved with their surrogate, for fear that she would want to remain a part of their lives. They would be the most likely to "opt for Surrogacy as... a shorter and more secure process... their flesh and blood...overseas... reduced cost and the anonymity of the process." They could ask the obstetrician in the fertility clinic all their questions and be delivered of their child in a blind transfer. I can't think of anything worse, personally, than being anonymous to my (hypothetical) surrogate as I do like a bit more control. I would probably want her to know and like us, as if those good feelings warm, happy feelings would transfer to our baby.
Others might want to know everything about their surrogate, to fulfil their need to control the process. That's our baby she's carrying. We are paying her. We should be able to dictate how she spends her time, what she eats, how late she goes out, etc... Of course, she is not an indentured servant, but I wouldn't be surprised if that's what some people have in mind. I vaguely remember a made-for-TV movie from decades back (I'm completely guessing here, but maybe Mare Winningham was in it. Or not.), where a pregnant teen had agreed to give up her baby for adoption. It all went from playing happy family to a constant battle like two teams on either side of the Tug o' War rope due to misunderstandings and expectations. It could just as easily play out that way with a surrogacy arrangement. What happens if or when the parents aren't emotionally intelligent and push all the wrong buttons? What if it is all about the money for the surrogate and she resents the scrutiny?
Still others may be so grateful for this woman giving their baby life, that they would want to have her in their lives permanently, like in an Open Adoption. This last type probably have a very romantic ideal of their relationship and, as a consequence, have the potential of being hurt if they fall out with each other. I would advise people not to have unrealistic expectations like that. If, during the pregnancy, the adults involved come to like, respect and enjoy each other, that natural process of becoming friends is most likely to turn out how they wanted it. Taking advantage of a surrogacy clinic's offer of counseling or coaching would be smart, no matter what category you think you fit within. There will be unexpected bumps in the road during this process (I'm hating the ubiquitous word "journey" right now.), and having a well-trained liaison will be essential.
I want to know more about this from people who are, or have, experienced surrogacy first-hand, domestically or internationally. If that's you and you would like to write a guest-blog for me, I would be happy for you to contact me.
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