Recently, a woman inquired about my one-to-one coaching sessions. She had been trying to conceive for nearly 2 years without success. I explained the benefits of coaching specific to her stated needs, as I understood them. She repeatedly said “Oh, that’s definitely where we are” and “That’s great!” I gave her available times and she said she would make an appointment. Then, in a turn-around, the woman started to back-track. No more of “I really need your help.” She said that she might wait until September to start coaching. Having spent 20 minutes giving her a phone consultation, I knew that it was time to end the call.
A person must first recognize that they need help. She has to see that there is something she cannot do on her own, find the right help and commit to the process. That commitment includes taking action, even if it will be scary or difficult. What propels it is how much she wants the result. The “helper” is there to support her, not do her work for her. A person, who can’t decide to actually take up that help when it is available, is simply not ready. The desire to create sustainable change has to be come from within.
For a less specific goal (than conceiving), or one less governed by a time frame, it’s best left for the client to take a leap forward or to push the timeframe further into the future. However, in the case of infertility and conception, time is of the essence for most people. There are exceptions, as in someone who wants to have a child at a very young age, but most of my clients are in their 30’s and early 40’s. Their window of opportunity may have already begun to shut. A doctor once told me that every month you don’t get help with your fertility issues, is a missed opportunity to conceive. Six months of procrastination and it’s roughly 6 cycles in which you could have become pregnant, but didn’t give yourself the best chance to do so. If you are 30 years old, that 6 months is perhaps 1/20 of your projected child-bearing years left. However, at 37 years old, that 6 months represents 1/6 of your remaining fertile years. The lesson: stop prevaricating. If you have a desire to conceive and you know you may have a problem doing so, get the right help that will help you do that: now.
I told this story to someone (no names mentioned, of course) who has never had coaching for any issue. She asked, “why did you let the woman go…don’t you want another client?” Of course I do. But I don’t want a client who won’t give herself everything she’s got to give. That’s very frustrating. I give each client my full attention in a session. I commit to being a part of the client’s support system. I want my client’s success as much as they do. Butif a client isn’t committed to achieving that success, it won’t happen, no matter how good a coach I am. I want to arrive at each session with energy and leave with the reward of seeing the client take steps forward, even if they are baby steps. That fuels my interest. It means I will be the best coach I can be for that client. So, I let her go. I sincerely hope that she will come back to make that appointment, but if she doesn’t, then clearly, she wasn’t ready and wouldn’t make a good client, or I wasn’t the right coach for her.
What interests me about this scenario, and why I am telling you, is how often I hear similar stories from others who get “no shows.” I also coach clients of a local fitness club. Nearly every week there is someone who has decided it isn’t worth it to get to the club by 9:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning for my group session. The help is offered, but the opportunity is wasted. They clearly didn’t prioritize it and that’s fine with me. I have no desire to work with a disinterested person. It’s like trying to move a huge boulder out of the road that's obscuring your vision of the destination. If you can't move it, you have to find your way over it, around it or through it. Sitting down in front of the boulder will not change anything or give you the insight about what is ahead.
When the potential client is a woman, I believe that the unwillingness to step forward can be a case of low self-worth. Even if she looks really together, dressed and made up attractively, bubbly or low-key, a woman faced with an opportunity to achieve something may step back, as if burned by a flame. Fear of failure if put to the test? Fear of success? Discomfort with the idea of being vulnerable? Discomfort with the idea of spending money on herself, as if it’s an indulgence or a weakness? Whatever the reason, it’s important that you understand that a lack of self-belief and worthiness is a self-imposed obstacle in the form of a negative belief or mindset.
By not doing something for yourself as simple and direct as asking for help, you are making a choice. You choose to believe that you don’t deserve to have what you want or that you can't get it. If you want a child, and aren’t having any luck conceiving on your own, the inability or unwillingness to ask for help is you putting your discomfort in the way of helping yourself have that child. If you see yourself in this description, ask yourself some tough questions.
1. What is my priority? Specify it and give it a time-frame, i.e. I want to conceive in the next 4 months, or I want to have a baby before my 3rd anniversary, or before I turn 40. How much time do you have on your side?
2. On a scale of 1 – 10, 1 being low and 10 being high, where does conceiving a baby sit?
3. On a scale of 1 – 10, 1 being low importance, 10 being very important. where do you rate the importance of retaining your pride, not looking needy or not like you think you deserve that help?
4. What is your mindset about achieving your goal? Rate it 1 – 10, 1 being without hope, 10 representing optimism and faith that you will conceive and have a baby.
5. If I offered you a deal; “You give me $1,000 right now and I will wave my wand and make you pregnant.” What would you do? Rate it; 1 is you running a mile, 10 is you handing me $1,000.
6. If you are worried about the hard work involved in changing your attitudes (mindset) , behavior or habits, balance it out by going back to the first question: What is my priority…
· 1. smoking: 1 – 10;
· 2. clubbing: 1 – 10;
· 3. junk food 1 – 10;
· 4. fitness: 1-10;
· 5. stressful job: 1 – 10;
· 6. being a size ‘0’: 1 – 10;
· 7. a nightly glass or two of wine, to wind down: 1 – 10;
· 8. getting enough sleep: 1 – 10;
· 9. the 2 or 3 fully caffeinated cappuccinos, to gear up: 1- 10; or
· 10. The time spent seeing doctors, complementary therapists and/or a fertility coach: 1 – 10?
Now, I can tell you that you cannot answer both Q2 and Q3 as 10. If you answer Q3 with anything over the number 3, you may not be ready for the big, long-term goal of having a child. You may, however, need coaching to establish self-belief. The coaching process is not a walk in the park. You may really need to push the boundaries of your comfort zone. It’s like training for a marathon and thinking you’ll probably not make it to the end…not a strong enough runner; not having the will to push the pain barrier; never being good enough at sports; it doesn’t matter that much. With that mindset, you are probably correct; you won’t make it to the end.
Add up your answers and assign them an (a) or a (b), as follows:
Q3 – If you answered 1 – 3: (b). If you answered 4 – 10: (a)
Q4 – If you answered 1 - 6: (a). If you answered 7 – 10: (b)
Q5 – If you answered 1 – 8: (a). If you answered 9 or 10: (b)
Q6 – If you answered:
1. 1 (b) 2 – 10 (a)
2. 1 or 2 (b) 3 – 10 (a)
3. 1 – 2 (b) 3 – 10 (a)
4. 1 – 5 (a) 6 – 10 (b)
5. 1 – 5 (b) 6 – 10 (a)
6. 1 – 3 (b) 4 – 10 (a)
7. 1 – 3 (b) 4 – 10 (a)
8. 1 – 5 (a) 6 – 10 (b)
9. 1 – 3 (b) 4 – 10 (a)
10. 1 – 2 (a) 3 – 10 (b)
How many (a)’s do you have out of 14 answers + how many (b)’s out of 14 answers?
If you have 12 or more (b)’s, you are probably self-aware and with, or without help, you may have enough self-motivation to undergo medical treatment, other therapeutic program or both, in order to conceive and have a healthy pregnancy.
If you have fewer than 10 (b)’s, (more than 4 (a)’s), you are allowing too much to chance or luck in trying to conceive. Fertility coaching could help clarify why you are still holding on to self-sabotaging behavior, despite what you say you want. If you commit to making these lifestyle changes, a coach can help you achieve them.
Any more than 5 (a)’s and, in my opinion, you are not sure that having a baby is really what you want. You are not ready to give up those beliefs and behaviours in order to conceive and carry a healthy baby. A coach could help you understand why that might be; a values assessment could shine some light on that. Perhaps having a baby is something other people want you to do, rather than your own goal.
A desire to have a child is a very emotive subject for many people, as is the inability to conceive or deliver a healthy baby. Discussing the issues around pregnancy and motherhood can be difficult if your emotions are in contrast, or conflict, to theirs. It can be quite a relief to be able to discuss these issues with someone who does not have a stake in the outcome, i.e. a professional whose priority is helping you get what you need and want. Find a coach with whom you feel rapport and safety so what’s going on inside can be aired and resolved, outside too.
Comments