Getting What I Need in a Different Form than I Expected
Tonight, for the first time in the year since the North London Miscarriage Support Group began, no one came. Except me. I made a commitment that every month, on the 2nd Tuesday, I would be ready and waiting for anyone who needed support. It usually runs from 8:00 p.m. to 9:30 p.m., so I told everyone that I would always wait 1 hour and then I would leave. So, I did. I expected to be there until 9:30, so it wasn't a loss. The best bit, of course, is that no one particularly needed my services, and that's a good thing, isn't it? Apparently, no one was in a bad state, feeling they couldn't go another hour without that meeting.
One of the nurses at the nurse's station near our lounge asked why I was staying. I told her that I didn't want to leave in case someone was coming late. Even the fire bell going off in the hallway didn't put me off, once I had determined that there was no fire, of course. Another one asked if I was upset about it. I said no, and I meant it. Sometimes things are so simple that we look right past them.
I had an extremely stressful day today. I was truly the proverbial passenger on the emotional rollercoaster; partially because I am really tired, but pushing myself to do more. The other part is about overthinking. The perfectionist angel came out to play on one shoulder. The fairy from the Land of Great Expectations flitted above the other shoulder. When it all caught up with me, I hit that state of imbalance and shed tears. Real ones. Someone greeted me with a "hi, how are you?" and suddenly, I couldn't hold back the tears. In Public! No matter how nicely you do your makeup, tears, which are basically salty water, can ruin it in 10 seconds flat.
Maybe, when you ask the Universe for help, it sometimes comes in a different form than you pictured it. I needed to unwind; chill out. My self-imposed solitary wait at the hospital gave me just that. No one needed me, at least in that hour. My kids were in bed. My husband was watching Star Trek. Hopefully, the women who have come to the support group in the past, are dealing with their loss in a positive way.
I know that my hour was not wasted. It let me look back at the day with a little perspective. None of what I am worrying about is life or death. It's just the detail work at the surface. I will sleep better tonight, having sorted that out, at least.
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