Hanging out the dirty laundry

I've had 2 friends tell me this week that Americans are so much more open and willing than the British to confront personal adversity, both in conversation and in personal exploration. One of them made "open and willing to explore and talk about their feelings" sound like a negative trait. He likes making deadpan, inflammatory generalizations about Americans, so I knew not to rise to the bait. In fact, I only remembered it when my second friend was thinking out loud about how I can make my services accessible to a bigger proportion of the IF community in England. 

This second friend, also British, was using a much more even-handed approach. She was musing about the generations of English folk who embedded a behavioural code; keep your personal life private.  There was an old-fashioned saying used in both countries: "Don't hang your dirty laundry out to dry." It was meant to avoid criticism or public shame. With the enormous popularity of reality TV shows in the U.K., you might think that the saying is obsolete; On Big Brother and I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here, the dirty laundry is the least of it. I think that the British public has two sets of rules:

1. They hide their own (and their family's) bad news to maintain their privacy and position of respect, however;
2. They like the titillation of watching someone else's fall from grace, especially if it's about someone who thought they had it made (career, money, fame, talent or beauty).

Americans, on the other hand, believe that if you need help with something, you may as well use what you have got, whether that means knowledge, connections, media attention, telling Oprah or putting it on a billboard.

As an American, by birth and upbringing, and a British resident for 15 years, I can say that there are myths and misconceptions on both sides. Let me dispel some of them.

1. Not every American has "a shrink," life coach and personal trainer, without whom they could not function. That is a British myth, and frankly, more British could use them than do.
2. IVF isn't a trend (like Botox or colonic irrigation) in either country.
3. Not every American will blab in public about their most private issues, contrary to what Brits see on the Ricki Lake, Maury Povitch or Jerry Springer shows. In my opinion, those shows exist only to give their guests 2 minutes of fame and make most other people grateful that it isn't them doing the accusing, shocking, arguing or brawling.
4. Class is still an element of British life. Initially, people use accent to guess each other's socio-economic backgrounds. Second, there will be questions about where you are educated. Politicians like to be seen as salt-of-the-earth, regular folk to get the popular vote, but when it's a 2-man (or 3) race, and they all have posh origins, they can relax about it because no fingers are being pointed. You only have to watch British TV shows like Jeremy Kyle, Eastenders and Emmerdale to know that there is a working class and then there is low class.
5. There is a generalization that Americans are all optimistic and British are all pessimistic. That's not entirely true; let's settle on 60/40.
6. On the one hand, Brits think that most of the U.S. population is obese. On the other hand, they also blame the U.S., and in particular L.A., for the Size Zero woman. They may be right on both counts, but the British shows like Trinny & Susannah, 10 Years Younger, How to Look Good Naked, Super-size v. Super-skinny and  Fat Families-Second Helpings, show that fat and skinny look the same on both sides of the Atlantic Ocean.
7. For all their obsession with "value for money," the Brits prize appearances even more, and would never ask for a "doggie-bag" at a restaurant.
8. Americans need those "doggie bags," not because they are cheap, but as time savers. They lead very busy lives, with all those visits to the shrink, life coach and personal trainer.
9. Just because the U.K. operates a National Health Service does not mean it's a socialist country.
10. The U.S.A. is not, as a whole, racist, homophobic, ethnocentric or untravelled. That's just the middle of the country (kidding, I swear).
11. You can tell alot about a country by its natives' favourite idioms; in America it's "have a nice day" and in England it's "Sorry?"
12. It's quite apparent that Americans of all types believe in purposeful self-improvement. Community adult schools and universities offer classes in everything from small vehicle maintenance to the History of Maoist China.  Elderhostel, which takes seniors on fascinating study tours worldwide, is an aspiration of many still 10 years too young to qualify. British people may be doing the same with the Open University or other adult learning scheme, but you wouldn't know it because, "Shhh!" they don't talk about it.
13. British people think that America does everything in a larger-than-life way, especially when it comes to food, loudness and cosmetic surgery.  They don't look at their own society in the same way, but they should. There are those football yobs, the need for Asbos, high-fat takeaway food, plenty of Botox, boob jobs and lip augmentation.
14. There are more CCTV cameras on UK streets than in any other European nation. We are always being watched. It's meant to reduce traffic violations and anti-social behaviour, which probably includes nose-picking, applying eyeliner and mascara while driving, talking on mobiles while cutting you off, throwing cigarette butts out the window and looking at their GPS instead of the road.In contrast, America really does feel like the Land of the Free.
15. The British visit the US for shopping in NY, seeing Disney in Orlando, foot-long hot dogs and super servings of everything else, including the hotels and casinos of Las Vegas. Americans visit the UK for the accent, London cutting-edge designers, cream tea at the Ritz, exorbitantly priced, gorgeous tins of tea, biscuits and chocolates from Harrods or Fortnum & Mason, and to see the Changing of the Guard. Really, not so different from each other.

So, back to the personal adversity I brought up at the beginning: In my experience, English people keep topics of a medical nature quiet for ages, only revealing details on a need-to-know basis, even among their own family.  Suddenly, they are close to dying and you think, "why didn't anyone tell me?" Americans don't seem to feel the same shame attached to illness or other medical condition. In fact, it seems that the prevailing thought is that the more people who know about it, the more support and referrals to specialists or ground-breaking treatments they will get. In the UK, because you have little control over the type of treatment you will be offered and not needing to find the specialists yourself, there is no obvious advantage to putting the awful news out. 

There are advantages and disadvantages to both concepts of privacy, so whichever works for you is what you should do.  In the little world that I occupy, I have no trouble talking about business being slow, children going through a naughty phase, having had IVF, seeing a coach or counsellor, or answering with something other than "I'm fine." The people I attract either speak with the same attitude, or wish they could. Note that speaking up on my own behalf is not the same thing as coach-client confidentiality, in which I adhere to a Code of Ethics. There, it is the client's privacy that needs protecting, not my own.

Do you have an opinion on this? Please leave a comment.

Comments

[Jenny]

That's so interesting. Being that I live in America, I've never given much thought to how other countries view us. And I'd be that person that would visit England for the accent lol.

[Lisa]

Hi Jenny,
I'll let you in on a secret. Whenever we travel to the States, I always tell my husband and children to speak in their proper British accents, because it makes our American friends and family so happy. You would think they were film stars! Meanwhile, 15 years later, I can't open my mouth without someone asking me if I'm American or Canadian (New Jersey).

[Jamie]

Great, entertaining post, Lisa! Something I do that's probably very "American" is when someone asks me how I'm doing in the standard greeting format, I insist on telling them how I'm REALLY doing. If they didn't want to know, they shouldn't have asked! lol. Seriously, though. I started doing that because I think people far too often don't really think about what others are going through, and tend to gloss over other people's lives and remain egocentric. So that's my little battle. ;-)