He doesn't get it, but that's okay

Tell me, truthfully...do you really want your partner to feel the same way you do about everything? You may think that would make life so much easier.  Haven't we all moaned at one time or another: "Why can't they be more like us?" Sure you have.

If you haven't ever thought about it that way, make a list of all of the important aspects of your life: marriage, parenthood, friendship, health, money, career. in-laws, infertility. Then, make a list of those personal traits in others who figure in your life right now and how each affects you. Relationships. Fairness. The way a boss treats us. The expectations a parent or parent-in-law has of us. The insensitivity of a friend. The rudeness of a doctor. The stonewalling by an insurance company agent.

Q: How does your husband react?

A: "He doesn't get it. He thinks I'm overstating it. He doesn't understand."

Q: How would you like him to react?

A: "He should (flashing red light here) feel the same way I do."

Think about this: You have a problem and you want to talk about it. He thinks "uh-oh, there goes NCIS, or the World Cup."  You try to explain it to your husband and you get a minute or two of focused attention. Sometimes, you get useless advice, like "don't let it get to you"  or "it's going to be fine. Have you ever raged about something to do with job, family commitments, or fertility treatment and been answered with "What do you want to do? Do you want to quit?" Look at your husband as if he's crazy and truly doesn't get it. You will probably be rewarded with an infuriating "What do you want me to say?" 

If you're anything like me, you often wish you had told one of your best girlfriends instead.  Even if she doesn't have any experience of the event that upset you, she will have experience of a supporting role and she will know what is required. So, she listens attentively and doesn't try to kill two birds with one stone by fixing a broken power tool at the same time.  Best girlfriends know when to stay silent and when to speak, what tone of voice to use, when to offer a hug, a drink, a pint of Ben + Jerry's, some scathing words for your nemesis, when to drag you to a soppy movie and when to cry with you. She'll understand that you need to get it out, but that quitting isn't an option.

Ex. you and your husband are having fertility treatment to conceive. He comes home from work, happy to see you. Within minutes you are telling him how much you hate seeing one of the doctors at the clinic, because he's dismissive. It's stressing you out and you are supposed to avoid stress.  You worry that if you complain about the doctor to someone at the clinic it could compromise their commitment to your treatment. Stress, frustration, anger, stress.... 

What is his response? Would it be helpful if both of you occupied that emotional space?  "No, but..." you still want him to mirror your feelings. It won't happen that way. He isn't on mood-altering drugs. He isn't being subjected to daily visits to the clinic, but when he goes with you, he doesn't pick up on the nuances of your welcome by the receptionist, your abandonment in an empty room with nothing more than a hankie to cover your body, the tone of voice the doctor uses and his haste.

Why do we think that our male partners should see or feel things the same way we do?  There's so much contradiction there. We have all heard that "opposites attract." Then, we hear people say that they are "soul-mates." I'm not that cynical a person, but that word always makes me wince. Even when men demonstrate some insight into your feelings with such clarity that you wonder how you could have misjudged him  all this time; the next shock will be how he reacts in the same, old, male way to the next crisis. You will wonder whether you imagined it all.

Think about it; If you and your partner both absorb painful experiences in the same way, you have twice the potential of collapsing under the weight; of falling apart. Misery loves company, but what you really need when you're in a state is someone who can help you see the light when YOU are ready to open the blinds.

My husband and I have remarked over the years how it's good that we are rarely ill at the same time.  Additionally, we hardly ever feel emotionally low (okay, depressed) at the same time.  Maybe it's because we are complete opposites.  Maybe because we are each vulnerable and need someone in the cheering section to bring us back up. When I feel confused, frustrated or angry, it reassures me that my husband seems steady and calm. If I want someone to take over when I am ill or an actual shoulder to cry on, he's there. If I want more intuitive understanding and support, my girlfriends are there.

Take the pressure off your man to empathize completely and see how he practically skips on air with relief. It doesn't mean he's off the hook completely; he has to at least make some effort to understand. However, I think you will find that it can actually feel quite freeing to not feel that dependency on him to confirm that you are right. Just assume you are and go to the best source you know for agreement.

*Wide-ranging generalizations about men's limited capacity for emotional intelligence have been used for the writing of this story. Please don't write to tell me that I hate men (I don't) or that my assumptions are presumptuous. If your man has a generous share of feminine qualities, and agrees with everything you think, feel and say, just count your blessings and let the rest of us whinge.

Comments

[marisa]

Fascinating post!

[Lisa]

Thanks Marisa