Nothing is absolute in the world of Infertility

I was reading an article in the new Fertility Road magazine last night, discussing male infertility, which ended with a quote by psychologist Trudy Hill:

"Remember, much of infertility is not absolute..."

While Hill was referring to how infertile men can restore their sense of control and reduce their stress, her simple description jumped off the page. It was a distillation of everything I had been thinking, but couldn't put in words. It encompasses the constant progress of reproductive medicine, bringing new opportunities to conceive. It also covers the mysterious nature of the human body and its ability to confound even the most brilliant doctors. I think it is also applicable to the question, "who is infertile?"

Every once in a while, I see or hear women debating someone else's fertility status with an "Is she one of us?" edge to it. This usually follows a debate about something an offending party has posted in a blog comment. Very recently, one of these free-for-alls occurred on the Facebook page 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility by Infertile Naomi. I was glued to it, like a fan at Wimbledon watching with fascination as some little-known upstart battles a top-seeded, favoured tennis player.

I've written before about the IF sisterhood; the vast number of infertile women, most of whom have only "met" on the internet, but who know each other in the way they know the hidden parts of themselves. Their best qualities are the support they give each other and the welcome into the fold of newbies who pick up their special language, with nicknames, slang and acronyms. Their least attractive quality is how some of them react when others try to join the group without proving themselves, or who Gd-forbid, say the wrong thing.

RGMN  im really...found out im pregnant seems unreal after how long its taken the reason it happened was bcz i stopped thinkin about it

R M  It's obvious that RGMN is not truly infertile, and therefore cannot truly empathize with the painful journey that we, as women and couples, have had to endure.

M D  RGMN, maybe you should not be posting on infertility pages. Some of us have been trying for years and don't care what you say...

KMS  RGMN did u really say ur pregnant bc u stopped thinking about it. Wow that's the stupidest thing I have ever heard

RGMN thanku for the nasty comments i wasnt being spitefull i was just trying to give a glimmer of hope  id never be intentionally cruel to any1 so i dnt no why any1 wud treat me like this

*These, above, are only a few of the dozens of comments that followed RGMN's taboo statement. For anyone reading this, who doesn't understand this, it's a wrong assumption and condescending to say that infertile women will conceive if they "just relax" or have a vacation. That isn't exactly what RGMN was saying...just that she believed her pregnancy is due to not thinking about trying to conceive.  What shouted off the screen was not that; it was one woman to another, judging who is a True Infertile. 

Trust Kate of Busted Plumbing fame to weigh in with the voice of reason! Part of Kate's post is below.

Busted Kate  "Look, everyone handles these fertility challenges differently. There's really not much value in arguing who is a true Infertile... I took 5 years and many miscarriages to get where I am, but because I'm pregnant does that mean I'm no longer an Infertile?

This is a group I identify with. I'm intentional when I capitalize Infertile. Lowercase "infertile" = someone who has trouble conceiving for longer than a year. Thats the scientific definition.

Infertile, with a capital... there's no definition to that. If you think you belong, you do. If you struggle with your own fertility, you belong. Maybe you're not even trying, but you've had your uterus removed... but you feel like you belong with us Infertiles more than anyone else. I'm pregnant, and I still feel like I belong with the Infertiles. I'm never going to tell anyone they don't belong with me. Because I already feel isolated enough from the Fertile's world.
We need to stick together, defend one another, protect one another. Because no one understand our experience like each other.
All of us want the same thing, for ourselves and for each other. A child. And I love that people still wish that for each other, even at times of disagreement. Some might get there sooner rather than later, some might get there through adoption or surrogacy. But, in a very basic way, we're all in the same boat.The same hormonal, emotional, fertility medicated boat. God help us all. :-)"

Please note Kate's distinction between "Lowercase "infertile" = someone who has trouble conceiving for longer than a year, and Infertile, with a capital. It takes me back to that Trudy Hill quote ; "much of infertility is not absolute."   

I completely agree with Kate's statement; "If you think you belong, you do ." It is my experience that in order to attract the right kind of resources and support, you may have to identify with, and be recognized as part of, a group of people who have already figured out how to get that support. Whether in pain or jubilation, it's so much more comforting to be a part of a "we" than an "I." 

Everyone has a right to their opinion, and can use the internet (Blogs, Facebook, Twitter, etc. ) to state it. But, everyone will have a different opinion about that too; who gets to comment and how loud their comments can be before it turns into cyber-bullying.  By turning on someone who has said something you don't like and fanning the flames of an Us v. You exchange, you are effectively cutting that person off from support she may need from the blogging world. She is unlikely to visit that blog or comment again.

The commonalities between all of the people discussed here, including me, are:

1. they are all Infertile;
2. they are all on the internet;
3. they all want, or wanted, to have children; and
4. they are all looking to give or get information and support.

I am uncomfortable with the idea of closing ranks; being exclusive. I definitely don't like the thought of someone else deciding for me (without my vote) who is in or out. To my mind, there are no absolutes. Someone who identified as Infertile, with no hope of pregnancy, might one day benefit from the continuous progress of medicine science. It doesn’t mean they were never infertile.

Let's be more inclusive and less judgmental, less aggressive and more generous.  We can impart wisdom or experience to those who, like us, are unfortunately affected by infertility; and they can carry the hopeful message to others: "nothing is absolute."

*By the way, other women in the verbal fistfight above besides Kate commented in more measured and forgiving ways, some putting RGMN's statement into context of her excitement about getting pregnant or just not understanding the significance of her words, and asking us all to support each other.

Comments

[Evie]

Amen, Amen and Amen! I wholeheartedly agree with this post. I am brand new to the blogging scene and it is a way for me to connect with others who have infertility issues...so far what i've seen is more like a caring community and i think that is great and it is what we need.

[Lisa]

Hi Evie,
Most of the time it is an incredibly supportive, caring, funny, friendly, informative place to be linking up with others who share a goal: to build a family of choice. We are all different, with unique experiences, but underneath it all we are people who are struggling with a fundamental aspect of life; conceiving and giving birth to a baby of our own. Under ideal circumstances, we would all have it easy, but it isn't that way for Infertiles, so the flow of mutual respect and generosity of spirit are what we need and thrive on.

I'm glad that your experience with blogging has been a positive one. Thanks for commenting here.
Lisa

[Cheap Jordan 11]

Some may be wicked, and some may be despicable. Only when I put myself in their position did I know they are more miserable than I. So forgive all that you have met, no matter what kind of persons they are.