I expected to be judged, frowned upon for choosing single motherhood

Guest blogger: Emma, 41, single & mum to be. 2 attempts at IVF using donor sperm. Second cycle resulted in a BFP and am now 12 weeks pregnant.  

When I first started thinking of embarking on my path to single motherhood, I thought of every reason ‘not’ to do it rather than the reasons why I should.   I thought about my own relationship with my father which had been supportive & loving, I thought about how my Mother had been adopted & the curiosity I have had with not knowing who my grandparents were & where they came from. I thought about how unfair it would be to bring a child into this world without a father.  I mulled it over & over and in fact decided against it many times, deciding to wait for Mr Right to turn up & hope that we could live a ‘normal’ family life together, whatever that might be! 

As I turned 40, I realised that as there was no sign of Mr Right perhaps I should get on with things myself.  This coincided with several events, a friend of mine was being beaten up by her partner, and another friend’s husband had just left her with 5 month old twins. It made me realise that there was no ‘ideal’ situation. Someone who had ‘had it all’ 3 months ago was now on her own, struggling, furious, hurt and bringing up 2 small children."

I was also talking to a young girl who had been brought up by a man she believed was her father but had found out when he had tragically died that he was not.  I asked her if she thought about her ‘real dad’.  She said no and that she had considered the man who brought her up & loved her to be her ‘real dad’.  It really made me realise that it is the people who love and support you that are your family, not necessarily your genetic partner.  

In making my decision I chatted to friends and family. My Mum didn’t agree, “I wouldn’t do it if it was me”.  I asked her how she would feel now, widowed and with no children.  “Of course, I wouldn’t be without you & your brother.”  I told her that I didn’t want to be childless, and that if I were to have my own child I had to hurry u about it.  At 40 my ovaries were not about to wait for a perfect partner to show up.   I think her reaction was tied up to the fact that she was adopted.  Unfortunately she was never told as a child & it was too late when she had eventually tried to trace her Mother.  She had died some years before and taken the information about my grandfather to the grave. 

I explained that things would be different with my child, that it would never be a secret & that I would always be completely open with my child about their conception. Not only that but I would assist them in finding out about the sperm donor/ genetic father if that was a route they wanted to take.   Mum wasn’t sure but I told her it was something she needed to get her head around as it was going to happen.  I am happy to say my Mum has since been a tower of support and has very involved through out my 2 cycles of IVF.   

My brother, with whom I am very close, was supportive from the start.  He could see where I was coming from and has supported me throughout my IVF process.  He is now thrilled to be a uncle-to-be and signs his emails off as ‘Uncle D’.  

Now when it came to discussing it with my friends, I must admit I  expected someone along the line to put up some resistance, to tell me I was being selfish or to ask me what on earth I thought I was doing.  But no one did.  Everyone told me that I would make a great Mum and they all seemed to understand to my reasoning of why I was doing it, and everyone wished me the very best of luck.  

I had to have counselling as part of my IVF, I expected the counsellor to judge me and thought that I might have to really justify my actions to her.  She was really supportive & again said she understood why I was taking the route I was.   At my first appointment with the midwife, again I expected to be judged, frowned upon, but no, she was, like everyone else had been, incredibly supportive.  

So despite waiting for negative comments, half expecting them from everyone I told, I wasn’t really prepared for my first negative reaction!!   It came from my Aunt.  I had said nothing to her about the IVF, I was just ringing to tell her that I was pregnant. There were no words of congratulations.  “Don’t you think you’re too old? I mean, you’ll be 61 when your child’s 20. It’s going to be very hard work on your own. Have you thought about this?”  

I was more annoyed than upset.  Of course I have thought about it, I have thought about it for years.  Of course I know it will be hard work.  But I know it will be worth it. I will be a Mum. Something I have always wanted.  I’m not too cross at my Aunt, she is not likely to understand.  This is a woman who has had 4 abortions and has no living children of her own. She has obviously never had the desire to be a Mum as I do. She had at least one of those abortions while in a happily married relationship as she didn’t want her lifestyle to change.  I find it very hard to respect her because of her decision and don’t expect her to be able to respect mine.  We are very different.  

So at 12 weeks pregnant I now face the dilemma of whether to tell people how I got pregnant.  I don’t want it to be a big dirty secret and I don’t mind what people say about me but I would hate my child to be bullied about it in later years.   I went to the hairdressers yesterday, as I walked in I could see her eye up my belly.  As I sat down I told her I had some news, that I was pregnant.  “Oh my God, how exciting, I want all the details” she said.  Someone else washed my hair and I sat there thinking, what do I say? Do I tell her the truth? Or do I make up a story? I felt a bit panicked after my Aunt’s response.   As I sat in front of my hairdresser she said “Come on then, all the juicy details.”   So I told her, I told her the truth…because I am not ashamed of what I’ve done. And guess what, she was really understanding, supportive & excited for me!  

It’s made me come to the conclusion it’s not what other people think about you, it’s about how you feel yourself.  No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Comments

[Lisa Marsh]

I'm so glad that Emma agreed to share her thoughts and experiences. I have no doubt that it's her firm belief in her entitlement and her strong desire to be a mother that enabled her to present her plans, and her pregnancy, to the people she writes about here.

I wish, of course, that Emma had not had to expect negative, insensitive and unsupportive reactions about her choice to be a single mother. Gladly, it's been a minority among the responses she has received. It's fantastic that her mother has put aside her initial fears in order to support Emma.

I would also like to say that it's obvious that she covered every angle in thinking out her plan, and also how to deal with expected negativity. You won't win everyone over when you make what is still a controversial life choice like this, however, nothing says everyone has to approve. As Emma said above, " it’s not what other people think about you, it’s about how you feel yourself."

If you have any thoughts on Emma's post or want to ask either of us any questions, please leave a comment. I also encourage you to Tweet this blog post, as Emma's honesty may very well help another woman considering single motherhood, or trying to figure out how to stand up to the negativity she may be receiving.

[Amanda Young]

I think single moms are amazing, and crazy at the same time. I find myself questioning how single moms manage to raise a child when I have a super helpful and supportive husband and just had my second child. Life is crazy with kids and it changes everything -- mostly for the better. I wish you the best of luck and can only recommend that you surround yourself with supportive friends and family because it takes a village to raise a child. Tell those who judge you to kiss off :)
Amanda ICLW #43

[Babymakingfiles]

Thank you for your good luck wishes, i will happily accept them!
Luckily I am surrounded by supportive family & friends but am aware that being a single mother is going to be very hard,at times challenging but very rewarding work!!
Thanks for your comments :)
Emma

[Stepmum]

I'm so happy for you - it's wonderful that instead of prevaricating and then having regrets you chose to move forward and build a family your own way.

Nothing is ideal in life - my partner, who is early 40s with three kids from a previous marriage and a crazy ex-wife, has just agreed that we should try for a baby next year. As he said, it's not a perfect situation but we don't have access to a different scenario - what we have to work with is what we have to work with!

I know you'll make this work. Congratulations again!