IF fatigue; tired to the core of being infertile

If you have been worrying, thinking non-stop or talking endlessly about trying to conceive for a long time, you will almost inevitably reach a point where you are completely sick of it all. Tired to the core. This comes after the frustration and resentment. Those emotions can actually motivate you to take action. Sick and tired of it is more likely to stop you in your tracks and shut you down. The danger of that is that it may steal some essential time from your efforts to conceive if it goes too far.

When you are too tired to engage with others about your infertility, you may find yourself wanting to withdraw. That's not entirely a bad thing. There's no rule that says you have to share it all with others. Blogging is optional. A rest may do you some good.

Try to decide why you want to withdraw and whether it would help or harm you more. Do you feel:

1. tired of putting a brave face on it for everyone around you; people pleasing, so as not to make others unhappy, concerned or uncomfortable;
2. tired of answering people's well-meaning questions about how everything is going;
3. your sadness is so close to the surface that you feel like you may break down in public or with others;
4. you and your partner are confused about what to do next and have reach a stalemate;
5. a lack of hopefulness; or that
6. you are missing the joy and contentment you felt before you began trying to conceive?

Whatever your reason(s), there are two ways you can go.

• Realizing that you are a part of a wider IF community and that others have been or are even simultaneously going through the same IF fatigue, tell it like it is. There is every chance that someone might just have something to say that could help you.  Even better, just by opening up and being honest, you might help someone else be honest about the lows you are feeling. It's called "doing service" in the world of support groups and it works. When you give of yourself to someone else in need, the result is often a step forward in your own healing.
• If you don't have it in you to communicate your IF fatigue outwardly, your method of healing may be to pull back temporarily from the IF community. Taking a break doesn't have to mean 6 months or even 6 weeks. It could be a week away somewhere no one knows that you are infertile, where you introduce yourself as you like and leave out any information you don't want to share. It could be a self-imposed decision not to use the internet for a week, for blogging, tweeting, Googling, etc... How about spending one month revisiting the things you used to do, on your own or with your partner, before you began investigating your infertility? Go dancing if you have the energy, or go to a buzz-y restaurant or club (karaoke?) where you can sit and people-watch until you are motivated to get up and join them. Instead of watching your weight for conception, pick an outfit you want to wear out for motivation. The point is, mentally de-cluttering to re-find yourself is okay. Re-capturing a sense of your life beyond infertility is important.

The Pros and Cons:

• Truthfully, there are more Pros than Cons to connecting with other people in a healthy and helpful way. Support is essential to a long-term, stressful situation like infertility. So, if you feel able to share your misery, there are just a few caveats to keep in mind.  Pick your confidantes carefully, so that you will not feel judged when you express your true feelings. These are people who can listen, really hear you, refrain from giving lots of advice and not hold it over your head when you bounce back and want to give TTC another go. Don't alienate your true supporters by dumping too much negativity, for too long, on them. Be willing to try a smile here and there, listen to them and responding to offers of help. Don't go overboard, or OTT as they say in the UK.  Get what you need from others, but scale back the degree to which you consult everyone around you. What matters is how you feel, not how anyone thinks you should feel.
• The Pros of Mental R&R are about cutting out the extraneous matter to get to what really matters. If you start thinking about your struggle to conceive, chase the thoughts away by doing something else. You can actually relax your mind by keeping it occupied with something that is not worrisome; some people find activities like cleaning therapeutic while others are happier to immerse themselves creatively in cooking, painting or playing music. After a little while (how long depends upon you), you will find yourself in a better frame of mind to decide how you are going to proceed. The Cons come if you withdraw too far, from too many people or achieve a state of denial about what you need to go back and resolve. Mark a date in your calendar for a talk with someone about how you are feeling: your partner, a friend, a counsellor, coach or your doctor. The deadline can always be extended, however, just seeing it in the calendar will enforce some attention being paid to the topic.

Rest. It's a good thing.

 

Comments

[Deanna Zachrich]

No matter what is overtaking your life with stress, sometimes it's good to withdraw from it and try to forget about it. Every one needs a mental break sometimes. Thanks for the advice.

[Haidee]

Thanks for visiting my blog. I think I am on the verge of Infertility Fatigue (in fact I might even blog about it!) This upcoming cycle is what is keeping me going at the moment but truthfully I am sick of the whole thing - the pain, the brave face, the perseverance and trying to be positive, the jealousy and everything else that goes with it. I'll perk up again though, I always do! But boy, does it get exhausting at times! 3 years and not ONE pregnancy, not even close.

ICLW#10

[Marion]

Thanks for this post! I really needed it. I'm sure I have infertility fatigue... At this stage I feel hopeless - We cannot go for any futher treatments as we cannot afford it, and after 11 years there is not much hope for a miracle anymore...

I think I need to take a break as I have done the support thing, but without hope it just saddens me more... I think I should also take up some of my hobbies again to take my mind off things and we will be going away for a few days...

ICLW visitor # 105