How and when do you begin again after pregnancy loss or failed fertility treatment?

Are we going to try again?

After the disappointment of a failed IVF cycle, or the shock and grief of a miscarriage, the inevitable question hanging in the air is "are we going to try again?" It may be a given that you still want a baby, however the criteria for whether you are going to try to conceive and carry a pregnancy will have been affected by the recent lack of success with IVF, or the terrible end of your pregnancy. Whether you are on your own, or with a partner, the criteria you use to make your decisions may have changed and need to be looked at again. You must consider your current health, age, fitness, need for medical intervention, financial position, other commitments and your doctor’s advice. Assuming that you have decided that you do want to try to conceive again, naturally or with assisted reproduction techniques, the next set of decisions will be about when you begin trying.

Your timing

“When can I try again?” is one of the first questions that will come up in a woman’s mind once she has determined to pursue another pregnancy. Opinion, even among medical professionals, varies. Some doctors will say that, all being well, 3 months is a good amount of time to wait after a miscarriage. Others will suggest that an otherwise healthy patient wait until after she has had one menstrual period before trying to conceive.

Healing needs to be deep and complete

Miscarriage and fertility treatment are both hard on the body and can cause you to feel physically depleted.  This is exacerbated by the emotional toll that they take. It isn’t unusual for a woman to feel that she wants to, or has to, jump right back in and try again and simultaneously think that going through this process again is the last thing in the world she wants to do at that moment. Have you ever felt torn in that way? The reason for this dichotomy can be that you have not recovered fully and need to build up your strength and stamina. It may be worth asking your GP for a once-over health check, paying attention to your appetite, sleep, energy levels and hormone levels.

When I say that healing needs to be deep and complete, I do not mean that you should feel completely "over it." Grief and sadness are healed through the re-discovery of your own purpose, other blessings in your life and the perspective of time. The completeness I refer to is more about having thoroughly examined your feelings, your intentions and your values and decided that a pregnancy is still what you want to pursue. There are other options; alternative paths to parenting. Examine them, if only to rule them out, and then proceed with your next attempt to conceive.

Your emotional wellbeing

It could also be that you are putting on a front, trying to fool yourself and others about how you are really coping. What you say and what you truly feel must be congruent, or the result could be additional stress, sleepless nights and high emotion.  There may be no doubt that you want a baby, but being pregnant may be another matter entirely. Do you feel resilient; as if you have been able to pick yourself up, put your disappointment aside and look forward to the future? Or, do you feel fearful or hopeless? Your thoughts will affect your behaviour and very possibly, your outcome. 

If you are trying to conceive, while simultaneously thinking that it will never happen, or that it will end disastrously, you are draining your positive energy away from your goal. You are literally telling your body, that it will not function the way it is meant to do and reinforcing that message every time you let your mind obsess in this manner. Ovulation does not occur in a vacuum; it is dependent upon signals from your brain to your ovaries. Additionally, the stress caused by negativity has been known to interrupt reproductive function, which may affect your periods, ovulation, fertilisation and/or implantation of the embryo.

Your negative thoughts, sadness, anger and stress are all understandable responses to either a miscarriage or the disappointment of a failed IVF cycle. How quickly you move through various feelings or thought processes to a state of readiness is unique to your circumstances and how you respond. You may feel conflicting emotions and be confused as to whether you are ready to try to conceive again. If so, you are a prime candidate for fertility coaching. A fertility coach can help you isolate your feelings about your miscarriage or IVF experience. This can help you prevent or reverse the spill-over into your abilities, body, medical treatment, relationship and future.

Are you both ready?

It isn’t unusual for two people in a relationship to have different ideas about whether they are ready to try to conceive again. On the one hand, the woman may (erroneously) believe that the previous attempt is her fault and feel the need to make up for it or prove herself. She may be itching to try immediately, in contrast to her partner’s more measured approach. Even if this self-blame is not present, she may feel there isn’t any time to waste. Only she can truly know how strong and physically healthy she feels, so her partner is reliant upon the information she provides.  A partner may be concerned about her health and want to ensure the safety of a subsequent attempt to conceive.  On the other hand, I have had female clients whose partners want to sweep it all under the rug and move forward as if nothing has happened. She may be unready; lacking in self-confidence and feeling unsupported.

Support when you need it

If you think your partner doesn't feel a part of things anymore because of all the attention you have needed, bring him back in.  A joint visit to your GP or gynaecologist could help clear up some confusing medical or health issues, inform you as to the possibilities still available to you or give you the green light after test results have been received. Make sure your partner knows that this is about both of you, and that you won't go ahead until you are both comfortable. If you are ready and he is hesitant, take positive steps to find out why and reassure him.

The best advice I can give any couple in this situation is to talk. Be open about how you feel, what the loss meant and how you want to proceed now. If either of you are unable to communicate effectively without someone teasing the words out of you, get someone to act as a facilitator. A good fertility coach will help the two of you say what you really think and feel; not imposing her own ideas or taking sides.

Comments

[Kerry]

This is so true! Thanks for stopping by my blog. :)

[Sarah]

Great post!! Thanks for sharing!!

[Terry Elisabeth]

I loved your post! Healing deeply is so important for every painful major event.
Happy ICLW #106

[Suzy]

This is somthing we are dealing with at the moment. Thank you for sharing.

[2ctt]

Thanks for stopping by my blog, I am feeling a little better.

I have been pondering for a while revealing our fertility troubles with our extended families and whether it would make me feel better. Answering the are we going to have babies question with "maybes" and "God willings" is wearing thin. Still not sure.

[Sarah]

Thanks for stopping by my blog!

This is a great post. I am lucky to not have had a loss or a failed IVF, but with our failed IUI's I know I was nearly obsessed with the next month. I think I would have been the same with the IVF if it hadn't worked.

[Kristin]

Really great, thoughtful post.

~ICLW #18

[April]

Great post! Thanks for sharing it!

ICLW

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[Natural Fertility]

I like the helpful information you provide in your articles. I will bookmark your blog and check again here regularly. Pregnancy will have been affected by the recent lack of success with IVF, or the terrible end of your pregnancy. Miscarriage and fertility treatment are both hard on the body and can cause you to feel physically depleted. This is exacerbated by the emotional toll that they take. I am quite sure I will learn plenty of new stuff right here! Best of luck for the next! Thanks for sharing…….

[Lisa]

Hi Natural Fertility,

Thanks for such a lovely comment. I'm glad you like Your Great Life and hope you will continue to find helpful information here. Lisa