Today on Twitter, a guy I follow, Bruce Sallan, tweeted "Have YOU ever judged a fat person? I used to!" He gave a link to a blog post, Fat and Empathetic, that told of his change of perspective after a recent weight gain of his own. Apparently, Bruce's doctor attributes his weight gain to an accident which may have re-set his set-point; the weight at which his body is most comfortable and to which it will always try to return. The gist of it was that he had previously judged fat people when he was thin, but now that he is one (his opinion, not mine) and sees how difficult it is to lose weight, he no longer judges.
I love the enlightenment that Bruce shows in his blog post. After all, who among us hasn't watched a fat person eating a huge dessert or a fist full of golden, greasy chips and thought "Don't they know how they look?" Either that, or looked away from a fat person as if the sight of them offended you? Being judgemental is part of the human condition and few of us are perfect enough to say we never do it. From the other side, what weight-challenged person hasn't wished their struggle on a complacent and even self-righteous, thin person? "If you only knew how hard it is to lose the weight! You try it." I admit that I have actually sat in both camps; smug when thin, defensive when overweight.
Why do people gain weight and become fat? It's true that it happens the same way for everyone; through the intake of more calories, from food and drink, than the number of calories burned off through cardio-vascular activity. However, it's often unconscious, or even attributed to an external cause. Some people will find that they can no longer consume the number of calories they could formerly, because their metabolism has been affected by age, inactivity, hormone levels, prescription drugs or some other cause, like Bruce's accident.
Finding out why people overeat is more complicated. This is where the judging comes in. You see a red-faced, fat person in an oversized t-shirt, eating an ice cream at the park. Do you wonder why? You can't know whether he binges regularly, is temporarily drowning himself in food because he's been dumped by his girlfriend or is on some medication that caused him to blow up. Does it even matter to you? Probably not. But your impression of that person remains with you...you have written him off as, if nothing else, a glutton or a slob. In my experience, few people are fat just because they like food. I believe that low self-esteem and stress are two of the biggest reasons that people overeat.
I replied to Bruce Sallan's blog post, because I think it's great that he has committed to doing something about his excess weight and developed a new understanding about how it feels to be that person with the excess weight. I'd like to tell every person who has even just one stone/14 pounds of beer belly, muffin top or back-boobs (the flab that spills over the top of your bra in back) that there are people out there judging you who know nothing about you or why you may have gained the weight. The myths around (dare I say it?) obesity are that overweight people don't know anything about nutrition, have no discipline and/or have no pride in their appearance. But, you won't be given the chance to explain why that isn't you.
There are millions of people out there who may have a legitimate reason for their temporary weight gain, who just need a good reason, a healthy method for taking it off again and some support. There are millions who know how to eat right, but just give in to age and changing metabolism and allow themselves to gain a few pounds a year, unnoticed until it resembles a tire around their waists. There are those who don't know enough about healthy eating or fitness and who eat empty calories, drink high calorie alcoholic drinks and just buy a bigger size of sweatpants every few months. There are those who, despite everything they know they should do, are emotionally addicted to eating as the answer to a completely separate problem.
I get it. I know this scenario from both sides, having been overweight on and off for years. I am one of those people who lose and gain weight on a cyclical basis. I have no lack of discipline when I am in tunnel-vision weight loss mode, but I can let weight gain get on top of me, grab hold and refuse to depart. Years of Weight Watchers membership, plus a lot of reading, have given me a good handle on the 5-a-day, food pyramid, portion control, etc. I have a few different sizes of clothing in my closet. Don't think I am blind to it.
You can be in denial for a little while, but something will put it in your face eventually: huffing and puffing up the stairs, not wanting to put on a bathing suit, needing to go up a size in your clothing or having the doctor tell you that you are at risk of a heart attack. If this is you, look in the mirror, the closet and the fridge and make one change. You aren't a bad or disgusting person. You are an imperfect human being, just like the rest of us, but food is your weakness, or your poison, however you choose to look at it. Whatever your reasons for overeating, whether stress, injury, a lack of exercise, bad habits, comfort eating, trigger foods, addictive behaviour, remember that no problem will be solved by putting the food in your mouth. You will still have that problem as well as the added weight from that eating session.
I am on a moderate, mentored weight loss and fitness program right now. It's easy some days and a struggle on other days. The food doesn't get in my mouth by accident or by being force fed; I put it there and need to take responsibility for that. I need to embrace the walking I have committed to do every day. If you are the person who passes me in your car in the morning, you may see an overweight woman out for a walk, but I am visualizing myself as an athlete moving at speed. You may think I feel self-conscious, but I am lost in some high-gear music. You may wonder how long I will keep it up, but I am repeating affirmations to myself, like "I am living a long, healthy life."
So, what do overweight people need the most? They need respect for the person they are underneath their skin and flesh. They need understanding, like the vibe Bruce and I try to pass along, that says we know how hard it is to lose that excess weight. They need reassurance from those close to them that they are worthy of love no matter what their size. However, if the choose to lose the weight, they need support for their efforts to "downsize." It's their right to remain overweight, but it's not a positive choice. Fat can be an inconvenience, it can cause added expense and, inevitably, at some point it will turn into a health issue.
There's a double-edged sword here: overweight people don't want negative attention or abuse, but they also don't want to be looked through as if they are invisible and worthless. They want their intelligence, kindness, good humour, sexiness, talent and contributions to be regarded separately from their weight. They want their weight not to matter to you as much as it does to them. What a twist it would be for them to look up and see a smile instead of a sneer. What they need and deserve most are your empathy, compassion and acceptance.
Comments