"My cousin's infertile... can you help her?"

Today, after a meeting, I was approached by a woman who wanted to tell me about relatives of hers who have had extreme problems with infertility and are childless. She was concerned about the couple, both for their individual happiness and for the future of their marriage. I listened to her story and then asked how I could help. The answer: "I don't know."

This wasn't the first time I have been in this situation and I know it won't be the last.  For people like my acquaintance, it's a relief to be able to unburden their worries about loved ones to someone who understands.  They feel helpless, unable to offer help directly to people who choose not to share the details of their infertility and the depth of their pain.  In my early coaching days, I thought a referral would follow, so I kept mental notes of the confidante and her story. I no longer have this expectation, because I know that the inquiry was as much about the enquirer's need for release, information and reassurance, as it was about the subject of our conversation. It makes them feel that they are doing something positive by checking with me and being reassured that there is help available if their family or friends were to seek it. Being there for them in those few moments is simply part of what I do.

It got me thinking, though, about those people who are worried about an aspect of someone else's infertility, and don't have the ability to tap me on the shoulder or motion me aside for a quick chat. Whether they are the want-to-be grandparent, the sister-in-law, cousin or friend, it can be a difficult position to be in. So, I've amswered some of the most frequently asked questions I get from them, below:

FAQ:  My relative has been married for several years and not had any children yet. I know they would want children, so I think one of them must be infertile. I feel really bad about inviting them to family get-togethers, knowing that it must be hard for them. What should I do?

Answer: Never assume the reason why someone is childless.  They may have decided to wait a while, or they could be having problems conceiving. If they haven't shared their reasons with you, it's because they want privacy.  Absolutely do not stop inviting them to be a part of family gatherings for a reason you have only guessed at. Even if they find these events difficult, it should be their decision to attend or not.

FAQ:  The rest of the family is speculating about my relative's supposed infertility. I'm afraid to ask questions, but I also don't want them to think that I am part of the gossip.  Is it better to be up front and tell them I'm concerned?

Answer:  Only you can know how thin-skinned your relatives are. However, the other side of the equation is how congruent you want to be. Is it important that you let them know that you are worried about them and that you want to be supportive? If you are just curious, can you justify possibly embarrassing the couple by asking about their fertility?  Balance your desires against their right to privacy, keeping in mind the strength of your relationship and whether it will withstand this conversation.

FAQ:  I can see that this couple is suffering, but I don't know how to handle it. What can I say?

Answer: If you feel strongly about reaching out, then I would suggest that you try to be as empathetic as possible; stand as if in their shoes and think about how you would feel if the highly sensitive topic of your infertility was raised.  What would make it okay for you...sincerity, warmth, a promise of confidentiality, an offer of support?

FAQ:  Can you help them get pregnant?

Answer: I can help them focus on what they want, align their process of trying to conceive with their value system, commit to doing everything they need to do to enhance their fertility health, reduce their stress and restore their confidence and hope.  In other words, everything we do together would be directed at helping them create their family. I believe most people in this situation would have a better chance of conceiving with specialized fertility support than without it.

FAQ:  I think my daughter-in-law needs some professional help coping with the stress of trying to conceive, but I don't dare suggest it. How do I let her know that help is available to her?

Answer:  Tread very carefully here. The difficulty is that a highly stressed, sensitive person could take great offence at the suggestion that they needed professional help, even if it's true. I suggest that you wait for an opening, i.e. a conversation about anything she and your son want to achieve.  You could mention having read an article about coaching and thinking how everyone could use that kind of support at one point or another in their lives. That plants the seed without you having to do any digging. Then just sit back and let the idea take hold.

FAQ:  I would like to refer my relative to you for fertility coaching, but I would be more comfortable if you contacted them directly. Is it okay for me to give you their details?

Answer:  I don't work that way.  It's important that the client have the opportunity to take the forward action themselves. They have to own the decision to go into coaching in order to commit to the process and believe that the desired result can be theirs. So, I ask that prospective clients contact me at first. I will offer them a consultation and then leave it to them to decide whether to be coached.

FAQ:  Can I give coaching as a gift to my children?

Answer: It's a generous gift and one which could be welcomed by your children if they want coaching but think they can't afford it.  You can arrange payment details directly with them and let me know how it is to be set up. However, you must know that the client is the person I see in sessions and our work is confidential.  I will not be able to discuss the progress of their coaching with you, regardless of who pays the session fees.

Comments

[LisaB]

That was very well-put! I wish everyone could have those words laid out for them. Happy ICLW! Thanks for stopping by my blog!!

[Randi]

Thanks for the sweet comment on my blog (ICLW - 58) :) What an interesting blog - I don't think I've heard of a fertility coach before! Is this perhaps some kind of UK thing? I'm a sexuality educator and sometimes people in my field do consulting and education counseling for people - is this similar?

[Lisa Marsh]

Hi Randi,
I began as a personal life coach, working with many different issues. At the same time, I was trained in miscarriage support and founded the North London Miscarriage Support Group. I found my greatest reward from helping people who are trying to conceive and women whose self-image and enjoyment of their lives are affected by fertility issues, so that is why I specialized. Lisa