Yesterday, my daughter asked "What if I do all this extra work to do well on the secondary school entrance exams and I still don't get into one of the schools I most want to go to? Now, we know very well that this answer will never satisfy a child, nevertheless, most of us with a few decades of adult life behind them would tell her that she will still have the knowledge she's acquired, she'll have the satisfaction of knowing that she tried her best and that she has to be positive! I did. She rolled her eyes, heaved a big sigh and high-tailed it to her bedroom. I'm not all that surprised. I certainly didn't mean to condescend; I was sincere and actually, there was little else I could say. But that doesn't mean that the answer feels acceptable to the recipient.
The same goes for a conversation along the same lines with a person who is trying to conceive and not getting anywhere fast. Once they have suspected that there may be a problem, all sorts of homework is done. There is so much to learn about our bodies, our reproductive system, medical treatment, health and complementary therapies that infertile people are practically embarking on a fairly intense home-study program. In books, on the internet, in monthly magazines, newspaper supplements, leaflets at the doctor's office, conversations in support groups, on blogs and on TV, there is an enormous amount of information.
Everyone tells you what to do: read everything in sight on infertility, find the best doctor, review the food you eat and make healthy choices, keep your weight up or down, take supplements, abstain from alcohol, de-stress with yoga, balance your system through acupuncture or reflexology, don't smoke, don't sit anywhere near a smoker, cut out any food that could give you a bacterial infection, such as listeria, get enough sleep...try Traditional Chinese Medicine on its own, chart your temperature, and on and on. You may think at first that you will be willing to do any of these things if it will bring you the pregnancy you want so much. However, after many months and no rewarding result, all of the effort you are putting out to be "good" can be really tiring and frustrating. At some point, you too may ask:
"What if I do all this extra work and I still don't get pregnant?" Will it help for someone to say "You'll still be healthier and more knowledgeable, you'll have the satisfaction of knowing that you tried your best and you have to be positive?" It may be true, but that's not what you want to hear. Unfortunately, the answer remains the same, and just as I told my daughter, life isn't always fair. So, in those despairing moments when you begin to think that the efforts have been wasted, think of these points:
- Learning is never a wasted effort;
- Neither is becoming healthier;
- You are investing in yourself. If you really go for it, you will feel you truly own it in a way that you can't if you are only half-hearted in your efforts;
- Even if you don't conceive, you will be stronger and more able to take on the next challenge, which may be to investigate another route to parenthood;
- You are in charge of all that is within you to change: attitude, behaviour, focus, commitment, discipline, etc. Taking that control will have a enormously positive, knock-on effect on the rest of your life;
- You are never 100% in control of your body and it's responses, regardless of how much you have changed, therefore you are not to blame when it responds differently than you would have liked. No fault, no blame, no failure;
- As much as we all wish you didn't have to go through any of this at all, the fact is that you are. It's up to you if you are going to let it beat you, or if you come out of the challenge with a greater sense of purpose, more resilience and a better understanding of yourself and your capabilities;
- If you don't give it your very best shot, you will never know if you could have achieved what you want. That's where doubt and regret set in; and finally,
- Anything worth having, is worth working for.
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