Tips for managing those holiday celebrations: How NOT to be a party animal or a sitting duck

The other day, I wrote about playing my "if I won the lottery" game to help you decide what you really want to do during the festive season. While many would choose the escape-for-two, I am guessing that some of you couldn't figure out how to extricate yourself from the usual celebrations and perhaps a few of you really didn't want to be left out. Our job then, is to make sure you get through this month with your sanity, your dignity and your relationships intact.

Here are my tips for managing holiday events if you're sticking close to home:

The invitations - If you are trying to conceive, and being careful about pretty much everything you eat, drink, inhale and talk about, probably the last thing you want to be around is other people overindulging. So choose wisely. Keep reminding yourself that you have choices. If you dread an event to the extent that the anticipation is making you ill, even if it's your parents' Christmas dinner, opt out. It's not worth being a dutiful daughter at the expense of your health. If it's not all that bad and you do choose to go, you can still control how you participate and how long you stay.

• The Family Do - Arrive at your parents' or sibling's home just a few minutes before the planned sit-down meal. Keep busy in the intervening time with kisses, hugs and a flurry of gift-giving. Eat well and with many compliments to the various cooks, with lots of smiles, and help to clear the table. Straight after, make an excuse about why you have to leave AND GO. Giving your excuse too much in advance gives people time to argue with it and probe your reasons.
• The In-Laws' Family Do - Exclaim with joy about their wonderful son, your partner, who is so romantic, so generous, so thoughtful and considerate to   plan an intimate and special Christmas just for two! You'll be by early on to exchange gifts  (before any alcohol is passed), then whisked back to your cosy place, or a boutique hotel, for the meal. They can't criticize their amazing boy, can they?
• The Office Party - Unless this takes place during working hours, just beg off sick at the last minute. Office Christmas parties are renowned for being strewn with awkward encounters with people you wouldn't choose to socialize with out of work and faux pas you don't want to face up to the following week (not necessarily your own). Give it a miss. More people will be gossiping about who did attend than worrying about who didn't.
• The Cocktail Party - Whether it's old friends or the neighbors, it's no fun when you are the only one not drinking. That, and the loose talk that comes with alcohol, should keep you well away. If you don't want to say that you are trying to conceive, and you also don't want to seem standoff-ish, try saying you have dinner reservations but you will stop off on the way for a quick drink, then make sure it's sparkling water. Leave at the time you planned, with a big smile and lots of cheer. Either that, or agree in advance to watch each other's backs all night long, rescue each other from unwanted conversations and keep filling your glass with the non-alcoholic stuff so you are never put in an awkward situation of having to explain.
• New Year's Eve - It used to be so much fun, but so is a rom-com on DVD, the  living room illuminated with candles and sparkly bits, followed by a gorgeous midnight breakfast a deux. No one has to be the designated driver and there will be no hangover the next day.

It's our turn to have everyone to us for Christmas! - Actually, that can be a good thing.  Just take protective measures. One way to maintain some control of what goes on around you, of course, is to be the host(ess). Invite who you want to see and manage their expectations, and hopefully, their behaviour, by the type of invitations you issue.

Ideas and protective measures:

• Making a change to Boxing Day, so it's more active and less sofa-bound, could be a great diversion from your TTC status. Ask everyone to meet you  mid-afternoon at a local ice-skating rink, then invite them back for hot chocolate and cookies. Don't offer dinner, and eventually they will go home to eat Christmas leftovers.
• Instead of having a New Year's Eve party, invite people to a New Year's Day brunch instead. Serve breakfast-y food with pre-made Mimosas and plain juice in champagne glasses and coffee to people who overindulged the night before. Don't worry if your friends are beer drinkers or like something harder. You are in charge in your home. They can do as they please when they get home to their well-stocked liquor cabinet.
• If you are having a sit-down meal, put place cards at the table, ensuring that you don't have to sit at the same end as the tactless Aunt who always asks when you are going to have children, the sister-in-law who has just announced she's pregnant or or the cousin who gushes about her darling princess. Not that you have anything against them; it can just be hard to be around when you are lacking those very things.
• Your secret weapon could be someone in whom you confide beforehand, who agrees to step in and divert conversation whenever there is even a whiff of trouble. 

You decide what to discuss and what to keep private - Whether you are out at someone else's party or hosting your own, it's your decision how much to reveal about your plans, your challenges and your disappointments.  So, it's well worth deciding beforehand what you will say and agreeing it with your partner. There is little else more uncomfortable than being backed into a corner and lost for words.

I call this the surprise attack, even though it may be unintentionally hurtful. Some people may sincerely want to show they care, are thinking of you and want to help. While you may want to shout "it's none of your _________ business!" or cry, those are the two acts that will bring you the most unwanted attention. Write down some of your most feared questions and comments, then come up with answers that are acceptable to you and will firmly discourage further discussion. This second part could take some time, but it's worthwhile to be ready and equipped to deal with the situation.

Be prepared with a few remarks like these:

• "You'll be one of the first to know when there's something to tell," or "We have agreed to keep it quiet for the moment." Neither of these statements gives anything away at all, yet, they aren't offensive. 
• If you do decide to give out some information, you can limit further conversation by saying "I'm superstitious, so I don't want to jinx anything by talking about it. I'm sure you understand."
• If you run into someone at a party who saw you at the gynaecologist's office or fertility clinic, quietly say "I know I can trust you to keep what you know confidential."
• If someone doesn't get the point behind your words or behaviour and pushes a little too hard, try saying "I would really like to have a good time here tonight, but that depends upon not having to think or talk about certain things. I'd be so grateful for a little distraction. What have you been up to lately?"

Whatever you do, don't martyr yourself to the holidays. They are there to be enjoyed. If all you can anticipate is pain,  short-term coaching is the ideal tool for resolving that anxiety and easing those relationships. The goal is to find a resolution that allows you to join in and have some fun.

 

Comments

[Sarah]

thanks for sharing these great ideas of how to deal with the holidays!!