If you have experienced a miscarriage and are suffering as a result, what can you do to feel better and move forward? It can seem like the rest of the world is moving along as usual, while you are standing in one place with the burden of your grief weighing you down like so much extra baggage. Everyone else gets up and goes off to work, or makes plans to do something nice, but nothing has much meaning compared to the pain you are feeling. Unfortunately, it’s true; the world does not stop for us when we experience a loss like this. We can’t afford to stay in bed with the duvet pulled up over our heads.
I have heard some women say they think they should be able to handle this on their own, as if they have to bite their lip and soldier on. My question is why? Why should anyone have to handle the pain of losing their baby on their own? If you had a death in your family, you would not expect to have to recover from your grief without any expressions of sympathy, offers of company or practical help, understanding conversation or counselling. You may experience to feel similar bereavement from a miscarriage and need a similar level of care.
Every woman will have her own unique context in which a miscarriage occurs and unique circumstances of that miscarriage. Each woman will react differently, depending upon factors such as whether it was a first pregnancy, one of a series of recurrent miscarriages, how far along in the pregnancy she was, her awareness of her own and the foetus’ health issues, and perhaps most of all, her mindset.
I believe that the bereavement of a miscarriage can sometimes be worse than the death of a living person. The loss is usually unexpected, so there is little or no preparation for it. It isn't the natural end for someone who has actually lived, it is the end of a hoped-for life that fed into your own vision of your role and purpose in life. It also involves the physical sensation of loss, the trauma of the circumstances, a sensation of emptiness and the hormonal changes that signal the end of the pregnancy. There is also guilt that some women feel about having been responsible for nurturing that baby's life.
Hopefully, every woman has someone, even if it’s just one person, to whom she can turn. If you do not have one person in your life to whom you can turn, there are people in the community who are willing and able to provide that support, such as the miscarriage support group that I lead in North London, or the helpline manned by volunteers for the Miscarriage Association. There may be similar resources, often run by non-profit groups or charities, in other countries.
Don’t waste any energy feeling guilty that you don’t feel that the people who love you can really help you. Their intentions may be true, their desire strong, but they may not fully understand how you feel, or be equipped to help you sort it out. You may require the help of a trained professional. I have heard women say “I shouldn’t need…,” “I feel guilty taking someone’s time, or “I don’t think I should be spending money on myself in this way.” Of course you should. You are worth it. You deserve to feel better.
If you feel awful and can’t see the way forward, you will not only be operating at only partial functionality and short-changing yourself; you will not be able to give your best to the people who rely upon you, whether in your relationship, your job or your friendships. Coaching is generally a short-term process, designed to move you forward as quickly and efficiently as possible. It is very possible that six to eight weeks of coaching for your bereavement could help you cope better emotionally and practically, and you could begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel again.
If you find yourself feeling a lack of hope, energy, motivation, focus or positivity, don’t isolate yourself and try to push through the pain all by yourself. There is nothing to be gained by that; no badges of courage are awarded for being stoic. Repressing your pain will surely result in you having to deal with it at another time in your life. Reach out and ask for help, and keep reaching out until you find the right person to confide in and work through your feelings about your baby loss.
This is a great post. I have sadly lost 2 babies. One as a miscarriage at 8 weeks in 2008, and Finley our son at full term in 2009. I actually found the miscarriage much more difficult to move on from. I felt like I had to carry on. I was told I would have a miscarriage a week before it happened. I went to work. Life carried on as usual. I thought I was over it until my friend had a baby the day mine would have been due. I cried and cried. My friend brought me a ring in memory of my baby. that's all we did.
When we lost Finley it was different. He was a person, had a personality, i knew him, i felt him kick, he responded to my pokes. We spent time with him, held him, dressed him. we named him. All these things allowed me to grieve in a different way, as did some coaching and occupational therapy techiniques I knew from my work. Very quickly I found a sense of peace about what had happened. Having Finley has changed my life.
Posted by: FinleyFootprint | January 08, 2011 at 03:31 PM
It is wonderful that your experience in knowing Finley, for the very brief time you had him, helped you come to terms with losing him. I'm so glad that you have a sense of peace, which shows that you were able to grieve his loss and come out the other side. You will always have your memory of mothering him.
Thank you for commenting on the post. It is really important to me to know that what I write resonates with someone and helps in some small way, if only to confirm that you are in a good place. Lisa
Posted by: Lisa Marsh | January 09, 2011 at 11:59 AM