your great life

This is not one of THOSE New Year's posts

I want to say the first hello of 2012 and thank all of you who kindly visited my blog in 2011 and some who may have contributed a comment. You are greatly appreciated.

You may have noticed that I haven't written much lately. There were times in the past when that would have made me feel guilty, embarrassed or apologetic. These days, it just means I have had other things which required my attention and energy and I'm okay with that.

I find that, periodically, it's necessary to step back and take a look at what I'm doing and whether it's working, make adjustments and move forward again. This autumn, that type of reflection generated a realization that I needed a new creative outlet and different way of working. I gathered up all my dusty art materials and began painting again. I also began to teach art lessons to children. I started in September with 1 student, and now I have 12! I have also delivered my very first commissioned painting to a very happy client, which is something I have always dreamed of doing.

You may wonder why I am telling you this, when Your Great Life is largely about family-building, parenting and fertility. Even a life coach gets stuck sometimes. I have to remind myself to reflect and re-assess the way my life is going and take steps to improve it. Sometimes the impetus is necessity or opportunity, and other times it is another person whose objectivity reveals something I haven't recognized myself. In my case, it was all three. While moving my desk, bookshelves and various boxes into my new office, I came across my paintbrushes and various pads and canvasses. When my own children started asking when we could paint again, my initial reaction was that we didn't have the room and I didn't want the mess. However, the seed was planted and suddenly, I was itching to paint and the 3 of us were planning projects. A friend said she thought other children would love to participate as well and the idea was born. Room was found for the supplies, flyers were printed and the family routine was adjusted to accommodate after-school lessons.

One result of my tentative foray into art lessons has been a love of working with children, whose art often yields unexpected insight into their self-image and esteem. Far more important to me than whether they can draw a straight line, or even whether they are happy with what they have produced on any given day, is their willingness to try and fail as part of the creative process. While these particular children are not coaching clients, I am beginning to see how art can be a wonderful coaching tool.

It may be that during the next year, you find yourself in need of a change. Look at what nurtures you and opportunities to bring that back into your life. I'm having more fun than I have in a while and finding peace and fulfillment in my painting. I wish you as much.

The Fertility Focus Telesummit

It's nearly time for the 2nd Fertility Focus Telesummit, which will bring you 15 speakers on various aspects of fertility health and infertility support, over the course of a week.  Sarah Holland of Fertile Mindset created the Telesummit last year, which was a great success. I am really pleased to be speaking at this event, alongside other fertility experts from around the world, including Sarah; a specialist in EFT for fertility, author Toni Weschler, astrologer Nicola Smuts, pregnancy expert Zita West, nutritionist Dr Marilyn Glenville, naturopath Gabriela Rosa, hypnotherapist Kristin Hayward and others. It's free to listen, either by phone or by computer, every day, beginning on March 21st, so mark it in your diary now!  I will be explaining how, by creating an effective support network, you can make all the difference to your efforts to conceive the baby you want so much. Find out:

• Why a support network is so vital when trying to conceive.
• The 5 most important types of support you need.
• How getting support elsewhere can help save your marriage.
• Lining up the members of your "team".
• How to handle people who are unsupportive.

Click here or on the Fertility Focus Telesummit button to your right to find out more about the 15 speakers and grab your free place on the calls.

P.S. Please make sure to mark in your diary... I am speaking LIVE on Monday, March 21 at 1pm Pacific | 6pm Eastern | 10pm UK time

In a nutshell; 10 tips for achieving this year's resolutions next year

Last week, I wrote in A New Year State of Mind about why this time of year is the perfect time to start with new, fresh goals, or to re-fresh those that you didn't achieve in the past 12 months. What's that I hear? Groan, moan, whine, complain.... Oh, I do know how it feels. After a week of too much shopping, cooking, cleaning, eating and no need for a wake-up alarm in the mornings, I feel like my bottom has been welded to a sofa cushion and my brain has been stuffed with it's down. How in the world am I going to muster enough motivation to start anything new, let alone my annual assessment of my less-than-optimum weight and fitness?

In order to help clear out the cobwebs and focus on something more substantive than what is on TV tonight, I have a short-hand version of the main points of that earlier blog post. Once you get going, you may want to re-fuel every once in a while by dipping into either post as the need arises.

Why your New Year's resolutions may not have succeeded in the past:

1.     Too big, too general or too negative;

2.     You didn’t build in any support

3.     It took too long to see any rewards for your hard work.

My Top Ten Tips for making New Year’s Resolutions for 2011 a Success:

1.     Start as soon into 2011 as you can. New Year’s Day and January represent a new beginning, making it the perfect time to start fresh with a goal you have been putting off.

2.     Get as specific as you possibly can.  Make sure that you have some way of measuring your success, so you will know when you have achieved it. You don’t just want a new job, you want that job;

3.     Make the goal positive. Instead of “I have to lose 50 pounds,” make it “As of the 31^st December, 2011 I will weigh X pounds (50 less than when I began).”

4.     Make the goal manageable. Let’s say you want to run the next London Marathon, but have never run a race before.  You could easily become discouraged with such a huge goal. Instead, start with the goal of doing a charity fun run, then make a new goal to run a 5K race and eventually, work your way up to your ultimate goal: the Marathon.

5.     Write down your goal and revisit it every day as a constant reminder, including the actions you will take to achieve it, why it’s important to you and how you will reward yourself when you get there.

6.     Plan ahead. What will you need to help you achieve your goal? Use the next few weeks to line up all things you need, whether it’s time off from work, setting aside some money, buying exercise clothes, etc.

7.     Gather support.  Tell as many people what you are doing as is appropriate. Who wants you to succeed? Who is willing to help, whether it is just to listen, provide motivation or work alongside you?

8.     Build in rewards. Incentives keep your motivation fresh. They should be tangible, planned ahead, something you award yourself and something not counter-productive to your goal. So, instead of rewarding yourself with a big chocolate bar for losing 10 pounds, try a massage or a new pair of jeans instead.

9.     If you slip, pick yourself back up.  Don’t waste time on self-blame. Instead of letting a slip spell total disaster, forgive yourself and move forward as quickly as possible.

10.  Celebrate your success. So that it feels like a real achievement, make sure there is some celebration of your positive result. Then, next year, you will have something to draw on as motivation for your next New Year’s Resolutions.

 

A New Year state of mind

I’ve been humming the tune to Billy Joel’s ‘New York State of Mind’ this afternoon and didn’t really wonder why, until I sat down to write.  Apparently, one side of my brain was quicker than the other, because as soon as I started writing this post, this title magically appeared on my screen.  It’s true, that I have been a little anxious lately and have occasionally thought “I’ll clear it up after the Christmas holiday.”  I tend to over-think things, twisting them this way and that in my mind until I have pinned down their pros and cons.  Thankfully, my coach training has given me the tools to recognize when I am in that space, to step back and assign the troublesome issue a value and decide where to go with it from there.  Still, when it comes to December, whether it was largely a great, good or disappointing year, I want to push on to January and my New Year state of mind.  I know I am not the only one.

Many of us use the last few weeks of December to do an inventory of what we have achieved, what we have put on a high shelf and what we have not managed successfully during the past year.  It’s a mental review that sets the stage for how we approach the New Year.  I have become quite practiced at reviewing the ups and downs, setting the stage for new goals.  However, I have a long memory and know that in other years I did not use the end-of-year review in a positive way. I fretted about the weight I hadn’t lost, the financial goals that were not met and the friendship that wasn’t repaired, and for a few difficult years, the baby I didn’t have.  No matter how many goals appeared in the Success column, I beat myself up for the ones that glared at me from the Failure column. Does that sound at all like you?

If this is a familiar scenario to you, carry on.  First of all, reframe the failures as “actions that didn’t work,” or “missed opportunities to take action.”  Don’t let Failure settle over you like a heavy blanket.  It’s been said: There are no failures, only unexpected results. Second, do a spreadsheet: Take large (A4 or A5) pieces of paper and make 6 vertical columns from left to right and one header line across the top from one side to the other. At the top, label each of the 6 columns with these headings: Issue, How the Issue Affects You, Desired Resolution,  What Action(s) You Took, Why the Actions Worked or Didn’t Work and Where it Stands Right Now. Then, in the left column begin writing and carry through each issue, then draw a horizontal line under your writing and repeat from left to right until the pages are full. Be honest with yourself and assign responsibility, rather than blame, for those issues that haven’t been resolved.

I have heard many people bemoan what they didn’t accomplish this year, using the nearly-universal excuse of the recession to justify it. I'll put my hand up here too. So, the tatty chair I haven’t recovered, because I got used to seeing it tatty, rips and all, is really due to the recession.  The reason I am not as fit as I should be isn’t down to laziness, it’s down to the recession: I can’t justify the annual membership to the health club (even though walking is free).  The reason I ... well, you get the point. 

Blame is unproductive. If you aim it at yourself, you are wasting time and energy that could have been used to achieve your goal.  If it is aimed at someone else, it temporarily diverts attention away from you, but won’t actually change the outcome.

I've got two examples here of people struggling with resolutions that haven't worked in the past, but which, if tweaked a bit, could succeed this year.

Ex.  Issue – Melanie has a cluttered, messy house.

How the issue affects Mel: 

1. She often can’t find things (receipts, To-Do Lists, mobile phone, glasses, etc...),
2. Her husband nags her to tidy up and
3. She feels embarrassed, guilty and resentful.

Her desired resolution is a neater house, fewer possessions and less friction between her and her husband.

The actions she took included the purging of 6 bags of magazines, old letters and other papers, the purchase of a shoe rack for her front hall and donating bundles of old clothes, books, toys and videos to charity. 

The reason the actions didn’t work is that they weren’t repeated consistently throughout the year, allowing excess to build up again. 

Where it stands now is that the house is cluttered, her husband is still unhappy with it and the problem needs to be carried over to 2011. 

So, New Year, new you? To ensure that this year isn’t a repeat of the last, some changes may have to be made. One reason a lot of New Year’s Resolutions don’t work is that they are too big and free-form, making them overwhelming. Also, in order to find enough motivation to follow through on a resolution, you must have a reason.  Part of Melanie’s difficulty is that she doesn’t place as high a value on neatness as her husband does.  For that reason, she has to find her motivation in the relationship and self-esteem issues that the clutter causes.

Goal: For Melanie to create and maintain a neat, uncluttered house by 1^st December 2011.

Actions: Take an inventory of every room in the house, then go through the lists and highlight everything that she and her husband don’t like, need or ever use.  Decide how to get rid of those objects: including sale, swap or donate. Then, determine how and when to do that.  If she starts this process on her own, by boxing and bagging some of the items, she may feel her husband’s stress over the clutter ease up.

Obstacles: Once Melanie begins to go through her possessions, she may run into the old problem of not being able to let go of them. 

Support: She could ask for help from someone with no emotional attachment to her possessions.

Motivation: A house she is proud to show.

Motivation: tangible rewards she sets herself. Since Melanie cannot control or count on her husband’s satisfaction or praise, she must set some rewards for achievement.

Rewards: Weekly - Fresh flowers. Monthly - Having friends over for lunch. End of year – A new rug or piece of furniture for the house.

Another example is “Phil,”

The issue is that Phil is increasingly stressed.

The issue affects Phil through poor time management, overworked, late nights, poor eating habits, a sedentary lifestyle and unsettled sleep

The desired resolution is a better life/work balance, wants to feel better and begin a relationship

The action(s) Phil took were going to the pub with the guys from work more frequently, to be more sociable and help him unwind.

The actions didn’t work because Phil’s efforts were lackadaisical and sometimes, at cross-purposes. The pub became very same-y, there were few women there, he gained weight from drinking and his time management is no better. 

Where it stands right now - Phil is in the same place he was when he started.

Why didn’t Phil’s resolution work last year? He didn’t really believe he needed to make the changes, therefore he wasn’t committed. Also, he didn’t build in any support to help him get through the tough times. What is different this year? He is a year older, a little lonelier, less fit and unfulfilled. His need is greater, therefore he has more motivation and commitment.

Phil’s 2011 New Year’s Resolution can succeed with this new plan.

Goal: Phil has reduced his stress substantially and achieved better work/life balance by 30^th April, 2011.

Measurement: (How will he know his stress is reduced?) He will have more stamina, focus and concentration at work, feel more relaxed outside of work, be consistently getting more sleep and is back to his normal weight.

Actions: Plan 15 minutes relaxation/leisure activity for every hour that he works, including an exercise plan, stop working on the computer at least 2 hours before bedtime and write in a journal.  These actions must be repeated frequently enough to imprint them as habit.

Obstacles:

• External - His boss is used to him staying at work late, so expects that now.
• Internal: Denial of the lasting health repercussions of his lifestyle.

Motivation: Phil wants to meet a woman, get married and start a family, incentive enough to make some positive changes and stick to them.

Support: In January, he will consult a nutritionist and a personal trainer to construct healthy plans for him and supervise him for the first 4 weeks.  In February, he will find a friend to exercise with him so that he is motivated to go to the health club. 

Action: Leave work 10 minutes earlier every day, so that gradually Phil finds himself leaving at a more acceptable hour and his boss becomes used to the new schedule.

Action: Go to the GP for a health check (weight, blood pressure, heart) and to the Health Club for a fitness assessment.

Reward:  Go for a meal/drink with a friend once a week, after a session at the gym.

Reward: Once goals have been achieved in April, get a membership in e-harmony dating website.

This formula can be used successfully for any goal; however, the goal itself has to mean something to you, to ensure your commitment. It’s not enough for someone else to tell you that you need to lose weight, tidy your house or get more fit. The other essential element is that you need to believe that you can succeed. A lack of confidence in your own efforts will kill off any resolution. So, do a little work in December, approach January with a positive mindset and keep re-visiting your plan. This year’s non-starters are sure to be next year’s successes.

Should I stay or should I go?

It's fair to say that the holidays can bring up some additional challenges for people who are trying to conceive, or who have experienced a pregnancy loss. However, some of that anticipated difficulty can be avoided. Now, please don't jump to any conclusions that I am pointing the finger at you and saying you are responsible for awkward moments, insensitive comments or exclusion that you may encounter! You may not be able to avoid a social occasion completely, or anticipate what someone else will say. However, you can take actions in at least a few ways that will maximize your feeling of control and minimize your emotional upset.

Plans - We are just one toe into December, so you have  a 4-week stretch of holiday celebrations and days off to plan. If you anticipate the usual celebrations giving you a bit of bother, do something about it, by planning ahead who you will see, what you will do and how you will protect yourself. I have heard many people sigh with resignation over being expected to do certain things with certain people at this time of year and having no choice. People may not like change, but nothing is written in stone. They will get over it. Keep reminding yourself that you always have choices.

Yes?  No? It really is up to you. Have you been invited to a holiday party you dread attending?  Are you worried about being able to abstain from alcohol while others are drinking?  Lots of women are brought up to smile and go along with what is best for everyone else, regardless of how much it pains them. It's called people-pleasing, and we all do it sometimes, but it shouldn't be entirely at your expense. This is the time to ask yourself what YOU really want. If you decide that partying isn't in your best interest, smile and firmly say "Thank you so much for the invitation, but we have made other plans this year."

Storytelling - We all tell ourselves a little story about why we have to do things a certain way. Then we act it out as closely to the storyline as we can, validating our expectations and feelings about them. Unfortunately, this doesn't account for personalities, secrets and sore spots. From your mother-in-law's perspective, this may be "her year" to have you and your  husband on Christmas and it may not occur to her that a family get-together will be hard for you. Your sister may think that as a new Auntie, you will want to be right there at her baby's first Christmas, not realizing that your heart is breaking. On these occasions, your own storytelling may include feelings of being different, excluded, lonely, lacking, conspicuous or jealous. Imagine how you will be acting out that story; if it's not a pretty picture, do something about it!

Options - It can be a huge relief to realize that you do actually have options and are entitled to pursue them.  NOT having to do something specific empowers you to decide what you will do. If the calendar was completely empty and you had several days off, what would you do with them? 

How do you decide what is a viable alternative to what's already on offer? One of my favourite ways is to play the "if I won some money in the lottery, what would I do for Christmas?" game. The way this works is that it allows both of you to fantasize about your ideal break, without constraints, since no one would blame you for taking your dream holiday just this once. Once you have decided what that would be, you can make it happen in real life, even though it won't be funded by the lottery. Maybe you will decide to move your February break to December and completely opt out of the festive season, but it does 't necessarily have to be an all-or-nothing proposition. Perhaps you stay around home for Christmas Day, but plan a weekend break that will help you avoid a particular party. A Christmas gift of a Spa and Detox Day for Two, or special theatre tickets could come in handy.

If you won some money, would you put it into an extra special Christmas dinner with luxurious food and gifts for your extended family? If so, then staying put and participating in family festivities may be where you should be. The trick is to then manage the day(s) so that you get the most out of it, and avoid any unnecessary pain. More on that later.

If you decided to put your hypothetical winnings into an escape for two, far from the pressures and confrontations that a family get-together might create, prepare yourself for the reactions you may get. It may cause some awkwardness. Someone may have hurt feelings temporarily. You may miss certain people and be missed. However, if peoples' noses are out of joint over your decision, ask whether it is about their own inflexibility, their lack of independence or some other personal agenda on their part. Then balance their needs against yours on this particular occasion.  We aren't talking about permanent change; just one holiday.

Selfish? You may be wondering if it's selfish to want to do your own thing around holiday time. We are bombarded with messages of togetherness, gift-giving and cheer. However, if you think about what we truly wish for each other, it's usually happiness and good health for the coming year. If you are not in a state to enjoy festivities, then the excess food and drink, the crush of Christmas shopping, the late nights and intrusive questions,  certainly aren't going to be good for your happiness or health. Just remember that, unless you actually tell everyone you are trying to conceive or just had an unsuccessful IVF cycle, not everyone will know why you don't feel like joining in. If you want your privacy, you may have to put up with people drawing their own conclusions. I like the idea of a note saying; "We hope you will understand that we feel we aren't up to a get-together at the moment.  Thank you for thinking of us." That's not selfish. That's smart.

Here are my top tips for deciding "Should I stay or should I go?"

1. Agree with your partner that your first loyalty is to each other;
2. Make a list of your priorities (ex. relaxation, fun, family time, nurturing, supporting other people, contribution to the community, spirituality, health and wellbeing, privacy) so you can tick most of those boxes;
3. Each write down what it would feel like to be away on your dream holiday for Christmas and contrast that to how you anticipate you will feel at a family get-together, taking into account who will be there, past holidays and your current situation;
4. Balance someone else's temporary reaction against how you feel, remembering that if you are trying to conceive, or grieving the loss of a pregnancy, you must put your needs first;
5. Decide what you would like to do and then give yourself permission to do it. This does not mean asking permission of the whole family, as you will only confuse the issue with the varying opinions;
6. Follow through. Once the decision is made, book your plans before discussing it with the family/friends/office. 
7. Decide which one of you will let the various important people in your life know what you are doing and what you will say.  We often have difficulty saying "I want" or "I need" with conviction. While it's preferable in the long run to stand up for yourself and voice your own desires and needs, if this is your first time swimming against the tide, it may be easier if you and your partner announce your plans to each other's family.  You could say that the time away is your Christmas gift to each other, or that you believe that your partner really needs a break. Getting involved in deep discussion about why you don't want to be at the family get-together is unnecessary, could get emotional and may result in you bending to pressure or guilt.
8. Make alternate plans with family and friends to show you care. If the big get-together seemed overwhelming, try inviting just a few people over for cake and coffee, or have a gift-exchange with a girlfriend over lunch instead of spending a whole afternoon with her adorable children;
9. Enjoy yourself. After all, that's what this is all about. If you spend your time feeling guilty, you defeat the purpose.

 Watch for my next post for tips on how to manage the holiday celebrations you can't avoid. 

Welcome (again) to July ICLW at Your Great Life

Hi there,

Thank you to those who commented this month for July's ICLW at Your Great Life. My Welcome letter is reprinted below as I am still working on the topics introduced there and want to keep them fresh. See you in August, though I very much hope you will pop in for a visit and a comment between now and then.

Lisa

...................

I'm feeling really great to have already received a good number of ICLW visits and comments today, despite not having posted a welcome until just now.  I seem to have struck a note with my series of blog posts on how single fathers can take on or improve their knowledge, communication and availability regarding body issues relating to their pre-teen and teenage daughters.  Quite a few of you have told me that your mothers weren't particularly open or instructive about personal hygiene, skin care, first bras, shaving or lightening of body hair. There is no reason that mothers can't benefit from these blog posts too, so if you know anyone who isn't coping well with this area of parenting, please send them the link. The next one in the series will be menstruation...awaiting the first period and learning the best way to manage periods.

Don't worry; I'm not moving away from the areas of infertility and conception. My mind is working laterally.  My primary purpose is to give women of all ages, and men too, a knowledge of, and respect for, their bodies and how they work SO THAT they can maximize good reproductive health and have the best chance of having families of choice, when they are ready to do so. Even my personal experiences, having the benefits of:

1. Sex education and Health classes at Junior High School and University;
2. communicative, instructive and supportive parents;
3. an annual (actually once or twice yearly) well-woman exam by a gynaecologist since the age of 17 (initially set up by my mother and continued by me);
4. the ability to talk to friends about our bodies (comparing notes is a very useful way to learn) and sex; and
5. a culture of preventive medicine that keeps me on top of changes in my body or its functions;

I was amazed to learn what I did not know about my body, fertility, pregnancy and childbirth when I ran into my own reproductive health problems in my 30s.  As a fertility advocate, I would like to help other people remedy that situation so they can take personal responsibility for their own health, the emotions and decision-making that appear in the context of fertility.

Awareness, education and communication are key to getting people the help they need to live healthy lives, conceive and eventually, parent. However, just as important is the ability to do this all while feeing good about yourself and how you are coping with life's challenges. If you know anyone who would benefit from fertility coaching, either individually via office or phone sessions, or on one of my group courses, please give them my contact details:

Email - lisa@yourgreatlife.co.uk

Phone (internationally) - 011 - 44 - 208 954 2897 London is on Greenwich Mean Time. Please check the time before dialling. (I can usually phone you for sessions.)

Phone (within the UK) - Landline 020 8954 2897 or Mobile 0777 909 1466

My office calendar can be arranged through Reception at the Stanmore Chiropractic Clinic, Stanmore, Middlesex, UK. Telephone - 020 8954 8311.

A Shot in the Dark - Preventive Measures Against Infertility

Reading quite a few infertility-themed blogs this week for ICLW, I had a bit of a light bulb moment. One thing that many bloggers, including myself, had in common was no warning of their infertility before they began trying to conceive (TTC). That unfortunate timing and the delay it caused in our parenting plans was something I already knew, but the flash of light was whether we could change that. Some women have an idea that their reproductive health is going to be problematic because they may have symptoms of an underlying condition such as PCOS or endometriosis, for which they are already being treated. However, for the rest, infertility can come as a terrible shock that rips away the pretty, pastel-coloured dream of "baby makes three."

What if we could change all that?  In my children's primary school, the 5th grade gets sex education lessons in the Summer Term.  My daughter is in Year 5 and at 10 years old, she is one of the oldest in the class. If it's anything like my own Sex Ed class in Junior High School, it will focus on physiology; a map of the the girl's and boy's reproductive organs and what they take to function and produce babies, in a A + B = C fashion.  They may tie this in to a limited discussion of sexual responsibility; don't do anything you aren't ready for.  After that, I guess they are expected to find out what they need to know on their own or from their parents.

What if children were given an update in 9th and 12th grades (some schools may already do this) each time altered to fit with their levels of maturity, sexual activity and need-to-know? For instance, accurate, biological names for organs are more appropriate for younger children of 9 or 10, who still call a urethra a "wee-wee" and a bowel movement a "poo" or "doodoo." By the time those children reach 9th grade and 13 years old, they will have heard, if not used, more street names for both bodily organs, digestive and reproductive functions and sexual acts.  They need to be spoken to by a teacher who carries more credibility, who is completely comfortable with this type of conversation.  At 18 and about to leave school for their gap year, first job or university, it's an entirely different story. Many will already be engaging in sex by then. Many will leave their parents' home and set up life elsewhere. Before they do that could be the best opportunity for us to reach them.

Many women I know did not visit a gynaecologist for a well-woman check or birth control until they were at university.  Their first visit would have coincided roughly with the beginning of sexual activity and/or their first urinary tract infection.  Those that chose the birth control pill probably had to return every 6 months for a new examination in order to get a new 6-month prescription.  I doubt that most young men ever went to the doctor for an examination of his genitals or his reproductive function except if he came down with a funny rash. Neither girls nor boys of this age were interested in becoming parents in the very near future. It is likely that none of them thought in terms of their sexual and reproductive organs as anything but their vagina or penis.

These days, girls of about 14 years old can have the injection for human papilloma virus(HPV), a sexually transmitted disease. There are many forms of HPV; some go away on their own, some cause genital warts and others can become cancer of the cervix. One would hope that parents would take this opportunity to have an in-depth conversation (it's definitely not the birds and the bees anymore) with their daughters about sex and reproductive health at the same time. I could be wrong, but I wouldn't like to place any money on it. I have already opened the door to any questions from either of my children, answering them in terms appropriate to their respective ages.

What do they need to know?  For starters, both young men and women need to know exactly how their bodies work. This would dispel any of those unbelievably ridiculous myths that girls can't get pregnant from their first experience with sexual intercourse. They also need to know what sexually transmitted diseases are: what they look like, which ones have no external signs, that some, like herpes, are controllable but can last forever, and that HIV is still incurable. Then, the education should include truths v. myths of fertility.  These can include:

• ovaries produce an egg each cycle (myth) v. a girl is born with all the eggs she will ever have and her ovaries release an egg each cycle (truth);
• birth control is also an adequate protection against sexually-transmitted diseases (myth) v. only condoms can doubly protect in this way (truth);
• a "macho" or very masculine guy has an endless supply of sperm (myth) v. any guy can have seminal fluid that has reduced or no sperm, or "slow swimmers" (truth);
• a woman who gets a menstrual period every month is fertile (myth) v. there are many causes of infertility and they may not have anything to do with menstruation or ovulation (truth);
• it's usually the woman in the relationship who is infertile (myth) v. male infertility is nearly as, if not equally, common as female infertility (truth);
• Sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) are cleared up with antibiotics and have no lasting effects (myth) v. STDs can cause infertility; and
• If a couple has a child already, they are always going to be fertile (myth) v. couples can fail to conceive again after a birth, known as secondary infertility (truth)
• (I'd like to add your suggestions to this list, so please feel free to post in the Comments)

Now, here's the shot in the dark that I promised.  If every man and woman of 18 years old could be:

1. educated about reproductive health with an emphasis on male and female infertility and recurrent miscarriage;
2. given an opportunity to have their fertility medically checked, this would allow them to make decisions as young people about protecting their desire to have a family in the future; and
3. They could be given options for treatment before that time, to safeguard their ability to conceive with a future partner. 

In certain situations they could decide if drug therapy, surgery or long-term freezing of eggs or sperm at that point would be appropriate or necessary. Just think of the heartache that would be eliminated when couples follow the dream of love, marriage, home, baby carriage.

I realize that you can't absolutely project what a person's reproductive health will be at 35, compared to their 18 year old self.  I understand that hormone levels will fluctuate throughout a person's life and that it might not be worthwhile to test every person for things like "sticky blood."  However, I do think that the medical community can estimate how many people would be helped by testing certain conditions at a young adult age. The NHS and insurance companies already make their policies based upon statistics; they could just change the focus and timing.

I don't know how much this type of national program would cost, so perhaps I am suggesting something that is prohibitive, however; I think not, when compared to the billions that are spent on advertising, tests, drugs, treatment, procedures, egg donor and sperm donor banks and any other assisted conception.  I also know that the UK is not very supportive of preventive medicine, in comparison with the United States. It would reduce, if not eliminate, the need to cut women off from NHS-funded IVF at 39 years old. It follows that age would not make much diference if a man or woman had taken protective measures against infertility when they were younger.  I'm getting excited now!!!

Someone in the medical field or fertility-related industry might read this and think I'm an innocent do-gooder who doesn't know squat, but I don't care. If ideas don't get voiced, nothing gets done.  I would like to know if anyone has an answer to the thoughts I have posed here.

I would like to start a conversation about this, getting your input. Please Comment with your opinions, suggestions and experiences. Tell me if you think I'm wrong.  Better still, tell me if I have something here.

Heart Half-Empty or Heart Half-Full

Another Valentine's Day is nearly over. It's such a double-edged sword. I'm a fan, as you will know if your read my previous two posts. On our first Valentine's Day as a couple, my husband proposed, so the 14th of February is an anniversary of sorts. We have run the gamut of celebrations; once disastrously doing the newlywed tourist in Paris, sometimes ill-conceived restaurant meals, but mostly special dinners at home.  Sometimes those dinners are had after the children's bedtimes, but this morning it was a Valentine's bagel brunch with them.

Thinking, however, of the couples who are celebrating Valentine's Day without the children they want so badly, brought up memories of our early years (as well as a few in the middle) together. As my family exchanges cards up and down the generations, my idealized Valentine's Day vision wasn't exclusive. It included our children, yet to come.

Try as I might to feel 100% content and loved-up, a chunk of my red valentine heart was grey. I was honest and open about the depth of my sadness, which was probably a bit cruel, but I naively thought that love meant never having to lie about your feelings. Even though we had each other, it never felt enough without the children I wanted so much. I loved my husband; it wasn't that he was lacking.  If anything, it was myself I found lacking as our difficulties began with 3 miscarriages. Our life together had a huge, empty space that needed filling.

I eventually stopped beating myself up emotionally. through a lot of reflection and help from others.  I realized that we would make a great life anyway, and that I could consider adoption. But that took time.  For a long time, I didn't know any technique to make that feeling go away, or at least wait patiently to the side while I lived the rest of my life. I have now, so if you identify with this at all, you may want to give the exercise below a try.

Floating Hearts - A Visualization Exercise For Your Great Life

This visualization exercise can help you remain positive and live a full, happy life while trying to conceive, though it can be easily adapted for other scenarios. It works in your mind to fill the empty space that aches inside your heart.

 

Becoming ready - Quietly, sit or lie down so you are fully relaxed. Close your eyes and envision your feet, placing them so there is no weight on them. Think about relaxing the toes and arch of your foot, ankles, and move up through your calves, physically releasing any tension in the muscles. Do this from the feet to your head, isolating each muscle group one by one. When you reach your neck, relax the muscles by slowly moving your head in a circle, first in one direction and then in the other before finding a slightly bowed front, centre position. Your eyes should be kept closed throughout.

 

The heart - When you are fully relaxed, envision a large 3-dimensional ruby-red Valentine heart. This heart represents you at your core. You will be most content and deeply fulfilled when the heart is fully expanded.  However, just like a heart-shaped, squishy, bean bag pillow, you can be comfortable and happy even when your heart is half-full, or the beans shift from time to time.  Hold the heart like a pillow, feeling its comfort; the lovely feel of it.  It is really important to have a heart-half-full philosophy about this: Good as it is; better as it becomes fuller.

 

Completion - There are certain things that you want and need in order to fill up the spaces in your heart.  Think about what would make your life complete; whether it includes becoming pregnant or parenting by any means; 1 child or more.  You may have other dreams, such as a specific type of home, the place where you live, the professional success you are pursuing, or the lifestyle you want to have. There are no right or wrong choice as your vision is unique to you.  Use your personal value system to guide you, without limitation.

 

From the large heart will come others - Imagine gently squeezing it until one of those desires or needs pops out as a smaller 3-dimensional heart balloon. Give the small heart a name, e.g. daughter, son, our own house, working from home, more artistic skill, taking a hobby to professional level or improved health. You may decide to keep it or release the balloon to float away if priorities change. The balloons may float closer or hang in back, as opportunities come and go. Do this same visualization for each desire.

 

Life is good, but could be better.  Now you have your large heart and anywhere from 1 to perhaps a dozen or so smaller hearts floating around it.  The large heart is still the same size, but has more empty space inside.  Remember the bean bag analogy; your large heart/your life now are still comfortable because you can shift the contents around inside until you find a good position.  Wanting more does not diminish what you already have.

 

The box that holds your future - In front of you is a large box, beautifully decorated with your favourite colours and textures.  The box represents the promise of your life as it can be.  It is large enough to hold all your dreams and goals, no matter how big they are.  Reach out to take one of the small hearts in your hands. You have already given it a name, so you know what it represents.  Imagine having it back inside your big heart bean bag, filling it up a bit more and adding extra dimension to your life.  Breathe in deeply through your nose, expanding your chest while focusing on the small heart.  It’s already a part of you, but it lives in your mind. Knowing that someday it will take its place, but that today is not the day, breathe out slowly and lift your little heart into the box. It will rest there until it’s time to give it your full attention, commitment and actions toward making it real.

 

Your deepest wishes may be contained in one or two of the smaller hearts; those that are necessary to make you the person you want to be; living the life you want to live. They aren’t impossible to achieve, but they require your full strength, commitment and positivity.  If one or more of them holds the babies you haven’t yet had, imagine those babies curled up inside the hearts as they would be in your womb. Handle those hearts most gently and place on top of the others in your special box. When these are absorbed back into your big, ruby-red heart, it will be at its fullest. You can go on, knowing that they are as much yours now as ever. 

 

Re-focus - You now find the big heart and the big, beautiful box in front of you, side by side, and one final unnamed balloon.  Fill the balloon with the emotion you carry about the baby you want and the family you want to create.  Give it your longing, your sadness, fear, jealousy and anger. When it is full, let the balloon go and watch it float away.

 

Safekeeping - Take one last big breath in and picture the heart shrinking down and changing to tiny particles so it flows in with your breath, filling your chest so there is no empty space; no ache. Then, mentally shrink your box down to a tiny version of itself, and put it somewhere safe, in your pocket, bedside drawer or under your pillow, easily accessed when you have the opportunity to take action on one of the dreams held inside. Open your eyes and slowly breathe in, being conscious of a feeling of fullness. You are finished.

 

Repeat for stress relief whenever necessary. Only do this exercise when you are safely sitting or lying down and not while driving a vehicle or operating any kind of machinery.

(C) Lisa Marsh t/a Your Great Life 2010 All Rights Reserved.

An Infertile Valentine's Day; Why Celebrating It Matters

A Little Change Will Do Us Good

Last night I was blogging about the imminent Valentine’s Day and what it represents: romance, excitement, a little extra effort, attention paid to your relationship and memories.  This morning, I realized that what I really wanted to say is that Valentine’s Day is really all about change. 

 

Change is a word that can have you buzzing with excitement or dreading it like a molar that needs pulling. I would lay a bet down that more people prefer to avoid change, even if the place they are in, literally or figuratively, is not that great. Change is fearful, but those who embrace it know that risk can bring worthwhile rewards.  The change I am suggesting here is adopting different attitudes and behaviour for this day than you usually display throughout the year.  It needn’t be scary or difficult.

 

Valentine’s Day is the one holiday that doesn’t have us balancing the priorities of work, in-laws or meeting the guys down the pub (they will be with their wives). It’s not only acceptable, but also expected, that you don’t include anyone but the two of you in your plans. It lifts a couple up out of their routine and ignores the mundane actions we take on a daily basis.  As a single woman or girlfriend, I had a few awkward Bridget Jones experiences; sometimes I got lavish attention while other years brought such disappointing V-Days I had a hard time swallowing from the tension.  But marriage is supposed to change all that, isn’t it? It brings a sense of security that your other half will have to have noticed the ads for cards, flowers, restaurant specials and jewellery.  Ha! The advertisers haven’t taken into account the tougher aspects of marriage, including miscarriages infertility, parenthood and tight finances.  That’s where you come in.

 

In the first year in which a couple has begun their efforts to have a child, Valentine’s Day is a lovely way to reassure yourselves that you still adore each other.  Your cards, your breakfast-in-bed tray complete with flower, your text messages and your evening celebration all speak the same language: “everything is fine, we will get past this, it hasn’t been a full year yet, I don’t blame you at all, and we love each other even more now for having gone through adversity together.“ There’s a certain “let’s ignore this and it will go away” collusion. After that first year, when anxiety has set in, and beyond, Valentine’s Day can feel like too much effort.  That’s understood.  Or maybe it’s not.  One of you may believe that you both feel so miserable that no celebration would seem fitting; while the other believes that you have to stick your finger up at infertility and plans a surprise. Uh oh.

Fourteen (14) Tips For February Fourteenth (14th)

 

My number one tip here is to communicate, in words, not in body language. You aren’t dating and trying to impress. You probably aren’t giddy with the first blush of romance. You love and appreciate each other.  You may be hoping your other half brings up the subject first. Take the plunge and say something. 

2.  Use Valentine’s Day as the excuse you may need to revitalize your relationship. Fertility issues can be very draining.  You can get away with more overt gestures of love on the 14^th of February than on any other day in the calendar, so do.

3.  If Sunday is a day often spent with family, cross yourself off that guest list. This is a day for the two of you. Put each other first.

4.  If you are staying home for dinner, make a change or two.  Set the table with a few beautiful pieces. Add a candle.  What you eat isn’t so important; being across from each other at the table is (NOT in front of the TV) so you can look straight at, or reach a hand across to, each other.

5. If you are going to dinner, don’t do the “I don’t care, you choose,” “No, you...” dance. Do care. If you usually go out to the local take-away with Formica tables for pizza, go to the pizza place with candle-lit tables in dark corners. The environment is important, whether at home or out.

6.  Make some ground rules for the day: you may ask that ther be no infertility talk, no bringing up other people’s fertility issues, no apologies about being the one with the problems, possibly no tweeting of updates. Being and doing things together as a twosome, and leaving your followers patiently waiting until Monday, could show where your values lie.

7.  Make a noticeable effort to look good.  Marriage, comfort and long-term stress can divert your attention away from relatively superficial concerns. Leave the tracksuit and sneakers in the closet and put on something you know looks good on you. It makes such a difference to how you carry yourself.

8.  Pull down the shades and put on some music. Dancing is a great way to initiate body contact.  When is the last time you just relaxed in each other’s arms, with no agenda?

9.  Valentine’s Day can be as simple or extravagant as you want.  I find that restaurants never show their best side on these kinds of “theme” days. Another idea is to book in to a Spa for the day  and swim and lunch together in between treatments.  If you don’t have money to splash around, some low cost alternatives are a romantic DVD, a bowl of pink and silver wrapped Hershey’s Kisses, sparkling water in wine glasses and a gift certificate for a massage to be redeemed immediately (don’t forget the scented oil).

10. Make a little show of turning the answering machine on and the mobile phones off. Give each other 100% attention.

11.  If you already have a child at home and no babysitter handy, write out an invitation for him (or her) to join you in the shower, at the dining table or on the sofa, for a private celebration 15 minutes after your child’s bedtime.

12.  Men; do not let a woman go through an entire Valentine’s Day thinking you forgot, just so you can surprise her at 8 p.m. Her self-esteem may have taken a big hit from her miscarriage or infertility, so that very long day may add to her worries about your relationship.

13.  Have fun! You can go back to the serious stuff the next day.  Changing the way you relate to each other adds a little sparkle. It isn’t fake; it’s just less attention to your worries and more attention to what you have together.

14.  If you enjoy the change, don’t stop with Valentine’s Day; repeat it.  Unfortunately, it’s all too easy to say “we should do this more often.”  Instead, how about scheduling a date night once a month when you can block out the world and focus on enjoying each other.  Make sure it happens by drawing a little red heart on the day you choose for next month.

 

Hopefully, you are like two lovebirds and Valentine's Day is the icing on the cake, in which case you probably have it all figured out already.  However, for those other couples whose infertility and/or miscarriage have taken a big toll on their relationship, the 14 tips above are a rescue remedy.  Don't be afraid of showing how much you are still attracted to him. Revive some of the humour that has been missing for a while.  Whether your Valentine's Day is tender, passionate, planned down to the last detail or lighthearted and spontaneous, the change will do you good.

The Big Idea

Every once in a while, it's a good idea to step back from what you're doing and take stock of your goals, how far you have come and how far there is still to go.  I was thinking about that earlier as I collected dozens of Post-It notes and sheets of "printer accidents" covered with my scrawled shorthand, not to mention business cards I've been given at every turn.  2009 was a year of challenges, progress, intense learning, a few obstacles to overcome and a great sense of satisfaction.

When I began training, I had an instinct that coaching and I were made for each other. I had a few blips during that time, including the occasional crisis of confidence and family upset, but I kept my eye on the golden ball and kept going. I have no problem admitting that.  I'm human, imperfect and real. First and foremost, my desire was to replicate the type of one-to-one coaching I had received from my own coach.  She showed me how I got in my own way sometimes and stopped short of taking the next, scary step.  At the same time, she listened, questioned, inspired, challenged, paid attention, showed me who I thought I was and who I could be and supported me.  I wanted nothing more than the satisfaction of working personally with individual clients and the reward of seeing my clients spread wings and fly.

Now, a couple of years down the line, I have a few projects on the boil that will take my fertility coaching to a wider audience. I've got my Your Great Life coaching practice and new office space. I'm working with the principals of a great company in the U.S., Circle + Bloom, to give the buyers of their mind/body audio program for fertility the additional support of a fertility coach.  I'm giving service to others through the North London Miscarriage Support Group I lead monthly.  I'm blogging nearly every day now, after a very slow start in the beginning of 2009 and I really enjoy the writing.  I'd like to do more of it on a professional basis, so watch this space for an announcement on that front. I'm planning my 2010 workshops and also have been invited to participate in other people's workshops. 

The brain of that coach who only wanted to do one-to-one work is absolutely swimming with big, huge, exciting and enormous ideas. Over the past few months, I have personally vetted a dozen complementary therapists who support wellbeing as it relates to fertility and family-building.  Not only do we have mutual interests, but also, I can include them in my plans to bring you the best resources to enhance your health, fertility, self-belief, relationships and your vision of your future life.

These days, I visit countless blogs every month; reading about the brave fight many women (and couples) have regarding their infertility, news of medical and legal progress regarding reproductive health and the fertility industry, women, relationships, adoption and the meaning of life.  There's a thriving and connected community of bloggers out there, who each bring something unique and quite personal to the public domain that is the internet. I'm constantly learning about what women and infertile people want, need, can't find, fight for, deserve, cry over, laugh at and celebrate. Creating a family seems so fundamental a purpose in life that it should be easy, unencumbered by the weight of infertility. My intent is to provide the tools that they need to get what they want and where they want to go.

One last point: People who are familiar with coaching, know that "goal" is the big buzzword.  A dictionary definition of a goal is "an aim; the end towards which effort is directed."  I've decided to use the word intent instead, using it to mean "a purpose; the state of mind with which an act is done." They are both correct, but intent fits me better, giving not only the end meaning, but the journey as well. 

I'd like to know what your intent (or goal) is for 2010. You can leave it as a comment.

If you found this interesting, you may want to read I Admit It; I Did It, 03/01/10