your great life

Making up for lost time

I was just writing an article for Mindful Mum this morning about when to announce your pregnancy, and thinking about some of the positive news stories about pregnancy which I have heard recently.

• I was really thrilled to read that Amanda Holden has recently announced that she is more than 3 months pregnant. You may have read here about Amanda's devastating stillbirth earlier this year. It's never easy to decide who and what   to tell about a pregnancy that follows a loss like that, and especially when you are in the public eye the way Amanda is. I think she has demonstrated great courage and hope, and wish her well. 
• Lisa Wilkinson, who lost her husband Gareth to bone cancer 3 years ago, now has a 1-year old baby Jack, born of Gareth's sperm through a single cycle of IVF. In Lisa's open letter to Gareth in the Daily Mail, she recounts the decision they made together before he died, the hopes and fears she felt while pregnant and the emotional difficulties she faced during and after the emergency Caesarean birth.   Gareth had his sperm frozen prior to embarking on chemotherapy, as the treatment was likely to make him infertile. He and Lisa initially planned to have IVF once he had recovered from the cancer, but once he knew he was dying, he asked her to have their baby after he was gone.

Before agreeing to allow Lisa to undergo fertility treatment, doctors required Lisa to undergo psychological testing to ensure that she could cope emotionally with giving birth to Gareth's child on her own. While it seems from the article that Lisa resents this requirement to "prove her sanity" and the year-long delay that it caused, I agree in principle. It's important to determine that the reasons for giving birth to a deceased partner's child are sound and will not prevent a woman from healing from her loss, moving forward with her life in a healthy way or raising a baby who is wanted for themselves and not as a living memorial to his father. In fact, Lisa admits to having suffered post-natal depression and anxiety about having Jack on her own, however, she has recovered and is happily raising her now one-year old boy. He also brings joy and comfort to Gareth's mother, who helps out weekly with her grandson.

It's lovely to read about how people find the strength, resources and good fortune to overcome adversity. I"m grateful that people like Amanda Holden and Lisa Wilkinson are courageous enough to share their personal stories with us, as they will surely inspire someone else to meet their own challenges and move forward with their life.

Sperm Donor Unknown on TV (UK) tonight

Sperm Donor Unknown is the fascinating story about how a group of children born via sperm donation found their biological father, and each other, through the Donor Sibling Registry Website. It airs tonight on More 4 at 10 p.m.  I've written here previously about Jeffrey Harrison and the 14 children he fathered in the 1980's as a way to supplement his income, in How many siblings do I have? For Donor 150's children, it's 14 and counting. The story of genetic connection isn't cut and dry; it involves real people and feelings, the exploration of identity, discovery and acceptance. This is what I will be watching tonight.

The loneliest girl: What desperation led a pregnant teen to give birth and leave her baby in a hotel room?

This morning's news brought a tragic story about a newborn baby found dead in a hotel in Hounslow, West London. Police have traced the mother; a 15-year old Canadian girl who had been visiting the UK on a school trip. She gave birth without anyone knowing that she was even pregnant, and returned home to Canada. Had anyone known, she surely would not have been allowed to travel to the UK at 40 weeks pregnant by her parents, the school or the airline. It isn't known yet whether the baby was born alive. I spoke to Jayson Mansaray, the presenter of the Lunch Show at hayes.fm radio, this morning about why a young woman would go to these lengths and how teens can access help if they think they may be pregnant.

It may be difficult to believe that a woman could go through 9 months of pregnancy without anyone knowing about it, but it does happen occasionally. Presumably, she knew that she was pregnant, but hid it well by gaining a small amount of weight, already being overweight when she conceived or wearing very loose clothing. The question is why she felt she needed to go through this alone. We can only speculate that she may have:

• feared the judgment of her parents, peers, teachers and neighbours for being sexually active and/or pregnant;
• not understood much about pregnancy and feared the changes in her body;
• worried that she would be excluded from school, a job, a sports team or a social group;
• been in complete denial that the pregnancy would result in the birth of a baby;
• feared the responsibility of having a baby; or
• feared the withdrawal of love and support from her parents or other family members.

It's understandable that a pregnant teen would feel scared, isolated, confused and overwhelmed. However, the danger associated with secrecy about the pregnancy is that she would not get the help she needs and which is available to her. The primary concern is for the pregnant teen's health and wellbeing. She needs to know, as quickly as possible, whether she is pregnant and how far into the pregnancy she is. Depending upon whether she decides to continue in the pregnancy or to terminate, she needs advice about how to proceed. She, or her partner, may also need emotional support and help with her decision-making. They can access help, confidentially, through helplines and walk-in, young people's, sexual health clinics.

Nationally, a great UK resource is the Ask Brook website.  Young people, under the age of 25, can access information and advice regarding their sexuality, body image, sexual health, contraception, pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases (STD's) and termination of pregnancy. Additionally, there is a free, confidential Ask Brook Helpline, which operates 9 am - 7 pm, Monday - Friday:  0808 802 1234, and a confidential text service: 07717 989 023, which charges a standard SMS rate. Both the website and the advisors on the helpline can provide information about all the services that are available to a young person in their own area.

Locally, KISS is the name for the NHS sexual health services for young people up to the age of 25 in and around Hounslow. For more information about where you can go to access free and confidential pregnancy testing, advice and other health services, go to: KISS Young People's Clinics – Sexual Health Hounslow. (You do not have to live in Hounslow to use this service.)

An unexpected pregnancy may seem very overwhelming, but if you are in that position, it's important that you know:

• There are no stupid questions;
• The sooner you ask those questions that you have, the more you will understand and the better equipped you will be;
• If you are pregnant, the earlier you know, the more choice you will have about how to handle it (prior to 24 weeks for abortion);
• You will get the right medical advice and treatment for yourself and/or the baby at the right time;
• Telling someone confidentially on the helpline or at a KISS centre may make it easier for you to tell an adult who is closer to you, like a parent;
• The help is there for you...you are not alone.

How I'm getting on with my New Year's resolution, 2 weeks on

You may remember that a few weeks ago I gave you my top ten tips for success with your New Year's resolutions. Just in case you're wondering whether I applied that advice to my own life, I'm going to share with you how I'm getting on with one of my own resolution: weight loss. Over the past several years, I've gained and lost weight, but to be honest, during the past year all I've done is gain. I became really unhappy with the way I look and decided enough was enough. So; my number one resolution for 2011 is to shift some of that weight. I won't say how much, but let's just say I'll be on a diet for the next few months in order to lose the excess weight healthily and permanently.

Just to review for you, my tips (condensed here) were:

1. Start on your resolution a.s.a.p.;
2. Be as specific as possible;
3. Be as positive as possible;
4. Make your goal manageable;
5. Write your goal and revisit it daily;
6. Plan ahead;
7. Gather support;
8. Build in rewards;
9. If you slip, pick yourself right back up; and
10. Celebrate your success.

This is how I'm doing. I got stuck in a.s.a.p., just as I suggested in tip #1.  On January 3rd, fully disgusted with my post-Christmas body, I decided I had to begin a diet immediately! I couldn't wait another day to ask my friends what to do, buy a new book from the latest diet guru or attend a weight loss group. So, I decided on that morning to ban cookies, cake, cheese and alcohol and say no to second helpings at meals.

By the morning of the 5th, I felt like I was still in shock and knew I needed more structure if I wasn't to fail. To avoid procrastination, I went online and subscribed to WW Pro Points. I skipped the "science" and went straight to the tracker. By filling out my current weight and my goal, I fulfilled #2 and #5 on my list: being specific, writing out and re-visiting my written goal on a daily basis. By filling out the points tracker, which keeps track of what I am eating and its value on the WW plan, I fulfilled # 4 and #6, making the action plan manageable and planning ahead each meal, each day. The computer's in the kitchen, so I really have no excuses...it's a no-brainer.

You may notice that I have skipped #3, which is to make the goal a positive one. In my case, that is "I weigh XXX pounds as of ____ date. :)" Not, "I have to lose XX pounds. :(" But positive is an attitude and I'm afraid that during these past two weeks, my attitude has been less than positive on more than a few occasions. I have felt deprived. I have felt obsessed. I have felt fed up (no pun intended). Frankly, I have to look frequently at my post-it note with my positive goal written on it. I visualize myself at the goal weight, wearing something 3 sizes smaller that isn't designed to cover up bulges and bits.

Now that I have admitted my own frailty, I can move on to tip #7. Gathering support is one of the most important tools you can have in your kit.  My first move was to explain my goal to my husband and children and ask for their support. The children will have to get used to not having crisps and cakes in the house. My husband has agreed not to offer me second helpings. I am a hungry girl with an appetite that can match his most of the time. He gets up for seconds and invariably I say "oh, yes, go ahead, please." No more. I have also asked friends for support by going with me for weekly walks. Two have agreed. Planned ahead, these walks are good exercise, but also give me an opportunity to get empathy and recipes! My proviso to you...don't just expect support, be proactive and ask for it in exactly the form you need it. 

Rewards are essential, as per tip #8. I've decided to weigh myself only once a week, on the day assigned to me by my online weight tracker. I lost 2 pounds in Week One. It wasn't the 3 or 4 pounds I'd hoped to lose, and it doesn't show at all, so I will admit to some disappointment. However, not willing to let this get in my way, I rewarded myself with a bunch of tulips. The trick is not to reward myself with food, which is how I got to where I am now. I love colourful, fresh flowers on my desk, so it's the obvious choice for the weekly weight loss for me. I have in mind some new clothes and a spa day for the bigger milestones (20 lbs.) Think about how you would like to reward yourself for different levels of achievement in your New Year's resolutions.

So far, I haven't slipped off track, but if I did, I know that the trick for success is tip #9: to pick myself right back up and move forward. One portion of chips or dessert may slow down a week's weight loss, but shouldn't de-rail the entire plan. If I know we have a meal coming up which is less controllable because it's at a restaurant or someone else's house, I can save up points for a couple of days and use them on the night. Likewise, if I had too much bread or butter, or indulged a craving for chocolate one day, I could cut back on the extra points on the days following. The point is to not be defeatist and think "I'll NEVER succeed." You can, and you will, if you treat it as a blip that can be corrected and minimize the damage done.

Finally, tip #10 is to celebrate your success. I will have no problem doing that. I have big plans for when I finally achieve my total weight loss. I can see myself now, smiling, healthier, slimmer... 

Whatever your goals for 2011, you can use the same tips to help you structure your actions and achieve success.

In a nutshell; 10 tips for achieving this year's resolutions next year

Last week, I wrote in A New Year State of Mind about why this time of year is the perfect time to start with new, fresh goals, or to re-fresh those that you didn't achieve in the past 12 months. What's that I hear? Groan, moan, whine, complain.... Oh, I do know how it feels. After a week of too much shopping, cooking, cleaning, eating and no need for a wake-up alarm in the mornings, I feel like my bottom has been welded to a sofa cushion and my brain has been stuffed with it's down. How in the world am I going to muster enough motivation to start anything new, let alone my annual assessment of my less-than-optimum weight and fitness?

In order to help clear out the cobwebs and focus on something more substantive than what is on TV tonight, I have a short-hand version of the main points of that earlier blog post. Once you get going, you may want to re-fuel every once in a while by dipping into either post as the need arises.

Why your New Year's resolutions may not have succeeded in the past:

1.     Too big, too general or too negative;

2.     You didn’t build in any support

3.     It took too long to see any rewards for your hard work.

My Top Ten Tips for making New Year’s Resolutions for 2011 a Success:

1.     Start as soon into 2011 as you can. New Year’s Day and January represent a new beginning, making it the perfect time to start fresh with a goal you have been putting off.

2.     Get as specific as you possibly can.  Make sure that you have some way of measuring your success, so you will know when you have achieved it. You don’t just want a new job, you want that job;

3.     Make the goal positive. Instead of “I have to lose 50 pounds,” make it “As of the 31^st December, 2011 I will weigh X pounds (50 less than when I began).”

4.     Make the goal manageable. Let’s say you want to run the next London Marathon, but have never run a race before.  You could easily become discouraged with such a huge goal. Instead, start with the goal of doing a charity fun run, then make a new goal to run a 5K race and eventually, work your way up to your ultimate goal: the Marathon.

5.     Write down your goal and revisit it every day as a constant reminder, including the actions you will take to achieve it, why it’s important to you and how you will reward yourself when you get there.

6.     Plan ahead. What will you need to help you achieve your goal? Use the next few weeks to line up all things you need, whether it’s time off from work, setting aside some money, buying exercise clothes, etc.

7.     Gather support.  Tell as many people what you are doing as is appropriate. Who wants you to succeed? Who is willing to help, whether it is just to listen, provide motivation or work alongside you?

8.     Build in rewards. Incentives keep your motivation fresh. They should be tangible, planned ahead, something you award yourself and something not counter-productive to your goal. So, instead of rewarding yourself with a big chocolate bar for losing 10 pounds, try a massage or a new pair of jeans instead.

9.     If you slip, pick yourself back up.  Don’t waste time on self-blame. Instead of letting a slip spell total disaster, forgive yourself and move forward as quickly as possible.

10.  Celebrate your success. So that it feels like a real achievement, make sure there is some celebration of your positive result. Then, next year, you will have something to draw on as motivation for your next New Year’s Resolutions.

 

A New Year state of mind

I’ve been humming the tune to Billy Joel’s ‘New York State of Mind’ this afternoon and didn’t really wonder why, until I sat down to write.  Apparently, one side of my brain was quicker than the other, because as soon as I started writing this post, this title magically appeared on my screen.  It’s true, that I have been a little anxious lately and have occasionally thought “I’ll clear it up after the Christmas holiday.”  I tend to over-think things, twisting them this way and that in my mind until I have pinned down their pros and cons.  Thankfully, my coach training has given me the tools to recognize when I am in that space, to step back and assign the troublesome issue a value and decide where to go with it from there.  Still, when it comes to December, whether it was largely a great, good or disappointing year, I want to push on to January and my New Year state of mind.  I know I am not the only one.

Many of us use the last few weeks of December to do an inventory of what we have achieved, what we have put on a high shelf and what we have not managed successfully during the past year.  It’s a mental review that sets the stage for how we approach the New Year.  I have become quite practiced at reviewing the ups and downs, setting the stage for new goals.  However, I have a long memory and know that in other years I did not use the end-of-year review in a positive way. I fretted about the weight I hadn’t lost, the financial goals that were not met and the friendship that wasn’t repaired, and for a few difficult years, the baby I didn’t have.  No matter how many goals appeared in the Success column, I beat myself up for the ones that glared at me from the Failure column. Does that sound at all like you?

If this is a familiar scenario to you, carry on.  First of all, reframe the failures as “actions that didn’t work,” or “missed opportunities to take action.”  Don’t let Failure settle over you like a heavy blanket.  It’s been said: There are no failures, only unexpected results. Second, do a spreadsheet: Take large (A4 or A5) pieces of paper and make 6 vertical columns from left to right and one header line across the top from one side to the other. At the top, label each of the 6 columns with these headings: Issue, How the Issue Affects You, Desired Resolution,  What Action(s) You Took, Why the Actions Worked or Didn’t Work and Where it Stands Right Now. Then, in the left column begin writing and carry through each issue, then draw a horizontal line under your writing and repeat from left to right until the pages are full. Be honest with yourself and assign responsibility, rather than blame, for those issues that haven’t been resolved.

I have heard many people bemoan what they didn’t accomplish this year, using the nearly-universal excuse of the recession to justify it. I'll put my hand up here too. So, the tatty chair I haven’t recovered, because I got used to seeing it tatty, rips and all, is really due to the recession.  The reason I am not as fit as I should be isn’t down to laziness, it’s down to the recession: I can’t justify the annual membership to the health club (even though walking is free).  The reason I ... well, you get the point. 

Blame is unproductive. If you aim it at yourself, you are wasting time and energy that could have been used to achieve your goal.  If it is aimed at someone else, it temporarily diverts attention away from you, but won’t actually change the outcome.

I've got two examples here of people struggling with resolutions that haven't worked in the past, but which, if tweaked a bit, could succeed this year.

Ex.  Issue – Melanie has a cluttered, messy house.

How the issue affects Mel: 

1. She often can’t find things (receipts, To-Do Lists, mobile phone, glasses, etc...),
2. Her husband nags her to tidy up and
3. She feels embarrassed, guilty and resentful.

Her desired resolution is a neater house, fewer possessions and less friction between her and her husband.

The actions she took included the purging of 6 bags of magazines, old letters and other papers, the purchase of a shoe rack for her front hall and donating bundles of old clothes, books, toys and videos to charity. 

The reason the actions didn’t work is that they weren’t repeated consistently throughout the year, allowing excess to build up again. 

Where it stands now is that the house is cluttered, her husband is still unhappy with it and the problem needs to be carried over to 2011. 

So, New Year, new you? To ensure that this year isn’t a repeat of the last, some changes may have to be made. One reason a lot of New Year’s Resolutions don’t work is that they are too big and free-form, making them overwhelming. Also, in order to find enough motivation to follow through on a resolution, you must have a reason.  Part of Melanie’s difficulty is that she doesn’t place as high a value on neatness as her husband does.  For that reason, she has to find her motivation in the relationship and self-esteem issues that the clutter causes.

Goal: For Melanie to create and maintain a neat, uncluttered house by 1^st December 2011.

Actions: Take an inventory of every room in the house, then go through the lists and highlight everything that she and her husband don’t like, need or ever use.  Decide how to get rid of those objects: including sale, swap or donate. Then, determine how and when to do that.  If she starts this process on her own, by boxing and bagging some of the items, she may feel her husband’s stress over the clutter ease up.

Obstacles: Once Melanie begins to go through her possessions, she may run into the old problem of not being able to let go of them. 

Support: She could ask for help from someone with no emotional attachment to her possessions.

Motivation: A house she is proud to show.

Motivation: tangible rewards she sets herself. Since Melanie cannot control or count on her husband’s satisfaction or praise, she must set some rewards for achievement.

Rewards: Weekly - Fresh flowers. Monthly - Having friends over for lunch. End of year – A new rug or piece of furniture for the house.

Another example is “Phil,”

The issue is that Phil is increasingly stressed.

The issue affects Phil through poor time management, overworked, late nights, poor eating habits, a sedentary lifestyle and unsettled sleep

The desired resolution is a better life/work balance, wants to feel better and begin a relationship

The action(s) Phil took were going to the pub with the guys from work more frequently, to be more sociable and help him unwind.

The actions didn’t work because Phil’s efforts were lackadaisical and sometimes, at cross-purposes. The pub became very same-y, there were few women there, he gained weight from drinking and his time management is no better. 

Where it stands right now - Phil is in the same place he was when he started.

Why didn’t Phil’s resolution work last year? He didn’t really believe he needed to make the changes, therefore he wasn’t committed. Also, he didn’t build in any support to help him get through the tough times. What is different this year? He is a year older, a little lonelier, less fit and unfulfilled. His need is greater, therefore he has more motivation and commitment.

Phil’s 2011 New Year’s Resolution can succeed with this new plan.

Goal: Phil has reduced his stress substantially and achieved better work/life balance by 30^th April, 2011.

Measurement: (How will he know his stress is reduced?) He will have more stamina, focus and concentration at work, feel more relaxed outside of work, be consistently getting more sleep and is back to his normal weight.

Actions: Plan 15 minutes relaxation/leisure activity for every hour that he works, including an exercise plan, stop working on the computer at least 2 hours before bedtime and write in a journal.  These actions must be repeated frequently enough to imprint them as habit.

Obstacles:

• External - His boss is used to him staying at work late, so expects that now.
• Internal: Denial of the lasting health repercussions of his lifestyle.

Motivation: Phil wants to meet a woman, get married and start a family, incentive enough to make some positive changes and stick to them.

Support: In January, he will consult a nutritionist and a personal trainer to construct healthy plans for him and supervise him for the first 4 weeks.  In February, he will find a friend to exercise with him so that he is motivated to go to the health club. 

Action: Leave work 10 minutes earlier every day, so that gradually Phil finds himself leaving at a more acceptable hour and his boss becomes used to the new schedule.

Action: Go to the GP for a health check (weight, blood pressure, heart) and to the Health Club for a fitness assessment.

Reward:  Go for a meal/drink with a friend once a week, after a session at the gym.

Reward: Once goals have been achieved in April, get a membership in e-harmony dating website.

This formula can be used successfully for any goal; however, the goal itself has to mean something to you, to ensure your commitment. It’s not enough for someone else to tell you that you need to lose weight, tidy your house or get more fit. The other essential element is that you need to believe that you can succeed. A lack of confidence in your own efforts will kill off any resolution. So, do a little work in December, approach January with a positive mindset and keep re-visiting your plan. This year’s non-starters are sure to be next year’s successes.

Should I stay or should I go?

It's fair to say that the holidays can bring up some additional challenges for people who are trying to conceive, or who have experienced a pregnancy loss. However, some of that anticipated difficulty can be avoided. Now, please don't jump to any conclusions that I am pointing the finger at you and saying you are responsible for awkward moments, insensitive comments or exclusion that you may encounter! You may not be able to avoid a social occasion completely, or anticipate what someone else will say. However, you can take actions in at least a few ways that will maximize your feeling of control and minimize your emotional upset.

Plans - We are just one toe into December, so you have  a 4-week stretch of holiday celebrations and days off to plan. If you anticipate the usual celebrations giving you a bit of bother, do something about it, by planning ahead who you will see, what you will do and how you will protect yourself. I have heard many people sigh with resignation over being expected to do certain things with certain people at this time of year and having no choice. People may not like change, but nothing is written in stone. They will get over it. Keep reminding yourself that you always have choices.

Yes?  No? It really is up to you. Have you been invited to a holiday party you dread attending?  Are you worried about being able to abstain from alcohol while others are drinking?  Lots of women are brought up to smile and go along with what is best for everyone else, regardless of how much it pains them. It's called people-pleasing, and we all do it sometimes, but it shouldn't be entirely at your expense. This is the time to ask yourself what YOU really want. If you decide that partying isn't in your best interest, smile and firmly say "Thank you so much for the invitation, but we have made other plans this year."

Storytelling - We all tell ourselves a little story about why we have to do things a certain way. Then we act it out as closely to the storyline as we can, validating our expectations and feelings about them. Unfortunately, this doesn't account for personalities, secrets and sore spots. From your mother-in-law's perspective, this may be "her year" to have you and your  husband on Christmas and it may not occur to her that a family get-together will be hard for you. Your sister may think that as a new Auntie, you will want to be right there at her baby's first Christmas, not realizing that your heart is breaking. On these occasions, your own storytelling may include feelings of being different, excluded, lonely, lacking, conspicuous or jealous. Imagine how you will be acting out that story; if it's not a pretty picture, do something about it!

Options - It can be a huge relief to realize that you do actually have options and are entitled to pursue them.  NOT having to do something specific empowers you to decide what you will do. If the calendar was completely empty and you had several days off, what would you do with them? 

How do you decide what is a viable alternative to what's already on offer? One of my favourite ways is to play the "if I won some money in the lottery, what would I do for Christmas?" game. The way this works is that it allows both of you to fantasize about your ideal break, without constraints, since no one would blame you for taking your dream holiday just this once. Once you have decided what that would be, you can make it happen in real life, even though it won't be funded by the lottery. Maybe you will decide to move your February break to December and completely opt out of the festive season, but it does 't necessarily have to be an all-or-nothing proposition. Perhaps you stay around home for Christmas Day, but plan a weekend break that will help you avoid a particular party. A Christmas gift of a Spa and Detox Day for Two, or special theatre tickets could come in handy.

If you won some money, would you put it into an extra special Christmas dinner with luxurious food and gifts for your extended family? If so, then staying put and participating in family festivities may be where you should be. The trick is to then manage the day(s) so that you get the most out of it, and avoid any unnecessary pain. More on that later.

If you decided to put your hypothetical winnings into an escape for two, far from the pressures and confrontations that a family get-together might create, prepare yourself for the reactions you may get. It may cause some awkwardness. Someone may have hurt feelings temporarily. You may miss certain people and be missed. However, if peoples' noses are out of joint over your decision, ask whether it is about their own inflexibility, their lack of independence or some other personal agenda on their part. Then balance their needs against yours on this particular occasion.  We aren't talking about permanent change; just one holiday.

Selfish? You may be wondering if it's selfish to want to do your own thing around holiday time. We are bombarded with messages of togetherness, gift-giving and cheer. However, if you think about what we truly wish for each other, it's usually happiness and good health for the coming year. If you are not in a state to enjoy festivities, then the excess food and drink, the crush of Christmas shopping, the late nights and intrusive questions,  certainly aren't going to be good for your happiness or health. Just remember that, unless you actually tell everyone you are trying to conceive or just had an unsuccessful IVF cycle, not everyone will know why you don't feel like joining in. If you want your privacy, you may have to put up with people drawing their own conclusions. I like the idea of a note saying; "We hope you will understand that we feel we aren't up to a get-together at the moment.  Thank you for thinking of us." That's not selfish. That's smart.

Here are my top tips for deciding "Should I stay or should I go?"

1. Agree with your partner that your first loyalty is to each other;
2. Make a list of your priorities (ex. relaxation, fun, family time, nurturing, supporting other people, contribution to the community, spirituality, health and wellbeing, privacy) so you can tick most of those boxes;
3. Each write down what it would feel like to be away on your dream holiday for Christmas and contrast that to how you anticipate you will feel at a family get-together, taking into account who will be there, past holidays and your current situation;
4. Balance someone else's temporary reaction against how you feel, remembering that if you are trying to conceive, or grieving the loss of a pregnancy, you must put your needs first;
5. Decide what you would like to do and then give yourself permission to do it. This does not mean asking permission of the whole family, as you will only confuse the issue with the varying opinions;
6. Follow through. Once the decision is made, book your plans before discussing it with the family/friends/office. 
7. Decide which one of you will let the various important people in your life know what you are doing and what you will say.  We often have difficulty saying "I want" or "I need" with conviction. While it's preferable in the long run to stand up for yourself and voice your own desires and needs, if this is your first time swimming against the tide, it may be easier if you and your partner announce your plans to each other's family.  You could say that the time away is your Christmas gift to each other, or that you believe that your partner really needs a break. Getting involved in deep discussion about why you don't want to be at the family get-together is unnecessary, could get emotional and may result in you bending to pressure or guilt.
8. Make alternate plans with family and friends to show you care. If the big get-together seemed overwhelming, try inviting just a few people over for cake and coffee, or have a gift-exchange with a girlfriend over lunch instead of spending a whole afternoon with her adorable children;
9. Enjoy yourself. After all, that's what this is all about. If you spend your time feeling guilty, you defeat the purpose.

 Watch for my next post for tips on how to manage the holiday celebrations you can't avoid. 

More UK celebs talk about IVF; Jacqueline Gold's bittersweet story of life and loss

The other day, it was Emma Thompson talking about her IVF in the weekend papers and yesterday it was Jacqueline Gold, known as the dynamo who turned UK lingerie chain Ann Summers into a mult-million pound business. But, whereas Emma's IVF in her early forties was unsuccessful, Jacqueline gave birth to twins at 49. Sadly, one of Jacqueline and her husband Dan's babies, Alfie, died at eight months old in March of this year. Jacqueline spoke to a Sunday Times reporter, Laurel Ives, about their experiences.

By all accounts, Jacqueline Gold has always been a driven businesswoman. However, beyond the public eye, she and her boyfriend Dan started trying to conceive almost immediately after they met ten years ago. Quickly realizing that they would need the help of assisted reproductive techniques, they decided to undergo IVF. The stress of three failed cycles over a period of five years led to their split. Jacqueline's career at Ann Summers took over until she and Dan re-united two years later and decided to give IVF another chance; this time in the States. This time, the IVF worked and they conceived twins, born in July 2009. Unfortunately, though, theirs is a bittersweet victory over infertility.

While Jacqueline was pregnant, doctors discovered that one of the twins had a rare condition, alobar holoprosencephaly, which causes severe brain damage. Jacqueline and Dan opted not to terminate the affected fetus as they were worried about its risk to the healthy baby. No one expected the fetus to survive outside the womb. When Jacqueline gave birth to both twins, she was devastated to find out that Alfie, the ill baby, couldn't see, think or feed and was in constant pain. The next eight months were a mixture of joy with daughter Scarlett and pain on seeing Alfie suffer.

Jacqueline Gold is obviously a very strong woman. She has had to move on from a the life-altering experience of the death of her child, and according to the Sunday Times article, is doing very well. Here are some of the things to which Jacqueline attributes her healing:

• the love and support of her husband Dan, who she married two months after Alfie's death
• knowing that in his eight months of life, Alfie was well cared-for at the Children's Trust Tadworth, that his pain was managed and it gave her the time to know him
• creating a pirate-themed treasure chest for Alfie's mementoes
• her work, which gave her some normality
• that she was able to hold Alfie and say goodbye as his feeding tube was removed
• being a mother to Scarlett, now 16 months old

Jacqueline also spoke in the article about their experience of IVF, which I pass along here so that those who are going through it now, know that they are not alone in finding it difficult:

• She may have pursued her career vigorously during her fertile years, but the delay in trying to conceive was also about her personal life, "when you're older you're more confident, relaxed, resourceful and having the right partner is very important." She met husband Dan when she was 40.
• "IVF is such a rollercoaster. There is a big build-up and then such disappointment - it can be overwhelming."
• "[Y]ou don't have enough time on your side to take a year off." In one IVF cycle, Jacqueline had embryos implanted the day before her mother's funeral.
• After 3 IVF cycles, she and Dan split up for 2 years. "We had stopped communicating...everything had just broken down."
• They went to America for their final round of IVF "They are so much more supportive and positive about the process there, and the success of the treatment has a lot to do with how you are feeling."

There are lessons to be learned in Jacqueline's words, above.

1. A balanced life and a relaxed, empowered attitude are important ingredients in the "readiness" that many women seek;
2. Good paths of communication are essential to a healthy relationship in the face of stressful fertility treatments;
3. Pay attention to what else is going on in your life and how it might affect your chances of conceiving. A time of grief and emotional stress is not going to be the optimum time to focus all of your positive energy on conception; and
4. The support and trust in your medical team can have a positive effect upon your acceptance of treatment and eventual results.

On a final note, I would have added the link to Laurel Ives' article in The Sunday Times Style section, however, I was unable to get it without paying to subscribe online. Since I already pay for my subscription to the paper copy, I wasn't willing.

Your ovaries do not know that it's July/August: 8 Tips to get you through the summer

What is it about summer that makes everything slow down or grind to a halt? I have had quite a few people tell me that they want to put a new project "on hold," deal with a health issue later, change a date or sort out some problems.

I'm not the only one; several others have queried the same thing...canceled appointments, a laissez-faire attitude toward agendas, trying to get a hold of builders, decorators, doctors... The irony is that if you are self-employed, your clients drop out on you, but if you need someone who is self-employed, as above, you can't reach them. It seems everything can wait until September. Could it just be the unusually good weather we have been having so far this summer? Knock wood.

Who can't afford to procrastinate this summer?  Inevitably, it's those in the IF community. It's understandable that infertiles want or feel they need a break from trying to conceive. Time marches on, whatever the weather. It's understandable:

• If they have had a disappointing, difficult or grievous year, the summer represents relaxation; 
• If their marriage has seemed confusing, strained or argumentative, summer gives them opportunities to find each other again; and
• If they are not sure what to do about a procedure, their doctor's summer vacation plans can be the deciding factor.

There are two reasons why you (especially if you are 35 or older) might want to go ahead with the fertility treatment you need, on schedule.

1. Your ovaries do not know that it's July/August; and
2. You will have lost 2 cycles and could regret it in the fall, when life/work will be busier.

Here are eight tips that could make a difference in how you enjoy and employ summer to work for you, even while going through your fertility regimen:

• Nutrition and Weight - Summer is a great time for making positive changes in your food. Lighter meals can make use of the freshest fruit and vegetables, meats and fish can be cooked on the bbq to reduce fat and there are free, healthy, summer recipes available on give-away cards in the supermarkets. Choose refreshing treats that are low fat/low processed sugar, so you don't feel left out of the group at meals and parties: watermelon, fat-free frozen yogurt, homemade lemonade, brewed iced tea, etc..
• Exercise - If you like going to a gym, keep it up. At least they are air-conditioned.  If you would rather be outside, you and your partner can spend some quality time together and be supportive of each other on a pre-mapped walking route, going for a swim or playing tennis. Dancing counts as exercise too, so see if there is a salsa class nearby. It's quite sexy.
• Job stress - If you want to make the most of summer days, change your routine. Change your arrival and departure times at work to allow you to fit in your visits to the clinic and some down-time. Create a more relaxed environment in which to work.  Meetings can be held outside, or if that's not possible, lunch on the patio to relax and promote good working relationships before the meeting inside.
• Relationship - Everything looks better with a little sunshine on it. If the two of you have been starving your relationship of fun, enthusiasm, intimacy, laughter and the friendship you thrive on, take it outdoors. Find outdoor entertainment, meet up with friends at sidewalk cafes, visit weekend-morning garage sales or flea markets, re-introduce spontaneity and put some effort into it.
• Finances - If fertility treatment is bleeding you dry financially, you could feel depressed or resentful. You deserve some time away! Instead of the 1 or 2 weeks you would like, pick 2 separate nights that you can go away this summer. Use sites like lastminute.com to get the best deal at a location which requires little travel. Take off after work, check in and relax, then go out for dinner, a walk, a film, people-watching, etc... Even better, book a hotel that has a spa where you can have a couples massage. When you go home, your re-entry into home life is smoothed by the knowledge that you have another night coming soon. 
• Mental space - If your concern is how mentally tired you feel, consider how difficult it would be to sustain a self-imposed ban on thinking or talking about your fertility treatment during your summer off. Instead, plan a wordless day in the week and ask your friends and family to respect it. Other effective ways to clear your head without stripping your bank account: anything that requires focused attention, like painting, sewing, sport, gardening, sudoku, etc. Set a small goal and finish it within the time allotted. You won't be over-thinking your issues while you are concentrating on what you are doing.
• Friendships - It can be really painful to be with your friends who already have children, and children are always present during the summer. At the same time, you don't want to not be invited. Take the lead and tell your friends that for this period of time, you would like to be given the choice of going, or not. Ask them not to be offended if you choose to stay away...just a bad day. It's also a good idea, if you can handle it, to go ahead to a family day out, reserving the option of leaving early. It builds resilience; give yourself points for every minute that you stay. Watch the kids and think "I'm going to have that one day too."
• Motivation and self-confidence - Self-talk can be positive or negative. Whichever you use is what you will have. Negative self-talk will get you nowhere good and can be quite self-destructive if you begin to believe it. If you desperately need to take a break from fertility treatment this summer, talk to your doctor about how you feel and ask his opinion of whether it could set you back and how much.  If your need has more to do with that tempting summer feeling, consider doing a simple exercise: Write down your negative self-talk and then rewrite it so that it reads like a positive, but realistic, script of your summer. Then, when you have been sufficiently motivated, get out there and live it. Keep your eye on the goal and have your fun too.

Whether you decide to take that break from trying to conceive over the summer or not, these tips can help you get through the unexpected bumps in the road. It's all about keeping all the different aspects of your life balanced, your thoughts positive, your priorities true and your plans flexible.

How I Use Twitter; one year on

Family and friends don't understand why I use Twitter.  I guess that, compared to those people who know virtually nothing about Twitter, I know quite a lot. Even when I bubble over about it, they look at me with raised eyebrows and hunched shoulders of the unconverted. But, among my more savvy and/or geeky friends, I am the one who asks endless questions (thanks especially to @AbsolutePA and @gina_romero) and learns by doing, in an often painstakingly slow trial and error. 

If you have yet to discover Twitter firsthand, or have only made half-hearted attempts at it, this is how I use Twitter and these are some of the people I follow.  I started by searching subjects I found interesting and if I liked what someone said, I followed them.  Through visiting their Twitter pages, I made my next level of decisions ("unfollow" is a great tool) and found other people to follow. 

I don't follow everyone who follows me, and I don't expect everyone I follow to follow me back.  If you do follow each other, you can comment on each other's tweets, and send each other either public or direct messages in Twitter "conversations."  After a while, it seems like we know each other, but it's also good to remember that you only see what someone else wants you to see. Unless you're in it just for the numbers, following is based upon the value of what appears on your Twitter page; I value useful content and networking, but also amusement, attitude, valuable links, friendship, finding "lost" friends from 20 years ago, keeping in touch with busy friends and laughs.

If you know nothing about Twitter and have no one to follow, you could do worse than to sign up and follow my friend Jane Milton, a.k.a. @foodnetworking. As far as I know, Jane makes the best use of Twitter, to do research, set up appointments, publicize her food industry networking group, re-tweet for her friends and colleagues, keep is in touch with her very full life and career (jetting off to the Cayman Islands, sailing around the Isle of Wight or enjoying the best food London has to offer.).

I have 2 Twitter pages, one with the username @lisamarsh and another username @yourgreatlife. There is a reason for that.  @lisamarsh is more for me as a woman, a wife, a mother, a writer, a networker, a friend.  @yourgreatlife is, for the most part, used for my life as a fertility coach, fertility advocate, support group leader, infertility, my frequent Miscarriage Support and Fertility Support Tips (now 128 of each), news about women's health, reproductive health, fertility treatment, relationship stress, links and more.

There are some grey areas, when I tweet something personal on @yourgreatlife, or something relating to fertility on my @lisamarsh page.  When you add up the number of followers from my two accounts, it means I can send my original content, or re-tweet someone else's to about 1,000 people. I sometimes follow people on both of my Twitter accounts, for no other reason than that it helps not to have to switch back and forth when looking for their posts. There is no distinct line between them because they are both me and life has fuzzy edges like that. 

This morning this tweet made me smile:

retreatsforyou Morning world - and tweeters. This morning I am completely captivated by beauty and colour of a huge bowl of blueberries and raspberries. 

I love this quote, posted by Naomi Richards, @thekidscoach:

Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.- Eleanor Roosevelt - fab quote! I "met" Naomi on Twitter and the unexpected bonus is that several months later, we met in person too.

This tweet caught my eye: PregnancyAssist Women Seek Holistic Approach to Fertility Over 40 http://bit.ly/bqYTRT  leading me to this press release: “I believe very strongly in an approach that includes the mind, body, and spirit. "Women facing fertility challenges need the support of a team that treats the whole person. Infertility is more than just a medical problem, it is an emotional and spiritual challenge that can exhaust even the strongest woman.” Oakland acupuncturist Maria Yung. She stated what I believe about infertility and the need for support and care, in as graceful a way as anyone could. 

Random tweets can take me where I didn't know I could go. After meeting Anne-Marie Mittelman, a virtual assistant in Hertfordshire, at an Athena Network meeting, I followed her on Twitter. This morning, she tweeted about an event she is attending this week. I asked for details and 45 minutes later, I had them:

 AVirtualAngel @lisamarsh Morning Lisa, the details [for the Inspired Entrepreneur event, Building a Successful Spare Time Business] are here: http://ow.ly/213Hk

This is one of my tweets from this morning. It wasn't sent out to any specific person; just to the Twitter-world.  I wonder if I will get an answer.

  lisamarsh Wd like advice on how 2 get rid of the fox visiting our garden + neighbors 4 past few wks. Last nite's bbq had 2 b moved inside. Kids scared 

Here's a great example of how Twitter helps us spread useful information to specific users, whether we follow each other or not:

 Original tweet: @Fertility_RMACT #Infertility, Sex and #Weight. Does it Get More Embarassing? http://hub.am/aZVNYJ2

I followed the link to Path to Fertility and Infertility, Sex and Weight:   

"Two uncomfortable subjects being discussed this week on this blog. Luckily, we have two wonderful experts to speak on the subject. Dr. Mark Leondires, Medical Director of Reproductive Medicine Associates of CT  and Carolyn Gundell, MS."

Not only am I interested in seeing what these 2 experts have to say, but I'm sure that some of my 735 or so followers of @yourgreatlife would be interested also. So, I re-tweeted the link, adding a few extra touches that will help people find it.

 My Re-Tweet: experts answer Q's RT @Fertility_RMACT #Infertility, Sex and #Weight. Does it Get More Embarassing? http://hub.am/aZVNYJ #fertility The hashtags will ensure that anyone searching for infertility, weight and/or fertility, will come across this tweet. (I didn't give sex a hashtag, because I doubt the Infertile community and those who work with fertility matters would search "sex" on its own. Also, #sex might lead to SPAM tweets coming to my page.)

Unexpectedly, Twitter also brings some quite special people into my life.  During National Infertility Awareness Week, @MiriamsHope tweeted a link to a video she produced for Resolve's (also see @StirrupQueen)  NIAW campaign "What IF?". I was blown away by Keiko Zoll's strength, creativity and vulnerability and contacted her.  We both mark that week as a transition within ourselves, from being one person wanting to raise some awareness of infertility, serve our individual needs and support others, to being a voice; stepping up to the challenge of being an advocate for fertility in a wider world.  If you haven't read Keiko's guest post, please do.  Now, we use Twitter to exchange information, support and develop a friendship, like these:

MiriamsHope Two bits of good news: formal offer going in first thing tomorrow morning & my m------- came back normal. #hallelujah

yourgreatlife @MiriamsHope That's as good a reason as any to feel celebratory. Wishing you all the best. L xxx

Finally, it's important to consider why someone would follow you. In an ideal world, all of your followers would be people who really want to know what you want to tweet about.  So, for instance, @lisamarsh would attract followers who think my perspective on family life is amusing or helpful, my opinions are interesting, we have similar interests in food, writing, days out, holiday cottages, best beaches, New Jersey, life in a London suburb and/or funny things my kids teach me.  Likewise, @yourgreatlife would attract followers who can benefit from my Support Tips, want to be alerted to my new blog posts, women who are trying to conceive, being treated for infertility, informed on all things fertility-related, or want to network with me. Not to mention, people who may want me to work with them...fertility clinics, peers in the field of fertility, women's magazines and clients.

I guess I'm pretty lucky that I haven't attracted too many spammers or completely inappropriate people who swear more than the very occasional "f---ing this and f---ing that."  I haven't indulged in the automated "add-followers" schemes. Even when I was intrigued enough by @DuncanBannatyne and his #duncansdream (was that it?), I still asked for followers who were interested in fertility matters. I think I gained 2 or 3 followers for that. I can't deny that I like when I log on and see I have gotten a few more followers, but I'm going for quality. (If you are already a follower, you ARE quality!)

I am by no means a Twitter expert, but I love it, I'm on it every day and yes, it has rewarded me with business contacts, news practically as it occurs, new acquaintances, a higher profile than I could achieve without it, a new friend or three, and more than a few laughs. I'm at a slight disadvantage, not having it on my phone, but as soon as I get an IPhone, I will be able to detach myself fom my PC and tweet, waiting for my children while they swim, tumble, trampoline, etc. Don't take my word for it. Try it. You'll like it. Why? Because it's fun and useful and you're worth it.