A Little Change Will Do Us Good
Last night I was blogging about the imminent Valentine’s Day and what it represents: romance, excitement, a little extra effort, attention paid to your relationship and memories. This morning, I realized that what I really wanted to say is that Valentine’s Day is really all about change.
Change is a word that can have you buzzing with excitement or dreading it like a molar that needs pulling. I would lay a bet down that more people prefer to avoid change, even if the place they are in, literally or figuratively, is not that great. Change is fearful, but those who embrace it know that risk can bring worthwhile rewards. The change I am suggesting here is adopting different attitudes and behaviour for this day than you usually display throughout the year. It needn’t be scary or difficult.
Valentine’s Day is the one holiday that doesn’t have us balancing the priorities of work, in-laws or meeting the guys down the pub (they will be with their wives). It’s not only acceptable, but also expected, that you don’t include anyone but the two of you in your plans. It lifts a couple up out of their routine and ignores the mundane actions we take on a daily basis. As a single woman or girlfriend, I had a few awkward Bridget Jones experiences; sometimes I got lavish attention while other years brought such disappointing V-Days I had a hard time swallowing from the tension. But marriage is supposed to change all that, isn’t it? It brings a sense of security that your other half will have to have noticed the ads for cards, flowers, restaurant specials and jewellery. Ha! The advertisers haven’t taken into account the tougher aspects of marriage, including miscarriages infertility, parenthood and tight finances. That’s where you come in.
In the first year in which a couple has begun their efforts to have a child, Valentine’s Day is a lovely way to reassure yourselves that you still adore each other. Your cards, your breakfast-in-bed tray complete with flower, your text messages and your evening celebration all speak the same language: “everything is fine, we will get past this, it hasn’t been a full year yet, I don’t blame you at all, and we love each other even more now for having gone through adversity together.“ There’s a certain “let’s ignore this and it will go away” collusion. After that first year, when anxiety has set in, and beyond, Valentine’s Day can feel like too much effort. That’s understood. Or maybe it’s not. One of you may believe that you both feel so miserable that no celebration would seem fitting; while the other believes that you have to stick your finger up at infertility and plans a surprise. Uh oh.
Fourteen (14) Tips For February Fourteenth (14th)
My number one tip here is to communicate, in words, not in body language. You aren’t dating and trying to impress. You probably aren’t giddy with the first blush of romance. You love and appreciate each other. You may be hoping your other half brings up the subject first. Take the plunge and say something.
2. Use Valentine’s Day as the excuse you may need to revitalize your relationship. Fertility issues can be very draining. You can get away with more overt gestures of love on the 14th of February than on any other day in the calendar, so do.
3. If Sunday is a day often spent with family, cross yourself off that guest list. This is a day for the two of you. Put each other first.
4. If you are staying home for dinner, make a change or two. Set the table with a few beautiful pieces. Add a candle. What you eat isn’t so important; being across from each other at the table is (NOT in front of the TV) so you can look straight at, or reach a hand across to, each other.
5. If you are going to dinner, don’t do the “I don’t care, you choose,” “No, you...” dance. Do care. If you usually go out to the local take-away with Formica tables for pizza, go to the pizza place with candle-lit tables in dark corners. The environment is important, whether at home or out.
6. Make some ground rules for the day: you may ask that ther be no infertility talk, no bringing up other people’s fertility issues, no apologies about being the one with the problems, possibly no tweeting of updates. Being and doing things together as a twosome, and leaving your followers patiently waiting until Monday, could show where your values lie.
7. Make a noticeable effort to look good. Marriage, comfort and long-term stress can divert your attention away from relatively superficial concerns. Leave the tracksuit and sneakers in the closet and put on something you know looks good on you. It makes such a difference to how you carry yourself.
8. Pull down the shades and put on some music. Dancing is a great way to initiate body contact. When is the last time you just relaxed in each other’s arms, with no agenda?
9. Valentine’s Day can be as simple or extravagant as you want. I find that restaurants never show their best side on these kinds of “theme” days. Another idea is to book in to a Spa for the day and swim and lunch together in between treatments. If you don’t have money to splash around, some low cost alternatives are a romantic
10. Make a little show of turning the answering machine on and the mobile phones off. Give each other 100% attention.
11. If you already have a child at home and no babysitter handy, write out an invitation for him (or her) to join you in the shower, at the dining table or on the sofa, for a private celebration 15 minutes after your child’s bedtime.
12. Men; do not let a woman go through an entire Valentine’s Day thinking you forgot, just so you can surprise her at 8 p.m. Her self-esteem may have taken a big hit from her miscarriage or infertility, so that very long day may add to her worries about your relationship.
13. Have fun! You can go back to the serious stuff the next day. Changing the way you relate to each other adds a little sparkle. It isn’t fake; it’s just less attention to your worries and more attention to what you have together.
14. If you enjoy the change, don’t stop with Valentine’s Day; repeat it. Unfortunately, it’s all too easy to say “we should do this more often.” Instead, how about scheduling a date night once a month when you can block out the world and focus on enjoying each other. Make sure it happens by drawing a little red heart on the day you choose for next month.
Hopefully, you are like two lovebirds and Valentine's Day is the icing on the cake, in which case you probably have it all figured out already. However, for those other couples whose infertility and/or miscarriage have taken a big toll on their relationship, the 14 tips above are a rescue remedy. Don't be afraid of showing how much you are still attracted to him. Revive some of the humour that has been missing for a while. Whether your Valentine's Day is tender, passionate, planned down to the last detail or lighthearted and spontaneous, the change will do you good.
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