How Surrogacy Relationships Work

I’ve been watching Addicted to Surrogacy on UK’s More 4. It’s not even over but, I can tell you that the film hasn’t lived up to its title. One surrogate, Amanda, is a single mother of three and was filmed during her first surrogacy arrangement. It’s obvious that Amanda isn’t addicted to anything.  She carried a boy, implanted as an embryo belonging to an English man and his multi-talented, Russian wife who was left unable to bear a child by leukaemia, from which she has now been cured. Truthfully, my attention was not on what Amanda was doing or how she felt about being a surrogate; it was on Olga who I thought was very opinionated, controlling and even rude. She announced on camera and in front of her husband Steven, that marriage is only worthwhile if you were going to have children, otherwise “what’s the point.”

 

Perhaps it’s a cultural thing. Olga displayed other strong opinions and a lack of emotional intelligence around Amanda's young children. She altered a drawing that one child had done of a cat. The child objected, to which Olga replied that at least she had improved it. Upon departure, when Edward was three days old, Olga didn’t want Amanda’s young children to kiss him, in case it woke him and he “started screaming.”  This was her third day as a mother; I’m glad I won’t know how this has turned out when the child is having proper tantrums as a three-year old.

 

The other two surrogates in the spotlight were 44 year old Jill and an American woman in Kansas, Tammy Lynn.  Jill was trying to conceive her eighth baby for the same couple who had already used her for Baby Number seven.  I can understand that; Dad and Jill would be the genetic parents to both children therefore; the two children would have the same genetic material as each other.  Not only that, but she is known to them.  It would be horrible to have to find someone new and place their trust in her, with some risk that it will work out. 

 

Jill inseminates herself at home with a syringe filled with the father’s sperm, which he produced in the next room.  By the end of the film, we had been told that after 18 months of trying, and one miscarriage, the couple decided to end the surrogacy arrangement.  Jill stays in touch and brings gifts to all of her biological children, which is apparently a once-a-year visit, but doesn’t want to raise children of her own. This satisfies the urge to be pregnant; she enjoys it.

 

Tammy Lynn was bearing twins for a 50 year old English woman, Janie, who works for the NHS, and her husband Peter.  Janie has tried to have a child for 25 years. Tammy Lynn seemed totally serene and clear about why she was doing surrogacy, saying that even if she has doubts, they were outweighed by the feeling she got each time she handed over the baby to the parents, knowing she gave them the gift of parenthood.  Janie, on the other hand, was portrayed as a highly-strung, very controlling person.

 

We see them, for the first time, visiting Tammy Lynn during her pregnancy. A voice-over tells us that the previous visit didn’t go well, possibly because of expectations that weren’t fulfilled.  The atmosphere felt very tense, all the way into my living room.  The birth was a Caesarean, so Janie and Peter were on hand, however, Tammy Lynn chose her own husband to be with her in the operating theatre.  That didn't seem to go down well with Janie and Peter. They waited for their babies in an adjoining room, where Janie was shown pacing, gaunt and wringing her hands.  I could see it from both sides, but in the end, the fact that Tammy Lynn was having a surgical procedure and had been through these births previously swayed me toward her side.

 

It may all be in the editing, but in this film, the surrogates come off as much more sympathetic and likeable, than the prospective mothers. It just makes me wonder why they used Addicted to Surrogacy as the title; was it merely to entice viewers?  The surrogates each handled themselves differently, but I think that was down to personality, age and experience.  Amanda cried after giving baby Edward to Olga and Steven. Tammy Lynn spent a little while with Janie, Peter and the baby in the hospital, but then relinquished babies number 6 and 7 to their care, tenderly but seemingly without regret. No addiction there either. 

 

I was happy to have more insight into what the surrogacy arrangement means to the people involved.  It is such a sensitive situation, fraught with risk, contractual obligations (not shown here at all), personality clashes and a certain amount of desperation on the part of the infertile women.  It's a supplier - consumer relationship in which the future parents are paying for and  which, under other circumstances, they would be entitled to dictate, supervise and have a money-back guarantee. However, in this case, the surrogate is a person with a life, responsibilities and style of her own and there is no money-back guarantee on a child.

 

As is typical of me, I was scribbling notes about how, as a fertility coach/advocate, I could help people in this type of relationship achieve better synergy with each other, through better communication of their desires, hopes and needs.  It’s difficult for people to do that on their own, especially when the couple does not want to endanger the relationship with the woman bearing their child. I thought I might  feel a little kindred spirit with the infertile couples in a "there but, for the grace of God, go I" way. It didn't happen. 

 

I found myself empathizing with both the surrogate and the parents.  Quite complex. It does make me wonder whether spending time together is worthwhile.  These people don't have to be friends and wouldn't be under normal circumstances.  It happens, I believe, because the future mother needs a lot of reassurance that it is finally going their way, after years, perhaps of trying to conceive on their own.  I find it especially strange for the surrogate's own children to be a part of that pre-birth visit.  Will their behaviour at a dinner table give the couple insight into how their child will behave? Hardly.  Maybe just passing on genetic tests and information about interesting talents, mannerisms and medical history is enough. I will look deeper into surrogacy  to find out more.