Nine "What Ifs" of Mine

I came upon the Project IF too late in the month to participate.  Resolve and Melissa Ford of Stirrup-Queen fame launched Project If to bring attention to and coincide with National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) from April 14 - 21, 2010. The idea was to name the What Ifs of infertility that, in Melissa's words; "keep knocking around inside your heart, keeping you awake at night, and allow the larger community to commiserate, empathize and carry your burden by reading your words." Over 400 people posted a What If by the deadline of April 16th.  While too late to submit mine to the Project, I have decided to put my What Ifs out anyway. So here we go.

I want to say beforehand that my Ifs don't keep me awake at night anymore, and I don't need anyone to commiserate with me (to express sympathy) or to "carry my burden," but I'll go with empathy if you like.

1. What If I had been informed at an earlier time and younger age, that women are born with the full supply of eggs that they will have for a lifetime?
2. What If, the doctors I consulted in my 20's about my two-week menstrual cycle (yes, twice a month) had actually treated me for it, instead of dismissing it, over a period of approximately 7 years? Would I have had enough good quality eggs left, when I began trying to conceive at 36 years old, to not experience recurrent miscarriage and secondary infertility?
3. What If I had been living in the United States, rather than in the U.K., during my first 3 miscarriages? Would a doctor have tested me and the foetus from the first pregnancy and diagnosed the problem?
4. What If I had known that I was pregnant that first time, when I had several spa treatments while on vacation, that my pregnant sister-in-law was not allowed to have?
5. What If my IVF cycle had been successful? Would I not have my bright, beautiful, funny, socially confident, physically cautious son who was conceived naturally 3 months later?
6. What If I had had a fertility coach of my own when we were going through this awful period in our marriage and our life? Would we have coped with our emotions and communicated better than we did?
7. What If I had been given a medical explanation for my recurrent miscarriages?  Would I still have wondered why God didn't want me to have a baby; be a mother?  Would I not have lost my belief in God back then?
8. What If I had not heard Michael J. Fox's quote on being diagnosed with Parkinsons Disease ; "People always ask me if I say to myself 'Why Me?' and I tell them, 'Why not me?"' Would I still be feeling sorry for myself, as if the infertility chose me personally?
9. What If I had never been plagued with miscarriage and infertility? Would I have ever experienced the interest, knowledge and certainty that I can help people through these crises, lightening their burden and allowing them to discover the strength inside them and change some of their beliefs about what parenting means?

I'm stopping there, even though there isn't a tidy, round number of What Ifs? I may think of more after this, or wonder what made me write one of these nine, but there will always be thoughts like that.  I just want to make a few things clear: these are thoughts and not regrets or complaints. I have the family I want and love. I have the first work/life balance that fulfils me and which I can do 7 days a week and far into the night, without being bored or resentful of it.  I have a few scars, but I am a survivor; more resilient, compassionate and dedicated to something outside myself my work as a fertility coach and writer, than before.

My present life began with the birth of my daughter and was set on its course with the birth of my son. All is as it should be now.