In my
last blog post; ‘Nothing is absolute in the world of Infertility’ I talked
about the IF community being inclusive, not exclusive. I wondered if you (individually) would
include, under the Infertile umbrella, a woman who has:
- Miscarried repeatedly, so is
not technically infertile because she is able to conceive. She still
doesn't have the ability to carry a baby to term; to life. In or out?
- Had an abortion previously,
but now can't get pregnant. In or out?
- History of recurrent
miscarriages, birth of first child, secondary infertility and unsuccessful
IVF, but then had a 2nd child, like me. In or out?
- Has had successful fertility
treatment and is now pregnant... In or out?
- Is now a mother, having been
able to have a child (or children) through assisted conception. In or out?
- Is the wife or girlfriend of
an infertile man who is trying to conceive? In or out?
I also told
you that I make a practice of referring to women with recurrent miscarriages as
Infertile, even though they do not fit the scientific definition. Why?
Because:
- These women also lack what
infertile women do; their own baby.
- They feel many of the same
emotions as infertile women, including, but not limited to confusion,
anger, low self-esteem, fear, guilt, or self-loathing.
- They encounter the same type
of ignorance about their condition, such as “whose fault is
it?", "it wasn't meant to be," I'm sure you will be lucky
this time.", "just relax" or "you can always adopt."
- They feel isolated and
sometimes even freakish, especially when around other pregnant women or
mothers.
- They experience the same
type of marital and financial stress that infertile couples do.
I assume
that I would be accepted by the IF community because of my fertility history,
even though I am a mother now. But,
perhaps you don’t. I am no longer trying to conceive. Do you think "she's
had 2 children...she’s not one of us anymore, she's not a true Infertile?"
I can tell you that infertility is a significant part of who I am.
I talk openly about my experiences in order to advocate awareness in young people about their bodies and bodily functions, how to achieve optimum health for conception early on and how to decide which path to follow. I advocate acceptance of yourself and of others. Infertility has certainly played a large part inmy work as a specialist fertility coach. It helps me to understand how deep my clients' emotions and belief systems go, necessary changes of beliefs, attitudes and behaviour in order to conceive and how else I can help them with their family-building. I don't generally like to label people, because it takes attention away from their individual needs. However, sometimes a label is useful, as long as you realize that the other person may not agree with your opinion about it, i.e. are you in or out?
I would really like to see your comments on the section above that asks "In or out?"
i must have missed the 999 discussion, but it sounds like it struck a chord with you. my husband is asooz and we are most definitely infertile. i've never had anyone question my 'inclusion' in this 'club'. (with the singular exception of the CDC infertility website, that failed to reference male factor infertility until I requested that they update their description to include the role of sperm in achieving pregnancy.) To the contrary, I have been welcomed in the kindest most gentle ways into the 'IF club". I would argue that all of the scenarios you describe would be welcomed as well. The pain of this experience has changed me, i will never have a 'normal' pregnancy, nor will I be the parent I imagined, I am fundamentally changed by this experience.
Posted by: foxy | July 03, 2010 at 05:25 AM
If I had a tale that I could tell you, I'd tell a tale sure to make you smile;If I had a wish that I could wish for you I'd make a wish for sunshine all the while.
Posted by: coach purses | July 03, 2010 at 08:04 AM
Hi Foxy,
It's great to hear how one person can initiate change. The IF community will all be served better because of your tenacity with the CDC.
The '999' discussion can be accessed through the hyperlinks I provided, or by searching Infertile Naomi on Facebook.
The comments struck a chord with me, as you say, because of my work with women challenged by secondary infertility. They are regularly hurt by the taboo comment; "Well, at least you have the one child", even from other infertile women. But it's not like wanting an extra TV in your house. Wanting another child doesn't diminish your love for your first child. I have also spoken to women who are very isolated in their circumstances. If they make an innocent, misinformed comment based upon what they have been told will help them conceive, they would probably be devastated by a backlash like the one I mentioned.
I am really glad to hear that your experience with the online IF community has been all positive, as it should be.
Posted by: Lisa | July 03, 2010 at 12:15 PM
LOVE THIS POST!
I did a similar one a while back just talking about the infertility prejudice that sometimes takes place. It's only to be expected considering how sensitive and personal this fight has been for so many people. All that sensitivity leads to some very strict beliefs about what IF actually is for them.
I've seen people shy away from those who don't publicly list every cycle on their blog, or someone who has only a "fear" of infertility but not an actual experience yet. Christian infertiles downgrading LGBT TTC's. It's crazy. Thanks for pointing this post. I too regard miscarriage as a part of infertility. In fact, impaired fecundity is the term that includes them both and I try to tell people about that.
Hopefully, the more work we do, the better it will all be.
Posted by: Mrs.Tiye | July 03, 2010 at 02:27 PM
Thanks for this post, Lisa. I fall into two of your categories above, and have yet to experience any exclusion from the IF community.
My husband AND I have Male Factor Infertility. In conceiving a child, it takes both of us to make a total, functioning, unit, so if the sperm aren't swimming properly, then that's my problem, too! And ultimately, the solution is IUI or ICSI, which means I get put through the (overall) same medical treatments as other Infertile women. After 2.5 yrs of infertility and 2 IUIs, I did get pregnant, and miscarried, then got pregnant w/o IUI (like you said-no absolutes!), and miscarried again. But just because I got pregnant doesn't make our MFI go away. We still have to confront our defective spermies in trying to get pregnant again.
In my experience, the IF community has understood, and even appreciated this, and, as far as I know, has embraced me! I had one other Infertile respectfully ask me if I still considered myself an Infertile, and we had a great discussion about it-that's the only "confrontation" I've had. Then again, I try to avoid the specific forums and conversations where it seems the most dysfunctional of us congregate. I have no room in my life for such negativity.
I believe the Infertile Path (hmm. Think I'll add a copyright here if no one else has claimed it yet!) is physically different for every single one of us, and yet the same in so many ways, including emotionally. I include everyone you have listed above as an Infertile. Like you said, It's about how you define yourself. I feel the same way about being a Mother. If you consider yourself a Mother, then you are. I have two miscarried babies in heaven, and I am both an Infertile and a Mother.
Posted by: Jamie | July 03, 2010 at 03:24 PM
Hi Jamie and Mrs Tiye, I am so heartened by your (and Foxy's) posts, but of course I read your Tweets and blogs, so I am aware that you both support and are supported by other IF's. How I wish you women had been around when I was struggling with IF and miscarriage issues!
If I didn't make it clear enough in the blog, there is a huge community of incredible people out there who are generous in spirit and vocally supportive of other IF women and men, of any marital status or gender preference, trying to create a family of choice. It's better than it's ever been.
I'm not Ms Politically Correct. I don't mind stepping forward and being unpopular (to some extent...I actually really want everyone to love me, but I'm working on that needy bit of myself). I know that others are as entitled to their unique opinions as I am to mine. I merely ask those in the opposite camp to stop before you rant; keep an open mind and an open heart and educate the uninformed so they learn what you need them to know and understand.
Thanks you both for commenting. I'm always happy to hear from and learn from you.
Lisa
Posted by: Lisa | July 04, 2010 at 12:14 AM