Let me get this out of the way first: I am a little put off by how forceful some of the other parents have been in asking how we are ordering our school choices on the application. The closest I have come to asking how others are going to fill out their forms is "What did you think of School X, or Y?" In contrast, I have been stopped in the playground, on the street and while picking my child up at a play date and asked, very forthrightly, "What are you putting for number 1, 2, 3?" and so on. Then there is the reaction; "Well, of course, your children are very bright." That always makes me a little embarrassed; while I don't want to sell my kids short, I don't exactly walk around telling everyone how bright I think they are. My reaction is to say something awfully apologetic, like "you should see the arguments we have over his/her homework ...just like any other kid." You don't want to sound too confident that your child will get your first-choice school. I just wish I felt confident.
By far, the worst reaction I can get from someone to my list of schools is "Oh, really?" I don't need anyone else to second-guess my decisions because I spend enough time doing that myself. What? Did I miss something that you're dying to tell me? Tell all.
If I am drawn into conversation about the school applications, I am completely unable to stonewall or lie. I just can't. So, it soon becomes clear that my husband and I do not always agree about a school visit (I know what I saw and heard; where is he coming from?), the weight to give various aspects of the school, the necessity for a strong extra-curricular program, fees and the way a school "feels." He and I will work it all out in the end, as we always do, but arguing is part of the process for us. Isn't it funny that these people, the type who would have you think that they never have a different opinion than their partner, always have to "rush off, darling...so much to do," when you ask how their decision-making process is going? It should either be tit-for-tat or a strict, don't ask/don't tell policy.
I'm relieved that we are nearly finished with school visits. As much as they need to be done, they are rather tedious. They all follow a similar pattern: you listen to the Head talk about the school, possibly a Deputy Head as well, and then a few students who speak about how someone buddied them on the first day and everyone has been so friendly, but most of all, the teachers make them feel excited about what they are learning and there are so many fantastic clubs you can join. We were laughing the other day about how our daughter sleeps through them with her eyes open, when she launched into a rendition of the "Head's talk" practically verbatim. Then, you are assigned a student who guides you around the school with a photocopied map and some instructions. Sometimes the tour comes first and the talk afterward.
Who you are assigned as a guide can make all the difference. My child tends to be self-conscious whenever I open my mouth, so it's a godsend if the student guide engages with her directly. At one school, the guide was personable and inspiring, while at another, I had to practically pull teeth to get a conversation going. She spoke so quietly that I lied and told her to speak up as I am a little hard of hearing, causing my daughter to do the exaggerated eye-roll. My advice: if you get a guide who is a waste of time, regardless of how sympathetic you feel toward their plight, ditch them. You can tell them you want to linger in the science lab to watch the experiments or start up a conversation with a teacher and tell them they can go on without you. Better still, if you see a guide who is confident and animated, attach yourself to their group and keep moving. You only have a limited time to visit these schools, so make the most of it.
The benefit of the school visits has been a few surprises. The private school reputed to have a pressure-cooker atmosphere has much better pastoral care than expected. Time spent talking with teachers there shed a lot of light on the level of instruction, personal attention and independent study allowed students. The local comprehensive with the very good reputation felt less cohesive; it's student guide the least confident and poised. However, the teachers seemed really on the ball. I wish I had seen their commitment and inspiration in the students.
The work displayed in another reputable, comprehensive school was sub-standard to my eyes. The faith school that I have always wished didn't have such a strong attraction for my daughter and her friends, just because of my own unease with one-faith schools, presented itself in such a positive way that I have had to rethink my position. The brand-new school with much-touted facilities and "cream of the crop" staff feels like an airport, has disturbingly empty rooms and didn't prove it had a soul. The emphasis on faith, though it was repeatedly stressed how inclusive it was, was too much for me.
All in all, the secondary school visits are absolutely essential and can't be dismissed in favour of the prevailing opinion making its way around the primary school playground. Go on what you don't see or feel, as much as on what you do. You don't generally get another shot at starting your child off at secondary school; the place into which you will send them at the tender age of eleven and watch them grow. This isn't a decision they can make on their own, not fully understanding the consequences of the choice. It's about them, but ultimately, it's up to you.
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