There was a news item recently about a sperm donor who is involved in litigation over access to the two children conceived through artificial insemination using his sperm. He had placed an advertisement in the Gay Times newspaper, stating that he was a gay male in a happy relationship, looking for a similar female couple who want to have kids. The children are now 7 and 9 years old.
In this situation, there was apparently an agreement for some degree of co-parenting. Unfortunately, relations subsequently broke down and the women tried to rescind the agreement, forcing the father to get a court order in June this year. He won the right to see his children for almost half a year. The women are appealing the shared residency order.
We all know that any relationship can break down and that the fallout can be extremely difficult for father, mother and children. The complications usually arise from the emotional rift between the parents who, in all likelihood, once loved each other and intended to live together as a family. While lacking the personal hurt and emotional desertion, there are a whole host of other complications that can potentially arise from the breakdown of a donor/recipient relationship.
In some ways, it may seem that the very nature of donor/recipient relationships are clear-cut in a way that a love relationship cannot be. You would think that all parties would have had ample time to discuss their desires and expectations and agree important aspects of the relationship before the children are born. However, no contract can really take into account the potential changes that people will go through as they age, as their relationships evolve and as the children grow up. While at least the donor/recipient don't have to deal with the particular ill will of a love relationship that has soured, they still have to work through unrealized expectations of each other as parents to their shared children.
If you are contemplating being a sperm donor to a known recipient, i.e. giving your sperm to a female acquaintance so she can conceive, or receiving donated sperm from a known male donor, through a private agreement, it's advisable to have your own legal advisor.
- If the donation is completely altruistic and free of any intention to share parenting rights and responsibilities, there should be a written agreement that reflects this. Regardless, under current legislation, upon turning 18 years old, the child will have the right to seek the identity of their biological father.
- If the donor wants to be involved in his biological child's upbringing, this intention should be stated from the very beginning and an agreement as to the extent of his involvement put in writing, signed by both parties and witnessed.
- Discuss access to the child, which could include co-parenting, visitation rights, holidays together or merely the agreement that one day, after a specified age, the child could reach out to meet his/her biological father. Contingencies should be discussed, such as whether the mother can move residence to a location out of the donor father's reach for visitation.
- Try to anticipate the fundamental issues involved in bringing up any child, such as what religion they will be raised in, who will have a say in medical decisions for their health and welfare, who is entitled to make decisions regarding their education, who can apply for a passport on their behalf and who will be named as their guardian if the custodial parent is incapacitated or deceased.
- Discuss financial responsibility for the child, including maintenance and education, including whether there are any contingencies, and until what age the responsibility is in force.
- Talk about emotive issues like gift-giving, especially if there is a disparity in the financial means of the donor father and the recipient mother/parents. Are gifts welcome at all? Do they have to be approved by the custodial parent? Should financial gifts be made directly or through a Trust?
- Agree who will be regarded as siblings, half-siblings and grandparents.
- A woman who is in need of donor sperm to conceive may make concessions during an agreement with a known donor out of desperation. For example, she may regret those concessions once she is a mother and raising a child without the benefit of child support from the donor father, or she may regret agreeing to visitation because of a different views regarding the best interests of the child. Either way, a change of mind is bound to upset someone and may be best mediated by a third party.
There are so many more areas to cover that this only scratches the surface. Even if everything above is covered by a written agreement before the child is born, one cannot anticipate what the child himself will think of the way in which he was conceived. It's unlikely that he will wish it had never happened, as that would mean his own non-existence, however, he could wish it away, preferring to love and honour his biological mother and her partner, if any, to the exclusion of the biological donor father. What if the child identifies strongly with the donor parent and wants more access to him than any of the parties originally anticipated? The worst imaginable situation, would be for the child to become a pawn, moved back and forth by parents whose amicable relationship has ceased.
There are several sources of support, information and guidance for donor-conceived children and their families:
- The Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority is a UK government reglatory body. http://www.hfea.gov.uk/23.html
- Donor Conception Network is a self-help network of over 1,300 families created with the help of donated eggs, sperm or embryos; couples and individuals seeking to found a family this way; and adults conceived using a donor. http://www.donor-conception-network.org/
- Altrui provides a professional service to find altruistic egg donors for people who need donated eggs or sperm to help them start a family, and may provide an alternative for you to using a known donor. http://www.altrui.co.uk
- There is a service that helps people find their "perfect parenting partners" which has a good section on their website listing frequently asked questions and answers for people to consider. http://co-parentmatch.com
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