There's nothing like a little food for thought with your morning coffee, which is why I was happy to read Kindness: why people need it, in the December issue of Psychologies Magazine. Generally, it's a good reminder of the value of kindness, which we could all use. That wasn't what caught my eye, though. It was the assertion that painful events leave stronger impressions on the mind than happy ones. This was supported by a quote from American evolutionist Stephen Jay Gould, who said "One wicked action cancels out, in our perception, 10,000 acts of kindness." It struck me first as incredibly sad, all the moreso because I fear it could be true for most people.
Thinking back to school, I remember certain teachers by a single instance of using a harsh tone of voice that crushed my fragile child's ego, especially the gym teacher who taunted me for being useless at climbing the ropes. I clearly remember a certain boy who once made fun of me when I wet my pants in kindergarten, aged 4, but nothing else about him. A relationship that ended in heartbreak seems more significant in shaping my expectations of men than the one in which we agreed amicably that we should just be friends. For quite a long time, these incidents seemed to define me and I took on the shame, embarrassment, insecurity and weakness associated with them. Now I know that it doesn't have to be this way, because, while I haven't forgotten the incidents, the emotion surrounding them is gone. They happened to me, but in some ways, a different me.
In contrast, I have observed certain friends over the years picking themselves up and brushing themselves off after hurtful incidents, rejection, grief and failure with less fuss, less self-pity and more forgiveness than most. It seems to be part of their make-up; their emotional wiring. It's not that they don't feel the negativity as deeply; they just don't hold on to it in the same way. I have no doubt that these friends of mine, and others you may know, are better off than those people who hold a grudge, continue to feel the same level of pain or offence and dwell on the 1 cruel act out of 10,000 kind ones. There is less turmoil in their systems. There is a lightness in their step. The rest of us can wear pain and hurt like a heavy blanket, dragging us down. At its mildest, you invite labels like "drama queen." At worst, it separates you, like a Caution sign that tells other people to tread carefully, lest they re-open your wound in some way. Even after we think we have gotten over something painful, a chance reminder can momentarily bring back the pain like the twist of a knife. However, even if you are not one of the lucky people who have learned on their own to move through their pain toward happiness, you can still learn to do it now.
Think of the most painful incidents in your life, interpreting pain however you like. It's useful to list them. We are really talking about emotional pain here, but it may help you understand ourself better if you look at incidents of physical pain and how you processed those memories also. I have memories of pain associated with injections, dental work, incisions and stitches that have resurfaced throughout my life, causing me to fear even what I know now is not as painful in reality as the memory. Just as I used those memories as justification not to have flu shots, fix a tooth and have a knee operation, I used my emotional responses to painful events to justify not stepping forward when opportunities presented themselves professionally, socially and personally. I'm grateful that I had a few people in my life who showed me ways to take the intensity out of those emotions so they no longer have power over me.
Without doubt, the most painful incidents in my life were surrounding my multiple miscarriages and infertility, including not only the events themselves, but also interpersonal incidents surrounding them. I know that if I continued to feel the sharpness of that pain now, I would not be able to function and I would no longer be married. As grief and anger turned into acceptance over time, I was able to put some of it behind me in order to find the happiness that I have now. The sadness remains, but put into the context of my life as it is now, I can say with some relief that the pain has nearly been eclipsed. I believe that we can all choose how we process our emotions. So, even if you think right now that you will never feel better after losing a baby, or never be happy until you are pregnant or have become a parent, never say "never." You can heal, by seeing the worthiness of other aspects of your life, refusing to manifest other peoples' insensitive remarks, giving yourself credit for your courage and by nuruturing yourself, among other kindnesses.
Shifting pain can take quite a lot of mental energy, but if it all seems like too much hard work, just think how burdensome the negative feelings are that you carry around. The built-up fear, anxiety, stress, disappointment, self-blame, hopelessness and anger around miscarriages and failed cycles can lead you to shut down different parts of yourself for self-protection. The emotional issues are manifested in physical ailments, such as headaches, stomachaches, stiff neck, lethargy or insomnia. Is it any wonder that you may have difficulty conceiving if you are holding on to all that? You have a right to feel the way you feel, but it's not necessarily right to feel that way forever. Not if it takes away your joy in living, takes priority over the good aspects of your relationships or keeps you from getting what you want and deserve.
Think of the person you were before you were hurt in this way. Were you calmer, more patient, kinder to others, more open to possibility and trusting? It would be worth a little hard work to re-gain that image of yourself, wouldn't it? The focus here is not on suppressing your true emotions, but on releasing them. In order to do that, you have to first acknowledge and feel them. In coaching, some gentle questioning can help you reveal the painful event where those emotions have taken hold and stuck firmly. Various coaching theories and methods exist, including cognitive behavioral therapy and NLP, which can then help you shift those emotions, so that they cease to block your progress and your happiness. I have had some really positive results with EFT as well, which uses a non-invasive stimulation of meridian points (similar to acupuncture but without the use of needles) using coaching to help reveal the specific, painful event and identify the emotions around it, and then EFT to help release that emotion. It's a really positive step forward.
How does this all fit in with kindness? Holding on to pain is the antithesis of being kind to yourself. You cannot be a happy person while you store up resentments, think of yourself as a victim, or believe the negativity someone else has sent your way. Take steps to change that thinking and positive changes in your behaviour will soon follow. Be patient, generous and respectful of yourself. Challenge yourself to be better and do better; then use the confidence that comes with success to push you a step further. Be kind to others and reap the reward of knowing you have made a difference in the way they see the world. Even if, as Gould says, the one cruel act cancels out the 10,000 kindnesses, that is just in perception, not in reality. Every kind act you do, however tiny, helps you feel better about yourself and humanity, even if the feeling is stored away and given little attention. So, how about trying to cancel one cruel act with 10,00 kindnesses?
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