your great life

Are you proud of yourself?

With parents phoning me these past few months about art lessons for their children, I have noticed a worrying pattern. Quite a few of them have conveyed serious angst over their child's supposed inability to draw. Initially, my first question was whether the child wanted to come to art class. I no longer ask this of the parent. The same anxious parents also have a tendency to make an apologetic or otherwise negative comment to me, or to their child in front of me, about the artwork he or she has done in our first session. I have had a parent ask me conspiratorially; "how bad was it?" What child would want to put themselves in line for this kind of confidence-shattering review by their parent? No wonder the kid wouldn't draw at home!

I was reminded of this during the week, when I received a call from my daughter's art teacher. She was concerned because my husband had criticized a piece of work that our daughter is doing. She didn't refute the correctness of his observations about scale and proportion; merely, the delivery and its crushing effect on a 12-year old. Sure enough, my daughter had come home with a grumpy face and mumbled that "Daddy was horrible about [her] dolphin."

Like my husband, the parents of my art students are not awful, unloving people. They are achievement-oriented. Unfortunately, they have gotten in the habit of emphasizing the standard of the finished product over the joy and effort that went into creating it. They also hold their child's ability to an adult standard of perfection. I have witnessed the immediate dampening effect this has on a child's enthusiasm and self-esteem. Faces fall, pictures are shoved into the folder or left behind, accidentally on purpose and the joy of experimentation is replaced by the fear of doing something wrong. It's slightly heartbreaking.

Granted, the pictures are not always beautiful. Shapes are wobbly, colours are muddy, objects lack dimension and body parts don't necessarily connect in all the right places. But as the weeks go on, children learn to handle the materials, compose a pleasing picture and gain insight into proportion and perspective. It all comes in time. I find myself on a mission to reinforce the kids' self-esteem as much as their drawing and painting skills. Everyone discusses their artwork; what they plan to do, how it's going and whether it has come out the way they hoped it would. I make a point of asking:

• Are you happy with your work?
• What did you learn today?; and
• Did you have fun?

When they are finished, they sign and date their piece... a simple act that lets them "own" it and also creates a pictorial timeline, so they can go back and review how they are improving.

The weight of parental expectations can be very heavy. If your child lacks self-confidence, ask yourself whether your reaction to their efforts is supportive, positive and motivational. If they feel they can't please you, they may stop trying. If you can't find anything positive to say, a genuine smile and a hug will do the trick. Whether it's about a drawing, a homework assignment, the way they have handled a friendship issue or any challenge they take on, I prefer to take the emphasis off the adult's judgment. Ask the child; "Are you proud of yourself?"

This is not one of THOSE New Year's posts

I want to say the first hello of 2012 and thank all of you who kindly visited my blog in 2011 and some who may have contributed a comment. You are greatly appreciated.

You may have noticed that I haven't written much lately. There were times in the past when that would have made me feel guilty, embarrassed or apologetic. These days, it just means I have had other things which required my attention and energy and I'm okay with that.

I find that, periodically, it's necessary to step back and take a look at what I'm doing and whether it's working, make adjustments and move forward again. This autumn, that type of reflection generated a realization that I needed a new creative outlet and different way of working. I gathered up all my dusty art materials and began painting again. I also began to teach art lessons to children. I started in September with 1 student, and now I have 12! I have also delivered my very first commissioned painting to a very happy client, which is something I have always dreamed of doing.

You may wonder why I am telling you this, when Your Great Life is largely about family-building, parenting and fertility. Even a life coach gets stuck sometimes. I have to remind myself to reflect and re-assess the way my life is going and take steps to improve it. Sometimes the impetus is necessity or opportunity, and other times it is another person whose objectivity reveals something I haven't recognized myself. In my case, it was all three. While moving my desk, bookshelves and various boxes into my new office, I came across my paintbrushes and various pads and canvasses. When my own children started asking when we could paint again, my initial reaction was that we didn't have the room and I didn't want the mess. However, the seed was planted and suddenly, I was itching to paint and the 3 of us were planning projects. A friend said she thought other children would love to participate as well and the idea was born. Room was found for the supplies, flyers were printed and the family routine was adjusted to accommodate after-school lessons.

One result of my tentative foray into art lessons has been a love of working with children, whose art often yields unexpected insight into their self-image and esteem. Far more important to me than whether they can draw a straight line, or even whether they are happy with what they have produced on any given day, is their willingness to try and fail as part of the creative process. While these particular children are not coaching clients, I am beginning to see how art can be a wonderful coaching tool.

It may be that during the next year, you find yourself in need of a change. Look at what nurtures you and opportunities to bring that back into your life. I'm having more fun than I have in a while and finding peace and fulfillment in my painting. I wish you as much.

December already?

Today is the 1st of December, which is hard to believe, as we have only really had one hat-and-gloves day so far. Nevertheless, the calendar doesn't lie and it signals me that I have to get organized... for menu planning and gift shopping for the holidays, for the kids' break from school (one of mine is off for 24 days!), for my art workshops, and to start the new year off right. In case you are coming up with a blank in any of these areas, these are some of my ideas:

1. Calendars/Diaries - I need 2 of these every year; 1 for my desk and 1 for my handbag. For the desk version, I have bought the same one for the past 5 years, during my August visit to NJ, at Barnes & Noble: Pam Socolow's Family Facts. It's a plastic covered ring binder with week at a glance, address book, helpful pages of lists like car pool, activities, quick contacts and places we like, and a few pages of stickers for things like appointments and birthdays. Ifyou can find it for 2012, it's great. Unfortunately, this year I was let down, as B&N didn't have it in stock when I was in the States. So, I've been searching for a similar system to replace it. I think I may have found it here:

For handbags, I'm still pleased with my brown, faux snakeskin Filofax pocket organiser, received as a Christmas gift last year from my M-I-L, so I will be ordering the 2012 insert. It packs a punch, at only 11.5 X 14.5 cm (4 1/4 X 5 3/4 inches), but with surprisingly large spaces on its week-at-a-glance pages, address book, International information (metric to US equivalents and Fahrenheit to Celsius!) and even a tiny ruler.

This Ultra-Violet one comes gift-wrapped with a mini-pen for £30.

I'm all for combining gift buying with charitable giving, where possible. So, if you know anyone who would be thrilled to have a bright pink diary, consider this one that benefits the Breast Cancer Campaign, a registered charity in England and Wales (no. 299758). For every organiser sold, Filofax will donate £2.20 to Breast Cancer Campaign.

2. Experiences - It seems to me as if gifts are getting more impersonal all the time. I'm not sure if this is for convenience or if they think it's truly better to let someone choose their own gift. I think it's a bit of a shame to oversaturate kids with Am.azo.n and i.tunes giftcards... surely their delight wanes after opening the first few? If you must, why not choose a gift voucher with a difference? For families e, I like the idea of giving them a more active sort of experience: consider buying them gift vouchers for indoor skiing, ice-skating, an indoor waterpark (there's one called Gulliver's SplashZone in Milton Keynes) and climbing walls, or signing them up for a holiday art course (I happen to be running several, each based on a different artist). For adults e, you can buy a driving experience at Brands Hatch racetrack, or a spa voucher. (I know which one I'd rather receive!)

3. Pamper and refresh - If your budget doesn't stretch to a whole day, but you want to give your girlfriend, mother or other woman in your life a luxuriously renewing, individual spa treatment, there are many wonderful practitioners around who offer gift vouchers e. If you happen to live in my area of North London/Harrow/SouthHerts, I recommend Teresa Maybury for superb, expert facials using Dr Belter products, in her private and calming space in Rayners Lane, and Julia Jenkins in Croxley Green for massage; especially her Lava Shells treatments.

4. For women on the go, there may possibly be no better gift e than these 2 items I found on the Dynagirl website: e Fizpouch, an organiser for cellphone, makeup and glasses that can be moved from handbag to handbag (briefcase, student book bag or whatever. I like this one in metallic bronze but it also comes in red, black, brown, pink and cream. And e their own-brand SupaSoles; foldable ballet flats that are a lifesaver for anyone who goes out in heels, but limps home in pain.

5. Jewellery she won't have seen in the shops, from American company Stella & Dot, now in the UK

6. Thinking outside the box - Got a really challenging person to shop for? Sometimes the most clever gifts don't come in a box ! How about...

e a winter-readiness car service,

e a special photograph of the family,

e a course of life coaching sessions to reveal and achieve new possibilities, or breakthrough coaching to eliminate self-imposed barriers to personal success.

e a personal stylist to refresh their wardrobe,

e cosmetic dentisty to bring some sparkle to their smile,

e a party planner to take stress off the menu at their wedding or other celebration

e a step-up toward Britain's Got Talent or XFactor with singing, drama and dancing lessons,

e makeup lessons by a Mary Kay Professional Beauty Consultant; or even

e a year's membership in a networking organisation to jump-start or revitalize their business; and finally

e for the person who already has everything they want; a donation in their name to charity, especially one that provides for others at Christmas and throughout the year.

7. My personal favourites, received in the past few years , which are neither flash nor expensive, have been a Family GiftCard from Vue Cinemas and a magazine subscription to Psychologies. There's a special deal going for a year's subscription for £22.99. Not bad. This year, I'm hoping for a subscription to Coast magazine (hint, hint Santa), because, well, a girl can dream. I can curl up with this magazine and a cup of tea, winter, spring, summer or fall, and put myself in a completely different place and time. The best deal I've seen is from their own publisher, for £25.99.

Engrossing and relaxing

I hope I've given you food for thought and lightened the load that sometimes leads up to the festive celebrations. Most of all, have fun!

*Links to service and product providers mentioned here are merely for your convenience and do not come with any guarantees. Some I may have used personally, while I may have received recommendations for others from their clients or customers. I do not have any financial arrangements with anyone on this list, such as commisssions or affiliate fees.

The "giving" part of Thanksgiving

It's that slightly bittersweet time of year for me; the holiday celebrations in America that began with Thanksgiving on Thursday this past week. I marked it in my heart, but as is often the case, I put the celebration aside. I live in England, with a British husband who has never really embraced my favourite holiday and children who have school that day, afternoon activities and homework due the following day. I comforted myself with phone calls to relatives in the States and a turkey breast for dinner that could be cooked at the last minute and eaten in front of the TV (we couldn't miss American X-Factor!) at 8 p.m. I made sure that there was some mention of gratitude; both the kind that you offer to others and the kind that you carry around in your heart. It was nice, but woefully inadequate compared to the big, warm, American celebrations that I remember, both with my own family and as a guest at a friend's home. Never mind. Maybe next year.

This year, I decided to do something for other people to mark the meaning behind Thanksgiving, which after all, was about giving thanks and sharing food with others in the community. Recently, a friend; Jane Milton, asked for volunteers to help out a charity called FareShare in their 1 Million Meal Appeal, which collects and redistributes surplus food within the UK. Their aim is to fight hunger and food waste in our society. Jane is perfectly positioned as an expert consultant to the food industry, to gather support and donations of fresh food from her professional contacts. However, this event was aimed at the public, asking for shoppers to purchase and donate longer-life items, such as tinned food, rice, pasta, coffee and tea, to be distributed to 35,000 people a day through 700 service organizations.

FareShare partnered with Sainsbury's to position volunteers in 600+ stores across the UK yesterday, to request and collect donations of food from people alongside their own grocery shopping. It was an interesting experience. I volunteered at my local store in Stanmore, where I'm an occasional shopper. I was positioned at one entrance, while an accountant named Bob was at the other. We were given everything we needed, including a large Volunteer sticker and a pile of leaflets and left to get on with it.

The "Ask" - I'm a friendly sort of person and don't find it difficult to approach people, but you have to be prepared for rejection of all sorts when asking for donations and you can't take it personally. (I must have spoken to at least 700 people in my 6-hour shift.) You also have to be careful not to make judgements about people based upon whether they donate; you can't really know what each person's circumstances are and can't spend their money for them. My approach was to ask if they would consider donating one food item to feed hungry people in the UK. I was careful to say "any donation, no matter how small, would be appreciated," and meant it. I was as effusive in my thanks for the donation of a single 25-pence can of tomato soup or bag of pasta, as I was for the donation of a £4 jar of coffee or box of tea bags. Still, I couldn't help but note that some of the biggest donations came from elderly people and others who didn't look like they had a lot of money, while some of the most well-turned-out shoppers completely blanked me. I also found it interesting how many people were keen that the food stay here in the UK, helping our residents, rather than being shipped out to feed people in other countries. There is a real sense that we have to take care of our own first, before helping others. I can't say I disagree, though I would like to believe we could help eradicate hunger globally if better systems were put in place.

Kids - My favourite donors were the parents who gave their children the food items to put in my trolley; a small act of giving plus the reward of positive feedback is a wonderful lesson for a child about values of generosity, sharing and caring. Additionally, a young teenage girl, who I hadn't stopped on her way in, handed me a bag of rice as she walked out with her sandwich lunch. One of my 7-year old art students quite excitedly brought me 3 cans of soup.

Bringing it home - Perhaps the greatest gift I both gave and received yesterday involved my own 12-year old daughter, who joined me at the end of my shift. Another fundraising activity was going on at the Customer Service desk behind me, so we donated a few pounds for her to have a henna tattoo painted on her arm, while I talked a young man on Work Experience with Sainsbury's through the approach to customers. Afterwards, we returned all of the food gifts which could not be accepted by FareShare and used our credit to purchase another 66 tins of food for the Million Meal Appeal, worth double that as Sainsbury's was matching customer donations. She has seen me budget carefully all year, making sometimes uncomfortable decisions about spending and saving for our own family. For once, this wasn't about us; it was about doing something for someone else for whom the discomfort could be going off to school in the morning hungry or not being able to stretch their weekly budget out to cover 7 days of nutritious meals for the whole family. She acknowledged that it was cool that I was willing to give my time for one day to help others, however "wierd" it may have seemed that Mum was wearing a Sainsbury's fleece (it was cold by that door!) and "cringe-y" that I was interacting with strangers. It proves my theory that talking about values is only worth so much; acting on them is where the real learning takes hold. So, next time, the kids are going to help too, because I didn't do anything yesterday that my children couldn't have done too.

Rewards - There are some people who don't think an act is truly generous if you are rewarded for having done it. I disagree entirely; the giver could have chosen not to give at all. Every one of yesterday's donors was rewarded with a smile, a thanks and a typically American "Have a great weekend." They deserved to feel good about their acts of kindness! I also made sure to thank the Sainsbury's employees who made the event run so well. After all, I was in their space all day and they supported me in every way. I also felt rewarded yesterday when I realized how much food had been donated as a result of my actions. I felt rewarded by the supportive comments I received from some of the donors, one of whom told me I was doing "a beautiful thing." Mostly, I felt good that I had taken myself out of my little world, with my various personal concerns, for one day and focussed on other people and what they need. When I expressed that positivity, there was a real buzz around us that visibly lifted everyone. That was all the thanks I needed.

Parenting can be a bit of a minefield, but still...chickenpox lollipops?

There may be books out there that purport to guide us through parenting, but no book can truly prepare you for the decisions, opportunities and choices we are faced with in real life. In the real world, we have to use common sense to guide us in our actions. Most of the time, most people will make the choice that prioritizes the safety of our children. Sometimes, because we are human, emotion clouds our judgement. And then, there are those times when our judgement is influenced by convenience, cost and peer pressure. Surely that is where it all went wrong when some foolish parents decided to hold a "chickenpox party" where their young party guests were given infected lollipops in the hope that they would all contract chickenpox together.Chickenpox parties have apparently become popular in recent years following health concerns related to vaccinations. The next step was probably predictable; where there is a trend, someone will try to find a way to profit from it. Apparently, people are selling previously-licked lollipops (yes, licked by a child already contagious with the disease) over the internet! A Nashville, Tennessee woman has offered a "fresh batch of pox in her Facebook page: "Shipping of suckers, spit and Q-tips available tomorrow $50 via PayPal".

As far back as my own childhood, I remember siblings being exposed to each other while contagious to get the 2-week ordeal over with for the convenience of the mother. Perhaps cousins and playmates were also brought over for some passive exposure to chickenpox. I was shocked, but then quite relieved, when my daughter contracted an extremely mild case of chickenpox at 6 months old. She was too young to scratch the itchy spots and small enough for me to tend to her easily. When my 3 year old son was infected, along with half his nursery school, by one contagious child, I still thought it was better for him to have been exposed at an age when missing 2 weeks of school didn't matter much. However, he was severely affected and it was quite an ordeal for both of us. Still, I remember, now somewhat embarrassingly, having glibly invited friends to bring their kids around while he was contagious, so they would get it over with and have someone to play with while quarantined.

Even though chickenpox vaccines aren't available in the UK, I would probably have taken advantage of that option on one of our annual trips to the US, but I was too late. I would much rather my child have a proven vaccination and remove the potential danger and discomfort of any of the childhood diseases from my kids.

According to Isaac Thomsen, a specialist in paediatric infectious diseases at Vanderbilt Children's Hospital, it's unlikely to work by post because the shipping time would reduce the effectiveness of the germs left on the lollipop, but it is theoretically possible. It could, however, work if the lollipop is given directly from the mouth of the contagious child to another child at a party. It could also spread other diseases, such as hepatitis. It's not only a foolish, and actually quite gross, idea to feed anything licked by a stranger to your children, but it's also a federal crime to send diseases or viruses across state lines in the post. Sending snacks laced with chickenpox would be illegal under the same law that makes it illegal to post infectious diseases such as anthrax. Jerry Martin, a U.S. Attorney in Tennessee, quoted by Sky News, said a conviction could lead to a jail sentence between a few months and 20 years.

Fertility, Birth and Adoption News

Births - A little girl in the Phillipines named Danica has been named the 7 billionth child born in the world. I'm not sure how they pinpointed her, or the Phillipines, but assume that it was symbolic.

All women giving birth in the UK are to be given the choice over having a caesarean delivery, according to The Sunday Times. The NHS has previously limited caesarean sections on the basis of medical need; however, according to the National Institute for Health & Clinical Excellence (NICE), women should be able to make an informed choice. It could help women who have experienced some trauma in previous childbirth. This decision is not without controversy. There are doctors who do not believe in performing surgery that is not medically required, but they will have to refer their interested patients to other NHS doctors who are willing to perform the c-section. Doctors are also concerned about the added financial burden on the NHS, as a caesarean costs approximately £800 more per patient than vaginal delivery.

Adoption - David Cameron has announced that there will be a crackdown against the worst performing Councils who ban certain people from adopting, frown on cross-culture adoption or delay the process by taking too long to carry out investigations of potential adoptive parents. As it stands now, some local authorities refuse to consider smokers or overweight people as adoptive parents, while others won't allow white people to adopt black children, even if there is a shortage of black parental candidates.

Martin Narey, Cameron's adviser on adoption, is the former chief executive of Barnardo's the children's charity. He stated this weekend that while it is important for the system to be rigorous in vetting potential adoptive parents, it should move much more quickly than it does. At present, only about 60 children are permanently adopted each year in Britain. Baroness Oona King, the former MP, spoke movingly on TV news this morning about the delays in the adoption process that "lost" her the first 13 months of each of her adopted children's lives.

Got kids? Good financial planning brings peace of mind

In a recent article for Mindful Mum, I suggested that older mothers could benefit from seeing an independent financial adviser (IFA) to help plan for the upbringing, education and legacy for their children. Actually, all of us should do some financial planning, regardless of the age at which we start our families. It isn't just about feeding and clothing a child. We are fortunate in this country that school uniforms are sold in supermarkets for next to nothing, health and dental care are covered by the NHS and public transportation is free for children. Still, the most recent cost estimates of raising a child born in the UK to the age of 21 is £200,000. The average UK family has 2 children. Scary, isn't it?

The financial pinch is getting just a bit sharper all the time, with rising costs and cuts to public budgets. When they're young, children's costs seem to be mainly about after-school clubs, sports kit and birthday parties. Fast forward a few years and it's a different story. You may find that your teenagers can't find the Saturday jobs that once helped support their social lives. School-leavers may think twice about higher education now that tuition has risen to £9,000 a year at some universities. Many children are now happy to stay at home with Mum and Dad into their 20s, rather than fork out their earnings for shared rental accommodation. Whether you are worried about how you will meet your financial commitments in the future or you just want to make sure that you can uphold a certain standard of living, complete with winter and summer holidays, it pays to do some financial planning now. The benefits don't just apply to older parents; they are applicable to everyone, regardless of age or how much money you have. Good financial planning can help you:

1. Protect your family with the right type and amount of health, property and life insurance;
2. Plan your spending and saving;
3. Plan your retirement;
4. Secure your house with the right level of borrowing and best mortgage rates;
5. Build your assets through smart investment;
6. Find the right combination of assets based upon your attitude to risk and your financial position;
7. Obtain an objective assessment so you can make informed decisions;
8. Save money through tax incentive schemes;
9. Keep you on track by monitoring your investments in a changing market; and
10. Have the peace of mind.

It's also important to think ahead about how you would cope if you or your partner lost your job, your business took a downturn, or at worst, one of you became seriously ill or died unexpectedly early. Would one of you be able to cover your mortgage, council tax and utility bills so you could stay in the family home? Actually, it's never too early to address the issue of a Will, regardless of how uncomfortable it makes you to think of your mortality. Make sure that your partner and children are provided for appropriately, especially if you are not married.

What you should look for in a financial advisor:

• (S)he should be fully independent, so that her recommendation of financial products is objective and based upon your needs;
• A free, no-obligation telephone consultation
• Confidentiality
• Good rapport and ease of communication
• Registration with the Financial Services Authority

 

 

 

 

 

End-of-summer news

Temperatures in England are cooling, everyone is returning from their summer holidays and there is a September mood of "let's get down to business" in the air.  Here's a little of what's in the news this week:

• I have a new, light-filled, private and cosy office in my garden which will be ready later in September for client sessions. I look forward to sharing it with you as soon as possible.
• Beyonce's having a baby!  The 30-year old global star, who totally rocked Glastonbury in June this year, has proudly announced her pregnancy.  It's so nice to hear some good news directly from the source, rather than the gossip magazines. I'm wishing her good health, happiness and an easy birth.
• Too posh to push? NHS North Yorkshire and York has banned elective caesarean sections on the basis that it costs twice as much (L 2,539) as a natural birth (L 1,324)and poses higher risks for mother and baby.  Currently, 1/4 of British births are by C-section. 
• Pre-implantation genetic diagnosis allows screening of embryos for genetic disorders.  One London couple, Jay and Ami Bharvada, went through 4 cycles of IVF to find an embryo that was both free of Wiskott-Aldrich syndrome, a rare genetic disorder, and a tissue match to their son Jivan who is afflicted by the disease.  Untreated, the boy would probably not live past age 10.  Eventually, the couple had a daughter through IVF whose umbilical cord will contribute stem cells vital to their son's recovery. She will then provide further life-saving aid through a bone marrow donation to her brother.  Now, the couple says that they will go ahead and give life to the remaining frozen embryos once their son's health improves.  Their religion, Jainism, has guided them in their decision not to destroy the surplus embryos.  They have launched a charity to raise awareness of storing stem cells from the umbilical cord and donating bone marrow:  Chance to Live.

Do you have fears concerning a vaginal birth that you would like to conquer?

Are you faced with a huge decision about fertility treatment, storing or discarding frozen embryos?

For information about how coaching and EFT can help you, email me directly: [email protected].

Sperm Donor Unknown on TV (UK) tonight

Sperm Donor Unknown is the fascinating story about how a group of children born via sperm donation found their biological father, and each other, through the Donor Sibling Registry Website. It airs tonight on More 4 at 10 p.m.  I've written here previously about Jeffrey Harrison and the 14 children he fathered in the 1980's as a way to supplement his income, in How many siblings do I have? For Donor 150's children, it's 14 and counting. The story of genetic connection isn't cut and dry; it involves real people and feelings, the exploration of identity, discovery and acceptance. This is what I will be watching tonight.

The adoption scheme that is flourishing in Harrow

I love spreading news of a family-building scheme that works. Put children who need loving, capable parents together with adults who have love and a nurturing home to share together. It sounds simple, but we know it isn't. As with many other social services in Britain, there is a postcode lottery, meaning that parentless or homeless children in some locales have a better chance of being adopted than a child elsewhere. Statutory guidelines differ, the view of adoption as the best option can vary among local authorities and social workers can dismiss prospective parents who don't "match" waiting children, failing to refer them to neighbouring authorities where they may find a better match.

The Times has gone so far as to call the overall scheme in this country "Britain's adoption crisis;" a result of only 2% of children in care being adopted last year in places such as Croydon, the worst performing council of all in Greater London. "Across England, the rate of adoption has been static for the past four years, with 13% of children in care being adopted annually." That begs the question of what is happening to the other 87% of children who don't have a real home. People who want families have been long put off by how difficult it can be to wade through the challenging bureaucratic tangle of the adoption services. They can face rigourous scrutiny, perhaps warranted, but also negativity, overly strict rules on ethnic "matching," long delays and an overall lack of support.

I was surprised and delighted to hear that my own local council, Harrow, is doing far better than most. According to Rosemary Bennett in The Times, the council that had one of the worst records of adoption in the country is approaching "best" now. The longer a child is in the care of social services, the harder it is to find them a permanent home, the more detrimental to the child's emotional wellbeing and the greater the financial cost to the community. Harrow's record of moving only 2 - 3% of children from care to an aoptive family, as recently as 2005, indicated ineptitude, but credit is due to someone at the local authority for realiing that they needed outside help to turn it around. They brought in 2 social workers and an administrator who were employed by Coram, a children's charity, and instituted controversial, but ultimately successful, systems.

This is what is working here in Harrow:

• The Coram staff work full-time in the local authority, find and assess prospective families, resulting in a pool of approximately 60 adoptive families under consideration at any one time;
• Adoption is considered from the outset, every time a child is taken into care, regardless of the age, race, religion, disability or number of siblings involved;
• The adoption plan is considered simultaneously with other plans which investigate how to support the child within their birth family, so that no time is wasted;
• the decision on whether or not a child should be adopted is taken within 4 months of arriving into care, exceeding the national guideline of 6 months; and
• 100% of those children are actually placed within a year.

Last year 20% of children placed in care in Harrow were either adopted or placed under a special guardianship order. Peter Tolley, service manager in charge of children's placements, said in The Times; "[W]hen these children read their records in the future, we want them to be able to see that every option was considered, that there was robust discussion, and that a lot of time and energy went into making the decision we believe is right for them." This message makes me feel personally very optimistic. Not only will more children be taken into families and private homes, but also that they will have a better understanding of why and how that transition took place, perhaps aiding their sense of belonging. Every child matters, but the longer they are a part of a government "system" and not part of a family, the less they may feel they matter. Their security and sense of personal self-worth are at stake andit is up to us to safeguard them.

Hopefully, Harrow Council will improve even further on their record, with the help of the Coram Harrow Partnership. In the meantime, if you are hoping to adopt, it pays to investigate the record of your local authority. and possibly, to move.