your great life

Are you proud of yourself?

With parents phoning me these past few months about art lessons for their children, I have noticed a worrying pattern. Quite a few of them have conveyed serious angst over their child's supposed inability to draw. Initially, my first question was whether the child wanted to come to art class. I no longer ask this of the parent. The same anxious parents also have a tendency to make an apologetic or otherwise negative comment to me, or to their child in front of me, about the artwork he or she has done in our first session. I have had a parent ask me conspiratorially; "how bad was it?" What child would want to put themselves in line for this kind of confidence-shattering review by their parent? No wonder the kid wouldn't draw at home!

I was reminded of this during the week, when I received a call from my daughter's art teacher. She was concerned because my husband had criticized a piece of work that our daughter is doing. She didn't refute the correctness of his observations about scale and proportion; merely, the delivery and its crushing effect on a 12-year old. Sure enough, my daughter had come home with a grumpy face and mumbled that "Daddy was horrible about [her] dolphin."

Like my husband, the parents of my art students are not awful, unloving people. They are achievement-oriented. Unfortunately, they have gotten in the habit of emphasizing the standard of the finished product over the joy and effort that went into creating it. They also hold their child's ability to an adult standard of perfection. I have witnessed the immediate dampening effect this has on a child's enthusiasm and self-esteem. Faces fall, pictures are shoved into the folder or left behind, accidentally on purpose and the joy of experimentation is replaced by the fear of doing something wrong. It's slightly heartbreaking.

Granted, the pictures are not always beautiful. Shapes are wobbly, colours are muddy, objects lack dimension and body parts don't necessarily connect in all the right places. But as the weeks go on, children learn to handle the materials, compose a pleasing picture and gain insight into proportion and perspective. It all comes in time. I find myself on a mission to reinforce the kids' self-esteem as much as their drawing and painting skills. Everyone discusses their artwork; what they plan to do, how it's going and whether it has come out the way they hoped it would. I make a point of asking:

• Are you happy with your work?
• What did you learn today?; and
• Did you have fun?

When they are finished, they sign and date their piece... a simple act that lets them "own" it and also creates a pictorial timeline, so they can go back and review how they are improving.

The weight of parental expectations can be very heavy. If your child lacks self-confidence, ask yourself whether your reaction to their efforts is supportive, positive and motivational. If they feel they can't please you, they may stop trying. If you can't find anything positive to say, a genuine smile and a hug will do the trick. Whether it's about a drawing, a homework assignment, the way they have handled a friendship issue or any challenge they take on, I prefer to take the emphasis off the adult's judgment. Ask the child; "Are you proud of yourself?"

Making the choice to begin to feel better

Recently, I've been told by no less than 3 different people that they know someone who is suffering as a result of infertility or baby loss, but that the woman "won't talk to anyone about it." Apparently, each of these women has been living in turmoil for an extended period of time without either opening up to people in their private lives or seeking professional help. The question that hung in the air was why they seem to be choosing to prolong their suffering, rather than doing something about it. My answer? Simply, that it isn't always clear to us that we have a choice between feeling awful or feeling better.

When it hurts so much that you can't see straight - If everything seems too much to bear and you are unable to restore hopefulness, you can feel seriously lonely, despite what a partner, family or friends try to do to console and support you. Life can be thrown seriously out of balance when you let pain get such a strong foothold that there isn't room for anything or anyone else.  Negative emotions cause pain that can cloud your mind and interfere with your perspective and your ability to make decisions.

"I don't recognize myself!" - If you are finding it difficult to move forward during or after a painful episode of your life, it does not mean that you are weak.  The strongest person can be knocked off balance by a painful diagnosis of infertility or the loss of a baby they were already coming to know and love.  Sometimes it's the person with the most orderly, well-planned life, or the most confident, can-do attitude, who finds these situations the most difficult to overcome. It's an unequivocal reminder that there are things in life that are out of our control. It applies to everyone, and is nothing to be embarrassed about.

Letting the pain in, to get it out - Making the choice to begin to feel better usually entails acknowledging and experiencing the painful feelings first.  Compartmentalizing is a good technique when it comes to tasks, but doesn't work the same way when it comes to feelings. It may work for a little while to park your grief so you can "get on with things;" for example, shutting off thoughts of conception and pregnancy for the hours needed to fulfil your responsibilities at work. However, compartmentalizing too much can result in denial that there is anything wrong. This will just delay the experience of your anxieties and emotions. Likewise, if you have parked yourself in a place of anger, you may be delaying your acceptance and the healing and clarity that come with it. 

It can be really hard to move forward on your own - If you are asking "why don't I feel better yet?", "why can't I fix this?" or "why do I feel so helpless?", you will benefit from someone else's eyes and ears on the situation to bring a fresh perspective to it. If you find the word "should" cropping up, as in "I should be able to handle X on my own," chase it away. There are no rules; just do what works. If you recognize that you need a little help, don't let pride get in the way. In business, or with any team, it's considered a strength to be able to have the best people on board, so adopt that philosophy in your personal life as well.

Create healthy coping mechanisms - I teach my clients how to cope with anxiety, disappointment and grief by:

• identifying and "owning" their feelings and fears;
• finding a good outlet to express those feelings and fears, whether in a coaching session, with their partner or friend, or by writing them in a journal;
• allowing themselves space to feel positive feelings, even if only once a day at first;
• taking one step at at time to restore normal activities; and
• to visualize how they would like to feel at certain points in the future.

They tell me that learning these coping mechanisms make them feel supported, stronger and more in control.  They are able to recognize that not everything in their life is awful, even if they are going through a particularly awful time. They are able to see that alternative solutions exist that can bring them the family that they dream of creating. They are able to make the best decisions they can for themselves.

Seeking help -  It may seem scary to talk about your most personal thoughts, feelings, needs and desires, but the weight of bearing those thoughts and feelings all by yourself is scary too.  Finding the right person, building rapport, empathy and trust is important. Test the waters by talking about an aspect of your situation that isn't the most complex or painful. Then step away from it and consider whether you got an empathetic and helpful response. If so, go back for more.  It will become easier in time. It's worth the risk; In doing so, you are making a positive choice to begin to feel better.

The loneliest girl: What desperation led a pregnant teen to give birth and leave her baby in a hotel room?

This morning's news brought a tragic story about a newborn baby found dead in a hotel in Hounslow, West London. Police have traced the mother; a 15-year old Canadian girl who had been visiting the UK on a school trip. She gave birth without anyone knowing that she was even pregnant, and returned home to Canada. Had anyone known, she surely would not have been allowed to travel to the UK at 40 weeks pregnant by her parents, the school or the airline. It isn't known yet whether the baby was born alive. I spoke to Jayson Mansaray, the presenter of the Lunch Show at hayes.fm radio, this morning about why a young woman would go to these lengths and how teens can access help if they think they may be pregnant.

It may be difficult to believe that a woman could go through 9 months of pregnancy without anyone knowing about it, but it does happen occasionally. Presumably, she knew that she was pregnant, but hid it well by gaining a small amount of weight, already being overweight when she conceived or wearing very loose clothing. The question is why she felt she needed to go through this alone. We can only speculate that she may have:

• feared the judgment of her parents, peers, teachers and neighbours for being sexually active and/or pregnant;
• not understood much about pregnancy and feared the changes in her body;
• worried that she would be excluded from school, a job, a sports team or a social group;
• been in complete denial that the pregnancy would result in the birth of a baby;
• feared the responsibility of having a baby; or
• feared the withdrawal of love and support from her parents or other family members.

It's understandable that a pregnant teen would feel scared, isolated, confused and overwhelmed. However, the danger associated with secrecy about the pregnancy is that she would not get the help she needs and which is available to her. The primary concern is for the pregnant teen's health and wellbeing. She needs to know, as quickly as possible, whether she is pregnant and how far into the pregnancy she is. Depending upon whether she decides to continue in the pregnancy or to terminate, she needs advice about how to proceed. She, or her partner, may also need emotional support and help with her decision-making. They can access help, confidentially, through helplines and walk-in, young people's, sexual health clinics.

Nationally, a great UK resource is the Ask Brook website.  Young people, under the age of 25, can access information and advice regarding their sexuality, body image, sexual health, contraception, pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases (STD's) and termination of pregnancy. Additionally, there is a free, confidential Ask Brook Helpline, which operates 9 am - 7 pm, Monday - Friday:  0808 802 1234, and a confidential text service: 07717 989 023, which charges a standard SMS rate. Both the website and the advisors on the helpline can provide information about all the services that are available to a young person in their own area.

Locally, KISS is the name for the NHS sexual health services for young people up to the age of 25 in and around Hounslow. For more information about where you can go to access free and confidential pregnancy testing, advice and other health services, go to: KISS Young People's Clinics – Sexual Health Hounslow. (You do not have to live in Hounslow to use this service.)

An unexpected pregnancy may seem very overwhelming, but if you are in that position, it's important that you know:

• There are no stupid questions;
• The sooner you ask those questions that you have, the more you will understand and the better equipped you will be;
• If you are pregnant, the earlier you know, the more choice you will have about how to handle it (prior to 24 weeks for abortion);
• You will get the right medical advice and treatment for yourself and/or the baby at the right time;
• Telling someone confidentially on the helpline or at a KISS centre may make it easier for you to tell an adult who is closer to you, like a parent;
• The help is there for you...you are not alone.

Smiling on the outside; healing on the inside

I saw some wonderful photos of Amanda Holden on one of the morning TV chat shows today.  She's glammed up to promote the Euromillions lottery and looks absolutely gorgeous. If you only saw the photos, you would think that this woman doesn't have a care in the world. You wouldn't suspect that she has recently been through the emotionally devastating loss of her baby.  My first thought was complete admiration for her resilience; my second thought was that I hope people don't misinterpret Amanda's appearance as signalling that she is completely "over it."

I don't personally know Amanda Holden, Lily Allen or any other celebrities whose pregnancy losses have been in the news this past year.  However I, like many others, sometimes feel like we know these people who appear on our TV or cinema screens, feature in our glossy magazines and in advertisements. It's important to realize that we can't take them at face value and infer emotions from their big smiles, worry- line free skin, slim bodies and glamourous outfits. That is their job. Not only that, but those photos are carefully choreographed and often re-touched.  They are not cardboard cut-out figures. They are real women with real feelings and they are going through a process of healing, which does not happen overnight.

I hope that the gossip rags will be kind to Amanda this week as she re-enters the public domain with the Euromillions Lottery and Britain's Got Talent and as she moves forward from her loss. I hope that it also reminds us that someone in our own lives who is trying to bounce back from a significant loss or disappointment, may look better on the outside than they actually feel on the inside. Be generous with your sensitivity and give them the time and space for the healing to happen in its own time.

This is what some of you said about my talk on the Telesummit!

I really enjoyed being a part of the Fertility Focus Telesummit and I'm touched by your response. Here are just a few of the messages I have received:

• "Lisa,Thank you so much for what you do. I'd love to get the worksheet.Warmly," L. 
• "[T]hank you so much for our talk and for your valuable information.  I actually listened to it twice, once by myself live and then again with my husband." MS
• "I really appreciated your talk. I would love to get your worksheet for creating a support network.Thanks so much for offering this." NS
• "I listened to your very interesting call today, thank you so much! Could you please send me your work sheet I think it is exactly what I need." PC
• "Thank you so much for sharing your insight at the Fertility Focus Telesummit - it was truly appreciated." CP
• "I found that you really "spoke" to me and it was very timely in my fertility journey." AR
• "I had a chance to listen to you on Telesummit. You are awesome! My goal is to find a friend (or maybe two) who I can talk to when I am ... down and vulnerable." SP
• "It was wonderful listening to you. Thank you." LF
• "Just listening to you doing such a great job on the Fertility Focus teleseminar - very proud of my former study buddy! [iI]'s a great idea to actually list my support network under the different categories." AS

 

If you, or someone else you know, could benefit from the other topics covered by the fertility experts listed below, get the word out to them quickly! To grab a free place on the remaining calls <--- click here.

• Using An Integrated Approach To Getting And Staying Pregnant - Dr Marilyn Glenville
• Using Acupuncture and Herbal Medicine to Increase Your IVF Results - Andrew Loosely
• How the 11 Pillars of Fertility Reveal the Secrets to Optimum Health and Fertility - Gabriela Rosa
• Aging Eggs: What You Can Do to Improve Your Chances of Conception - Zita West 
• Your Fertile Mindset: How To Prepare Yourself For Conception With EFT - Sarah Holland
• How Hypnotherapy Encourages Successful Conception -  Kristin Hayward
• Solving Your Fertility Puzzle - Sue Dumais
• Using Astrology To Optimize Your Chances Of Success In The Treatment Of Infertility - Nicola Smuts
• Finally Take Control by Charting Your Two Primary Fertility Signs - Toni Weschler
• Fertility At 40 Plus with the Law of Attraction - Deirdre Morris
• Eating to Optimize Fertility - Cindy Bailey

AND 3 Fabulous Bloggers:

• Katie from www.fromiftowhen.com;
• Elphaba (aka Runny Yolk) from www.eggsandsperm.com; and
• Heather from www. surviveandthrive.co.za

If you didn't manage to get on the first few calls, including my talk on Creating an Effective Support Network, Dr Genville, Andrew Loosely or Gabriela Rosa, you can still listen to the recordings!

By upgrading to a Golden Ticket for you can still get all 17 audio files full of information and advice about how to get what you need to maximize your chances of having the baby you want, emailed to you as an MP3 download after the Telesummit is over. That includes all 15 talks listed above, plus Sarah Holland's introductory and concluding sessions, to listen and refer back to at your leisure. This is an incredible value, for a total of $67, available while the Telesummit is still running this week. For more information and to upgrade your place on the Fertility Focus Telesummit <---- click here.

A Bonus for You as part of the Fertility Focus Telesummit

Welcome to Your Great Life, and especially today to those visiting from IComLeavWe.  I'm all set for presenting my session at the 2nd Fertility Focus Telesummit tomorrow. I have just listened to Sarah Holland, the founder and host of the Telesummit, present her introduction and it got me even more excited for the week's events.  As I shared with you in the blog above, I'm speaking to you on how "Creating an Effective Support Network Can Make All the Difference When Trying to Conceive."

In order to help you create the best support network to fulfil your unique needs, I have a Worksheet which is available FREE.  Email me at [email protected] (you can click through on the Email Icon to the right), quoting #FFTS2011 in the subject box and you will receive the worksheet by reply email.  Please feel free to include in your email any questions you have about my presentation at the Telesummit, or about fertility coaching.

If you haven't registered yet, you will want to do it right away. The presentations are live, each speaker will try to take questions and recordings are available for free for 24 hours after each presentation, or you can choose to upgrade to get all 17 audio files emailed to you after the Telesummit. 2,700 people have already signed up! Click here to register for the Fertility Focus Telesummit FREE.

The Fertility Focus Telesummit

It's nearly time for the 2nd Fertility Focus Telesummit, which will bring you 15 speakers on various aspects of fertility health and infertility support, over the course of a week.  Sarah Holland of Fertile Mindset created the Telesummit last year, which was a great success. I am really pleased to be speaking at this event, alongside other fertility experts from around the world, including Sarah; a specialist in EFT for fertility, author Toni Weschler, astrologer Nicola Smuts, pregnancy expert Zita West, nutritionist Dr Marilyn Glenville, naturopath Gabriela Rosa, hypnotherapist Kristin Hayward and others. It's free to listen, either by phone or by computer, every day, beginning on March 21st, so mark it in your diary now!  I will be explaining how, by creating an effective support network, you can make all the difference to your efforts to conceive the baby you want so much. Find out:

• Why a support network is so vital when trying to conceive.
• The 5 most important types of support you need.
• How getting support elsewhere can help save your marriage.
• Lining up the members of your "team".
• How to handle people who are unsupportive.

Click here or on the Fertility Focus Telesummit button to your right to find out more about the 15 speakers and grab your free place on the calls.

P.S. Please make sure to mark in your diary... I am speaking LIVE on Monday, March 21 at 1pm Pacific | 6pm Eastern | 10pm UK time

My heart goes out to Amanda Holden and Chris Hughes, who have lost a second baby

A few, short weeks ago, I blogged about actress and Britain's Got Talent presenter Amanda Holden's decision to keep the news of her pregnancy private for the first six months. It happened that Amanda and her husband Chris Hughes were being particularly careful in announcing their pregnancy, because they had suffered a miscarriage in the 4th month of pregnancy earlier in the year.  At the time, Amanda was quoted as saying that the miscarriage had been utterly devastating, completely unexpected and the lowest point of her life. Tragically, their nightmare repeated itself this weekend.

There is news today that Amanda and Chris have lost their baby son, due in March, at 7 months. She gave birth this weekend to a seemingly perfect, but stillborn, son after going to hospital because she had not felt him kicking or moving at all during the day. A cause for the baby's stillbirth has not been released publicly and the couple has retreated to grieve outside of the glare of public scrutiny. Much like in the British singer Lily Allen's late miscarriage, there will be speculation about whether the demands of work in the entertainment industry was in any way to blame for Amanda's loss. I would stress here, as I did then, that these two women reportedly wanted these babies very much, had access  to excellent medical supervision and took every precaution to maintain and protect  their pregnancies. 

It is heartbreaking to lose a much-wanted baby at any stage of pregnancy, but must be multiplied a thousand times for the woman who felt that baby move inside her. The timing and vigour of that activity leads the mother to attach certain characteristics to the unborn baby, helping her to know him and await his birth with expectations of his personality and energy. It creates a special bond between mother and child during the second and third trimester, but also between other family members and the baby who witness and experience external signs of the baby's very real life in the womb.

For a woman who has miscarried previously, the signs of life in the womb carry even greater significance.  Until she feels the baby move, she may not trust the health and longevity of a subsequent pregnancy.  This was certainly the case with my full-term pregnancies, in which I felt jittery and lacking in self-confidence about the pregnancy until I reached the halfway mark. How could I trust my body to nurture this baby, when it had failed the others? I didn't dare to believe.

Like Amanda Holden and her husband Chris Hughes, my daughter was 4 years old when we had our son.  She was old enough to ask questions about why her friends had siblings and she didn't, why I was going to the Dr all the time (secondary infertility and IVF) and eventually about the baby in Mummy's tummy.  We had waited nearly 5 months to tell her our news, conscious of how confusing and sad it would be for her to expect a brother or sister who might never be born. Thankfully, in our case, my last pregnancy went full term and I was able to give my daughter the brother she wanted.  My heart goes out to Amanda and Chris, who apparently did everything they could have done to be sure of this pregnancy and to protect daughter Lexi in the same way, but to no avail.

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Last week, I was fortunate to be present at a talk given by Prof Lesley Regan, Director of the Recurrent Miscarriage Unit at St Mary's Hospital, Paddington, and the founder of Charm, The Charity for Research into Miscarriage.  It was an overview of the latest developments in the treatment of recurrent miscarriage, however, it was Prof Regan's discussion of late miscarriage that interested me most. Ironically, the audience was made up almost entirely of Orthodox Jewish women, who tend to start their families at very young ages, relative to the general UK population. Nevertheless, it was of great interest to me and my work with older women.

I don't suppose it will surprise anyone to hear that after the age of 35, fertility drops drastically and miscarriage rates increase.  Between 1994 and 2004, there was an enormous increase in the number of births in the UK to women in the age range 35 - 39 years old, and a 94% increase in the 40 - 44 year range. Now, 35% of the women seen by the Recurrent Miscarriage Unit at St Mary's now are over the age of 35 and 25% of them are over the age of 40.  Even though these women are conceiving and giving birth, many of the pregnancies and births aren't without complications, such as pre-eclampsia, restricted growth and premature delivery. Still, stillbirth is very rare; the UK rate being only 7.6 per thousand live births (2008).

As an older mother myself, I know the chances I was willing to take in order to have my own children. However, given the choice, I would never have been in that position. I married my husband at the age of 35, without any predictors for my miscarriages and secondary infertility. Had I been better educated back then about the difficulties and risks inherent in conception, pregnancy and childbirth after the age of 35, I may have chosen to become a mother earlier, through the use of donor insemination.  It's easier to think in hindsight, knowing several women now who have successfully gone down that route, that I might have been that courageous.  Now, however, I would recommend that a younger woman who is in a committed relationship and has a desire to have a family some day, seriously consider the implications of waiting too long for lifestyle reasons. This is one of the reasons I advocate that young women (young men too) be provided with fertility facts alongside their Sex Education at school.  Knowledge is power; it brings choices into perspective.

 

 

Pushing down the pain of a miscarriage won't help

If you have experienced a miscarriage and are suffering as a result, what can you do to feel better and move forward? It can seem like the rest of the world is moving along as usual, while you are standing in one place with the burden of your grief weighing you down like so much extra baggage.  Everyone else gets up and goes off to work, or makes plans to do something nice, but nothing has much meaning compared to the pain you are feeling. Unfortunately, it’s true; the world does not stop for us when we experience a loss like this. We can’t afford to stay in bed with the duvet pulled up over our heads.

I have heard some women say they think they should be able to handle this on their own, as if they have to bite their lip and soldier on. My question is why? Why should anyone have to handle the pain of losing their baby on their own? If you had a death in your family, you would not expect to have to recover from your grief without any expressions of sympathy, offers of company or practical help, understanding conversation or counselling.  You may experience to feel similar bereavement from a miscarriage and need a similar level of care.

Every woman will have her own unique context in which a miscarriage occurs and unique circumstances of that miscarriage. Each woman will react differently, depending upon factors such as whether it was a first pregnancy, one of a series of recurrent miscarriages, how far along in the pregnancy she was, her awareness of her own and the foetus’ health issues, and perhaps most of all, her mindset.

I believe that the bereavement of a miscarriage can sometimes be worse than the death of a living person. The loss is usually unexpected, so there is little or no preparation for it.  It isn't the natural end for someone who has actually lived, it is the end of a hoped-for life that fed into your own vision of your role and purpose in life. It also involves the physical sensation of loss, the trauma of the circumstances, a sensation of emptiness and the hormonal changes that signal the end of the pregnancy. There is also guilt that some women feel about having been responsible for nurturing that baby's life.

Hopefully, every woman has someone, even if it’s just one person, to whom she can turn. If you do not have one person in your life to whom you can turn, there are people in the community who are willing and able to provide that support, such as the miscarriage support group that I lead in North London, or the helpline manned by volunteers for the Miscarriage Association. There may be similar resources, often run by non-profit groups or charities, in other countries.

Don’t waste any energy feeling guilty that you don’t feel that the people who love you can really help you. Their intentions may be true, their desire strong, but they may not fully understand how you feel, or be equipped to help you sort it out. You may require the help of a trained professional. I have heard women say “I shouldn’t need…,” “I feel guilty taking someone’s time, or “I don’t think I should be spending money on myself in this way.”  Of course you should. You are worth it. You deserve to feel better.

If you feel awful and can’t see the way forward, you will not only be operating at only partial functionality and short-changing yourself; you will not be able to give your best to the people who rely upon you, whether in your relationship, your job or your friendships. Coaching is generally a short-term process, designed to move you forward as quickly and efficiently as possible. It is very possible that six to eight weeks of coaching for your bereavement could help you cope better emotionally and practically, and you could begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel again.

If you find yourself feeling a lack of hope, energy, motivation, focus or positivity, don’t isolate yourself and try to push through the pain all by yourself. There is nothing to be gained by that; no badges of courage are awarded for being stoic. Repressing your pain will surely result in you having to deal with it at another time in your life.  Reach out and ask for help, and keep reaching out until you find the right person to confide in and work through your feelings about your baby loss.

Steering IVF patients toward adoption from the start

How would you feel, if on your very first visit to the doctor regarding IVF, you were given an information pack about adoption?

Last week, there was a news report that Tim Loughton, the UK government minister for children and families, announced an initiative to prime childless couples for adoption, rather than fertility treatment. Loughton is concerned that there are too many children in care and too few being placed with families. Only 70 babies were adopted in the UK last year. He has a point. Is it too obvious to state that it is preferable to give a child a stable, loving family environment than to have them grow up in orphanages or foster care? He has good intentions, and the need is present, however, I wonder whether you have thoughts about the method he intends to employ?

Loughton apparently wants to get to childless couples before they begin the medical process to attempt assisted conception. His reasoning is that "they are clearly committed to bringing up children." He may be right, but I think he's missing a step here. At that point, on their very first appointment, they are committed to having and bringing up their own children. I fear that his proposed leafletting might be damaging, both emotionally to the infertile couple and in having the counter-productive impact of sending potential parents running. 

First,  a couple that has just begun to wonder why it's taking so long to conceive is hardly going to think of themselves as childless...yet. They may just be coming around to the realization that they need medical help to have a child, and think that once it's sorted, they will go along their merry way and have the family they want.

Second, it's jumping the gun a bit to approach a couple about adoption, when they are just exploring how medical treatment can help them to have their own child. Children aren't commodities. It's not like going to the shops to place an order for a sold-out product, and being offered a returned item instead.  I believe that with the vast majority of patients, the highest priority will be placed on having their own biological child at that point in the process. They will only be seeking guidance and approval on how to go about it. Some will find this type of information premature and disregard it; others may take comfort that it provides them with a Plan B, while still others may find it hurtful, intrusive or insulting.

Third, for many infertile people, the idea of being like "everyone else" and having a child who joins them as a couple and has recognizable, family traits is the ultimate choice.  We are romantic beings, wanting to recognize in our babies a mother's eyes, a father's smile, a grandparent's colouring or  a sibling's mannerism. With the advent of sperm and egg donation making the experience of pregnancy available to those who would otherwise have missed out, adoption is still seen by many as a last choice. There is not necessarily an immediate leap of consciousness from "why haven't I gotten pregnant this year?" to "let's adopt."

Mr. Loughton, finding out that you are infertile can be very difficult. If medical science can overcome infertility and give a couple what they want most, why shouldn't they go down that route? Additionally,a couple may need to go through a grieving process for the child they will not be able to bring into the world. They will not be receptive to your information packs until they have dealt with their grief. Sensitivity, time and coaching or counselling may be required to achieve acceptance of their situation and mental clarity about what IVF would entail in comparison to adoption. At present, adoption is not all that simple in the UK.

 I suspect that the difficult adoption process is the reason why only 3,200 children a year are adopted. Some people won't even bother trying because they have heard how notoriously difficult, intrusive and judgmental the process can be. The upper age limit for potential adoptive parents ranges between the ages of 35 and 40. Ironic then, that it is being proposed as the preferable option to IVF when many of those seeking treatment will be women in precisely that age range, cutting their chances rather close. Because people are getting married older, and women's fertility goes into rapid decline from age 35, it is often not until this age that they will seek IVF as an option to help them conceive.

It should be pointed out that besides the current, upper-age limit on adoption, the NHS cuts off funded IVF treatment at age 40. We might conclude from this that the government position has been that women aged 40 and older should not become parents, but apparently that's more about cost-effectiveness of treatment for women who have few healthy eggs remaining because of their age.  I wonder if cost plays a part in Loughton's new scheme, as diverting younger couples toward adoption would help both the NHS and Social Services reduce the stress on their budgets.

Adoption is a wonderful thing to do for an unwanted or parentless child and can create families where there would have been none. Thankfully, Tim Loughton wants to address the difficulty of adopting as well as shepherding would-be parents in that direction. He is quoted in The Sunday Times as saying that "the major consideration is [whether there is] a stable, loving environment to bring up a child [now] in care. There shouldn't be a hard and fast age limit or BMI (weight) index. We have older foster carers and we should consider older families to adopt."  He proposes that the upper age limit be lifted.

Tim, I couldn't agree with you more. But, please don't shoot yourself in the foot by pouncing too early on infertile couples who dream of having their own child. I propose that:

• the restrictions on adoption in the UK be revised first, so that more people can adopt;
• Then, a public awareness campaign can reach out to those who previously thought adoption was out-of-reach for them.;
• Only then would I target couples seeking IVF, in the sense of offering them alternatives to explore;
• Perhaps a simple, non-judgemental leaflet and questionnaire sent after an initial medical consultation could encourage those who would consider adopting instead of going through IVF;
• Couples who are willing to explore the idea of adoption could be offered coaching to help them weigh the pros and cons of IVF v. adoption as they apploy to them specifically, find common ground with each other on their values and priorities and make a positive choice for one or the other.