your great life

Bake a cake in 5 minutes! Definitely dangerous.

You know those trending topics and articles that appear on your home screen when you go to read your (Yahoo) email? I generally ignore them, but today, being cold and a bit solitary, I was vulnerable to the idea that you could make a delicious chocolate cake in 5 minutes from start to finish. It sounds too good to be true, but the kids and I will definitely test the recipe this weekend.

 

 

                                          

< Not quite like this, as it's made in a coffee mug, in the microwave, one serving at a time. But still....

The problem is, do I really want to be able to produce a yummy-smelling, warm and gooey cake on demand? The Pro column is all about convenience... I always have these ingredients at home; I'll never be caught short when the kids tell me at the last minute that the school has sent home a request for bake sale goodies or party fare and late night cravings will be easily satisfied without going to the 24-hour supermarket in Watford.  The Cons; well they are slightly more compelling. I really shouldn't have 24/7 access to chocolate cake and neither should my kids. How will I convince them to choose fresh fruit on the basis that they need their 5-a-day and "anyway, we don't have any cake?"

I will report back, but just in case you don't have a Yahoo account, this is the recipe:

Ingredients

• 4 Tbsp plain flour
• 2 Tbsp cocoa powder
• 4 Tbsp caster (or granulated) sugar
• 1 egg
• 3 Tbsp milk
• 3 Tbsp sunflower oil
• chocolate chips
• vanilla extract

You will need one coffee mug and a microwave.

Directions

1. In a mug, combine flour, cocoa powder and sugar. Stir.
2. Add egg and stir until well-combined.
3. Mix in the milk and oil. Add chocolate chips and a splash of vanilla. Mix thoroughly.
4. Microwave for 3 minutes @ 1,000 watts.

Enjoy!

This is not one of THOSE New Year's posts

I want to say the first hello of 2012 and thank all of you who kindly visited my blog in 2011 and some who may have contributed a comment. You are greatly appreciated.

You may have noticed that I haven't written much lately. There were times in the past when that would have made me feel guilty, embarrassed or apologetic. These days, it just means I have had other things which required my attention and energy and I'm okay with that.

I find that, periodically, it's necessary to step back and take a look at what I'm doing and whether it's working, make adjustments and move forward again. This autumn, that type of reflection generated a realization that I needed a new creative outlet and different way of working. I gathered up all my dusty art materials and began painting again. I also began to teach art lessons to children. I started in September with 1 student, and now I have 12! I have also delivered my very first commissioned painting to a very happy client, which is something I have always dreamed of doing.

You may wonder why I am telling you this, when Your Great Life is largely about family-building, parenting and fertility. Even a life coach gets stuck sometimes. I have to remind myself to reflect and re-assess the way my life is going and take steps to improve it. Sometimes the impetus is necessity or opportunity, and other times it is another person whose objectivity reveals something I haven't recognized myself. In my case, it was all three. While moving my desk, bookshelves and various boxes into my new office, I came across my paintbrushes and various pads and canvasses. When my own children started asking when we could paint again, my initial reaction was that we didn't have the room and I didn't want the mess. However, the seed was planted and suddenly, I was itching to paint and the 3 of us were planning projects. A friend said she thought other children would love to participate as well and the idea was born. Room was found for the supplies, flyers were printed and the family routine was adjusted to accommodate after-school lessons.

One result of my tentative foray into art lessons has been a love of working with children, whose art often yields unexpected insight into their self-image and esteem. Far more important to me than whether they can draw a straight line, or even whether they are happy with what they have produced on any given day, is their willingness to try and fail as part of the creative process. While these particular children are not coaching clients, I am beginning to see how art can be a wonderful coaching tool.

It may be that during the next year, you find yourself in need of a change. Look at what nurtures you and opportunities to bring that back into your life. I'm having more fun than I have in a while and finding peace and fulfillment in my painting. I wish you as much.

December already?

Today is the 1st of December, which is hard to believe, as we have only really had one hat-and-gloves day so far. Nevertheless, the calendar doesn't lie and it signals me that I have to get organized... for menu planning and gift shopping for the holidays, for the kids' break from school (one of mine is off for 24 days!), for my art workshops, and to start the new year off right. In case you are coming up with a blank in any of these areas, these are some of my ideas:

1. Calendars/Diaries - I need 2 of these every year; 1 for my desk and 1 for my handbag. For the desk version, I have bought the same one for the past 5 years, during my August visit to NJ, at Barnes & Noble: Pam Socolow's Family Facts. It's a plastic covered ring binder with week at a glance, address book, helpful pages of lists like car pool, activities, quick contacts and places we like, and a few pages of stickers for things like appointments and birthdays. Ifyou can find it for 2012, it's great. Unfortunately, this year I was let down, as B&N didn't have it in stock when I was in the States. So, I've been searching for a similar system to replace it. I think I may have found it here:

For handbags, I'm still pleased with my brown, faux snakeskin Filofax pocket organiser, received as a Christmas gift last year from my M-I-L, so I will be ordering the 2012 insert. It packs a punch, at only 11.5 X 14.5 cm (4 1/4 X 5 3/4 inches), but with surprisingly large spaces on its week-at-a-glance pages, address book, International information (metric to US equivalents and Fahrenheit to Celsius!) and even a tiny ruler.

This Ultra-Violet one comes gift-wrapped with a mini-pen for £30.

I'm all for combining gift buying with charitable giving, where possible. So, if you know anyone who would be thrilled to have a bright pink diary, consider this one that benefits the Breast Cancer Campaign, a registered charity in England and Wales (no. 299758). For every organiser sold, Filofax will donate £2.20 to Breast Cancer Campaign.

2. Experiences - It seems to me as if gifts are getting more impersonal all the time. I'm not sure if this is for convenience or if they think it's truly better to let someone choose their own gift. I think it's a bit of a shame to oversaturate kids with Am.azo.n and i.tunes giftcards... surely their delight wanes after opening the first few? If you must, why not choose a gift voucher with a difference? For families e, I like the idea of giving them a more active sort of experience: consider buying them gift vouchers for indoor skiing, ice-skating, an indoor waterpark (there's one called Gulliver's SplashZone in Milton Keynes) and climbing walls, or signing them up for a holiday art course (I happen to be running several, each based on a different artist). For adults e, you can buy a driving experience at Brands Hatch racetrack, or a spa voucher. (I know which one I'd rather receive!)

3. Pamper and refresh - If your budget doesn't stretch to a whole day, but you want to give your girlfriend, mother or other woman in your life a luxuriously renewing, individual spa treatment, there are many wonderful practitioners around who offer gift vouchers e. If you happen to live in my area of North London/Harrow/SouthHerts, I recommend Teresa Maybury for superb, expert facials using Dr Belter products, in her private and calming space in Rayners Lane, and Julia Jenkins in Croxley Green for massage; especially her Lava Shells treatments.

4. For women on the go, there may possibly be no better gift e than these 2 items I found on the Dynagirl website: e Fizpouch, an organiser for cellphone, makeup and glasses that can be moved from handbag to handbag (briefcase, student book bag or whatever. I like this one in metallic bronze but it also comes in red, black, brown, pink and cream. And e their own-brand SupaSoles; foldable ballet flats that are a lifesaver for anyone who goes out in heels, but limps home in pain.

5. Jewellery she won't have seen in the shops, from American company Stella & Dot, now in the UK

6. Thinking outside the box - Got a really challenging person to shop for? Sometimes the most clever gifts don't come in a box ! How about...

e a winter-readiness car service,

e a special photograph of the family,

e a course of life coaching sessions to reveal and achieve new possibilities, or breakthrough coaching to eliminate self-imposed barriers to personal success.

e a personal stylist to refresh their wardrobe,

e cosmetic dentisty to bring some sparkle to their smile,

e a party planner to take stress off the menu at their wedding or other celebration

e a step-up toward Britain's Got Talent or XFactor with singing, drama and dancing lessons,

e makeup lessons by a Mary Kay Professional Beauty Consultant; or even

e a year's membership in a networking organisation to jump-start or revitalize their business; and finally

e for the person who already has everything they want; a donation in their name to charity, especially one that provides for others at Christmas and throughout the year.

7. My personal favourites, received in the past few years , which are neither flash nor expensive, have been a Family GiftCard from Vue Cinemas and a magazine subscription to Psychologies. There's a special deal going for a year's subscription for £22.99. Not bad. This year, I'm hoping for a subscription to Coast magazine (hint, hint Santa), because, well, a girl can dream. I can curl up with this magazine and a cup of tea, winter, spring, summer or fall, and put myself in a completely different place and time. The best deal I've seen is from their own publisher, for £25.99.

Engrossing and relaxing

I hope I've given you food for thought and lightened the load that sometimes leads up to the festive celebrations. Most of all, have fun!

*Links to service and product providers mentioned here are merely for your convenience and do not come with any guarantees. Some I may have used personally, while I may have received recommendations for others from their clients or customers. I do not have any financial arrangements with anyone on this list, such as commisssions or affiliate fees.

Tips for managing those holiday celebrations: How NOT to be a party animal or a sitting duck

The other day, I wrote about playing my "if I won the lottery" game to help you decide what you really want to do during the festive season. While many would choose the escape-for-two, I am guessing that some of you couldn't figure out how to extricate yourself from the usual celebrations and perhaps a few of you really didn't want to be left out. Our job then, is to make sure you get through this month with your sanity, your dignity and your relationships intact.

Here are my tips for managing holiday events if you're sticking close to home:

The invitations - If you are trying to conceive, and being careful about pretty much everything you eat, drink, inhale and talk about, probably the last thing you want to be around is other people overindulging. So choose wisely. Keep reminding yourself that you have choices. If you dread an event to the extent that the anticipation is making you ill, even if it's your parents' Christmas dinner, opt out. It's not worth being a dutiful daughter at the expense of your health. If it's not all that bad and you do choose to go, you can still control how you participate and how long you stay.

• The Family Do - Arrive at your parents' or sibling's home just a few minutes before the planned sit-down meal. Keep busy in the intervening time with kisses, hugs and a flurry of gift-giving. Eat well and with many compliments to the various cooks, with lots of smiles, and help to clear the table. Straight after, make an excuse about why you have to leave AND GO. Giving your excuse too much in advance gives people time to argue with it and probe your reasons.
• The In-Laws' Family Do - Exclaim with joy about their wonderful son, your partner, who is so romantic, so generous, so thoughtful and considerate to   plan an intimate and special Christmas just for two! You'll be by early on to exchange gifts  (before any alcohol is passed), then whisked back to your cosy place, or a boutique hotel, for the meal. They can't criticize their amazing boy, can they?
• The Office Party - Unless this takes place during working hours, just beg off sick at the last minute. Office Christmas parties are renowned for being strewn with awkward encounters with people you wouldn't choose to socialize with out of work and faux pas you don't want to face up to the following week (not necessarily your own). Give it a miss. More people will be gossiping about who did attend than worrying about who didn't.
• The Cocktail Party - Whether it's old friends or the neighbors, it's no fun when you are the only one not drinking. That, and the loose talk that comes with alcohol, should keep you well away. If you don't want to say that you are trying to conceive, and you also don't want to seem standoff-ish, try saying you have dinner reservations but you will stop off on the way for a quick drink, then make sure it's sparkling water. Leave at the time you planned, with a big smile and lots of cheer. Either that, or agree in advance to watch each other's backs all night long, rescue each other from unwanted conversations and keep filling your glass with the non-alcoholic stuff so you are never put in an awkward situation of having to explain.
• New Year's Eve - It used to be so much fun, but so is a rom-com on DVD, the  living room illuminated with candles and sparkly bits, followed by a gorgeous midnight breakfast a deux. No one has to be the designated driver and there will be no hangover the next day.

It's our turn to have everyone to us for Christmas! - Actually, that can be a good thing.  Just take protective measures. One way to maintain some control of what goes on around you, of course, is to be the host(ess). Invite who you want to see and manage their expectations, and hopefully, their behaviour, by the type of invitations you issue.

Ideas and protective measures:

• Making a change to Boxing Day, so it's more active and less sofa-bound, could be a great diversion from your TTC status. Ask everyone to meet you  mid-afternoon at a local ice-skating rink, then invite them back for hot chocolate and cookies. Don't offer dinner, and eventually they will go home to eat Christmas leftovers.
• Instead of having a New Year's Eve party, invite people to a New Year's Day brunch instead. Serve breakfast-y food with pre-made Mimosas and plain juice in champagne glasses and coffee to people who overindulged the night before. Don't worry if your friends are beer drinkers or like something harder. You are in charge in your home. They can do as they please when they get home to their well-stocked liquor cabinet.
• If you are having a sit-down meal, put place cards at the table, ensuring that you don't have to sit at the same end as the tactless Aunt who always asks when you are going to have children, the sister-in-law who has just announced she's pregnant or or the cousin who gushes about her darling princess. Not that you have anything against them; it can just be hard to be around when you are lacking those very things.
• Your secret weapon could be someone in whom you confide beforehand, who agrees to step in and divert conversation whenever there is even a whiff of trouble. 

You decide what to discuss and what to keep private - Whether you are out at someone else's party or hosting your own, it's your decision how much to reveal about your plans, your challenges and your disappointments.  So, it's well worth deciding beforehand what you will say and agreeing it with your partner. There is little else more uncomfortable than being backed into a corner and lost for words.

I call this the surprise attack, even though it may be unintentionally hurtful. Some people may sincerely want to show they care, are thinking of you and want to help. While you may want to shout "it's none of your _________ business!" or cry, those are the two acts that will bring you the most unwanted attention. Write down some of your most feared questions and comments, then come up with answers that are acceptable to you and will firmly discourage further discussion. This second part could take some time, but it's worthwhile to be ready and equipped to deal with the situation.

Be prepared with a few remarks like these:

• "You'll be one of the first to know when there's something to tell," or "We have agreed to keep it quiet for the moment." Neither of these statements gives anything away at all, yet, they aren't offensive. 
• If you do decide to give out some information, you can limit further conversation by saying "I'm superstitious, so I don't want to jinx anything by talking about it. I'm sure you understand."
• If you run into someone at a party who saw you at the gynaecologist's office or fertility clinic, quietly say "I know I can trust you to keep what you know confidential."
• If someone doesn't get the point behind your words or behaviour and pushes a little too hard, try saying "I would really like to have a good time here tonight, but that depends upon not having to think or talk about certain things. I'd be so grateful for a little distraction. What have you been up to lately?"

Whatever you do, don't martyr yourself to the holidays. They are there to be enjoyed. If all you can anticipate is pain,  short-term coaching is the ideal tool for resolving that anxiety and easing those relationships. The goal is to find a resolution that allows you to join in and have some fun.

 

Congratulations to the winners of the prize draw at my stand at the Healthy Woman 2010 event:

Winner of £160 fertility coaching with me: #4 Kim Huynh

Winner of the voucher for £25 of Forever Living aloe vera products, donated by Ann Phillpot: #24 Orieta Wilson

Winner of the £15 voucher to www.dynagirl.co.uk donated by Dynagirl: #7 Carrie Wells

Vouchers will be posted to winners with instructions on how to redeem. Enjoy!

Your ovaries do not know that it's July/August: 8 Tips to get you through the summer

What is it about summer that makes everything slow down or grind to a halt? I have had quite a few people tell me that they want to put a new project "on hold," deal with a health issue later, change a date or sort out some problems.

I'm not the only one; several others have queried the same thing...canceled appointments, a laissez-faire attitude toward agendas, trying to get a hold of builders, decorators, doctors... The irony is that if you are self-employed, your clients drop out on you, but if you need someone who is self-employed, as above, you can't reach them. It seems everything can wait until September. Could it just be the unusually good weather we have been having so far this summer? Knock wood.

Who can't afford to procrastinate this summer?  Inevitably, it's those in the IF community. It's understandable that infertiles want or feel they need a break from trying to conceive. Time marches on, whatever the weather. It's understandable:

• If they have had a disappointing, difficult or grievous year, the summer represents relaxation; 
• If their marriage has seemed confusing, strained or argumentative, summer gives them opportunities to find each other again; and
• If they are not sure what to do about a procedure, their doctor's summer vacation plans can be the deciding factor.

There are two reasons why you (especially if you are 35 or older) might want to go ahead with the fertility treatment you need, on schedule.

1. Your ovaries do not know that it's July/August; and
2. You will have lost 2 cycles and could regret it in the fall, when life/work will be busier.

Here are eight tips that could make a difference in how you enjoy and employ summer to work for you, even while going through your fertility regimen:

• Nutrition and Weight - Summer is a great time for making positive changes in your food. Lighter meals can make use of the freshest fruit and vegetables, meats and fish can be cooked on the bbq to reduce fat and there are free, healthy, summer recipes available on give-away cards in the supermarkets. Choose refreshing treats that are low fat/low processed sugar, so you don't feel left out of the group at meals and parties: watermelon, fat-free frozen yogurt, homemade lemonade, brewed iced tea, etc..
• Exercise - If you like going to a gym, keep it up. At least they are air-conditioned.  If you would rather be outside, you and your partner can spend some quality time together and be supportive of each other on a pre-mapped walking route, going for a swim or playing tennis. Dancing counts as exercise too, so see if there is a salsa class nearby. It's quite sexy.
• Job stress - If you want to make the most of summer days, change your routine. Change your arrival and departure times at work to allow you to fit in your visits to the clinic and some down-time. Create a more relaxed environment in which to work.  Meetings can be held outside, or if that's not possible, lunch on the patio to relax and promote good working relationships before the meeting inside.
• Relationship - Everything looks better with a little sunshine on it. If the two of you have been starving your relationship of fun, enthusiasm, intimacy, laughter and the friendship you thrive on, take it outdoors. Find outdoor entertainment, meet up with friends at sidewalk cafes, visit weekend-morning garage sales or flea markets, re-introduce spontaneity and put some effort into it.
• Finances - If fertility treatment is bleeding you dry financially, you could feel depressed or resentful. You deserve some time away! Instead of the 1 or 2 weeks you would like, pick 2 separate nights that you can go away this summer. Use sites like lastminute.com to get the best deal at a location which requires little travel. Take off after work, check in and relax, then go out for dinner, a walk, a film, people-watching, etc... Even better, book a hotel that has a spa where you can have a couples massage. When you go home, your re-entry into home life is smoothed by the knowledge that you have another night coming soon. 
• Mental space - If your concern is how mentally tired you feel, consider how difficult it would be to sustain a self-imposed ban on thinking or talking about your fertility treatment during your summer off. Instead, plan a wordless day in the week and ask your friends and family to respect it. Other effective ways to clear your head without stripping your bank account: anything that requires focused attention, like painting, sewing, sport, gardening, sudoku, etc. Set a small goal and finish it within the time allotted. You won't be over-thinking your issues while you are concentrating on what you are doing.
• Friendships - It can be really painful to be with your friends who already have children, and children are always present during the summer. At the same time, you don't want to not be invited. Take the lead and tell your friends that for this period of time, you would like to be given the choice of going, or not. Ask them not to be offended if you choose to stay away...just a bad day. It's also a good idea, if you can handle it, to go ahead to a family day out, reserving the option of leaving early. It builds resilience; give yourself points for every minute that you stay. Watch the kids and think "I'm going to have that one day too."
• Motivation and self-confidence - Self-talk can be positive or negative. Whichever you use is what you will have. Negative self-talk will get you nowhere good and can be quite self-destructive if you begin to believe it. If you desperately need to take a break from fertility treatment this summer, talk to your doctor about how you feel and ask his opinion of whether it could set you back and how much.  If your need has more to do with that tempting summer feeling, consider doing a simple exercise: Write down your negative self-talk and then rewrite it so that it reads like a positive, but realistic, script of your summer. Then, when you have been sufficiently motivated, get out there and live it. Keep your eye on the goal and have your fun too.

Whether you decide to take that break from trying to conceive over the summer or not, these tips can help you get through the unexpected bumps in the road. It's all about keeping all the different aspects of your life balanced, your thoughts positive, your priorities true and your plans flexible.

How I Use Twitter; one year on

Family and friends don't understand why I use Twitter.  I guess that, compared to those people who know virtually nothing about Twitter, I know quite a lot. Even when I bubble over about it, they look at me with raised eyebrows and hunched shoulders of the unconverted. But, among my more savvy and/or geeky friends, I am the one who asks endless questions (thanks especially to @AbsolutePA and @gina_romero) and learns by doing, in an often painstakingly slow trial and error. 

If you have yet to discover Twitter firsthand, or have only made half-hearted attempts at it, this is how I use Twitter and these are some of the people I follow.  I started by searching subjects I found interesting and if I liked what someone said, I followed them.  Through visiting their Twitter pages, I made my next level of decisions ("unfollow" is a great tool) and found other people to follow. 

I don't follow everyone who follows me, and I don't expect everyone I follow to follow me back.  If you do follow each other, you can comment on each other's tweets, and send each other either public or direct messages in Twitter "conversations."  After a while, it seems like we know each other, but it's also good to remember that you only see what someone else wants you to see. Unless you're in it just for the numbers, following is based upon the value of what appears on your Twitter page; I value useful content and networking, but also amusement, attitude, valuable links, friendship, finding "lost" friends from 20 years ago, keeping in touch with busy friends and laughs.

If you know nothing about Twitter and have no one to follow, you could do worse than to sign up and follow my friend Jane Milton, a.k.a. @foodnetworking. As far as I know, Jane makes the best use of Twitter, to do research, set up appointments, publicize her food industry networking group, re-tweet for her friends and colleagues, keep is in touch with her very full life and career (jetting off to the Cayman Islands, sailing around the Isle of Wight or enjoying the best food London has to offer.).

I have 2 Twitter pages, one with the username @lisamarsh and another username @yourgreatlife. There is a reason for that.  @lisamarsh is more for me as a woman, a wife, a mother, a writer, a networker, a friend.  @yourgreatlife is, for the most part, used for my life as a fertility coach, fertility advocate, support group leader, infertility, my frequent Miscarriage Support and Fertility Support Tips (now 128 of each), news about women's health, reproductive health, fertility treatment, relationship stress, links and more.

There are some grey areas, when I tweet something personal on @yourgreatlife, or something relating to fertility on my @lisamarsh page.  When you add up the number of followers from my two accounts, it means I can send my original content, or re-tweet someone else's to about 1,000 people. I sometimes follow people on both of my Twitter accounts, for no other reason than that it helps not to have to switch back and forth when looking for their posts. There is no distinct line between them because they are both me and life has fuzzy edges like that. 

This morning this tweet made me smile:

retreatsforyou Morning world - and tweeters. This morning I am completely captivated by beauty and colour of a huge bowl of blueberries and raspberries. 

I love this quote, posted by Naomi Richards, @thekidscoach:

Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.- Eleanor Roosevelt - fab quote! I "met" Naomi on Twitter and the unexpected bonus is that several months later, we met in person too.

This tweet caught my eye: PregnancyAssist Women Seek Holistic Approach to Fertility Over 40 http://bit.ly/bqYTRT  leading me to this press release: “I believe very strongly in an approach that includes the mind, body, and spirit. "Women facing fertility challenges need the support of a team that treats the whole person. Infertility is more than just a medical problem, it is an emotional and spiritual challenge that can exhaust even the strongest woman.” Oakland acupuncturist Maria Yung. She stated what I believe about infertility and the need for support and care, in as graceful a way as anyone could. 

Random tweets can take me where I didn't know I could go. After meeting Anne-Marie Mittelman, a virtual assistant in Hertfordshire, at an Athena Network meeting, I followed her on Twitter. This morning, she tweeted about an event she is attending this week. I asked for details and 45 minutes later, I had them:

 AVirtualAngel @lisamarsh Morning Lisa, the details [for the Inspired Entrepreneur event, Building a Successful Spare Time Business] are here: http://ow.ly/213Hk

This is one of my tweets from this morning. It wasn't sent out to any specific person; just to the Twitter-world.  I wonder if I will get an answer.

  lisamarsh Wd like advice on how 2 get rid of the fox visiting our garden + neighbors 4 past few wks. Last nite's bbq had 2 b moved inside. Kids scared 

Here's a great example of how Twitter helps us spread useful information to specific users, whether we follow each other or not:

 Original tweet: @Fertility_RMACT #Infertility, Sex and #Weight. Does it Get More Embarassing? http://hub.am/aZVNYJ2

I followed the link to Path to Fertility and Infertility, Sex and Weight:   

"Two uncomfortable subjects being discussed this week on this blog. Luckily, we have two wonderful experts to speak on the subject. Dr. Mark Leondires, Medical Director of Reproductive Medicine Associates of CT  and Carolyn Gundell, MS."

Not only am I interested in seeing what these 2 experts have to say, but I'm sure that some of my 735 or so followers of @yourgreatlife would be interested also. So, I re-tweeted the link, adding a few extra touches that will help people find it.

 My Re-Tweet: experts answer Q's RT @Fertility_RMACT #Infertility, Sex and #Weight. Does it Get More Embarassing? http://hub.am/aZVNYJ #fertility The hashtags will ensure that anyone searching for infertility, weight and/or fertility, will come across this tweet. (I didn't give sex a hashtag, because I doubt the Infertile community and those who work with fertility matters would search "sex" on its own. Also, #sex might lead to SPAM tweets coming to my page.)

Unexpectedly, Twitter also brings some quite special people into my life.  During National Infertility Awareness Week, @MiriamsHope tweeted a link to a video she produced for Resolve's (also see @StirrupQueen)  NIAW campaign "What IF?". I was blown away by Keiko Zoll's strength, creativity and vulnerability and contacted her.  We both mark that week as a transition within ourselves, from being one person wanting to raise some awareness of infertility, serve our individual needs and support others, to being a voice; stepping up to the challenge of being an advocate for fertility in a wider world.  If you haven't read Keiko's guest post, please do.  Now, we use Twitter to exchange information, support and develop a friendship, like these:

MiriamsHope Two bits of good news: formal offer going in first thing tomorrow morning & my m------- came back normal. #hallelujah

yourgreatlife @MiriamsHope That's as good a reason as any to feel celebratory. Wishing you all the best. L xxx

Finally, it's important to consider why someone would follow you. In an ideal world, all of your followers would be people who really want to know what you want to tweet about.  So, for instance, @lisamarsh would attract followers who think my perspective on family life is amusing or helpful, my opinions are interesting, we have similar interests in food, writing, days out, holiday cottages, best beaches, New Jersey, life in a London suburb and/or funny things my kids teach me.  Likewise, @yourgreatlife would attract followers who can benefit from my Support Tips, want to be alerted to my new blog posts, women who are trying to conceive, being treated for infertility, informed on all things fertility-related, or want to network with me. Not to mention, people who may want me to work with them...fertility clinics, peers in the field of fertility, women's magazines and clients.

I guess I'm pretty lucky that I haven't attracted too many spammers or completely inappropriate people who swear more than the very occasional "f---ing this and f---ing that."  I haven't indulged in the automated "add-followers" schemes. Even when I was intrigued enough by @DuncanBannatyne and his #duncansdream (was that it?), I still asked for followers who were interested in fertility matters. I think I gained 2 or 3 followers for that. I can't deny that I like when I log on and see I have gotten a few more followers, but I'm going for quality. (If you are already a follower, you ARE quality!)

I am by no means a Twitter expert, but I love it, I'm on it every day and yes, it has rewarded me with business contacts, news practically as it occurs, new acquaintances, a higher profile than I could achieve without it, a new friend or three, and more than a few laughs. I'm at a slight disadvantage, not having it on my phone, but as soon as I get an IPhone, I will be able to detach myself fom my PC and tweet, waiting for my children while they swim, tumble, trampoline, etc. Don't take my word for it. Try it. You'll like it. Why? Because it's fun and useful and you're worth it.

An Infertile Valentine's Day; Why Celebrating It Matters

A Little Change Will Do Us Good

Last night I was blogging about the imminent Valentine’s Day and what it represents: romance, excitement, a little extra effort, attention paid to your relationship and memories.  This morning, I realized that what I really wanted to say is that Valentine’s Day is really all about change. 

 

Change is a word that can have you buzzing with excitement or dreading it like a molar that needs pulling. I would lay a bet down that more people prefer to avoid change, even if the place they are in, literally or figuratively, is not that great. Change is fearful, but those who embrace it know that risk can bring worthwhile rewards.  The change I am suggesting here is adopting different attitudes and behaviour for this day than you usually display throughout the year.  It needn’t be scary or difficult.

 

Valentine’s Day is the one holiday that doesn’t have us balancing the priorities of work, in-laws or meeting the guys down the pub (they will be with their wives). It’s not only acceptable, but also expected, that you don’t include anyone but the two of you in your plans. It lifts a couple up out of their routine and ignores the mundane actions we take on a daily basis.  As a single woman or girlfriend, I had a few awkward Bridget Jones experiences; sometimes I got lavish attention while other years brought such disappointing V-Days I had a hard time swallowing from the tension.  But marriage is supposed to change all that, isn’t it? It brings a sense of security that your other half will have to have noticed the ads for cards, flowers, restaurant specials and jewellery.  Ha! The advertisers haven’t taken into account the tougher aspects of marriage, including miscarriages infertility, parenthood and tight finances.  That’s where you come in.

 

In the first year in which a couple has begun their efforts to have a child, Valentine’s Day is a lovely way to reassure yourselves that you still adore each other.  Your cards, your breakfast-in-bed tray complete with flower, your text messages and your evening celebration all speak the same language: “everything is fine, we will get past this, it hasn’t been a full year yet, I don’t blame you at all, and we love each other even more now for having gone through adversity together.“ There’s a certain “let’s ignore this and it will go away” collusion. After that first year, when anxiety has set in, and beyond, Valentine’s Day can feel like too much effort.  That’s understood.  Or maybe it’s not.  One of you may believe that you both feel so miserable that no celebration would seem fitting; while the other believes that you have to stick your finger up at infertility and plans a surprise. Uh oh.

Fourteen (14) Tips For February Fourteenth (14th)

 

My number one tip here is to communicate, in words, not in body language. You aren’t dating and trying to impress. You probably aren’t giddy with the first blush of romance. You love and appreciate each other.  You may be hoping your other half brings up the subject first. Take the plunge and say something. 

2.  Use Valentine’s Day as the excuse you may need to revitalize your relationship. Fertility issues can be very draining.  You can get away with more overt gestures of love on the 14^th of February than on any other day in the calendar, so do.

3.  If Sunday is a day often spent with family, cross yourself off that guest list. This is a day for the two of you. Put each other first.

4.  If you are staying home for dinner, make a change or two.  Set the table with a few beautiful pieces. Add a candle.  What you eat isn’t so important; being across from each other at the table is (NOT in front of the TV) so you can look straight at, or reach a hand across to, each other.

5. If you are going to dinner, don’t do the “I don’t care, you choose,” “No, you...” dance. Do care. If you usually go out to the local take-away with Formica tables for pizza, go to the pizza place with candle-lit tables in dark corners. The environment is important, whether at home or out.

6.  Make some ground rules for the day: you may ask that ther be no infertility talk, no bringing up other people’s fertility issues, no apologies about being the one with the problems, possibly no tweeting of updates. Being and doing things together as a twosome, and leaving your followers patiently waiting until Monday, could show where your values lie.

7.  Make a noticeable effort to look good.  Marriage, comfort and long-term stress can divert your attention away from relatively superficial concerns. Leave the tracksuit and sneakers in the closet and put on something you know looks good on you. It makes such a difference to how you carry yourself.

8.  Pull down the shades and put on some music. Dancing is a great way to initiate body contact.  When is the last time you just relaxed in each other’s arms, with no agenda?

9.  Valentine’s Day can be as simple or extravagant as you want.  I find that restaurants never show their best side on these kinds of “theme” days. Another idea is to book in to a Spa for the day  and swim and lunch together in between treatments.  If you don’t have money to splash around, some low cost alternatives are a romantic DVD, a bowl of pink and silver wrapped Hershey’s Kisses, sparkling water in wine glasses and a gift certificate for a massage to be redeemed immediately (don’t forget the scented oil).

10. Make a little show of turning the answering machine on and the mobile phones off. Give each other 100% attention.

11.  If you already have a child at home and no babysitter handy, write out an invitation for him (or her) to join you in the shower, at the dining table or on the sofa, for a private celebration 15 minutes after your child’s bedtime.

12.  Men; do not let a woman go through an entire Valentine’s Day thinking you forgot, just so you can surprise her at 8 p.m. Her self-esteem may have taken a big hit from her miscarriage or infertility, so that very long day may add to her worries about your relationship.

13.  Have fun! You can go back to the serious stuff the next day.  Changing the way you relate to each other adds a little sparkle. It isn’t fake; it’s just less attention to your worries and more attention to what you have together.

14.  If you enjoy the change, don’t stop with Valentine’s Day; repeat it.  Unfortunately, it’s all too easy to say “we should do this more often.”  Instead, how about scheduling a date night once a month when you can block out the world and focus on enjoying each other.  Make sure it happens by drawing a little red heart on the day you choose for next month.

 

Hopefully, you are like two lovebirds and Valentine's Day is the icing on the cake, in which case you probably have it all figured out already.  However, for those other couples whose infertility and/or miscarriage have taken a big toll on their relationship, the 14 tips above are a rescue remedy.  Don't be afraid of showing how much you are still attracted to him. Revive some of the humour that has been missing for a while.  Whether your Valentine's Day is tender, passionate, planned down to the last detail or lighthearted and spontaneous, the change will do you good.

Embracing Valentine's Day

Reconnecting, Remembering, Relief and Roses

Valentine's Day seems to be a love-hate thing. Lots of people mouth off about how commercial it is;  bringing to mind expensive, rip-off restaurant meals, cards, gifts and flowers.  There is that tacky side of it, for sure.  That's until they receive something gorgeous, unbearably cute or thoughtful from the man or woman of their dreams. However, even to its fans, Valentine's Day is acknowledged to be one of those dates on the calendar that has the potential to be deliriously happy, disappointing or disastrous.

I'm a fan-for-life of Valentine's Day. I have always received a card, if not a gift of something with hearts on, from my parents. This has now snowballed into cards from them to me and the children, from me to them, and from Honey and Pip to their grandparents. I even send them to two of my Aunts. We make sure to write Feb 14 on the back so that no one casually opens theirs a few days early. When I was growing up in NJ, it was common practice for all of us to bring tiny cards for each child in the class.  We had chocolate heart lollipops and sugar hearts on an elastic string necklace, with messages like "You're the one" or "Be mine" stamped on them . We wore them, biting the sweets off one by one, until the last candy heart was gone.

I can totally accept that Valentine's Day is sort of sicky-sweet nonsense to some people.  Let them eat MacDonald's and pretend not to search the post for a card. They can't spoil my fun.  I will serve my family dessert in heart-shaped bowls that rarely see the light of day. I have already bought 2 bags of heart-shaped chocolates wrapped in pink foil for the kids. I have a card for my husband, which he will open at the kitchen table while I make breakfast; I may even attempt heart-shaped pancakes. He will catch my eye in a silent exchange of understanding over the kids' heads. We have been through a lot since the Valentine's Day 13 years ago when he proposed.

What does Valentine's Day feel like to a couple sapped of the energy that fuels romance? I don't have to bring up the subject of infertility in every one of my blog posts, however, there's no doubt that it needs to be addressed in this one. Infertility doesn't stop at reproductive health; it has a knock-on effect on the health and richness of relationships. There's a naive sweetness to Valentine's Day, even to long-married couples. It's the memory of early dates, a first celebration, giddy romance and incongruous behaviour. Even the biggest, roughest bear of a guy can earn a wide-eyed, ear-to-ear grin from a woman with a card and a bunch of red roses (I prefer red tulips).  The most pragmatic, low-maintenance girl can put on her best jeans and some perfume, whether they are going out for pizza and beer or to the most intimate French bistro.

When that couple has spent the past year consumed with sadness, doctor's appointments, medical procedures, and dozens of pee-sticks? The innocence or passion of previous Valentine's Days won't be quite the same.  Miscarriage brutally squeezes the bubbly, excited-to-be-pregnant energy out of you and throws it back in your face. Infertility slowly drains you of hope and confidence, making you work hard to summon the motivation to keep going. I remember looking back at Valentine's Days of years before and wishing I could turn back the clocks.  We made an effort, we made reservations and we went right back to the complications of married life, work and infertility the following morning. Those are the Valentine's Day celebrations I don't remember.

So, will you pretend to ignore Valentine's Day or will you embrace it?  Thankfully, the decision is just between the two of you, as this is one holiday that doesn't include your families. Maybe you are just not able to enter that celebratory space this week, but you can spend a quiet Sunday reading the newspaper over a scrambled egg brunch in your pjs.  If you agree the level of your attention to it, you can step it up to involve cards, a bottle of wine and a rom-com.  If you say "what the heck, let's do it," go all the way. Dress up for each other, wash your hair and take out something that sparkles. Pop over to Barcelona for the weekend, or reserve a table at Galvin's, overlooking Hyde Park and let yourself go. It's healthy to take yourself out of the everyday mindset and experience an uncommon rush of emotion. It makes you feel alive again.

Why does it matter? Because the two of you matter. In my opinion, if you totally ignore Valentine's Day it's like ignoring the link between you; the reason you are together. There are times when it feels like you are two people driving down the motorway to the same destination, but in separate cars.  You want the promise of your early relationship to become a reality. You don't want that baby just for the sake of it. You want that baby to make a couple into a family.

Forget the appointments, the test results, what is coming up the following week, the decisions you have to make. Kiss like you mean it, and mean it.  Make love with the intention to arouse, delight and rock the house, with no regard to the time of day, or the day of your cycle. There's enough time in your year to be serious and goal-oriented. Take the weight off your shoulders for one day and only have eyes for each other.  I'm sending you vibes of that little fat Cupid with the bow and arrow. It's up to you whether to invite him in or shut the door. You know what I would do.

I almost never forward jokes, but...

I laughed out loud.

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.

However, when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump (substitute a baseball bat if you're American) shoved up his backside.

No, I did not write this joke. I have no idea who did. It was sent to me by someone else with a sense of humour.