What Kind of Support Do You Need? - Finding the support you need for your infertility can be a challenge. Whether it's out of respect for your privacy, uneasiness with the subject or insensitivity, the people you thought you could rely on don't always respond the way you thought they would. However, you can find the right kind of support if you a) are open to unexpected sources and b) are willing to ask for it. Rather than assuming that your best support can be had from those closest to you, be open to the possibility that there will actually be better opportunities elsewhere. The trick is to first think about the type of support you need, and then identify who can provide it. Here are some examples:
- someone who will really listen
- someone who will come with me to the doctor
- another woman who has had personal experience of infertility and IVF
- friends who will understand when I don't want to talk
- a colleague who can fill in for me at work
- understanding when I am feeling too fragile to go to children's parties, baby showers and other events
- a stand-in when my husband can't give me my daily injections
- an ally at family get-togethers who will update others about our efforts
- a saviour at parties or who can step in when I give the "please save me" signal
- a friend who will hold me accountable for my commitment to healthy living
Refine Your List of Supporters - Now, split your list of needs into two, under the headings: emotional support and practical support. Think of who is best placed to provide each type of support. If your husband has to be at work at 7:00 a.m. and can’t go to medical appointments with you, would your mother do? Your cool, calm and collected sister may be a great ally at those family events. The high school friend who lives 1,000 miles away in a different time zone may be an understanding confidante when you can't sleep in the night. Then, be prepared for unexpected sources of support.
I've often heard women say that it wasn't until they were open about their infertility that they heard of so many others who are also infertile or who miscarried. This is where Infertility's Common Thread comes in. See my blog post from the 23rd of November, 2009. You can support and motivate each other.
- A work colleague may confide that she is also trying to conceive. A sympathetic smile across the office can help you get through the day.
- You may click with another woman you overhear talking in the RE's waiting room, the gym, the nail salon or in the chemist shop (pharmacy).
- If you are having difficulty with making lifestyle changes (de-stressing, weight loss or gain, aerobic activity, etc...) you can pay for a certain type of support from a yoga instructor, a nutritionist or a personal trainer.
- If you hear about a woman undergoing a treatment you have considered, don't refuse her telephone number.
Go for it. Use these contacts when you feel strong enough or the need is big enough. Infertility seems like a sensitive subject to a lot of people. They don't want to intrude, so they may wait for you to show signs of openness to that kind of conversation. So, breach the gap yourself.
When No One Close at Hand Will Do - Infertility forums are wonderful resources for information, camaraderie and supportive conversations. The forums all seem to have a personality of their own, so cruise a few of them for a few days to figure out which one is a good fit for you. There are also hundreds of blogs written by infertile women (and a few by men)to which you can subscribe. Again, cruise the blogs until you find an appropriate few, keeping in mind that they are the product of someone else's personal experiences, attitude and knowledge level. After a little while, if you keep reading and commenting on the forum(s) or blog(s) of your choice, you will feel a part of that community and support. The only caveat is that you must not take someone else's experience or opinion as valid medical advice unless they are qualified; always check with your doctor before trying anything that could delay or interfere with your medical treatment.
Professional Support - Last, but not least, there is an advantage in having a specialist fertility coach if you believe you are not coping well with your infertility. Are you having difficulty accepting a diagnosis, focusing on your work, communicating with your partner or making decisions about how to proceed? Do you feel less feminine, less confident or hopeless? Has romantic and passionate lovemaking been replaced with scheduled sexual intercourse?
The criteria to look for in a coach include training, rapport between the two of you and their ability to teach and motivate you to achieve the positive changes you are after. In fertility coaching, this may include you changing some of the attitudes and behaviours that may be getting in the way of creating and/or building a family. You will notice that I didn't say "conceiving or giving birth," though that may be your top priority. There may be more immediate concerns about your marriage, your finances and your health or the more long-term issue of what you will do if you never conceive. By aligning your goals with your value system, your coach may be able to help you determine if and when to stop trying to conceive, end fertility treatment or consider an alternative path to parenting.
While coaches don't absolutely need to have personal experience with a client's issues to be effective, I believe that it is a genuine advantage in the area of fertility coaching. Infertility affects so many different aspects of a woman's life; it can threaten what may be a lifelong dream, her life plan, her relationship with and her perception of responsibility to her partner, her self-esteem, her identity, her ideal of femininity, her position in society (depending upon her culture) and her general sense of happiness and completeness. Diagnosis can be uncertain, statistics regarding success rates can be depressing and medical treatment can be lengthy, confusing and expensive.
Keeping a balance between this aspect of your life and the rest can be so challenging when having a baby is your top priority. And yet, there are successes even after all that. Expectations need to be managed, however, room must be left for hope. A fertility coach who has had difficulty conceiving will have an authentic understanding of the fertility rollercoaster.
In the end, it's your choice of how open or private you will be about your infertility, how needy or self-sufficient you will feel while exploring your options or undergoing treatment, how trusting of others you can be with your confidences. Supporters can change, as new people come into your life. Will you recognize them when they do?
Tomorrow: Joining a Fertility Support Group
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