your great life

Two heads are better than one; Avoiding the pitfalls of difficult decision-making

How do you and your partner make decisions? Some couples, though few and far between, seem to always be on the same wavelength, easily taking each new decision in their stride and coming to a conclusion together. I envy them, don't you? Even though my husband and I have similar values, we often go about decision-making exercises in completely different ways. He says I make everything hard work, while I say he jumps to conclusions. He doesn't read me well and I expect him to know what I'm thinking.  It makes for some very spirited discussions between us, which are an integral part of our relationship after 15 years. The good thing is that we now recognize each other's modus operandi and know to stop, take a breath and ask the right questions. The challenge of making vital decisions about your fertility treatment and other parenting options can not only be difficult, they can be imbalanced and/or divisive. This is hard work, but it pays off and will help your relationship in the long run.

Bad timing - Often, the scenario is that we go to doctor's appointments, bring home information and present it to our partners, expecting to resolve an issue there and then. Whoa!!! Think before you speak. When you bring up the conversation, what you say and how you deliver it will all have an effect upon how this information is received.  An emotional delivery is likely to put the other person's defenses up immediately. Likewise, leaving the discussion until you both fall into bed, tired from a long day, is not a good idea. You may think it's the only place you get undivided attention, but bedtime is for intimacy and sleeping, not grappling with life issues that could have you twisting and turning all night. Trying to conceive is fraught with all sorts of stresses, so don't add to them by making decision-making more difficult than it needs to be.  

Top tips: 

1. write out what you want to talk about;
2. practice what you want to talk about out loud first;
3. hold off the conversation until your partner has had a chance to unwind; and
4. tell your partner what you want to talk about so he or she has a chance to formulate their own thoughts.

The "special-needs" of infertility - While most of the tips here apply to marital conversations about any topic, decision-making in the infertility area is highly charged with emotion because it goes to the core of who you are as an individual, how you see yourselves as a couple, and your vision of how you will be a family. At steps along the way, you can re-visit how important it is to each of you to be parents, how you feel about yourself and your (or his) infertility, external pressures on you to become pregnant, how your love life is coping with the stresses of medical scrutiny and intervention and, most importantly, your values.  I never assume that partners have exactly the same values, or priority order of values.

When we initially discuss how a client is handling a particular issue, I often get one answer, but a far different picture once we delve a little deeper. The tidied-up version originally given is usually part of what I call your "marriage-story." We all create these stories and dutifully bring them out when we run into people we don't see very often; a lightly entertaining version of the truth. They only scratch the surface and are meant as harmless conversation. The trouble with them is when we begin to believe the story we have created and fail to look beneath the surface ourselves.

I used to tell people that my husband wouldn't let me start trying to conceive for one year after we married, because he wanted us to have that time to focus just on each other. Then, when we did begin trying, I miscarried repeatedly. Though lightly said, the implication was that it was his fault if I had run out of good quality eggs and couldn't have children. The fact is, neither of us had any reason to predict that I would have fertility problems of any sort. I agreed to wait and then resented him because of the consequences. Out of fairness to him, I have adjusted my marriage-story... the fact is we agreed to wait a year. It also taught me a hard-won lesson; to be true to myself, speak up and stand my ground.

Re-assess your values - When decision-making isn't going well because a couple is going around in circles, I use a coaching tool called a values assessment exercise to focus them. By going back to fundamentals, we tease out your core values and how deeply they run. You may think this is straightforward; after all, we all value love, honesty,family and good health, right? But by ordering and re-ordering your values, you begin to see the fine distinctions that can make all the difference to a difficult decision.

Assuming that you are trying to conceive, having a family is likely to fall in your top ten values. If you are undergoing fertility investigations or treatment, and it's all you think and/or talk about, it will be placed high on the list. However, where it places in the top five may vary relative to the other values that are on the list. Marital relationship or love may come out stronger. Good health could be optimum for a person who has had, or cared for someone in, poor health. Financial security is a value that is very variable, even among couples. There are so many others: spirituality, friendship, romance, lifestyle, etc... A very telling question is whether they value being parents higher than having a biological child, or being pregnant.  By going through this process together, a couple may find that one of them has much stronger feelings about the sacrifices they may have to make to create their family.

Fear - If you are using the words "what if" repeatedly, it's worth examining what you fear may happen as a consequence of your decision. What if we go ahead with this procedure and it causes more damage? What if we take a break from treatment and we waste valuable months of possible conception? What if I say yes to egg donation and then, down the road, the baby doesn't feel as much mine as my husband's? What if...?  The list can go on and on. It's entirely normal to feel fear and to want reassurance that what we decide will be the best choice. No one can guarantee results, so that reassurance is likely to fall short. The challenge is to find within you the strength and willingness to take the risk and to hope for the best outcome.

It's your life; take full responsibility - It may seem that it would be easier if someone else made these decisions for us, however, that would actually be the worst case scenario.  Why? Transferring your crucial decision to someone else strips you of power or control. The lack of control you may already feel because your body isn't doing what you want it to do, would be exacerbated by this, causing extreme stress. While the decision-making process is stressful in itself, there are useful aspects to it when done in a healthy way, such as promoting conversation between you, having the meeting of minds as a common goal, balancing the control in your relationship and taking ownership of the decisions arrived at together.

Conversation - In order to hone in on the essential question to be answered, you and your partner will have plenty of conversation about the issue involved.  Sometimes it may seem that this is all you talk about. You are sick of talking. You want to go back to talking about music, planning vacations and world peace.  I don't blame you. My answer: take enforced breaks from talking about your infertility and trying to conceive, but agree when and where you will talk about it again.

You may each decide to discuss your decision-making with others too. Voicing the options and the imagined consequences will help you sort it out, clearing out some of the mental clutter as you go along. It also gives context to any fears you may be having. Men often have difficulty admitting to fear and feel the need to reassure their partners when they express fear. If you make it clear that you don't expect him to be a tower of strength, it may give him the permission he needs to express this often-repressed emotion. You may be surprised at where his thoughts are going, but don't dismiss them as silly or you may not get him to open up again in the future.

The balance of power - You may be surprised to know that there is usually one dominant partner in a relationship (not just in yours). When someone is absolutely convinced that they have the correct answer, it can be difficult to keep your own conviction strong. If the less convinced one prevaricates, they could be steam-rolled by an argument heavily weighted in their partner's favour. It's important that both parties are heard; that they believe their feelings and opinions have been given equal consideration. If you know that you are the stronger-minded person, try taking a step back to allow your partner to express themselves. If you're frustrated by how your partner takes over, gather your courage and suggest you do a SWOT list together, which will help you lay your argument out on paper.

The dominant decision-maker is not always the obviously confident person. One person can grab power merely by refusing to budge an inch. No discussion means no negotiation and no compromise. Eventually, the other person may just give up, however, it will almost certainly cause resentment in the future. Even if one of you is more convinced about the way forward, the other one must arrive at a state of acceptance that the intended result is one they can live with. Try talking out the worst-case scenario for each option, so everyone knows the risks.

The happiness card - One person may gain the upper edge by playing the happiness card. "It doesn't feel right." "It's not fair." This is what I have always dreamed about and now..." The worst one of all is "if you really loved me, you would..."  Infertility is hard, unfair, exhausting, lonely, expensive, scary, confusing, painful and not even-handed.  One of you may have to shoulder the greater physical burden, while the other may feel more stressed emotionally or financially. However, ultimately, you are in this together and the best way to do that is to maintain open, clear and honest communication.  Never forget that a baby is not a commodity. A baby will not make an unhappy couple happy or a dysfunctional couple functional. Remind yourselves frequently why you want to have a child together and be as generous and loving to each other as possible. That way, your fertility journey doesn't become a lost highway.

Eliminate guilt - In fertility investigations, there is quite a lot of emphasis placed on which person has the reproductive health issue (although, sometimes it's both people). That doesn't mean that one person is to blame. How could it be, when the conditions that make up the infertility weren't purposefully created? Guilt really confuses the fertility issues and speaks more about the person, how she sees herself and her security within her relationship. (This applies equally to men.) Even when sincere, guilt is a misplaced emotion that impairs your thinking and interferes with the process of comparing valid options.

Two types of guilt often present among infertile couples:

1. what one person can't provide their partner; a biological child, the experience of being pregnant, or being parents at all; and
2. what one regrets the other person has to endure in order to give them a chance of a biological child, the experience of being pregnant, or being parents. This could include pain, stress, exhaustion, loss of self-esteem, loss ofromance and passion in the relationship, financial insecurity and/or change of lifestyle.

Either scenario is likely to leave one person afraid to even bring up certain options, let alone express interest in them. If that's the case, they aren't getting to air all of their questions and feelings, which throws the decision-making process out of balance.  I've got 3 useful rules to keep in mind.

• 1st rule: don't leave words unsaid; your partner isn't a mind reader.
• 2nd rule: don't assume what your partner is thinking or feeling.
• 3rd rule: don't confuse guilt with sadness.

Identifying emotions - Sadness is a legitimate emotion when you have suffered pain and/or loss or observed that suffering in others.  Guilt is a number you do on your own head, placing yourself at the center of a scenario and assuming that it revolves around you and your behaviour.  A healthy expression of sadness might be "I always thought I'd have a baby of my own and I feel sad that we can't conceive our own biological child together." Guilt sounds more like "without my infertility she (or he) would have a child of his/her own. I'm useless."

Mr Duck, above, fails to ask Mrs Duck an important question ...will she consider donor eggs so they can have a baby? That's his real guilt; that he wants to consider the option that could result in her conceiving his baby with another woman's egg. He feels disloyal. But, think about this: Mrs Duck may very well be distraught and tired, but it could actually be freeing to be given an alternative treatment option, not relying upon her own eggs. By not initiating the conversation, he is making a unilateral decision, taking away his wife's power to contribute. He also gives up any chance of conceiving with a donor egg and may always wonder if it could have worked. By letting his guilt rule, he shortchanges both of them.

I can give no better advice than talk, talk and talk more! If you find yourself unable to bridge the gap between you, to talk without arguing, to shed yourself of interfering guilt or to even come up with legitimate options which you can discuss openly, stop struggling and get some coaching.  It is the best process I know for clearing a path through all of the obstacles to arrive at the core of your issues, and then systematically resolving them. It could change the way you cope with your infertility, the way you work together as a couple and the way you make the essential decisions about your treatment or other paths to parenting.

 

Something went bump in the night - Pre-teens and Pimples

No.2 in a series: Single fathers raising, caring for and talking to pre-teen daughters about her body

As your daughter approaches puberty, changes are bubbling and brewing under her skin, waiting for a chance to erupt: pimples and breasts. OMG!!! That would be a typical reaction on her part..."I can't go to school. Daddy, please write me a medical absence note."  Hopefully, she isn't the first child in her class to get either of them. You may want to start praying now that she is neither the first, nor the last of the girls in her class for either type of new growth.  At lease, let someone else's child go first, pleeeease. Today I'm talking less about pimples, than about how you, as a single Dad, can help your daughter cope with some of the less welcome aspects of growing up.

If there aren't any women or older sisters in your daughter's life and it's all down to you to help her through this coming-of-age trauma, G-d bless you. Think back to your own pre-teen time and try to remember how you felt when your very first, red, shiny and possibly painful pimple took up residence on your face. I think it's fair to say that most of us approached the mirror with a mixture of curiosity and disgust and then checked every 5 minutes to see if it had gone yet.

She may try to deal with it on her own first. You may find "pimple" in the history of her Google searches. She may be whispering into the phone a lot.  I advise you to pretend ignorance before she brings up the subject herself, no matter how glaring the mini-mountain.  If she pretends that the pimple isn't there, you would be best to ignore it too. The positive message you are giving her is that if she's not bothered, you're not bothered.

But, what do you do if your daughter reacts as if Mt Vesuvius is erupting on her nose? Panic. Evacuate. The sky is falling. The way that you respond is crucial to this second test (first was hygiene) of your new relationship. "What new relationship; nothing's changed" you might ask. It surely has. Before, you were the father who picked her up from a fall, kissed the bruise and put a Band-Aid on it, reassuring her that everything would be fine.  That will not placate her now. Instead, you must be careful:

• Don't use more negative or exaggerated words than the ones she uses;
• Don't react emotionally. Do not say "you're growing up. You're not my little girl anymore," because that will confirm her worst fears (that comes in my next post about breasts). She wants you to help, protect and support her; or
• Don't laugh, say she is over-reacting or call her silly. Her face has been smooth, soft and unadorned all of her short life thus far. Now she has a Christmas tree bauble on it.

Equip yourself with both emotional and practical tools for parenting in this area, traditionally the domain of mothers.

In your Single Father's Toolkit, make sure you have:

• familiarity with a good search engine,
• friendship with the Mom of at least one of her friends,
• knowledge of which pharmacy and/or supermarket is open late,
• familiarity with trusted names in skincare,
• calm, patience and wisdom, confidence; and most of all
• time and attention to devote to your daughter. 

Back to that pimple now. If she is hysterical, or extremely low, comfort her. Look your daughter in the eyes and keep calm, speaking to her with a soothing voice. Be patient. Don't drop away. Eventually, she will calm down too. If she seems able to listen, tell her what causes a pimple. If you know what something is or how it works, explain. If you don't, it's not necessary to bluff. You will earn much more credibility by being honest, so look it up together, or ask if you can talk to her a little later.  Patiently, explain to her how to keep her face clean and not to scratch, pick or otherwise attack her pimple.

The most painful part of having pimples is the social aspect of it. She still has to go to school.  She will probably worry that she will be stared at, teased or called a name. Even if there's not a boy-crush to worry about, other kids can be insensitive or even cruel when they see a sign of vulnerability. It's not necessarily going to be bad, but you can't promise her that it won't happen. Remind her that she has friends there, who care about her feelings. Reassure her...if her classmates haven't had one yet, their time will come. She will have an opportunity to be kind toward them, adopting a stance of blemish-blindness; what you pretend you don't see becomes invisible.

Next up is my discussion of how to cope with your daughter's feelings about her breasts

Single fathers raising, caring for and talking to pre-teen daughters about her body

Personal hygiene: No. 1 in a series about girls growing up

If you are a single father, raising an adolescent or teenage daughter on your own, having a talk with her about her body can be really difficult.  It's hard to know when is the right time. Do you arrange a conversation the moment you notice a slight roundness developing where breasts will be soon? You both may be appalled to realize that you noticed. This is your little girl. You want her to be informed, responsible and savvy to the threat that is called "teenage boys." You want her to stay your little girl. How do you reconcile the two?

These days, the school curriculum includes sex education for children who are 9 to 10 years old. It seems so young, but if you have done the school run lately, you will notice that 10 year old boys look like someone has grabbed them by shoulders and feet and stretched them to an awkward height. Girls' legs are becoming shapely and they are noticing some hair on their legs.  Both the boys and the girls are whispering about crushes one minute and furiously playing dodgeball together the next.You may find some hearts with scribbled-out names inside her notebook. Do NOT panic.

Dad, I'll make it easy on you by listing the topics you may need (even if you don't want) to explain.  Do not assume what she knows, what her friends talk about in the playground, or how much of the sex ed class she heard while burying her flaming cheeks behind her fingers. There is no hard and fast rule that says you have to do all of the explaining yourself.  However, if you are chief cook, laundryman, shopper and source of comfort to your daughter, you are responsible for making sure she is informed, in the most positive way possible.

This is where you may need some help from a sister, aunt or close female friend.  Don't completely pass the buck, but

1. talk to one of the women in your daughter's life and ask if she is willing to be the touchstone for your daughter's questions.
2. Each time you introduce a subject, ask your daughter if she would prefer talking to you, or the woman you chose. 
3. Break it down into bits, because (cue the sirens and flashing red lights now) telling too much at once is too much information. If you attempt to give her the top to toe explanation too quickly or too much in depth, it's likely that she will say "T - M - I!" (too much information)  Stop, right there and then. The topic will come up again when she's ready.

That being said, there are practical reasons why you need to discuss personal subjects. First up is hygiene. You may feel shocked the first time you smell body odor while hugging your little angel or bringing her laundry down to the washer. Get over it quickly. Too much attention paid to this and you will have lost her before you start.

Calmly, bring up the subject of deodorant/anti-perspirant, for instance: "have any of your girlfriends started using deodorant?" If she is ready for this conversation, explain why underarms smell (Google it) and how washing is important. Take her to the shop and let her look at the bottles of deodorant for awhile and smell them until she finds one she likes. Remember to tell her that deodorant goes on after a shower, not instead of one.  Whatever you do, do not tease her.  She may seem either disgusted or relieved that she knows what to do, or both, and possibly even a little proud of having hit a milestone in her life.

Dad, listen closely. Do not think about killing 2 or 3 birds with 1 stone; there is no need to discuss pimples, vaginal cleanliness and feminine hygiene products all at the same time. One step at a time, or you will lose ground. Do not buy overly scented items, inappropriate for young girls and a possible source of skin irritation. People who clean themselves regularly should not need to use feminine body spray. Anyway, they usually smell like air freshener meant for the toilet. Just give her moisturizing soap of her own that you do not use for her body. Tip - young girls can be rendered hysterical by one stray, adult, pubic hair on a bar of soap.

Come back this week for my next post on single fathers and pre-teen/early teen daughters. Future topics will include:

• Breasts and bras;
• Shaving, bleaching and clipping;
• Moody blues (door-slamming);
• Periods;
• The talk about sex; and
• Privacy (no one in her knickers but her)

Oh, please leave a Comment below if there is anything else you want me to blog about in this series.

He doesn't get it, but that's okay

Tell me, truthfully...do you really want your partner to feel the same way you do about everything? You may think that would make life so much easier.  Haven't we all moaned at one time or another: "Why can't they be more like us?" Sure you have.

If you haven't ever thought about it that way, make a list of all of the important aspects of your life: marriage, parenthood, friendship, health, money, career. in-laws, infertility. Then, make a list of those personal traits in others who figure in your life right now and how each affects you. Relationships. Fairness. The way a boss treats us. The expectations a parent or parent-in-law has of us. The insensitivity of a friend. The rudeness of a doctor. The stonewalling by an insurance company agent.

Q: How does your husband react?

A: "He doesn't get it. He thinks I'm overstating it. He doesn't understand."

Q: How would you like him to react?

A: "He should (flashing red light here) feel the same way I do."

Think about this: You have a problem and you want to talk about it. He thinks "uh-oh, there goes NCIS, or the World Cup."  You try to explain it to your husband and you get a minute or two of focused attention. Sometimes, you get useless advice, like "don't let it get to you"  or "it's going to be fine. Have you ever raged about something to do with job, family commitments, or fertility treatment and been answered with "What do you want to do? Do you want to quit?" Look at your husband as if he's crazy and truly doesn't get it. You will probably be rewarded with an infuriating "What do you want me to say?" 

If you're anything like me, you often wish you had told one of your best girlfriends instead.  Even if she doesn't have any experience of the event that upset you, she will have experience of a supporting role and she will know what is required. So, she listens attentively and doesn't try to kill two birds with one stone by fixing a broken power tool at the same time.  Best girlfriends know when to stay silent and when to speak, what tone of voice to use, when to offer a hug, a drink, a pint of Ben + Jerry's, some scathing words for your nemesis, when to drag you to a soppy movie and when to cry with you. She'll understand that you need to get it out, but that quitting isn't an option.

Ex. you and your husband are having fertility treatment to conceive. He comes home from work, happy to see you. Within minutes you are telling him how much you hate seeing one of the doctors at the clinic, because he's dismissive. It's stressing you out and you are supposed to avoid stress.  You worry that if you complain about the doctor to someone at the clinic it could compromise their commitment to your treatment. Stress, frustration, anger, stress.... 

What is his response? Would it be helpful if both of you occupied that emotional space?  "No, but..." you still want him to mirror your feelings. It won't happen that way. He isn't on mood-altering drugs. He isn't being subjected to daily visits to the clinic, but when he goes with you, he doesn't pick up on the nuances of your welcome by the receptionist, your abandonment in an empty room with nothing more than a hankie to cover your body, the tone of voice the doctor uses and his haste.

Why do we think that our male partners should see or feel things the same way we do?  There's so much contradiction there. We have all heard that "opposites attract." Then, we hear people say that they are "soul-mates." I'm not that cynical a person, but that word always makes me wince. Even when men demonstrate some insight into your feelings with such clarity that you wonder how you could have misjudged him  all this time; the next shock will be how he reacts in the same, old, male way to the next crisis. You will wonder whether you imagined it all.

Think about it; If you and your partner both absorb painful experiences in the same way, you have twice the potential of collapsing under the weight; of falling apart. Misery loves company, but what you really need when you're in a state is someone who can help you see the light when YOU are ready to open the blinds.

My husband and I have remarked over the years how it's good that we are rarely ill at the same time.  Additionally, we hardly ever feel emotionally low (okay, depressed) at the same time.  Maybe it's because we are complete opposites.  Maybe because we are each vulnerable and need someone in the cheering section to bring us back up. When I feel confused, frustrated or angry, it reassures me that my husband seems steady and calm. If I want someone to take over when I am ill or an actual shoulder to cry on, he's there. If I want more intuitive understanding and support, my girlfriends are there.

Take the pressure off your man to empathize completely and see how he practically skips on air with relief. It doesn't mean he's off the hook completely; he has to at least make some effort to understand. However, I think you will find that it can actually feel quite freeing to not feel that dependency on him to confirm that you are right. Just assume you are and go to the best source you know for agreement.

*Wide-ranging generalizations about men's limited capacity for emotional intelligence have been used for the writing of this story. Please don't write to tell me that I hate men (I don't) or that my assumptions are presumptuous. If your man has a generous share of feminine qualities, and agrees with everything you think, feel and say, just count your blessings and let the rest of us whinge.

The Man Who Would Trade His Daughter For a House; what makes a person a parent?

How an article about paternity fraud got me thinking about 3rd Party ART

I love reading the weekend papers but, these days, I often don't finish the weekend papers until mid-week. I savour my quiet time, often taking sections with me to bed, or grabbing 10 minutes with my morning coffee, while the children are looking for lost shoes and doing a last-minute brush of the teeth (I hope).  There hasn't been much of that recently, so, just this weekend, I finally grabbed my last section of the previous Sunday's Times, the News Review, before it hit the recycling pile. 

I mention my reading habits, which may not interest you, because I'm all churned up by an article published in the News Review a week ago, which I suppose, can no longer be called "current events."  Surprisingly, for a quirky and emotive issue, I hadn't heard about it from  a week's worth of morning chat shows. No one has mentioned it to me. Has no one read "She's not my daughter - I want my money back," written by Margarette Driscoll, or is it that I am the only one in the UK who is horrified by it?

Driscoll tells of a man named James who discovered 5 months ago that his 17-year old daughter is actually the biological child of a man his wife met on holiday. As part of his divorce settlement the year before, James had generously given the family house to his ex-wife so that his beloved daughter Ella's life, would not be disrupted by a change of home. Subsequently, a "death-bed" confession of sorts by an informed friend and 2 secretive DNA tests were all it took to blow it all to bits. Now James wants his share of the house back, because he has discovered Ella isn't his biological daughter. Suddenly, Ella's stability and lifestyle are no longer James' priority.

Burning over what he calls his ex-wife's deceit in allegedly keeping Ella's paternity a secret, James wants to sue her to recoup his 40% stake in the house back as compensation for being duped.  But what of the child herself?  This is a girl who adored her father and apparently, he was, in his words "proud [and] devoted" to her. It's like Bambi in the headlights, or the killing of former friends and neighbours in a war zone; mistaking the murder of innocents as collateral damage. This man is so bitter about the paternity fraud his ex-wife allegedly perpretrated against him that he was willing to commit, in my opinion, the far greater injury of dis-owning a child.  He  told her that it wouldn't change anything between them, but in hindsight, he admits "of course, it does."  They sat in his car and cried. Now they don't talk about it. James says that Ella realizes it's about fairness. Oooh. I'd place a bet that says she doesn't.

Driscoll says that James must weigh the potential (emotional, I'm assuming) damage of a lawsuit to Ella against "his own raw, sense of injustice." Hasn't Ella been irrevocably damaged by the revelations already?  James says he's been robbed of money and grandchildren. If "Ella has children, they won't be [his] grandchildren."  Therein lies the real problem: how James defines parent, child, grandfather, grandchildren and unconditional love.  This is where my mind started to stray into the area of fertility, medical progress and 3rd party donor sperm and eggs. 

What makes a person a parent? 

I have been exploring how people come to terms with using 3rd party assisted reproduction techniques to create their family. While James and Ella themselves have no connection to the people who need sperm or egg donation for family-building, the link is the question: What makes a person a parent? People who utilize 3rd party ART to create an embryo, may be:

• single women who are not in a relationship and intend to parent a child on their own;
• heterosexual couples in which one or both of them cannot produce healthy sperm and/or eggs, and want their partner to be able to have a biological child;
• lesbian couples who need sperm to fertilize eggs belonging to one of the women; and
• gay men and single, heterosexual men who need a surrogate to host a pregnancy, using the surrogate's or another woman's eggs.
• any of the above, who opt for embryo donation, so that neither of the parents are genetically linked to the child.

My question is not one of legality, because that varies with countries. We know that there's fully informed intention to parent with the 3rd party donation.  It's more about belonging; bonding emotionally with a child to such an extent that they can't imagine not being that child's parent, even if something is revealed later in life about their genetic parents or health. The origin of the child, becomes quite "beside the point," eclipsed by love and lifelong commitment.

Though thousands do it, it's still a huge leap of faith for anyone seeking to create a family, to go outside the normal template of mom + dad = baby. It rides on the acceptance and trust of the person who is not going to be the biological parent of their child (excepting the embryo donation scenario).  Some people will really struggle with this decision. Will I be my child's real parent in my partner's eyes, in my child's heart and in my own heart, forever? Others will grasp at the option, thrilled to be able to experience the pregnancy and personal birth experience of their baby, regardless of their ability to produce good quality eggs or sperm. When it works, it's a beautiful thing. It's a gift.

As these scenarios continuously become more mainstream, the biggest leap forward in the public consciousness has been the acceptance of a child created through 3rd party ART as the parent's own.  Never mind that when it was new, egg and sperm donation seemed rather freakish. Two important societal changes have taken place to reframe them as a logical and acceptable solution: 1) the passage of laws allowing same-sex parents and 2) a growth in public awareness of infertility.  In a chicken-and-egg dance, medical science has had to catch up with the needs of the IF community, and at the same time, lead the way, making it possible for women to be pregnant and give birth to their child, with either father or mother not genetically related to the child.

The 87% segment of the population that is fertile, knows little of the sacrifices and compromises members of the IF community makes to have their family.  One of the worst "throw-away" lines offered up to an infertile person, is "Well, you can always adopt!"  That's as if adopting is so easy to do!  It's not. The decision to adopt a baby has to pass similar hurdles.  For the infertile person who has always dreamed of a family of their own, there are so many reasons why they would want to keep trying to conceive: love, legacy, experiencing pregnancy, pre-natal bonding, giving birth or supporting a woman through childbirth, having more control (perhaps), etc.  

Others may wonder how an infertile partner will feel about parenting a child who isn't genetically their own, but does have a genetic connection to the other parent. It's unique to each family. In the best case scenario, she/he would feel grateful that modern medicine gives them this option and make no distinction between their own love and commitment to the child and that of the biological parent. In a less positive scenario, it would be a decision made out of guilt and resignation that they cannot give their partner a child in the traditional way. Since egg and sperm donation are usually choices of last resort, this will never be a decision that is made lightly. Ideally, both partners will feel the same about using a donor to help create their embryo. Making that choice together is not just about each other; it's also about the child, who isn't given that choice.

Counselling and fertility coaching should be used to root out any misgivings about using donated egg or sperm, before going through with this fertility treatment.  I would caution anyone considering a 3rd party donation, to not gloss over these issues, for the sake of everyone involved. As an ad for the RSPCA says, "a puppy (substitute "child") is not just for Christmas; it's for life." There's a no- return policy.

But what of after the child is born? Does it feel like she belong more to the genetic parent? Does wanting and loving the child negate any doubts?  While I'd like to believe that all parental love is unconditional, I'm not naive about this not being the only truth. It may be for many or most parents, but we have seen too many cases of neglect and abuse to believe that every parent cherishes their child and puts their welfare before themselves. James' actions show his "daughter"  that his love for her was conditional upon them being related by blood. He is quoted as saying that part of him "wishes he still didn't know," presumably because he could have kept fathering her in blissful ignorance.

To my mind, parenting is made up of intent, love and action. In other words, parenting is what you make of it.  You can love, nurture and be a parent toward any child, by choice.  You can present them to the world as your child, leaving no room for anyone else to scrutinize or criticize. The child who knows the story of his origin can feel as loved, loving and fiercely loyal as with any parent.  It's not about having the same birthmark, hair, mannerisms or  temperament.  It's about commitment. My heart goes out to "Ella" and I wonder what her "father's" actions will sit with her as she matures and has to make decisions about relationships, trust and values.

As for me, I still have more questions than answers.  I will continue to develop a keener understanding of the range of emotions that can be present around the issue of parenting a child who is part of someone else's genetic history, rather than their own.

The Trouble with Mothers and Daughters - How to Improve It

Never mind Sex Ed 101 at school.  Who did you turn to in confusion over your maturing body, practical information, tears over a broken heart, access to medical, well-woman checks, guidance about balancing sexual curiosity with sensibility, contraception, protection against pregnancy, wanting to conceive, and guidance through pregnancy, infertility or miscarriage?  Your answer will depend upon your mother's comfort with the subject, the generation in which you grew up, your religious background and beliefs and the relationship you had with your mother.

What experience do you want for your daughter?  Your relationship was so sweet and uncomplicated when she wasy very young, but now it is often complex, confusing and sad.  If it's your intention to be there for her, but something stops you short every time you think you should step in, you need help.  

If you are having difficulty communicating with your adolescent or teenage daughter, it's time to try and breach the gap between you.  Left to fester for too long, it could be a missed opportunity that will end up in a split when she is old enough to leave home.  Don't let it reach that point. It's never too early to act in order to recover the bond between the two of you. 

• The first step is to let her know that you are troubled about the way things have been going and that you want change for the better.
• Second is to agree to disagree. Depending upon how bad your relationship has been lately, your daughter may be wary.  The two of you only have to agree to take action in order to make things better. Everything else can be the subject of conversation and examination.

Frequently heard (or thought) by Mom (M) and/or Daughter (D)

(M) + (D) She doesn't understand me. 

(M) If she thinks I'm old and "past it," maybe other people do too.

(D) You're only saying that because you're my mother and you're supposed to say that.

(D) It's not fair!

(D) I can't tell Mom what I have learned or experienced.  She would (pick one: disapprove, think I'm bad, punish me severely or not love me anymore).

(M) + (D) How can I trust you?

(M) She doesn't respect me.

Do you recognize anyone here?  You love her, but frankly, she's been challenging lately, unpleasant to be around and suspicious of your motives.   She loves you, but you have been grumpy, quick to criticize and untrusting. In many cases, there are two people on opposite sides of a glass wall, wishing to make amends but scared to make the first move.  Pride gets in the way. So do hormones. Your daughter's moods that seem irrational and overly dramatic (even hysterical), as well as what seems some very late mornings, can be a result of puberty, her period or the rate at which she is growing. Your lack of patience, occasionally sharp voice or forgetfulness can be related to your own hormonal fluctuations, especially if you are in peri-menopause (reportedly, up to about 7 years before being classified as menopausal.)

It can get much worse than that if it goes on too long, when desire to make amends and show love is less, relative to her desire for peer approval and your desire for an easier life without these clashes.  We want to get in there before reaching that stage, to prevent estrangement and ensure there are no regrets.

While engaged almost entirely with fertility and family-building issues lately, I began to think about my self-prescribed remit: to educate, motivate and support people regarding their reproductive health and creating families. This runs from newfound fertility as in menstruation and the loss of fertility, as in menopause.  However, as I thought about the sources of some women's emotional blocks to conception, it dawned on me that this included those having fertility-related trouble within families too.  How a girl feels about becoming a woman, how she feels about her body, and her ideas about pregnancy and childbirth can be influenced by what she knows about her mother's body image and fertility history.  For both woman and girl, this includes:

• how she first experienced menstruation;
• how (and if!) her mother taught her about her body;
• how a girl observed her mother's treatment of her own body; and
• what a girl was told or overheard about her anatomy, her reproductive system, sex, birth control, pregnancy, childbirth  and mothering.

A healthy relationship between mother and daughter during these formative years is very important to both of them.  It's not a one-way street. Their feelings about themselves depend in part on the love and approval of the other.  While a teen may feel misunderstood, angry or never good enough for her mother, a woman might feel she is failing as a mother, leading to low self-esteem and embarrassment. Mom may understand part of what her daughter is feeling, if she is observant, but most daughters don't have a clue about what Mom might be going through.  They can't read minds; younger women need to be informed.

It crossed my mind that there is no reason that a mother and daughter couldn't come to me for "couples" coaching sessions. While I would be happy to coach either Mom or Daughter (but not both, separately), I see the potential for much quicker change and lasting benefits to them being coached together. I began writing a program for a Mother-Daughter Workshop that will begin in a few weeks and hope to get some of my "ideal" clients involved; those on opposite sides of the glass wall, looking for a way to get through to the other side. 

This will work for a variety of relationships, not just a traditional mother/daughter one, and for all sorts of scenarios.  So, if you have or know someone who has:

• a tenuous relationship with your own daughter;
• discomfort talking about the body, sex and/or reproductive health;
• a girl being raised by a female relative, friend or stepmother; or
• a girl who is being raised by her father and doesn't have adequate maternal figures in her life.

Wouldn't it be good for someone trustworthy to step in and provide that safe place in which thoughts, feelings and questions can be aired and answered?  Ultimately, she may need a deeper level of understanding and support than you can provide.  Equally, you may want to show her who you really are as a woman and as a mother.  You could both break through misconceptions and unhelpful, self-imposed rules about discussing emotional subjects, intimate parts of the body, fertility or sex. I am designing a loosely structured coaching program as a platform that will then be customized to both your needs. Expect to actively participate in supervised conversations, revealing activities and some fun for you and your daughter. The benefits of Mother-Daughter Coaching include :

• better communication;
• values assessment;
• breaking down "emotional" walls between you;
• clearing up misconceptions you each hold about the other;
• building empathy;  and
• building trust.

Call Now to arrange your Mother/Daughter sessions at Stanmore Chiropractic Clinic at 020 8954 8311. 

For information about the 4-session Mother/Daughter Group Workshop: email [email protected]  Dates, venue and fees - TBA. 

Mother and Daughter - Getting to Know You

I've been thinking a lot about mothers and daughters lately. All sorts of thoughts have been running through my mind about how notoriously difficult their relationships can be around the time when a daughter gets her period, her figure and her desire to be "grown up." I'm a little premature in wondering what will be when my daughter reaches that age, so I've been asking around.  Where do the difficulties arise?

A girl who is between 12 and 17 years old and in secondary school, is discovering a whole new world. She may know virtually nothing about hormones and how they are influencing her physical changes, her thinking, moods and feelings.  She just knows that her world is topsy-turvy. Some girls take to early womanhood as if they were made for it, if you know what I mean. It takes others a little while longer to figure it all out.  It's unpredictable and it makes for a lot of drama.

Now, add Mom to the equation. These days there's no "normal" age gap between mothers and daughters, so consider that mothers will be anywhere from 20 to 40 years older than their daughters.  On the young side, Mom may be in their mid-30's when Daughter starts experiencing both the confusion and the power of her fertility and early sexuality. Whether it's all gawky limbs, pimples and PMS or perky breasts, cute teenage underwear sets and legs up to there, it requires adjustment, not just on a girl's part, but also on her Mom's.  Is she going to feel ill-equipped to deal with new questions and behaviour? Is she going to say all the right things to reassure and empower her daughter to grow into her new persona? Is Mom going to feel an irrational threat of competition with her own daughter? 

On the other extreme, there is the older Mom.  Now that many women are having natural or assisted pregnancies in their 40's, won't be that unusual for a mother in her mid-50's to have a teenage daughter.  Mom is likely to be experiencing, or have experienced, menopause at that time.  She has lost her fertility at the same time, roughly, that her daughter is coming into her own.  Mom may be older and wiser, more able to cope with her daughter's rollercoaster moods, questions about sex, but could also feel unsettling jealous feelings. 

In both these scenarios, Mom can feel a real sense of loss that her baby has now grown up.  The kisses and cuddles, wanting to spend time together and open conversations can be replaced by closed bedroom doors, more value placed on her friends' opinions than on her parent's and a language all her own. This is all natural. Depending upon how Mom reacts, the awkward times will eventually work their way out and they will form a new mother/daughter relationship that can give them both what they want and need from each other. Depending upon Mom's openness about her own reproductive health and feelings about ageing, their relationship can remain close and supportive as they both experience change.

Some of the issues that can arise between adolescent - teenage daughters and their mothers are:

• menstruation - fertility, discomfort, "womanhood," embarrassment, self-care
• privacy - bathing and dressing, diaries, telephone calls
• communication
• lecturing
• expectations
• approval/disapproval
• rules, independence
• hygeine, self-care
• dating
• sex (values, danger of STD's, threat of pregnancy)
• birth control (sanctioned or obtained independently)
• femininity
• attractiveness
• competition
• fear - wanting to protect her against hurt, injury or danger
• taking sides in conversations and arguments with father

A lot of these are matters of perception rather than reality, but unless mother and daughter are communicating well, it can be difficult to determine what is true or false.  It's not all about Mom staying one step ahead of her daughter and making all the changes herself.   It requires a girl to see her mother, perhaps for the first time, as a woman with a life of her own.  It requires a mother, no matter how well-intentioned, to withhold opinions so that her daughter can form her own.

This is an emotional time between mother and daughter that can be eased with the help of coaching.  I am developing a program that will give mother and daughter every opportunity to see the other's experience as valid for them, empathize and support each other.  As a non-judgmental third party, I can guide them to voice their questions, feelings and experiences in a way that they may find impossible to do on their own. I'm really looking forward to helping girls and women understand and appreciate each other. 

What are or were your experiences with your mother and/or daughter? I would love to know what you think.

Coping with Infertility on Mother's Day

It seems wrong to write about Mother's Day in a blog that's readership includes more than a few infertile women, however, it brings up memories of past years and how painful they were for me. You can't go grocery shopping without the "holiday" being shoved down your throat.  The flower stand is 3 times bigger than usual.  Special meals are being offered. One supermaket is selling a meal for 4 for £15.  Cards, gifts, flowers, meals; Mother's Day is everywhere.

My best way of coping, by far, was getting stuck into a project or task without coming up for air until the next morning. Have a focus, all planned ahead of time; or at least, before getting out of bed. I have a few suggestions:

• If you have an attic, basement or garage, embark on a de-cluttering and cleaning project that will take all day;
• Bake. All day. Baking takes much more precision and a watchful eye than cooking savoury food;
• Go through the 3,000 unopened messages saved in in your inbox and commit to deleting at least 2,500 before dinner;
• Colour your hair with a home kit.  It's never as quick as they say on the box.
• Give some attention to your photo program on the computer.  If you aren't going to print them all, surely you could make the program run better if you delete the awful ones, fix some red-eye, correct the lighting, etc..;
• Find a creative outlet for your emotions, in singing, writing, drawing, playing an instrument; and/or
• Go play a sport, with others. It doesn't matter whether its group tennis or swimming laps. Competition involves a high state of focus; the activity is healthy and commitment to a goal inspires hard work.

Even if you shed a few tears, which you probably will, it's okay. Just try not to stay in bed all day with a tissue box at your side, watching sappy, made-for tv movies.  If you need another person to help you through the day:

• take a look, literally or mentally, at your list of people in your support network.  Who can you call upon to keep you company for part of or the whole thing? If you're self-aware, you know who you can lean on, someone who wants the very best for you, and has no stake in the outcome. Many people will be with their own family tomorrow but a text message will probably yield at least someencouraging words.
• If you are attending a Mother's Day celebration for your own mother or mother-in-law, think about asking someone else who will be there to assist you in terminating painful conversations about your infertility.
• Be honest if you cannot bring yourself to attend a Mother's Day get-together. Just give a  brief statement that you're feeling very sensitive and don't think it feels right to be around others celebrating Mother's Day. This will hopefully be just enough to elicit an understanding response. Don't make up excuses; they never sound authentic and could actually hurt someone's feelings. 
• Ask your partner to stay with you all day if necessary. Put yourselves first and nurture the relationship you have; you know, the one that you often take for granted.  Do your mutual nurturing anywhere that isn't crawling with pregnant women or those with pushchairs. If absolutely necessary, go see an R-rated film to gether, so you can be sure there will be no children in the theatre.

Finally, and on a different note, I pose a question for you to answer for yourself. Try to visualise yourself spending this or another Mother's Day with a baby. The holiday is, for you, made all the more special by its comparison with previous Mother's Days. Imagine yourself holding, looking at, cuddling and kissing your baby.  In that picture, the only thing that matters is you and your partner being parents.  Would it feel less joyful if the baby wasn't your biological child?  The baby is yours, but perhaps you had needed egg donation, used a surrogate or adopted him/her. 

Imagine holding the baby, feeling like the luckiest woman in the world at that moment.  Would it matter that (s)he came to you through alternative paths, or would being that child's mother be enough for you? In the days and weeks that follow Mother's Day, look back on those thoughts and ask yourself what matters most to you. If having a biological child is still your number one priority, then by all means, keep pursuing it. If having a child, biological or otherwise, is something you can live with, look at next year's Mother's Day as your first and make that visualisation come true.

Heart Half-Empty or Heart Half-Full

Another Valentine's Day is nearly over. It's such a double-edged sword. I'm a fan, as you will know if your read my previous two posts. On our first Valentine's Day as a couple, my husband proposed, so the 14th of February is an anniversary of sorts. We have run the gamut of celebrations; once disastrously doing the newlywed tourist in Paris, sometimes ill-conceived restaurant meals, but mostly special dinners at home.  Sometimes those dinners are had after the children's bedtimes, but this morning it was a Valentine's bagel brunch with them.

Thinking, however, of the couples who are celebrating Valentine's Day without the children they want so badly, brought up memories of our early years (as well as a few in the middle) together. As my family exchanges cards up and down the generations, my idealized Valentine's Day vision wasn't exclusive. It included our children, yet to come.

Try as I might to feel 100% content and loved-up, a chunk of my red valentine heart was grey. I was honest and open about the depth of my sadness, which was probably a bit cruel, but I naively thought that love meant never having to lie about your feelings. Even though we had each other, it never felt enough without the children I wanted so much. I loved my husband; it wasn't that he was lacking.  If anything, it was myself I found lacking as our difficulties began with 3 miscarriages. Our life together had a huge, empty space that needed filling.

I eventually stopped beating myself up emotionally. through a lot of reflection and help from others.  I realized that we would make a great life anyway, and that I could consider adoption. But that took time.  For a long time, I didn't know any technique to make that feeling go away, or at least wait patiently to the side while I lived the rest of my life. I have now, so if you identify with this at all, you may want to give the exercise below a try.

Floating Hearts - A Visualization Exercise For Your Great Life

This visualization exercise can help you remain positive and live a full, happy life while trying to conceive, though it can be easily adapted for other scenarios. It works in your mind to fill the empty space that aches inside your heart.

 

Becoming ready - Quietly, sit or lie down so you are fully relaxed. Close your eyes and envision your feet, placing them so there is no weight on them. Think about relaxing the toes and arch of your foot, ankles, and move up through your calves, physically releasing any tension in the muscles. Do this from the feet to your head, isolating each muscle group one by one. When you reach your neck, relax the muscles by slowly moving your head in a circle, first in one direction and then in the other before finding a slightly bowed front, centre position. Your eyes should be kept closed throughout.

 

The heart - When you are fully relaxed, envision a large 3-dimensional ruby-red Valentine heart. This heart represents you at your core. You will be most content and deeply fulfilled when the heart is fully expanded.  However, just like a heart-shaped, squishy, bean bag pillow, you can be comfortable and happy even when your heart is half-full, or the beans shift from time to time.  Hold the heart like a pillow, feeling its comfort; the lovely feel of it.  It is really important to have a heart-half-full philosophy about this: Good as it is; better as it becomes fuller.

 

Completion - There are certain things that you want and need in order to fill up the spaces in your heart.  Think about what would make your life complete; whether it includes becoming pregnant or parenting by any means; 1 child or more.  You may have other dreams, such as a specific type of home, the place where you live, the professional success you are pursuing, or the lifestyle you want to have. There are no right or wrong choice as your vision is unique to you.  Use your personal value system to guide you, without limitation.

 

From the large heart will come others - Imagine gently squeezing it until one of those desires or needs pops out as a smaller 3-dimensional heart balloon. Give the small heart a name, e.g. daughter, son, our own house, working from home, more artistic skill, taking a hobby to professional level or improved health. You may decide to keep it or release the balloon to float away if priorities change. The balloons may float closer or hang in back, as opportunities come and go. Do this same visualization for each desire.

 

Life is good, but could be better.  Now you have your large heart and anywhere from 1 to perhaps a dozen or so smaller hearts floating around it.  The large heart is still the same size, but has more empty space inside.  Remember the bean bag analogy; your large heart/your life now are still comfortable because you can shift the contents around inside until you find a good position.  Wanting more does not diminish what you already have.

 

The box that holds your future - In front of you is a large box, beautifully decorated with your favourite colours and textures.  The box represents the promise of your life as it can be.  It is large enough to hold all your dreams and goals, no matter how big they are.  Reach out to take one of the small hearts in your hands. You have already given it a name, so you know what it represents.  Imagine having it back inside your big heart bean bag, filling it up a bit more and adding extra dimension to your life.  Breathe in deeply through your nose, expanding your chest while focusing on the small heart.  It’s already a part of you, but it lives in your mind. Knowing that someday it will take its place, but that today is not the day, breathe out slowly and lift your little heart into the box. It will rest there until it’s time to give it your full attention, commitment and actions toward making it real.

 

Your deepest wishes may be contained in one or two of the smaller hearts; those that are necessary to make you the person you want to be; living the life you want to live. They aren’t impossible to achieve, but they require your full strength, commitment and positivity.  If one or more of them holds the babies you haven’t yet had, imagine those babies curled up inside the hearts as they would be in your womb. Handle those hearts most gently and place on top of the others in your special box. When these are absorbed back into your big, ruby-red heart, it will be at its fullest. You can go on, knowing that they are as much yours now as ever. 

 

Re-focus - You now find the big heart and the big, beautiful box in front of you, side by side, and one final unnamed balloon.  Fill the balloon with the emotion you carry about the baby you want and the family you want to create.  Give it your longing, your sadness, fear, jealousy and anger. When it is full, let the balloon go and watch it float away.

 

Safekeeping - Take one last big breath in and picture the heart shrinking down and changing to tiny particles so it flows in with your breath, filling your chest so there is no empty space; no ache. Then, mentally shrink your box down to a tiny version of itself, and put it somewhere safe, in your pocket, bedside drawer or under your pillow, easily accessed when you have the opportunity to take action on one of the dreams held inside. Open your eyes and slowly breathe in, being conscious of a feeling of fullness. You are finished.

 

Repeat for stress relief whenever necessary. Only do this exercise when you are safely sitting or lying down and not while driving a vehicle or operating any kind of machinery.

(C) Lisa Marsh t/a Your Great Life 2010 All Rights Reserved.

An Infertile Valentine's Day; Why Celebrating It Matters

A Little Change Will Do Us Good

Last night I was blogging about the imminent Valentine’s Day and what it represents: romance, excitement, a little extra effort, attention paid to your relationship and memories.  This morning, I realized that what I really wanted to say is that Valentine’s Day is really all about change. 

 

Change is a word that can have you buzzing with excitement or dreading it like a molar that needs pulling. I would lay a bet down that more people prefer to avoid change, even if the place they are in, literally or figuratively, is not that great. Change is fearful, but those who embrace it know that risk can bring worthwhile rewards.  The change I am suggesting here is adopting different attitudes and behaviour for this day than you usually display throughout the year.  It needn’t be scary or difficult.

 

Valentine’s Day is the one holiday that doesn’t have us balancing the priorities of work, in-laws or meeting the guys down the pub (they will be with their wives). It’s not only acceptable, but also expected, that you don’t include anyone but the two of you in your plans. It lifts a couple up out of their routine and ignores the mundane actions we take on a daily basis.  As a single woman or girlfriend, I had a few awkward Bridget Jones experiences; sometimes I got lavish attention while other years brought such disappointing V-Days I had a hard time swallowing from the tension.  But marriage is supposed to change all that, isn’t it? It brings a sense of security that your other half will have to have noticed the ads for cards, flowers, restaurant specials and jewellery.  Ha! The advertisers haven’t taken into account the tougher aspects of marriage, including miscarriages infertility, parenthood and tight finances.  That’s where you come in.

 

In the first year in which a couple has begun their efforts to have a child, Valentine’s Day is a lovely way to reassure yourselves that you still adore each other.  Your cards, your breakfast-in-bed tray complete with flower, your text messages and your evening celebration all speak the same language: “everything is fine, we will get past this, it hasn’t been a full year yet, I don’t blame you at all, and we love each other even more now for having gone through adversity together.“ There’s a certain “let’s ignore this and it will go away” collusion. After that first year, when anxiety has set in, and beyond, Valentine’s Day can feel like too much effort.  That’s understood.  Or maybe it’s not.  One of you may believe that you both feel so miserable that no celebration would seem fitting; while the other believes that you have to stick your finger up at infertility and plans a surprise. Uh oh.

Fourteen (14) Tips For February Fourteenth (14th)

 

My number one tip here is to communicate, in words, not in body language. You aren’t dating and trying to impress. You probably aren’t giddy with the first blush of romance. You love and appreciate each other.  You may be hoping your other half brings up the subject first. Take the plunge and say something. 

2.  Use Valentine’s Day as the excuse you may need to revitalize your relationship. Fertility issues can be very draining.  You can get away with more overt gestures of love on the 14^th of February than on any other day in the calendar, so do.

3.  If Sunday is a day often spent with family, cross yourself off that guest list. This is a day for the two of you. Put each other first.

4.  If you are staying home for dinner, make a change or two.  Set the table with a few beautiful pieces. Add a candle.  What you eat isn’t so important; being across from each other at the table is (NOT in front of the TV) so you can look straight at, or reach a hand across to, each other.

5. If you are going to dinner, don’t do the “I don’t care, you choose,” “No, you...” dance. Do care. If you usually go out to the local take-away with Formica tables for pizza, go to the pizza place with candle-lit tables in dark corners. The environment is important, whether at home or out.

6.  Make some ground rules for the day: you may ask that ther be no infertility talk, no bringing up other people’s fertility issues, no apologies about being the one with the problems, possibly no tweeting of updates. Being and doing things together as a twosome, and leaving your followers patiently waiting until Monday, could show where your values lie.

7.  Make a noticeable effort to look good.  Marriage, comfort and long-term stress can divert your attention away from relatively superficial concerns. Leave the tracksuit and sneakers in the closet and put on something you know looks good on you. It makes such a difference to how you carry yourself.

8.  Pull down the shades and put on some music. Dancing is a great way to initiate body contact.  When is the last time you just relaxed in each other’s arms, with no agenda?

9.  Valentine’s Day can be as simple or extravagant as you want.  I find that restaurants never show their best side on these kinds of “theme” days. Another idea is to book in to a Spa for the day  and swim and lunch together in between treatments.  If you don’t have money to splash around, some low cost alternatives are a romantic DVD, a bowl of pink and silver wrapped Hershey’s Kisses, sparkling water in wine glasses and a gift certificate for a massage to be redeemed immediately (don’t forget the scented oil).

10. Make a little show of turning the answering machine on and the mobile phones off. Give each other 100% attention.

11.  If you already have a child at home and no babysitter handy, write out an invitation for him (or her) to join you in the shower, at the dining table or on the sofa, for a private celebration 15 minutes after your child’s bedtime.

12.  Men; do not let a woman go through an entire Valentine’s Day thinking you forgot, just so you can surprise her at 8 p.m. Her self-esteem may have taken a big hit from her miscarriage or infertility, so that very long day may add to her worries about your relationship.

13.  Have fun! You can go back to the serious stuff the next day.  Changing the way you relate to each other adds a little sparkle. It isn’t fake; it’s just less attention to your worries and more attention to what you have together.

14.  If you enjoy the change, don’t stop with Valentine’s Day; repeat it.  Unfortunately, it’s all too easy to say “we should do this more often.”  Instead, how about scheduling a date night once a month when you can block out the world and focus on enjoying each other.  Make sure it happens by drawing a little red heart on the day you choose for next month.

 

Hopefully, you are like two lovebirds and Valentine's Day is the icing on the cake, in which case you probably have it all figured out already.  However, for those other couples whose infertility and/or miscarriage have taken a big toll on their relationship, the 14 tips above are a rescue remedy.  Don't be afraid of showing how much you are still attracted to him. Revive some of the humour that has been missing for a while.  Whether your Valentine's Day is tender, passionate, planned down to the last detail or lighthearted and spontaneous, the change will do you good.