your great life

Making the choice to begin to feel better

Recently, I've been told by no less than 3 different people that they know someone who is suffering as a result of infertility or baby loss, but that the woman "won't talk to anyone about it." Apparently, each of these women has been living in turmoil for an extended period of time without either opening up to people in their private lives or seeking professional help. The question that hung in the air was why they seem to be choosing to prolong their suffering, rather than doing something about it. My answer? Simply, that it isn't always clear to us that we have a choice between feeling awful or feeling better.

When it hurts so much that you can't see straight - If everything seems too much to bear and you are unable to restore hopefulness, you can feel seriously lonely, despite what a partner, family or friends try to do to console and support you. Life can be thrown seriously out of balance when you let pain get such a strong foothold that there isn't room for anything or anyone else.  Negative emotions cause pain that can cloud your mind and interfere with your perspective and your ability to make decisions.

"I don't recognize myself!" - If you are finding it difficult to move forward during or after a painful episode of your life, it does not mean that you are weak.  The strongest person can be knocked off balance by a painful diagnosis of infertility or the loss of a baby they were already coming to know and love.  Sometimes it's the person with the most orderly, well-planned life, or the most confident, can-do attitude, who finds these situations the most difficult to overcome. It's an unequivocal reminder that there are things in life that are out of our control. It applies to everyone, and is nothing to be embarrassed about.

Letting the pain in, to get it out - Making the choice to begin to feel better usually entails acknowledging and experiencing the painful feelings first.  Compartmentalizing is a good technique when it comes to tasks, but doesn't work the same way when it comes to feelings. It may work for a little while to park your grief so you can "get on with things;" for example, shutting off thoughts of conception and pregnancy for the hours needed to fulfil your responsibilities at work. However, compartmentalizing too much can result in denial that there is anything wrong. This will just delay the experience of your anxieties and emotions. Likewise, if you have parked yourself in a place of anger, you may be delaying your acceptance and the healing and clarity that come with it. 

It can be really hard to move forward on your own - If you are asking "why don't I feel better yet?", "why can't I fix this?" or "why do I feel so helpless?", you will benefit from someone else's eyes and ears on the situation to bring a fresh perspective to it. If you find the word "should" cropping up, as in "I should be able to handle X on my own," chase it away. There are no rules; just do what works. If you recognize that you need a little help, don't let pride get in the way. In business, or with any team, it's considered a strength to be able to have the best people on board, so adopt that philosophy in your personal life as well.

Create healthy coping mechanisms - I teach my clients how to cope with anxiety, disappointment and grief by:

• identifying and "owning" their feelings and fears;
• finding a good outlet to express those feelings and fears, whether in a coaching session, with their partner or friend, or by writing them in a journal;
• allowing themselves space to feel positive feelings, even if only once a day at first;
• taking one step at at time to restore normal activities; and
• to visualize how they would like to feel at certain points in the future.

They tell me that learning these coping mechanisms make them feel supported, stronger and more in control.  They are able to recognize that not everything in their life is awful, even if they are going through a particularly awful time. They are able to see that alternative solutions exist that can bring them the family that they dream of creating. They are able to make the best decisions they can for themselves.

Seeking help -  It may seem scary to talk about your most personal thoughts, feelings, needs and desires, but the weight of bearing those thoughts and feelings all by yourself is scary too.  Finding the right person, building rapport, empathy and trust is important. Test the waters by talking about an aspect of your situation that isn't the most complex or painful. Then step away from it and consider whether you got an empathetic and helpful response. If so, go back for more.  It will become easier in time. It's worth the risk; In doing so, you are making a positive choice to begin to feel better.

Smiling on the outside; healing on the inside

I saw some wonderful photos of Amanda Holden on one of the morning TV chat shows today.  She's glammed up to promote the Euromillions lottery and looks absolutely gorgeous. If you only saw the photos, you would think that this woman doesn't have a care in the world. You wouldn't suspect that she has recently been through the emotionally devastating loss of her baby.  My first thought was complete admiration for her resilience; my second thought was that I hope people don't misinterpret Amanda's appearance as signalling that she is completely "over it."

I don't personally know Amanda Holden, Lily Allen or any other celebrities whose pregnancy losses have been in the news this past year.  However I, like many others, sometimes feel like we know these people who appear on our TV or cinema screens, feature in our glossy magazines and in advertisements. It's important to realize that we can't take them at face value and infer emotions from their big smiles, worry- line free skin, slim bodies and glamourous outfits. That is their job. Not only that, but those photos are carefully choreographed and often re-touched.  They are not cardboard cut-out figures. They are real women with real feelings and they are going through a process of healing, which does not happen overnight.

I hope that the gossip rags will be kind to Amanda this week as she re-enters the public domain with the Euromillions Lottery and Britain's Got Talent and as she moves forward from her loss. I hope that it also reminds us that someone in our own lives who is trying to bounce back from a significant loss or disappointment, may look better on the outside than they actually feel on the inside. Be generous with your sensitivity and give them the time and space for the healing to happen in its own time.

This is what some of you said about my talk on the Telesummit!

I really enjoyed being a part of the Fertility Focus Telesummit and I'm touched by your response. Here are just a few of the messages I have received:

• "Lisa,Thank you so much for what you do. I'd love to get the worksheet.Warmly," L. 
• "[T]hank you so much for our talk and for your valuable information.  I actually listened to it twice, once by myself live and then again with my husband." MS
• "I really appreciated your talk. I would love to get your worksheet for creating a support network.Thanks so much for offering this." NS
• "I listened to your very interesting call today, thank you so much! Could you please send me your work sheet I think it is exactly what I need." PC
• "Thank you so much for sharing your insight at the Fertility Focus Telesummit - it was truly appreciated." CP
• "I found that you really "spoke" to me and it was very timely in my fertility journey." AR
• "I had a chance to listen to you on Telesummit. You are awesome! My goal is to find a friend (or maybe two) who I can talk to when I am ... down and vulnerable." SP
• "It was wonderful listening to you. Thank you." LF
• "Just listening to you doing such a great job on the Fertility Focus teleseminar - very proud of my former study buddy! [iI]'s a great idea to actually list my support network under the different categories." AS

 

If you, or someone else you know, could benefit from the other topics covered by the fertility experts listed below, get the word out to them quickly! To grab a free place on the remaining calls <--- click here.

• Using An Integrated Approach To Getting And Staying Pregnant - Dr Marilyn Glenville
• Using Acupuncture and Herbal Medicine to Increase Your IVF Results - Andrew Loosely
• How the 11 Pillars of Fertility Reveal the Secrets to Optimum Health and Fertility - Gabriela Rosa
• Aging Eggs: What You Can Do to Improve Your Chances of Conception - Zita West 
• Your Fertile Mindset: How To Prepare Yourself For Conception With EFT - Sarah Holland
• How Hypnotherapy Encourages Successful Conception -  Kristin Hayward
• Solving Your Fertility Puzzle - Sue Dumais
• Using Astrology To Optimize Your Chances Of Success In The Treatment Of Infertility - Nicola Smuts
• Finally Take Control by Charting Your Two Primary Fertility Signs - Toni Weschler
• Fertility At 40 Plus with the Law of Attraction - Deirdre Morris
• Eating to Optimize Fertility - Cindy Bailey

AND 3 Fabulous Bloggers:

• Katie from www.fromiftowhen.com;
• Elphaba (aka Runny Yolk) from www.eggsandsperm.com; and
• Heather from www. surviveandthrive.co.za

If you didn't manage to get on the first few calls, including my talk on Creating an Effective Support Network, Dr Genville, Andrew Loosely or Gabriela Rosa, you can still listen to the recordings!

By upgrading to a Golden Ticket for you can still get all 17 audio files full of information and advice about how to get what you need to maximize your chances of having the baby you want, emailed to you as an MP3 download after the Telesummit is over. That includes all 15 talks listed above, plus Sarah Holland's introductory and concluding sessions, to listen and refer back to at your leisure. This is an incredible value, for a total of $67, available while the Telesummit is still running this week. For more information and to upgrade your place on the Fertility Focus Telesummit <---- click here.

A Bonus for You as part of the Fertility Focus Telesummit

Welcome to Your Great Life, and especially today to those visiting from IComLeavWe.  I'm all set for presenting my session at the 2nd Fertility Focus Telesummit tomorrow. I have just listened to Sarah Holland, the founder and host of the Telesummit, present her introduction and it got me even more excited for the week's events.  As I shared with you in the blog above, I'm speaking to you on how "Creating an Effective Support Network Can Make All the Difference When Trying to Conceive."

In order to help you create the best support network to fulfil your unique needs, I have a Worksheet which is available FREE.  Email me at [email protected] (you can click through on the Email Icon to the right), quoting #FFTS2011 in the subject box and you will receive the worksheet by reply email.  Please feel free to include in your email any questions you have about my presentation at the Telesummit, or about fertility coaching.

If you haven't registered yet, you will want to do it right away. The presentations are live, each speaker will try to take questions and recordings are available for free for 24 hours after each presentation, or you can choose to upgrade to get all 17 audio files emailed to you after the Telesummit. 2,700 people have already signed up! Click here to register for the Fertility Focus Telesummit FREE.

Amanda Holden's announcement of her pregnancy; and yours

Do you think that celebrities have a different privacy threshhold than the rest of us when it comes to their fertility and family-building plans?

Several newspapers and magazines have commented on the actress Amanda Holden's decision to keep her pregnancy a secret until her 6th month. It had not been made public until this week that she and her husband suffered a miscarriage in 2010, therefore the reason for their secrecy about this new pregnancy. What annoyed me was the question posed by some of the news sources; "should she" have waited 6 months to release the news?" Why is there a "should" involved? Essentially, a pregnancy is a woman's private business and it is her decision if and when to tell other people outside her family. I don't think that being an actress makes one bit of difference to that. Even if Amanda and her husband had not had a previous miscarriage, her pregnancy is no one's business until they decide to make it public.

After a miscarriage, a woman may feel very tentative about a subsequent pregnancy. She may be watching and waiting for something similar to happen, until she has passed the time frame at which the previous pregnancy ended. This isn't necessarily about being positive or negative. She may be worried that if she is too hopeful or excited, she will "jinx" her new pregnancy. Of course, logically, we know that can't happen, it's an understandable fear.

So, when should you announce your pregnancy? Even without the fear of miscarriage, many women wait until the end of the 1st trimester. After about 13 weeks, many women will begin to show their baby bump and won't be able to get away with keeping the pregnancy a secret. However, the timing should be entirely up to you and your partner. It truly is your private matter and you can only go by how comfortable you feel with everyone else knowing about it. There are no rules; you are in the control seat on this one.

What you can do to embrace a pregnancy that comes after a miscarriage: take it one day at a time and celebrate each passing day by recognizing it as a triumph... anything from lighting a candle, marking the day off on your calendar with a smiley face, or putting £1 (or $1) into a piggy bank for the new baby.  If you find yourself feeling particularly anxious on any given day, try some deep breathing exercises and visualize your healthy baby growing inside of you. Then, take that image and "grow" it until the baby is the size and appearance of how he or she will look at full-term and transfer the image of your newborn into your arms.  Make sure that you then celebrate the success of your pregnancy as of that day with a positive and nurturing reward for yourself: fresh flowers, a bubble bath, time with a good friend or a healing therapy session or massage.

 

Pushing down the pain of a miscarriage won't help

If you have experienced a miscarriage and are suffering as a result, what can you do to feel better and move forward? It can seem like the rest of the world is moving along as usual, while you are standing in one place with the burden of your grief weighing you down like so much extra baggage.  Everyone else gets up and goes off to work, or makes plans to do something nice, but nothing has much meaning compared to the pain you are feeling. Unfortunately, it’s true; the world does not stop for us when we experience a loss like this. We can’t afford to stay in bed with the duvet pulled up over our heads.

I have heard some women say they think they should be able to handle this on their own, as if they have to bite their lip and soldier on. My question is why? Why should anyone have to handle the pain of losing their baby on their own? If you had a death in your family, you would not expect to have to recover from your grief without any expressions of sympathy, offers of company or practical help, understanding conversation or counselling.  You may experience to feel similar bereavement from a miscarriage and need a similar level of care.

Every woman will have her own unique context in which a miscarriage occurs and unique circumstances of that miscarriage. Each woman will react differently, depending upon factors such as whether it was a first pregnancy, one of a series of recurrent miscarriages, how far along in the pregnancy she was, her awareness of her own and the foetus’ health issues, and perhaps most of all, her mindset.

I believe that the bereavement of a miscarriage can sometimes be worse than the death of a living person. The loss is usually unexpected, so there is little or no preparation for it.  It isn't the natural end for someone who has actually lived, it is the end of a hoped-for life that fed into your own vision of your role and purpose in life. It also involves the physical sensation of loss, the trauma of the circumstances, a sensation of emptiness and the hormonal changes that signal the end of the pregnancy. There is also guilt that some women feel about having been responsible for nurturing that baby's life.

Hopefully, every woman has someone, even if it’s just one person, to whom she can turn. If you do not have one person in your life to whom you can turn, there are people in the community who are willing and able to provide that support, such as the miscarriage support group that I lead in North London, or the helpline manned by volunteers for the Miscarriage Association. There may be similar resources, often run by non-profit groups or charities, in other countries.

Don’t waste any energy feeling guilty that you don’t feel that the people who love you can really help you. Their intentions may be true, their desire strong, but they may not fully understand how you feel, or be equipped to help you sort it out. You may require the help of a trained professional. I have heard women say “I shouldn’t need…,” “I feel guilty taking someone’s time, or “I don’t think I should be spending money on myself in this way.”  Of course you should. You are worth it. You deserve to feel better.

If you feel awful and can’t see the way forward, you will not only be operating at only partial functionality and short-changing yourself; you will not be able to give your best to the people who rely upon you, whether in your relationship, your job or your friendships. Coaching is generally a short-term process, designed to move you forward as quickly and efficiently as possible. It is very possible that six to eight weeks of coaching for your bereavement could help you cope better emotionally and practically, and you could begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel again.

If you find yourself feeling a lack of hope, energy, motivation, focus or positivity, don’t isolate yourself and try to push through the pain all by yourself. There is nothing to be gained by that; no badges of courage are awarded for being stoic. Repressing your pain will surely result in you having to deal with it at another time in your life.  Reach out and ask for help, and keep reaching out until you find the right person to confide in and work through your feelings about your baby loss.

Where will you go from here and how will you get there?

Do you feel exhausted by your attempts to conceive this past year? I wouldn't blame you. If you are on the side of the world where December is the darkest month in the calendar, or even worse, you live in a place where the sun forgot to shine this week at all (yes, you Londoners!), you may feel just a bit hopeless. If you spent a substantial amount of time during the Thanksgiving to Boxing Day month in close proximity to women who are pregnant, or who have recently become mothers, you may feel more than a bit discouraged by your personal lack of success in that area. Or frustrated, fed up, resentful or downright furious. The big question is where are you going to go from here?

January is a great month to re-assess your position. It may be the cliche of out with the old, in with the new, but hey, if it works then why not follow it?  I'll be writing more about this during the next few weeks, including a new coaching programme that will help you solidify your intentions, streamline your actions and recognize shifts as soon as they show up in your life.

What I do want to get across to you today, is that what worked for you last year may not be what is working for you now, or what will work for you in the next 12 months. Why? Because we are always evolving; not static. You are a year older, your body may either be more or less fit, fertility treatment and/or miscarriage may have taken its toll, you may be recovering from positive surgery to clean up endometriosis or from an unexpected diagnosis, your stress level may have changed, your financial situation may have changed, and more. When creating your plan for 2011, it's essential that you do a physical and emotional audit, so that you and your partner, and even your doctor, have your eyes wide open to how you feel right now.

Instead of looking at your infertility as one long haul, it can only help to stop and assess where you are now and whether any changes need to be made. The answer may be that you are satisfied with the way things are, and you can continue on with confidence. However, if your exploration of the way you are going about life brings up questions about what can be done differently, or better, for a more effective outcome, we can work out some of those issues together. 

It would be great if you could begin jotting down notes now, as thoughts occur to you. Then, you will be ready to work with me as I introduce each step of the process in the coming weeks.  Ease yourself in gently, so you don't feel like it's hard work or get overwhelmed. My favourite first purchase every year is a new journal. I love starting fresh with the clean pages, whether I am using an old-fashioned black-and-white speckled Composition Book or a pretty and cheerful, designer journal. Just make sure it is big enough that you can use it for several months, or buy more than one, so you can continue on.

Watch for more news on the launch of this new programme.

 

 

 

On World Kindness Day, being kind to yourself can be the greatest step forward of all

There's nothing like a little food for thought with your morning coffee, which is why I was happy to read Kindness: why people need it, in the December issue of Psychologies Magazine.  Generally, it's a good reminder of the value of kindness, which we could all use. That wasn't what caught my eye, though. It was the assertion that painful events leave stronger impressions on the mind than happy ones.  This was supported by a quote from American evolutionist Stephen Jay Gould, who said "One wicked action cancels out, in our perception, 10,000 acts of kindness." It struck me first as incredibly sad, all the moreso because I fear it could be true for most people.

Thinking back to school, I remember certain teachers by a single instance of using a harsh tone of voice that crushed my fragile child's ego, especially the gym teacher who taunted me for being useless at climbing the ropes. I clearly remember a certain boy who once made fun of me when I wet my pants in kindergarten, aged 4, but nothing else about him. A relationship that ended in heartbreak seems more significant in shaping my expectations of men than the one in which we agreed amicably that we should just be friends.  For quite a long time, these incidents seemed to define me and I took on the shame, embarrassment, insecurity and weakness associated with them. Now I know that it doesn't have to be this way, because, while I haven't forgotten the incidents, the emotion surrounding them is gone. They happened to me, but in some ways, a different me.

In contrast, I have observed certain friends over the years picking themselves up and brushing themselves off after hurtful incidents, rejection, grief and failure with less fuss, less self-pity and more forgiveness than most. It seems to be part of their make-up; their emotional wiring. It's not that they don't feel the negativity as deeply; they just don't hold on to it in the same way. I have no doubt that these friends of mine, and others you may know, are better off than those people who hold a grudge, continue to feel the same level of pain or offence and dwell on the 1 cruel act out of 10,000 kind ones.  There is less turmoil in their systems.  There is a lightness in their step.  The rest of us can wear pain and hurt like a heavy blanket, dragging us down. At its mildest, you invite labels like "drama queen." At worst, it separates you, like a Caution sign that tells other people to tread carefully, lest they re-open your wound in some way. Even after we think we have gotten over something painful, a chance reminder can momentarily bring back the pain like the twist of a knife.  However, even if you are not one of the lucky people who have learned on their own to move through their pain toward happiness, you can still learn to do it now.

Think of the most painful incidents in your life, interpreting pain however you like. It's useful to list them.  We are really talking about emotional pain here, but it may help you understand ourself better if you look at incidents of physical pain and how you processed those memories also.  I have memories of pain associated with injections, dental work, incisions and stitches that have resurfaced throughout my life, causing me to fear even what I know now is not as painful in reality as the memory. Just as I used those memories as justification not to have flu shots, fix a tooth and have a knee operation, I used my emotional responses to painful events to justify not stepping forward when opportunities presented themselves professionally, socially and personally. I'm grateful that I had a few people in my life who showed me ways to take the intensity out of those emotions so they no longer have power over me.

Without doubt, the most painful incidents in my life were surrounding my multiple miscarriages and infertility, including not only the events themselves, but also interpersonal incidents surrounding them. I know that if I continued to feel the sharpness of that pain now, I would not be able to function and I would no longer be married. As grief and anger turned into acceptance over time, I was able to put some of it behind me in order to find the happiness that I have now. The sadness remains, but put into the context of my life as it is now, I can say with some relief that the pain has nearly been eclipsed. I believe that we can all choose how we process our emotions. So, even if you think right now that you will never feel better after losing a baby, or never be happy until you are pregnant or have become a parent, never say "never." You can heal, by seeing the worthiness of other aspects of your life, refusing to manifest other peoples' insensitive remarks, giving yourself credit for your courage and by nuruturing yourself, among other kindnesses.

Shifting pain can take quite a lot of mental energy, but if it all seems like too much hard work, just think how burdensome the negative feelings are that you carry around. The built-up fear, anxiety, stress, disappointment, self-blame, hopelessness and anger around miscarriages and failed cycles can lead you to shut down different parts of yourself for self-protection. The emotional issues are manifested in physical ailments, such as headaches, stomachaches, stiff neck, lethargy or insomnia. Is it any wonder that you may have difficulty conceiving if you are holding on to all that? You have a right to feel the way you feel, but it's not necessarily right to feel that way forever. Not if it takes away your joy in living, takes priority over the good aspects of your relationships or keeps you from getting  what you want and deserve.

Think of the person you were before you were hurt in this way. Were you calmer, more patient, kinder to others, more open to possibility and trusting? It would be worth a little hard work to re-gain that image of yourself, wouldn't it? The focus here is not on suppressing your true emotions, but on releasing them. In order to do that, you have to first acknowledge and feel them. In coaching, some gentle questioning can help you reveal the painful event where those emotions have taken hold and stuck firmly. Various coaching theories and methods exist, including cognitive behavioral therapy and NLP, which can then help you shift those emotions, so that they cease to block your progress and your happiness.  I have had some really positive results with EFT as well, which uses a non-invasive stimulation of meridian points (similar to acupuncture but without the use of needles) using coaching to help reveal the specific, painful event and identify the emotions around it, and then EFT to help release that emotion. It's a really positive step forward.

How does this all fit in with kindness? Holding on to pain is the antithesis of being kind to yourself. You cannot be a happy person while you store up resentments, think of yourself as a victim, or believe the negativity someone else has sent your way.  Take steps to change that thinking and positive changes in your behaviour will soon follow. Be patient, generous and respectful of yourself.  Challenge yourself to be better and do better; then use the confidence that comes with success to push you a step further. Be kind to others and reap the reward of knowing you have made a difference in the way they see the world.  Even if, as Gould says, the one cruel act cancels out the 10,000 kindnesses, that is just in perception, not in reality. Every kind act you do, however tiny, helps you feel better about yourself and humanity, even if the feeling is stored away and given little attention. So, how about trying to cancel one cruel act with 10,00 kindnesses?

Q's & A's re: late pregnancy loss I've received since the news about Lily Allen's miscarriage this week

• Q: How common is a miscarriage as late as 6 months?
• A: Very rare. Only about 1% of losses fall into the category of "late miscarriage," which is from 13 to 24 weeks of pregnancy. From 25 weeks on, when a baby has a good chance of surviving outside the womb, a loss is called a stillbirth.

• Q: Why does it matter whether it was a late miscarriage or a stillbirth? The loss is the same.
• A: Because stillbirths are recorded by the Registrar in the UK, there is a legal document that validates the existence, however brief, of your baby. It may matter to the parents emotionally, to have that validation.

• Q: If you miscarry once, does that mean you are more likely to miscarry in a subsequent pregnancy?
• A: With early miscarriages, there is a very good chance that your next pregnancy will be a healthy one. Predicting the health of a future pregnancy will depend on whether the cause of the earlier miscarriage is known. If so, the woman can often be treated to reduce the chance of another miscarriage. If it is an unexplained miscarriage, it may have been a case of bad luck; something that would generally not repeat itself.  Only about 1% of women have recurrent miscarriage, which is generally defined as 3 or more.

• Q: Are Lily Allen's 2 miscarriages related to each other?
• A: Not knowing her medical history, it's impossible for me to say. However, as  she was reportedly given the all-clear at her 3-month scan, the same time at which she had her 1st miscarriage, I think it's unlikely. The causes of early and late miscarriage are not usually the same.  She would have been checked numerous times for the problems detected in the first pregnancy.

• Q: Could her popstar lifestyle have been the cause of her miscarriage?
• A: By all accounts, Lily Allen really wanted this baby. Having miscarried before, she said that she had re-evaluated her priorities; happy with "normality" and starting a family, rather than fame.  The fact that she cancelled her gig at Elton John's bash over the weekend suggests that she ws protecting her pregnancy from the first signs of trouble. Whatever her celebrity status, it sounds like the action of a responsible mother-to-be. Regardless, I don't like the idea of playing the blame game when it comes to a devastating event like the loss of a child.

• Q: The news reports said that Lily Allen had severe stomach cramps from a viral infection. Can you really miscarry from a stomach virus?
• A: Some viral or bacterial infections contracted by the mother can pass through the placenta and infect the fetus, potentially causing miscarriage. One example is listeria, which comes from contaminated food. However, what was reported as stomach cramps could actually have been unexpected, premature labour.

• Q: I can't imagine the magnitude of that kind of loss. What would a couple be feeling immediately after a miscarriage at this stage of the pregnancy?
• A: Initially, just as with any unexpected death of a loved one, they will probably experience shock and a possible feeling of numbness. In Lily Allen's case, the shock and confusion will be a result of believing they were beyond risk at that point. There may be a brief period of denial that the baby is actually gone. Grief usually passes through several stages, though not always in the same order. The other stages are pain and guilt, anger, depression/loneliness, an upward turn, re-balancing and looking at options, acceptance and hope.

• Q: How can someone support a person who has had a miscarriage?
• A: Some people will internalize their pain more and others will behave in a more outward show of emotion. What they will have in common is the need for people to respect their privacy when they want to grieve alone and to be there when they want company and empathy. Lily Allen and her partner have the added burden of celebrity status, which will undoubtedly cause their every move to be scrutinized, however, they too deserve privacy.                             Whether you are close to the couple or just know them a little, a sincere gesture of support is ususally fine. Don't take it personally if they do not take you up on it. They may have many offers of help, or not be ready to accept it. Practical help will allow them to focus on each other: drop off a cooked dinner, do the grocery shopping, make some phone calls on their behalf or go with her to a doctor's appointment.            Emotionally, it's much the same. Be respectful of their state of readiness to talk about their feelings; don't push for them to talk and don't avoid the subject when they bring it up. If they know that you are there for them, they will let you know when they are ready to make use of your support.

• Q: Where can people who have had a miscarriage go for help?
• A: I coach people who have suffered miscarriage in private sessions, where they will find a safe environment for their feelings, get focused attention on their needs, receive empathy and support, be able to explore their options, restore their sense of control and move forward. You can phone me on 011-44 (0)20 8954 2897 or email me at [email protected]

Other sources of support are:

• www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk. - The Miscarriage Association, a national charity, has a staffed office 9:30 - 4:30 M-F, an out-of-hours Volunteer Helpline 4:30 - 10:30 M-F and at weekends, and several support groups. I lead the North London Miscarriage Support Group, which meets monthly and is free of charge. Contact 01924 200799 for more details.
• www.uk-sands.org - Sands is a charity that funds research into, and supports those dealing with, stillbirth and neonatal death. 
  
• www.savethebabyunit.org - The Save the Baby Unit at St. Mary's Hospital, Paddington, London investigates and treats miscarriage.   It is headed by Prof. Lesley Regan, who authored the book Miscarriage: What Every Woman Needs to Know.

A meeting place for the IF community and those who serve it

Have you checked out Fertility Planit yet? I had dinner last night with Karin Thayer, the founder of this global meeting place for the IF community and heard first-hand of the exciting plans for its future. Like me, Karin is an American living long-term in the UK.  Her concept is an inclusive site where infertile people can find information, connect with each other, shop for fertility-related products and give their own reviews of fertility service or product providers in a trip.advisor type of set-up.

I have a Your Great Life page on Fertility Planit (please check it out!) for my fertility coaching, but as a woman who experienced infertility, miscarriage and IVF myself, I am also there as a personal connection for you.

Even if things have settled down for you, you are taking a break, you are pregnant or you have decided to stop treatment, by going on Fertility Planit and leaving a review of your fertility clinic, a book you have read or a product you have used, you will be helping others. It's a small service that can also help give you a sense of closure on your experiences with infertility or miscarriage.