your great life

The Fertility Focus Telesummit is back for 2012

Sarah Holland's Fertility Focus Telesummit launches on the 12th of March. I spoke at last year's Telesummit, and listened to every one of the other speakers, so I believe I can vouch for this worthwhile event. Click here for more information about how you can register for the Telesummit.

This is how it works. The Telesummit is an amazing “virtual event.” It will feature fertility experts from around the world sharing their knowledge and insights on a wide range of fertility subjects. You can listen in to all the information-packed presentations either online or over the phone every day of the Telesummit, starting on March 12th.

Grab your place now to attend this exciting event for free and get fully informed about what you can do to improve your chances of having a baby. Click here for details of all the expert presentations, each covering a different aspect of infertility and all offering great advice, ideas and solutions to help you move further towards becoming a parent.

Are you proud of yourself?

With parents phoning me these past few months about art lessons for their children, I have noticed a worrying pattern. Quite a few of them have conveyed serious angst over their child's supposed inability to draw. Initially, my first question was whether the child wanted to come to art class. I no longer ask this of the parent. The same anxious parents also have a tendency to make an apologetic or otherwise negative comment to me, or to their child in front of me, about the artwork he or she has done in our first session. I have had a parent ask me conspiratorially; "how bad was it?" What child would want to put themselves in line for this kind of confidence-shattering review by their parent? No wonder the kid wouldn't draw at home!

I was reminded of this during the week, when I received a call from my daughter's art teacher. She was concerned because my husband had criticized a piece of work that our daughter is doing. She didn't refute the correctness of his observations about scale and proportion; merely, the delivery and its crushing effect on a 12-year old. Sure enough, my daughter had come home with a grumpy face and mumbled that "Daddy was horrible about [her] dolphin."

Like my husband, the parents of my art students are not awful, unloving people. They are achievement-oriented. Unfortunately, they have gotten in the habit of emphasizing the standard of the finished product over the joy and effort that went into creating it. They also hold their child's ability to an adult standard of perfection. I have witnessed the immediate dampening effect this has on a child's enthusiasm and self-esteem. Faces fall, pictures are shoved into the folder or left behind, accidentally on purpose and the joy of experimentation is replaced by the fear of doing something wrong. It's slightly heartbreaking.

Granted, the pictures are not always beautiful. Shapes are wobbly, colours are muddy, objects lack dimension and body parts don't necessarily connect in all the right places. But as the weeks go on, children learn to handle the materials, compose a pleasing picture and gain insight into proportion and perspective. It all comes in time. I find myself on a mission to reinforce the kids' self-esteem as much as their drawing and painting skills. Everyone discusses their artwork; what they plan to do, how it's going and whether it has come out the way they hoped it would. I make a point of asking:

• Are you happy with your work?
• What did you learn today?; and
• Did you have fun?

When they are finished, they sign and date their piece... a simple act that lets them "own" it and also creates a pictorial timeline, so they can go back and review how they are improving.

The weight of parental expectations can be very heavy. If your child lacks self-confidence, ask yourself whether your reaction to their efforts is supportive, positive and motivational. If they feel they can't please you, they may stop trying. If you can't find anything positive to say, a genuine smile and a hug will do the trick. Whether it's about a drawing, a homework assignment, the way they have handled a friendship issue or any challenge they take on, I prefer to take the emphasis off the adult's judgment. Ask the child; "Are you proud of yourself?"

The "giving" part of Thanksgiving

It's that slightly bittersweet time of year for me; the holiday celebrations in America that began with Thanksgiving on Thursday this past week. I marked it in my heart, but as is often the case, I put the celebration aside. I live in England, with a British husband who has never really embraced my favourite holiday and children who have school that day, afternoon activities and homework due the following day. I comforted myself with phone calls to relatives in the States and a turkey breast for dinner that could be cooked at the last minute and eaten in front of the TV (we couldn't miss American X-Factor!) at 8 p.m. I made sure that there was some mention of gratitude; both the kind that you offer to others and the kind that you carry around in your heart. It was nice, but woefully inadequate compared to the big, warm, American celebrations that I remember, both with my own family and as a guest at a friend's home. Never mind. Maybe next year.

This year, I decided to do something for other people to mark the meaning behind Thanksgiving, which after all, was about giving thanks and sharing food with others in the community. Recently, a friend; Jane Milton, asked for volunteers to help out a charity called FareShare in their 1 Million Meal Appeal, which collects and redistributes surplus food within the UK. Their aim is to fight hunger and food waste in our society. Jane is perfectly positioned as an expert consultant to the food industry, to gather support and donations of fresh food from her professional contacts. However, this event was aimed at the public, asking for shoppers to purchase and donate longer-life items, such as tinned food, rice, pasta, coffee and tea, to be distributed to 35,000 people a day through 700 service organizations.

FareShare partnered with Sainsbury's to position volunteers in 600+ stores across the UK yesterday, to request and collect donations of food from people alongside their own grocery shopping. It was an interesting experience. I volunteered at my local store in Stanmore, where I'm an occasional shopper. I was positioned at one entrance, while an accountant named Bob was at the other. We were given everything we needed, including a large Volunteer sticker and a pile of leaflets and left to get on with it.

The "Ask" - I'm a friendly sort of person and don't find it difficult to approach people, but you have to be prepared for rejection of all sorts when asking for donations and you can't take it personally. (I must have spoken to at least 700 people in my 6-hour shift.) You also have to be careful not to make judgements about people based upon whether they donate; you can't really know what each person's circumstances are and can't spend their money for them. My approach was to ask if they would consider donating one food item to feed hungry people in the UK. I was careful to say "any donation, no matter how small, would be appreciated," and meant it. I was as effusive in my thanks for the donation of a single 25-pence can of tomato soup or bag of pasta, as I was for the donation of a £4 jar of coffee or box of tea bags. Still, I couldn't help but note that some of the biggest donations came from elderly people and others who didn't look like they had a lot of money, while some of the most well-turned-out shoppers completely blanked me. I also found it interesting how many people were keen that the food stay here in the UK, helping our residents, rather than being shipped out to feed people in other countries. There is a real sense that we have to take care of our own first, before helping others. I can't say I disagree, though I would like to believe we could help eradicate hunger globally if better systems were put in place.

Kids - My favourite donors were the parents who gave their children the food items to put in my trolley; a small act of giving plus the reward of positive feedback is a wonderful lesson for a child about values of generosity, sharing and caring. Additionally, a young teenage girl, who I hadn't stopped on her way in, handed me a bag of rice as she walked out with her sandwich lunch. One of my 7-year old art students quite excitedly brought me 3 cans of soup.

Bringing it home - Perhaps the greatest gift I both gave and received yesterday involved my own 12-year old daughter, who joined me at the end of my shift. Another fundraising activity was going on at the Customer Service desk behind me, so we donated a few pounds for her to have a henna tattoo painted on her arm, while I talked a young man on Work Experience with Sainsbury's through the approach to customers. Afterwards, we returned all of the food gifts which could not be accepted by FareShare and used our credit to purchase another 66 tins of food for the Million Meal Appeal, worth double that as Sainsbury's was matching customer donations. She has seen me budget carefully all year, making sometimes uncomfortable decisions about spending and saving for our own family. For once, this wasn't about us; it was about doing something for someone else for whom the discomfort could be going off to school in the morning hungry or not being able to stretch their weekly budget out to cover 7 days of nutritious meals for the whole family. She acknowledged that it was cool that I was willing to give my time for one day to help others, however "wierd" it may have seemed that Mum was wearing a Sainsbury's fleece (it was cold by that door!) and "cringe-y" that I was interacting with strangers. It proves my theory that talking about values is only worth so much; acting on them is where the real learning takes hold. So, next time, the kids are going to help too, because I didn't do anything yesterday that my children couldn't have done too.

Rewards - There are some people who don't think an act is truly generous if you are rewarded for having done it. I disagree entirely; the giver could have chosen not to give at all. Every one of yesterday's donors was rewarded with a smile, a thanks and a typically American "Have a great weekend." They deserved to feel good about their acts of kindness! I also made sure to thank the Sainsbury's employees who made the event run so well. After all, I was in their space all day and they supported me in every way. I also felt rewarded yesterday when I realized how much food had been donated as a result of my actions. I felt rewarded by the supportive comments I received from some of the donors, one of whom told me I was doing "a beautiful thing." Mostly, I felt good that I had taken myself out of my little world, with my various personal concerns, for one day and focussed on other people and what they need. When I expressed that positivity, there was a real buzz around us that visibly lifted everyone. That was all the thanks I needed.

Parenting can be a bit of a minefield, but still...chickenpox lollipops?

There may be books out there that purport to guide us through parenting, but no book can truly prepare you for the decisions, opportunities and choices we are faced with in real life. In the real world, we have to use common sense to guide us in our actions. Most of the time, most people will make the choice that prioritizes the safety of our children. Sometimes, because we are human, emotion clouds our judgement. And then, there are those times when our judgement is influenced by convenience, cost and peer pressure. Surely that is where it all went wrong when some foolish parents decided to hold a "chickenpox party" where their young party guests were given infected lollipops in the hope that they would all contract chickenpox together.Chickenpox parties have apparently become popular in recent years following health concerns related to vaccinations. The next step was probably predictable; where there is a trend, someone will try to find a way to profit from it. Apparently, people are selling previously-licked lollipops (yes, licked by a child already contagious with the disease) over the internet! A Nashville, Tennessee woman has offered a "fresh batch of pox in her Facebook page: "Shipping of suckers, spit and Q-tips available tomorrow $50 via PayPal".

As far back as my own childhood, I remember siblings being exposed to each other while contagious to get the 2-week ordeal over with for the convenience of the mother. Perhaps cousins and playmates were also brought over for some passive exposure to chickenpox. I was shocked, but then quite relieved, when my daughter contracted an extremely mild case of chickenpox at 6 months old. She was too young to scratch the itchy spots and small enough for me to tend to her easily. When my 3 year old son was infected, along with half his nursery school, by one contagious child, I still thought it was better for him to have been exposed at an age when missing 2 weeks of school didn't matter much. However, he was severely affected and it was quite an ordeal for both of us. Still, I remember, now somewhat embarrassingly, having glibly invited friends to bring their kids around while he was contagious, so they would get it over with and have someone to play with while quarantined.

Even though chickenpox vaccines aren't available in the UK, I would probably have taken advantage of that option on one of our annual trips to the US, but I was too late. I would much rather my child have a proven vaccination and remove the potential danger and discomfort of any of the childhood diseases from my kids.

According to Isaac Thomsen, a specialist in paediatric infectious diseases at Vanderbilt Children's Hospital, it's unlikely to work by post because the shipping time would reduce the effectiveness of the germs left on the lollipop, but it is theoretically possible. It could, however, work if the lollipop is given directly from the mouth of the contagious child to another child at a party. It could also spread other diseases, such as hepatitis. It's not only a foolish, and actually quite gross, idea to feed anything licked by a stranger to your children, but it's also a federal crime to send diseases or viruses across state lines in the post. Sending snacks laced with chickenpox would be illegal under the same law that makes it illegal to post infectious diseases such as anthrax. Jerry Martin, a U.S. Attorney in Tennessee, quoted by Sky News, said a conviction could lead to a jail sentence between a few months and 20 years.

Got kids? Good financial planning brings peace of mind

In a recent article for Mindful Mum, I suggested that older mothers could benefit from seeing an independent financial adviser (IFA) to help plan for the upbringing, education and legacy for their children. Actually, all of us should do some financial planning, regardless of the age at which we start our families. It isn't just about feeding and clothing a child. We are fortunate in this country that school uniforms are sold in supermarkets for next to nothing, health and dental care are covered by the NHS and public transportation is free for children. Still, the most recent cost estimates of raising a child born in the UK to the age of 21 is £200,000. The average UK family has 2 children. Scary, isn't it?

The financial pinch is getting just a bit sharper all the time, with rising costs and cuts to public budgets. When they're young, children's costs seem to be mainly about after-school clubs, sports kit and birthday parties. Fast forward a few years and it's a different story. You may find that your teenagers can't find the Saturday jobs that once helped support their social lives. School-leavers may think twice about higher education now that tuition has risen to £9,000 a year at some universities. Many children are now happy to stay at home with Mum and Dad into their 20s, rather than fork out their earnings for shared rental accommodation. Whether you are worried about how you will meet your financial commitments in the future or you just want to make sure that you can uphold a certain standard of living, complete with winter and summer holidays, it pays to do some financial planning now. The benefits don't just apply to older parents; they are applicable to everyone, regardless of age or how much money you have. Good financial planning can help you:

1. Protect your family with the right type and amount of health, property and life insurance;
2. Plan your spending and saving;
3. Plan your retirement;
4. Secure your house with the right level of borrowing and best mortgage rates;
5. Build your assets through smart investment;
6. Find the right combination of assets based upon your attitude to risk and your financial position;
7. Obtain an objective assessment so you can make informed decisions;
8. Save money through tax incentive schemes;
9. Keep you on track by monitoring your investments in a changing market; and
10. Have the peace of mind.

It's also important to think ahead about how you would cope if you or your partner lost your job, your business took a downturn, or at worst, one of you became seriously ill or died unexpectedly early. Would one of you be able to cover your mortgage, council tax and utility bills so you could stay in the family home? Actually, it's never too early to address the issue of a Will, regardless of how uncomfortable it makes you to think of your mortality. Make sure that your partner and children are provided for appropriately, especially if you are not married.

What you should look for in a financial advisor:

• (S)he should be fully independent, so that her recommendation of financial products is objective and based upon your needs;
• A free, no-obligation telephone consultation
• Confidentiality
• Good rapport and ease of communication
• Registration with the Financial Services Authority

 

 

 

 

 

The team behind Fertility Road and the Fertility World Show launch Pink Parenting

Congratulations to Jeff Crockett and Giorgiou Severi on the upcoming publication of their new glossy magazine, Pink Parenting, next month and on Tuesday's feature in i, the mini-newspaper put out by the Independent.  If you don't know of them already, Jeff and Giorgiou are also the publishers of European glossy, Fertility Road, as well as the team behind the Fertility World Show which debuted in London this year.

Same-sex couples who are parenting have been in the public eye this year more than ever, as celebrities lead the way in talking about their new families, including Elton John and David Furnish, pop star Ricky Martin, and actresses Cynthia Nixon and Jane Lynch.  Meanwhile, behind the scenes, gay couples have been quietly creating families through sperm donation, surrogacy and adoption.  Under the Adoption and Children Act of 2002, same-sex couples have exactly the same right as heterosexual couples to adopt in England and Wales. In practice, however, it hasn't always been so straightforward for gay couples to find the help they needed to create their families of choice. Thankfully, this is now turning around, with research and polls suggesting that:

• same-sex parents can make better parents than a woman and man;
• children of gay parents are no more or less likely to be gay; and
• approximately 64% of people think that same-sex couples should be allowed to adopt.

I wish Jeff and Giorgiou every success in their new venture. As Giorgiou said about gay surrogacy and adoption in i, "the world is ready for it now.

Fertility World Show, NEC Birmingham, 22 - 23 October, 2011.

 

The adoption scheme that is flourishing in Harrow

I love spreading news of a family-building scheme that works. Put children who need loving, capable parents together with adults who have love and a nurturing home to share together. It sounds simple, but we know it isn't. As with many other social services in Britain, there is a postcode lottery, meaning that parentless or homeless children in some locales have a better chance of being adopted than a child elsewhere. Statutory guidelines differ, the view of adoption as the best option can vary among local authorities and social workers can dismiss prospective parents who don't "match" waiting children, failing to refer them to neighbouring authorities where they may find a better match.

The Times has gone so far as to call the overall scheme in this country "Britain's adoption crisis;" a result of only 2% of children in care being adopted last year in places such as Croydon, the worst performing council of all in Greater London. "Across England, the rate of adoption has been static for the past four years, with 13% of children in care being adopted annually." That begs the question of what is happening to the other 87% of children who don't have a real home. People who want families have been long put off by how difficult it can be to wade through the challenging bureaucratic tangle of the adoption services. They can face rigourous scrutiny, perhaps warranted, but also negativity, overly strict rules on ethnic "matching," long delays and an overall lack of support.

I was surprised and delighted to hear that my own local council, Harrow, is doing far better than most. According to Rosemary Bennett in The Times, the council that had one of the worst records of adoption in the country is approaching "best" now. The longer a child is in the care of social services, the harder it is to find them a permanent home, the more detrimental to the child's emotional wellbeing and the greater the financial cost to the community. Harrow's record of moving only 2 - 3% of children from care to an aoptive family, as recently as 2005, indicated ineptitude, but credit is due to someone at the local authority for realiing that they needed outside help to turn it around. They brought in 2 social workers and an administrator who were employed by Coram, a children's charity, and instituted controversial, but ultimately successful, systems.

This is what is working here in Harrow:

• The Coram staff work full-time in the local authority, find and assess prospective families, resulting in a pool of approximately 60 adoptive families under consideration at any one time;
• Adoption is considered from the outset, every time a child is taken into care, regardless of the age, race, religion, disability or number of siblings involved;
• The adoption plan is considered simultaneously with other plans which investigate how to support the child within their birth family, so that no time is wasted;
• the decision on whether or not a child should be adopted is taken within 4 months of arriving into care, exceeding the national guideline of 6 months; and
• 100% of those children are actually placed within a year.

Last year 20% of children placed in care in Harrow were either adopted or placed under a special guardianship order. Peter Tolley, service manager in charge of children's placements, said in The Times; "[W]hen these children read their records in the future, we want them to be able to see that every option was considered, that there was robust discussion, and that a lot of time and energy went into making the decision we believe is right for them." This message makes me feel personally very optimistic. Not only will more children be taken into families and private homes, but also that they will have a better understanding of why and how that transition took place, perhaps aiding their sense of belonging. Every child matters, but the longer they are a part of a government "system" and not part of a family, the less they may feel they matter. Their security and sense of personal self-worth are at stake andit is up to us to safeguard them.

Hopefully, Harrow Council will improve even further on their record, with the help of the Coram Harrow Partnership. In the meantime, if you are hoping to adopt, it pays to investigate the record of your local authority. and possibly, to move.

 

 

 

Steering IVF patients toward adoption from the start

How would you feel, if on your very first visit to the doctor regarding IVF, you were given an information pack about adoption?

Last week, there was a news report that Tim Loughton, the UK government minister for children and families, announced an initiative to prime childless couples for adoption, rather than fertility treatment. Loughton is concerned that there are too many children in care and too few being placed with families. Only 70 babies were adopted in the UK last year. He has a point. Is it too obvious to state that it is preferable to give a child a stable, loving family environment than to have them grow up in orphanages or foster care? He has good intentions, and the need is present, however, I wonder whether you have thoughts about the method he intends to employ?

Loughton apparently wants to get to childless couples before they begin the medical process to attempt assisted conception. His reasoning is that "they are clearly committed to bringing up children." He may be right, but I think he's missing a step here. At that point, on their very first appointment, they are committed to having and bringing up their own children. I fear that his proposed leafletting might be damaging, both emotionally to the infertile couple and in having the counter-productive impact of sending potential parents running. 

First,  a couple that has just begun to wonder why it's taking so long to conceive is hardly going to think of themselves as childless...yet. They may just be coming around to the realization that they need medical help to have a child, and think that once it's sorted, they will go along their merry way and have the family they want.

Second, it's jumping the gun a bit to approach a couple about adoption, when they are just exploring how medical treatment can help them to have their own child. Children aren't commodities. It's not like going to the shops to place an order for a sold-out product, and being offered a returned item instead.  I believe that with the vast majority of patients, the highest priority will be placed on having their own biological child at that point in the process. They will only be seeking guidance and approval on how to go about it. Some will find this type of information premature and disregard it; others may take comfort that it provides them with a Plan B, while still others may find it hurtful, intrusive or insulting.

Third, for many infertile people, the idea of being like "everyone else" and having a child who joins them as a couple and has recognizable, family traits is the ultimate choice.  We are romantic beings, wanting to recognize in our babies a mother's eyes, a father's smile, a grandparent's colouring or  a sibling's mannerism. With the advent of sperm and egg donation making the experience of pregnancy available to those who would otherwise have missed out, adoption is still seen by many as a last choice. There is not necessarily an immediate leap of consciousness from "why haven't I gotten pregnant this year?" to "let's adopt."

Mr. Loughton, finding out that you are infertile can be very difficult. If medical science can overcome infertility and give a couple what they want most, why shouldn't they go down that route? Additionally,a couple may need to go through a grieving process for the child they will not be able to bring into the world. They will not be receptive to your information packs until they have dealt with their grief. Sensitivity, time and coaching or counselling may be required to achieve acceptance of their situation and mental clarity about what IVF would entail in comparison to adoption. At present, adoption is not all that simple in the UK.

 I suspect that the difficult adoption process is the reason why only 3,200 children a year are adopted. Some people won't even bother trying because they have heard how notoriously difficult, intrusive and judgmental the process can be. The upper age limit for potential adoptive parents ranges between the ages of 35 and 40. Ironic then, that it is being proposed as the preferable option to IVF when many of those seeking treatment will be women in precisely that age range, cutting their chances rather close. Because people are getting married older, and women's fertility goes into rapid decline from age 35, it is often not until this age that they will seek IVF as an option to help them conceive.

It should be pointed out that besides the current, upper-age limit on adoption, the NHS cuts off funded IVF treatment at age 40. We might conclude from this that the government position has been that women aged 40 and older should not become parents, but apparently that's more about cost-effectiveness of treatment for women who have few healthy eggs remaining because of their age.  I wonder if cost plays a part in Loughton's new scheme, as diverting younger couples toward adoption would help both the NHS and Social Services reduce the stress on their budgets.

Adoption is a wonderful thing to do for an unwanted or parentless child and can create families where there would have been none. Thankfully, Tim Loughton wants to address the difficulty of adopting as well as shepherding would-be parents in that direction. He is quoted in The Sunday Times as saying that "the major consideration is [whether there is] a stable, loving environment to bring up a child [now] in care. There shouldn't be a hard and fast age limit or BMI (weight) index. We have older foster carers and we should consider older families to adopt."  He proposes that the upper age limit be lifted.

Tim, I couldn't agree with you more. But, please don't shoot yourself in the foot by pouncing too early on infertile couples who dream of having their own child. I propose that:

• the restrictions on adoption in the UK be revised first, so that more people can adopt;
• Then, a public awareness campaign can reach out to those who previously thought adoption was out-of-reach for them.;
• Only then would I target couples seeking IVF, in the sense of offering them alternatives to explore;
• Perhaps a simple, non-judgemental leaflet and questionnaire sent after an initial medical consultation could encourage those who would consider adopting instead of going through IVF;
• Couples who are willing to explore the idea of adoption could be offered coaching to help them weigh the pros and cons of IVF v. adoption as they apploy to them specifically, find common ground with each other on their values and priorities and make a positive choice for one or the other.

 

For known donor insemination, thorough discussion, legal advice and a contract are key to protect all parties, especially the children

There was a news item recently about a sperm donor who is involved in litigation over access to the two children conceived through artificial insemination using his sperm.  He had placed an advertisement in the Gay Times newspaper, stating that he was a gay male in a happy relationship, looking for a similar female couple who want to have kids. The children are now 7 and 9 years old. 

In this situation, there was apparently an agreement for some degree of co-parenting. Unfortunately, relations subsequently broke down and the women tried to rescind the agreement, forcing the father to get a court order in June this year. He won the right to see his children for almost half a year. The women are appealing the shared residency order.

We all know that any relationship can break down and that the fallout can be extremely difficult for father, mother and children. The complications usually arise from the emotional rift between the parents who, in all likelihood, once loved each other and intended to live together as a family. While lacking the personal hurt and emotional desertion, there are a whole host of other complications that can potentially arise from the breakdown of a donor/recipient relationship.

In some ways, it may seem that the very nature of donor/recipient relationships are  clear-cut in a way that a love relationship cannot be. You would think that all parties would have had ample time to discuss their desires and expectations and agree important aspects of the relationship before the children are born. However, no contract can really take into account the potential changes that people  will go through as they age, as their relationships evolve and as the children grow up.  While at least the donor/recipient don't have to deal with the particular ill will of a love relationship that has soured, they still have to work through unrealized expectations of each other as parents to their shared children.

If you are contemplating being a sperm donor to a known recipient, i.e. giving your sperm to a female acquaintance so she can conceive, or receiving donated sperm from a known male donor, through a private agreement, it's advisable to have your own legal advisor. 

• If the donation is completely altruistic and free of any intention to share parenting rights and responsibilities, there should be a written agreement that reflects this.  Regardless, under current legislation, upon turning 18 years old, the child will have the right to seek the identity of their biological father.
• If the donor wants to be involved in his biological child's upbringing, this intention should be stated from the very beginning and an agreement as to the extent of his involvement put in writing, signed by both parties and witnessed.
• Discuss access to the child, which could include co-parenting, visitation rights, holidays together or merely the agreement that one day, after a specified age, the child could reach out to meet his/her biological father. Contingencies should be discussed, such as whether the mother can move residence to a location out of the donor father's reach for visitation.
• Try to anticipate the fundamental issues involved in bringing up any child, such as what religion they will be raised in, who will have a say in medical decisions for their health and welfare, who is entitled to make decisions regarding their education, who can apply for a passport on their behalf and who will be named as their guardian if the custodial parent is incapacitated or deceased.
• Discuss financial responsibility for the child, including maintenance and education, including whether there are any contingencies, and until what age the responsibility is in force.
• Talk about emotive issues like gift-giving, especially if there is a disparity in the financial means of the donor father and the recipient mother/parents. Are gifts welcome at all? Do they have to be approved by the custodial parent? Should financial gifts be made directly or through a Trust?
• Agree who will be regarded as siblings, half-siblings and grandparents.
• A woman who is in need of donor sperm to conceive may make concessions during an agreement with a known donor out of desperation. For example, she may regret those concessions once she is a mother and raising a child without the benefit of child support from the donor father, or she may regret agreeing to visitation because of a different views regarding the best interests of the child. Either way, a change of mind is bound to upset someone and may be best mediated by a third party.

There are so many more areas to cover that this only scratches the surface. Even if everything above is covered by a written agreement before the child is born, one cannot anticipate what the child himself will think of the way in which he was conceived.  It's unlikely that he will wish it had never happened, as that would mean his own non-existence, however, he could wish it away, preferring to love and honour his biological mother and her partner, if any, to the exclusion of the biological donor father. What if the child identifies strongly with the donor parent and wants more access to him than any of the parties originally anticipated? The worst imaginable situation, would be for the child to become a pawn, moved back and forth by parents whose amicable relationship has ceased.

There are several sources of support, information and guidance for donor-conceived children and their families:

• The Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority is a UK government reglatory body.  http://www.hfea.gov.uk/23.html 
• Donor Conception Network is a self-help network of over 1,300 families created with the help of donated eggs, sperm or embryos; couples and individuals seeking to found a family this way; and adults conceived using a donor.  http://www.donor-conception-network.org/ 
• Altrui provides a professional service to find altruistic egg donors for people who need donated eggs or sperm to help them start a family, and may provide an alternative for you to using a known donor. http://www.altrui.co.uk
• There is a service that helps people find their "perfect parenting partners" which has a good section on their website listing frequently asked questions and answers for people to consider. http://co-parentmatch.com

 

 

 

How many siblings do I have? For Donor 150's children, it's 14 and counting

I've become very interested in the issue of regulations surrounding the use of donor sperm and eggs, so it was with great interest that I read an article in the Sunday Times this weekend, written by Kate Spicer.  It recounts the story of Donor 150 from the California Cryobank and the children born with the use of his donated sperm. A film about six of Donor 150's biological children, Donor Unknown, is premiering this week at the Sheffield documentary festival.  The true story is told of how six half-siblings met each other and their biological father; Jeffrey Harrison.

The children of Donor 150 became aware of each other through the Donor Sibling Registry; a website that helps donor-conceived children find any half-siblings they might have, and potentially, their father.  Wendy Kramer, founder of the Donor Sibling Registry, has been able to match 7,800 of them since 2000.  She predicts that she will be even busier as time goes on, as more donor-conceived children become young adults and want more information about their origins.

The lovely story here is that, so far, six of the 14 children known to have been fathered by Harrison now have the information they sought. They have met and developed relationships with their half-siblings; noticing similarities in their physical appearance, mannerisms and personalities. They now know where at least some of their characteristics come from. I am guessing that the association has added another level of identity to their emotional toolkit; better understanding of who they are because of where they came from.

According to Spicer, Jeffrey Harrison is a likeable beach bum and animal lover, cheerful, happy-go-lucky and spiritual. He does, however, come from intellectual stock, with some accomplished close relatives, so perhaps "his children" can trace their own intellectual and creative talents to them. While this is not their father in any sense of the word other than the use of his cells to create them, their tolerance of his offbeat ways and recognition that he is a kind and gentle person give them something on which to form a relationship of sorts.  For his part, Harrison sounds quite bemused to have a half-dozen young people who are biologically connected to him, look like him and want to know him. He says "I love the kids."

We have to wonder about the other children potentially born from Harrison's sperm, the number of which is as yet unknown.  Harrison donated sperm up to four times a week on and off for a period of eight years.  Because his profile was particularly attractive, mentioning good looks, a mellow personality and his illustious relatives, but leaving out the mention of his camper van home, Harrison was a popular choice of women requiring donor sperm. 

One of the hotly debated issues at the recent PET debate was how donor-conceived children will feel when they find out the truth of their origin.  There were a few on the panel and in the audience who thought that emotional upset, if not psychological damage, could result from a child finding out that their mother was paid money in exchange for her eggs. Others challenged this assertion, including me, believing that if the child is given the information in a sensitive and age-appropriate way, honouring the use of this form of assisted reproduction with gratitude for helping to create that child and that family, it would not be damaging. The children of Donor 150 bear this second theory out. Spicer interviewed them:

• 20 year old JoEllen Marsh (no relation to me) who is the child of a two-mother, lesbian couple, who said "If you grow up and it's part of your identity, it's cool. I'm proud. It's my story." 
• Roxanne Shaffer, 21, thinks Jeffrey is nice, with "the kindest heart."
• 23 year old Ryann McQuilton considers herself lucky that her parents were always honest with her about being donor-conceived. She believes that "keeping the truth from [children] can be damaging both to the relationship and the child's self-imag."
• Danielle Pagano, 21, was not told that she was donor-conceived by her parents until she was in her teens and has "some issues." It was Danielle who originally contacted JoEllen Marsh, when they were 16 and 15 years old, through the Donor Sibling Registry.

These young people seem to consider themselves fortunate, for the most part, to have met each other and to have met and liked the man who fathered them.

The industry in America is unregulated, so many dozens of children of Donor 150 could unknowingly be half-siblings. One of these, Rachelle, felt paranoid about the possibility of dating one of her half-siblings so chose only those of different ethnic origins. This was one of the issues brought up at the recent PET debate in London, as a reason to limit the number of children who could be born of a particular donor's gametes (sperm or eggs).  The HFEA is currently examining its UK regulations which govern donor gametes, including the issue of payment v. compensation. Currently, the law in the UK only allows for up to £250 compensation for expenses while there is a free market in the US, encouraging men like Jeffrey Harrison to sell his sperm frequently and over many years.

If UK law continues to limit compensation for donor gametes, the quantity will undoubtedly remain sparse. More people desperately wishing to create families will  feel it necessary to travel to a less regulated marketplace, such as the US, where they can choose from a menu of personal characteristics to find the donor of their choice. However, they will also run the risk of their child being half-sibling to dozens, if not hundreds, of other donor-conceived people.

If the law changes to allow a higher rate of compensation (see my blog post on the PET debate) or payment beyond compensation, more donor gametes will undoubtedly become available here in the UK. The higher cost of the gametes themselves would be offset by the money saved on international travel.  The other, equally if not more important, factor would be that the UK law limiting the number of times any donor may donate gametes is unlikely to change.  This effectively reduces the risk of half-siblings unknowingly engaging in incestuous relationships with each other. Since UK law now entitles children conceived with donated sperm in the UK after April 1, 2005, to know the donor's identity once they reach 18, the children would not be disadvantaged by being conceived here.

If this interests you, you may want to attend The Progress Educational Trust (PET) conference 'PASSPORT TO PARENTHOOD: THE EVIDENCE AND ETHICS BEHIND CROSS-BORDER REPRODUCTIVE CARE', taking place later this month, on Wednesday 24 November 2010 at London's Institute of Child Health, and there are still places available - see http://www.progress.org.uk/conference2010

I'd really like some comments on this topic. Have you seen Donor Unknown? If you have a perspective on any aspect of donor gametes, please let me know what you think.