your great life

More UK celebs talk about IVF; Jacqueline Gold's bittersweet story of life and loss

The other day, it was Emma Thompson talking about her IVF in the weekend papers and yesterday it was Jacqueline Gold, known as the dynamo who turned UK lingerie chain Ann Summers into a mult-million pound business. But, whereas Emma's IVF in her early forties was unsuccessful, Jacqueline gave birth to twins at 49. Sadly, one of Jacqueline and her husband Dan's babies, Alfie, died at eight months old in March of this year. Jacqueline spoke to a Sunday Times reporter, Laurel Ives, about their experiences.

By all accounts, Jacqueline Gold has always been a driven businesswoman. However, beyond the public eye, she and her boyfriend Dan started trying to conceive almost immediately after they met ten years ago. Quickly realizing that they would need the help of assisted reproductive techniques, they decided to undergo IVF. The stress of three failed cycles over a period of five years led to their split. Jacqueline's career at Ann Summers took over until she and Dan re-united two years later and decided to give IVF another chance; this time in the States. This time, the IVF worked and they conceived twins, born in July 2009. Unfortunately, though, theirs is a bittersweet victory over infertility.

While Jacqueline was pregnant, doctors discovered that one of the twins had a rare condition, alobar holoprosencephaly, which causes severe brain damage. Jacqueline and Dan opted not to terminate the affected fetus as they were worried about its risk to the healthy baby. No one expected the fetus to survive outside the womb. When Jacqueline gave birth to both twins, she was devastated to find out that Alfie, the ill baby, couldn't see, think or feed and was in constant pain. The next eight months were a mixture of joy with daughter Scarlett and pain on seeing Alfie suffer.

Jacqueline Gold is obviously a very strong woman. She has had to move on from a the life-altering experience of the death of her child, and according to the Sunday Times article, is doing very well. Here are some of the things to which Jacqueline attributes her healing:

• the love and support of her husband Dan, who she married two months after Alfie's death
• knowing that in his eight months of life, Alfie was well cared-for at the Children's Trust Tadworth, that his pain was managed and it gave her the time to know him
• creating a pirate-themed treasure chest for Alfie's mementoes
• her work, which gave her some normality
• that she was able to hold Alfie and say goodbye as his feeding tube was removed
• being a mother to Scarlett, now 16 months old

Jacqueline also spoke in the article about their experience of IVF, which I pass along here so that those who are going through it now, know that they are not alone in finding it difficult:

• She may have pursued her career vigorously during her fertile years, but the delay in trying to conceive was also about her personal life, "when you're older you're more confident, relaxed, resourceful and having the right partner is very important." She met husband Dan when she was 40.
• "IVF is such a rollercoaster. There is a big build-up and then such disappointment - it can be overwhelming."
• "[Y]ou don't have enough time on your side to take a year off." In one IVF cycle, Jacqueline had embryos implanted the day before her mother's funeral.
• After 3 IVF cycles, she and Dan split up for 2 years. "We had stopped communicating...everything had just broken down."
• They went to America for their final round of IVF "They are so much more supportive and positive about the process there, and the success of the treatment has a lot to do with how you are feeling."

There are lessons to be learned in Jacqueline's words, above.

1. A balanced life and a relaxed, empowered attitude are important ingredients in the "readiness" that many women seek;
2. Good paths of communication are essential to a healthy relationship in the face of stressful fertility treatments;
3. Pay attention to what else is going on in your life and how it might affect your chances of conceiving. A time of grief and emotional stress is not going to be the optimum time to focus all of your positive energy on conception; and
4. The support and trust in your medical team can have a positive effect upon your acceptance of treatment and eventual results.

On a final note, I would have added the link to Laurel Ives' article in The Sunday Times Style section, however, I was unable to get it without paying to subscribe online. Since I already pay for my subscription to the paper copy, I wasn't willing.

Secondary school visits; the Headteacher talks and the student guides

Let me get this out of the way first: I am a little put off by how forceful some of the other parents have been in asking how we are ordering our school choices on the application. The closest I have come to asking how others are going to fill out their forms is "What did you think of School X, or Y?" In contrast, I have been stopped in the playground, on the street and while picking my child up at a play date and asked, very forthrightly, "What are you putting for number 1, 2, 3?" and so on. Then there is the reaction; "Well, of course, your children are very bright." That always makes me a little embarrassed; while I don't want to sell my kids short, I don't exactly walk around telling everyone how bright I think they are. My reaction is to say something awfully apologetic, like "you should see the arguments we have over his/her homework ...just like any other kid." You don't want to sound too confident that your child will get your first-choice school. I just wish I felt confident.

By far, the worst reaction I can get from someone  to my list of schools is "Oh, really?" I don't need anyone else to second-guess my decisions because I spend enough time doing that myself.  What? Did I miss something that you're dying to tell me?  Tell all. 

If I am drawn into conversation about the school applications, I am completely unable to stonewall or lie. I just can't. So, it soon becomes clear that my husband and I do not always agree about a school visit (I know what I saw and heard; where is he coming from?), the weight to give various aspects of the school, the necessity for a strong extra-curricular program, fees and the way a school "feels." He and I will work it all out in the end, as we always do, but arguing is part of the process for us.  Isn't it funny that these people, the type who would have you think that they never have a different opinion than their partner, always have to "rush off, darling...so much to do," when you ask how their decision-making process is going? It should either be tit-for-tat or a strict, don't ask/don't tell policy.

I'm relieved that we are nearly finished with school visits. As much as they need to be done, they are rather tedious. They all follow a similar pattern: you listen to the Head talk about the school, possibly a Deputy Head as well, and then a few students who speak about how someone buddied them on the first day and everyone has been so friendly, but most of all, the teachers make them feel excited about what they are learning and there are so many fantastic clubs you can join. We were laughing the other day about how our daughter sleeps through them with her eyes open, when she launched into a rendition of the "Head's talk" practically verbatim.  Then, you are assigned a student who guides you around the school with a photocopied map and some instructions. Sometimes the tour comes first and the talk afterward.

Who you are assigned as a guide can make all the difference. My child tends to be self-conscious whenever I open my mouth, so it's a godsend if the student guide engages with her directly.  At one school, the guide was personable and inspiring, while at another, I had to practically pull teeth to get a conversation going. She spoke so quietly that I lied and told her to speak up as I am a little hard of hearing, causing my daughter to do the exaggerated eye-roll.  My advice: if you get a guide who is a waste of time, regardless of how sympathetic you feel toward their plight, ditch them. You can tell them you want to linger in the science lab to watch the experiments or start up a conversation with a teacher and tell them they can go on without you. Better still, if you see a guide who is confident and animated, attach yourself to their group and keep moving. You only have a limited time to visit these schools, so make the most of it.

The benefit of the school visits has been a few surprises. The private school reputed to have a pressure-cooker atmosphere has much better pastoral care than expected. Time spent talking with teachers there shed a lot of light on the level of instruction, personal attention and independent study allowed students. The local comprehensive with the very good reputation felt less cohesive; it's student guide the least confident and poised. However, the teachers seemed really on the ball. I wish I had seen their commitment and inspiration in the students.

The work displayed in another reputable, comprehensive school was sub-standard to my eyes. The faith school that I have always wished didn't have such a strong attraction for my daughter and her friends, just because of my own unease with one-faith schools, presented itself in such a positive way that I have had to rethink my position. The brand-new school with much-touted facilities and "cream of the crop" staff feels like an airport, has disturbingly empty rooms and didn't prove it had a soul. The emphasis on faith, though it was repeatedly stressed how inclusive it was, was too much for me.

All in all, the secondary school visits are absolutely essential and can't be dismissed in favour of the prevailing opinion making its way around the primary school playground. Go on what you don't see or feel, as much as on what you do.  You don't generally get another shot at starting your child off at secondary school; the place into which you will send them at the tender age of eleven and watch them grow. This isn't a decision they can make on their own, not fully understanding the consequences of the choice. It's about them, but ultimately, it's up to you.

 

A Time of Exploration and Change: Investigating Secondary Schools, Part 2

You need a glossary to make sense of the secondary school system in the UK. Among State Secondary Schools, there are:

• Comprehensives - community schools for students of all abilities
• Academies - independently managed, all-ability schools often set up with sponsors from business;
• Grammar Schools - take students, all or most, based upon ability;
• Specialist schools - which, though they follow the National Curriculum, focus on a particular subject area, such as sports, technology or visual arts.
• Special schools that cater for children with specific special educational needs

Some are fully owned and funded by the local educational authority, others are Voluntary-Aided schools (mainly religious or 'faith' schools) owned by a charitable foundation. As if that isn't confusing enough, one of our best local Grammar Schools has announced on its website that it is now one of the newest Academies, while a Comprehensive  with a history of low results has also become an Academy. I'm not sure where that places either of them, as I'm certain that the Grammar School didn't "dumb-down" and the Comprehensive is reputed to have a long way to go still. One question is whether the change is largely cosmetic, which in itself is not a bad thing, or will really change the nature of the education received by the children for the better.

One Grammar School admissions office told me that 9 places are available for applicants who pass the exam but live outside the cachement area. We won't be taking a risk on putting that one first. The other Grammar School has 25 places (out of a total of 180) available to people in their outer-cachement area (that's us); so a slightly better bet. Of the Comprehensive Schools we are considering, two are faith-run (my feelings about faith schools are another topic entirely) and the rest are secular. They are big, some of them taking in as many as 300 students in Year Seven, so obviously our chances are better. There is no point in kicking ourselves now for not having moved from our starter house; the one we bought before we had children, to one more local to the top Grammar Schools. When I moved here from the United States in 1996 to get married, I didn't have a clue about educational cachement areas.

All the schools hold Open Days or Evenings where you can listen to the Headteacher and a few students speak, be guided on a tour of the premises by current students and ask informal questions of students and teachers posted around the school. In the last ten days we have visited five schools. This coming week we are scheduled to see another six; 2 each on 2 different days. It's exhausting.

Already a pattern is emerging; tatty, old buildings, where the only bits that look 21st Century are the computers, get the thumbs down from Honey while fresher, more modern structures with well-lit halls and cafes for the older students, get the thumbs up. She is particularly critical of the girls' toilets, insisting that her health would be at risk because she would wait until she returned home rather than use a grotty toilet.  This is from a child whose bedroom is less than pristine and who doesn't exactly volunteer to help do laundry or clear the dinner dishes. Because she is quite artistic, I have pointed out to her that well-worn art rooms may indicate the best usage, as art materials are messy and require a lot of cleaning up. Additionally, one of the very best schools in the area is housed in a series of old and ugly-duckling buildings. New doesn't always mean better. I am treated to murderous looks for this type of comment.

All that aside, it's interesting how the "numbers," i.e. Ofsted scores, GCSE scores and acceptances to Universities, stack up against the general feeling you get when you are walking around a school. The scores are indisputable; the impression is completely subjective, as we have found out when my husband, my daughter and I come away with differing opinions. It has a lot to do with what each of us wants to get from the school.

My husband wants great GCSE + A-Level results and a teaching staff that will challenge the students to do their best, recognizing talent as well as weaknesses that need extra attention. For the record, I do too, however my priorities are more rounded, or more greedy, depending upon how you look at it. I also want a school where the kids seem genuinely happy, where the classes are engaging, as wide a range of extra-curricular opportunities as possible and where she will have a good social life. This last bit is one that is the least sure of all; you can't guarantee friendships. So, I'm looking for a good discipline scheme that includes zero tolerance of bullying or other trouble, and diversity.

How can I describe where we are right now; 3 weeks before the deadline for 11+ Applications? I'm distracted from my work. Both my husband and I are stretched, working the school visits around business appointments, the school run, after-school activities and family time. Honey says that she feel very pressured and moans that her best friends are all guaranteed a spot at a decent secondary school under a sibling policy. Her father and I are both aware of how unfair it can seem to be the oldest child who has to pave the way for younger brothers or sisters, being the eldest ourselves. However, it's equally difficult to be the middle or the youngest, and besides, life isn't fair, is it? We do what we have to do.

Privately, I do think that this system is too much, too soon. I find myself telling my not-yet eleven year old that she has to get serious about her work and decide to "go for it" if she wants to have a chance at the best schools. But, why should a ten year old have to take that on her shoulders? A generation ago, when I was ten, after-school was about play dates in the street and a little homework. It was more "what do you want to do when you grow up?" than "what would you like to achieve in your life?" It's so early.  We want them to retain some of the relaxed innocence and playfulness of childhood for as long as they can; not worrying about the pressures they will face in adult life. However, when faced with the knowledge that the choices we make for her now will affect our daughter's future paths in learning and work, we can't afford to pretend that this isn't happening. There are hoops to jump through.

Slowly, but surely, we're seeing a change in our daughter. Her insistence on going to the same school as all her friends has lessened. The tide started to turn when she visited one of the private girl's schools and was mesmerized by the art studios, the performing arts centre, the clubs and trips available and the sports complex. For the first time, she saw for herself that different schools present different levels of opportunity. This child, who has rarely competed for anything, academically or otherwise, suddenly wants to go through the rigorous admissions process, competing against children who have been coached throughout primary school for just that.  Why? She wants to spend the next six years in those art rooms more than anything else in the world. I can relate to that.

Soon, we'll sit down, after all the schools have been seen, and put our top-choice, state, secondary schools in order on the application. We will submit applications to a few private schools. From October to January, my husband and I will do our best to maintain a healthy balance between schoolwork, preparing for exams and regular, family life; including both childrens' birthdays. I think I had better invest in some of that super-hard nail strengthener, Dr Stuart's Tranquillity Tea and some of those squishy stress-balls for all three of us.

 

A Time of Exploration and Change: Investigating Secondary Schools

My daughter is about to turn eleven soon, so it's time to investigate secondary schools. Unlike my own experience, in which every child leaving a public primary school in my town went to one local Junior High School, we are faced with a confusing lottery system. Some of the schools have an entrance exam; some don't. Some are secular and some religion-based, even among the state-run schools. And then there are the private Independent Schools in the area, the two closest of which are in the top 10 in the country. This is all slightly stressful, both for us and for Honey (her nickname).

As a bright child, but one who likes Art, Design Technology, PE and Break much more than her academic subjects, having to "get serious" about her schoolwork, what she wants to do in the future and where she will go to secondary school, the 11+ Admissions process is something Honey would like to block out rather than embrace. I can relate; several dozen times so far, I have had fantasies about decamping to the U.S. for a far simpler entry into the next stage of education for both of our children.

I can only say, in the nicest possible way, that the secondary schools admissions process isn't straightforward. By being able to put your first, second, third (and so on) choices on an application, you are given the impression that you actually have a choice of where your child will end up.  However, regardless of our choices, each school makes its own choices and each one has its own criteria. Priority may be given to immediate neighbours of the school and siblings of current students, with exam results and/or cachement area taking up the remaining places.  Some schools use a straight-line measurement to determine distance. Others take results and distance into account. With others, it is purely a lottery.

   

Dilemmas abound. Do you take a chance and put the best school your child is reaching for as the number one choice? Put your close-second as number two and see what happens: if she wasn't lucky enough to get her first choice, and second choice is also popular, chances are she won't get that one either.  I wouldn't exactly call the process deceptive; but it feels as if choice is an illusion rather than a reality.

 

Do you want to be a mother? It would be silly to assume...

This morning (yesterday, actually) I was part of a lively discussion with a group of women about mothering. That isn't unusual for me, given what I do professionally as a fertility coach, however, this was not a conception-oriented support group or a bunch of old friends having coffees while curled up on the sofa. We came together for some business networking and little by little, my passionate interest in fertility became the topic of conversation. Everyone joined in because, well, they could. All women can weigh in on women's health, fertility and choices about mothering because they affect us all.

What was really interesting to me was that of the six of us present, one woman felt too young to contemplate mothering yet, one was ambivalent, one, like me, was a mother after considerable setbacks and emotional suffering, one didn't want children and one had never wanted them and had now surpassed her childbearing years.  Let me quickly state that no one's reasons were political, feminist, culturally imposed, infertility-related or due to other health problems. It was all about personal choice.

I would class that quite wide range of personal choices about mothering in such a spontaneous situation as unusual circumstances. Or, perhaps it is because I tend to come into contact with a lot of women who are focused on conceiving. I was impressed that no one was in the least apologetic about their choice. (Not that they should be, but I have come across women who have been.)

You might think that, being a fertility coach, I advocate mothering for all women. However, you would be wrong. While I do think that most women have a maternal instinct and want to have a child, I don't believe that it's essential. I don't believe that it's advisable to have a child if you don't feel sure that parenting is what you want for your life. I have known one or two people very well, who most definitely should not have gone down that route. The thing is, parenting is really hard work.

At one point I admitted to these women, that even when the children are talking back to me or fighting with each other and I would like to see the back of them, they take 100% priority over everything else in my life and my love for them beats all the down-sides. It even makes it alright that both of my childbirth / maternity-care experiences were far less than the ideal picture in my mind. That commitment of love, focus and energy is overwhelming, but if I didn't feel that, the rest of it would probably drive me crazy. But that's me.

Part of my focus on family-building is on helping people make decisions about and pursuing their family of choice. That also pertains to those who decide that their family of choice is their partner and themselves, or as the single, devoted Auntie or Uncle to their sibling's or best friend's children.  Every one of us has our own aspirations and deserves respect for our purpose in life and the path we choose to follow. The more we talk about options, and the more we listen to the reasons for each other's choices, the easier we will find understanding and acceptance of our own choices. Whatever you decide, be confident and proud and be the best you can be.

ELEVEN year old girls on the Pill?

Tomorrow, I will post on the UK news item Number of 11-year-olds on pill soars, The Sunday Times, Page 1, August 1, 2010, but I am opening this up for discussion now. It begins: "More than 1,000 girls aged 11 and 12 have been prescribed the contraceptive pill by family doctors, a fivefold increase in the past decade." One of the most controversial assertions, I suspect, will be that "GPs may prescribe if they believe an underage girl is mature enough to have sex."

WHAT DO YOU THINK? Is a child of 11 ever mature enough to have sex? Is this situation, giving GPs the duty to maintain confidentiality of underage patients, setting up children to disregard their parents' values? A child of eleven would not be allowed to leave school without a parent's permission.

• Is it just about birth control; keeping the population of teenage, unwed mothers down?
• Are we now letting kids do whatever they want, regardless of the emotional and physical health risks posed by sexual activity at such a young age?
• Do you believe that a child of 11 is capable of making a mature decision about sex and giving valid consent?
• Who are these little girls having sex with... other 11-year olds or older boys/men who can take advantage of their vulnerability?
• Or, would you argue that an 11-year old, who is savvy enough to go to her GP behind her parents' back to ask for the Pill, is not vulnerable?
• Could this end up negating current laws on rape, for sexual activity with a minor?

Please leave comments. I will carry on tomorrow.

Welcome (again) to July ICLW at Your Great Life

Hi there,

Thank you to those who commented this month for July's ICLW at Your Great Life. My Welcome letter is reprinted below as I am still working on the topics introduced there and want to keep them fresh. See you in August, though I very much hope you will pop in for a visit and a comment between now and then.

Lisa

...................

I'm feeling really great to have already received a good number of ICLW visits and comments today, despite not having posted a welcome until just now.  I seem to have struck a note with my series of blog posts on how single fathers can take on or improve their knowledge, communication and availability regarding body issues relating to their pre-teen and teenage daughters.  Quite a few of you have told me that your mothers weren't particularly open or instructive about personal hygiene, skin care, first bras, shaving or lightening of body hair. There is no reason that mothers can't benefit from these blog posts too, so if you know anyone who isn't coping well with this area of parenting, please send them the link. The next one in the series will be menstruation...awaiting the first period and learning the best way to manage periods.

Don't worry; I'm not moving away from the areas of infertility and conception. My mind is working laterally.  My primary purpose is to give women of all ages, and men too, a knowledge of, and respect for, their bodies and how they work SO THAT they can maximize good reproductive health and have the best chance of having families of choice, when they are ready to do so. Even my personal experiences, having the benefits of:

1. Sex education and Health classes at Junior High School and University;
2. communicative, instructive and supportive parents;
3. an annual (actually once or twice yearly) well-woman exam by a gynaecologist since the age of 17 (initially set up by my mother and continued by me);
4. the ability to talk to friends about our bodies (comparing notes is a very useful way to learn) and sex; and
5. a culture of preventive medicine that keeps me on top of changes in my body or its functions;

I was amazed to learn what I did not know about my body, fertility, pregnancy and childbirth when I ran into my own reproductive health problems in my 30s.  As a fertility advocate, I would like to help other people remedy that situation so they can take personal responsibility for their own health, the emotions and decision-making that appear in the context of fertility.

Awareness, education and communication are key to getting people the help they need to live healthy lives, conceive and eventually, parent. However, just as important is the ability to do this all while feeing good about yourself and how you are coping with life's challenges. If you know anyone who would benefit from fertility coaching, either individually via office or phone sessions, or on one of my group courses, please give them my contact details:

Email - [email protected]

Phone (internationally) - 011 - 44 - 208 954 2897 London is on Greenwich Mean Time. Please check the time before dialling. (I can usually phone you for sessions.)

Phone (within the UK) - Landline 020 8954 2897 or Mobile 0777 909 1466

My office calendar can be arranged through Reception at the Stanmore Chiropractic Clinic, Stanmore, Middlesex, UK. Telephone - 020 8954 8311.

Shaving, bleaching, waxing, threading...huh?

No. 4 in a series for single fathers, raising, caring for and talking to pre-teen daughters about their body.

Men, do you remember when you used to watch your father shave in the mirror every morning? It's entrancing; not least because hair on your smooth face was hard to contemplate. The concentration required meant he couldn't talk to you at the same time. Shaving made the bristly bits go smooth and he smelled nice afterwards.  You dreamed of the day when you could be a man and shave too.

Well, it's not exactly the same with girls and shaving. Most women shave in the shower, without an audience. It's hard to see what you are doing, but easier than contorting yourself like a Chinese acrobat to get one foot in the sink and keep the other firmly on the floor, while naked or in a nightie. If you don't have an older woman in the house, your daughter is going to need some help from you. Step up.

A lot of us women were raised with the message "no pain, no gain." In other words, you have to suffer to be beautiful. I suffered plenty; I used a disposable razor on my legs and invariably skinned my knee, shin or ankle every week.  Bloody disaster zone.  Of course, it's not universal that women must have shiny, hair-free legs, but in most Western countries you can take it for granted. However, you do not have to suffer too much for your beauty if you are smart about it.

One thing you have to keep in mind, (and this goes for hair, skin, teeth, breasts and fingernails) is that women, and even pre-teen, women-to-be, check each other out at every opportunity.  If a girl discovers that her classmate or camp bunkmate is shaving, she will want to do it too. The other motivating factor can be if she noticed that her legs or underarms have more hair than any other girl she knows. Take into account:

• her age;
• how noticeable her body hair is;
• her level of interest;
• peer pressure; and
• your ability to teach her what she needs to know.

When your daughter first mentions shaving her legs, mentally go through this list and casually ask her why it has come up. Obviously, a razor and shaving cream aren't cult items, but you may be surprised to find out that she knows a lot about them. Ads on TV and in girls' magazines make it sound very grown up and either exciting or terrifying. She doesn't need the razor.  What she really needs is a solution to a problem, as she sees it. That goes back to whether she is really hairy or whether she just wants to do what the other girls are doing.

Girls are coming to these milestones earlier these days. I think I started shaving my legs and underarms in 8th grade, age 12 or 13. It just seemed right at the time. My own child first asked me at age 9, which I thought way too young. She then wore knee socks with her school uniform, or trousers, until I gave in the following year. It intially bothered me, as a mother, that she was rushing into teen-hood when she wasn't even "double-digits" yet. However, if faced with an unhappy child, you have to ask yourself if the principle of a minimum age is a worthy one. I think not. The compromise could be that she doesn't shave, but can use a depilatory cream, such as Veet, that is spread on, left for 5 - 10 minutes and washes off in the shower. Very uncomplicated and blood-free, as it should be.

Moving on to other body hair: face, arms and tummy. I'm not talking about werewolf levels of hair. Your daughter may think she has a noticeably hairy upper lip, forearms or the vertical line from belly button to bikini line. If she is dark-haired, she may be right. If she never noticed before, but suddenly it bothers her, it is probably because aother child pointed it out to her. Do not let her shave these areas, or when it grows back it will be blunt-edged and bristly.

There are choices here; home-bleaching kits like Jolene Creme Bleach (a.k.a. Jolen) and Boots Expert Hair Lightener. Take it from someone who has had more than a few home-grooming disasters;

1. Do not let your 11-year old, or even 13 yearold do this for the first time by herself. That's why you are there;
2. Follow the directions, do the patch test it recommends and don't leave it on longer than you are meant to;
3. Beware: some people can have an allergic reaction to the ingredients, so do the suggested test patch first. Also, her hair may go blond, but it could also go strawberry blond, which is reddish.  Again, do the patch test first. 
4. Don't let her brothers, if there are any, see your daughter with bleach on her  upper lip. It leaves the door open for much teasing, and tears.

This is a very viable option and usually does the trick, however, if it doesn't work for her (too much hair, reddish hair, etc...), the alternative is waxing.

Waxing body hair has its pros and cons. The pros are that it leaves your skin smooth and hair-free, with no blunt edge as it grows back over the next month or so. You can wax pretty much anywhere (pro), as long as you she can stand the pain (con). If you are there, she will scream and cry louder (con) and you will wince with each strip of wax (con). I would always recommend you take her to a professional who is experienced in waxing, because they do it very quickly. Yes, it hurts, but it works (Big Pro). 

Threading is the new tweezing, though it isn't new at all. Eyebrows are funny things; on a young girl's face they are often quite thick and feathery,which looks fine with her soft features. However, women, who want to look more sophisticated, prefer a sharper line to their brow. Over the past 10 years or so, brows have been promoted by beauty therapists as the "frame" for our eyes, evidenced by the creation of "brow bars," where you can go for 1 or many methods of hair removal.

If a girl has heavy eyebrows, she will eventually want to shape them. In Western countries, this was traditionally done by plucking hairs out with tweezers.  A whole company, Tweezerman, was created to sell trendy, but excellent, tweezers. The concept includes limited edition colours and patterns decorating the arms of the tweezer; such as pink for a breast cancer campaign. While tweezing and waxing obviously work, threading has been taking the beauty world by storm. It comes from Asian and Arabic cultures like Iran. Practitioners use a pure, thin, twisted thread which is rolled over untidy hair on the face, plucking it at the follicle level. Threading can remove an entire row of hair, resulting in a straighter line. It's not for the squeamish, as many practitioners anchor the cotton thread between their teeth,which can be very off-putting.

Whatever the situation with your daughter, take it slowly. Either you will have to be observant, so as to notice that she needs some help,or you will have to be there to comfort her when she decides that it bothers her enough to do something about it.

• Ask her if a friend is already shaving, waxing, bleaching, tweezing or threading. Ask her if she minds you calling that friend's mother for a consultation.
• Ask her aunt, cousin or older friend to take her to the store to buy whatever she wants to try.
• Ask if she needs help, and even if she says no, stay outside the bathroom door in case of a crisis. 
• Keep it in perspective; it's just hair, not health, but if it matters to your daughter, it has to matter to you too.

One final warning: donot try to doit all at once. One small area from start to finish, at first; see how it goes, then take a successful remedy further. I wish you good luck on these bumps in the road.

Breasts, bras and boys - all to come for you and your preteen

No. 3 in a series: Single fathers raising, caring for and talking to pre-teen daughters about their body

Way before breasts begin to appear, like little soft hills on the flat landscape of a girl's flat chest, she will have an awareness that she is different from her brothers and male classmates. It might seem that awareness has always been present, from when 3-year old girls dressed up as fairy princesses and 3-year old boys showed a preference for any game that made a lot of noise.  That's a completely different thing, due in part to the way they were treated by adults and gifted with dolls or trucks. Physical awareness of gender is inseparable from the child herself. Most girls and boys know innately who they are and identify strongly with members of their own sex, without knowing anything about breasts, vaginas or penises.

The self-consciousness that comes with a girlish growth spurt, dictates that you mustn't run around topless with your boy-friends on a hot day because someday there will be breasts on your torso and not on theirs. Probably at about six or seven, a girl no longer wants to take a bath with her brother unless he is still a baby, but she'll still fall about in a fit of giggles after streaking naked through the house with a hat on. By eight years old, she will close her bedroom door to get dressed and will hide if you open it.  At nine, she is likely to want to wear a pretty half-undershirt that resembles a bikini top, regardless of the fact that there is nothing there to cover. But, by ten, she wants it so that she has another layer between her body and the boys' glances. 

If you are raising your pre-teen daughter without a woman in the house, you are also likely to be buying her clothing.  If you haven't noticed a change in your daughter's figure, you probably think you are safe for a little while longer; before undershirts give way to bras and shoes get heels.  That's a mistake:  At about ten years old, (Year 5 in the UK, th grade in the US) your daughter is observing other girls for clues as to what is expected of her.  She is trying to figure out how she can be similarly equipped without having to ask you outright.

Wake up Dad! This is the most confusing time for a girl and even more confusing for both of you if her mother is absent. Puberty brings moodiness; emotional swings and round-abouts. Girls sneak peeks at each other at school or swim practice, curious to discover their level of physical maturity, their place in the social hierarchy and their style, including:

• whose first hint of breasts shows through her top;
• who turns away from the others to undress for PE;
• who wears an actual bra;
• whose bikini underwear has come from the teen department rather than the Disney store; and
• who is wearing a coveted label (Thank G-d for school uniforms).

If you're open-minded about what you will find for her, and sensitive, there's no reason not to take her shopping yourself, but if you feel out of your element, why don't you ask her to nominate someone else to help her.

Your daughter needs a confident guide for this particular journey. It's not as simple as just buying your daughter the first training bra you find. If you lack confidence in relating to your girl about her body and/or her clothing, find someone who has it to spare. This is where my Single Father's Toolkit comes in handy again. The second tool on the list is "friendship with the Mom of at least one of her friends." Talk to the nicest Mom-friend you know and ask whether her daughter has brought up the subject, and what "grown-up" activities she is doing, i.e. shaving, wearing a bra, using deodorant, experiencing the odd pimple or getting greasy hair.  Ask her to keep you in the loop so that your daughter isn't left behind. She may not be the right person, though, to talk to your daughter or take her shopping.

Ask your daughter to which Mom it's easiest to talk, or whose style she admires. If you feel comfortable with her choice, ask her if she will take the girls shopping and help your daughter pick out what she needs or wants at the same time as her friend. There has to be a trust between them; that she will give it generous attention and help her find "the right things," right not necessarily having a literal definition.

This is still about breasts; visible and undeniable emblems of being female and of femininity. This can be very difficult for a father to accept. There is the sense, that she is yours to protect until you feel she is ready for a relationship with a young man. It's a shock to realize that her body will proceed with its development, with or without your approval. Likewise, you won't want her body to draw male attention, but it will. If you try to keep her in little girls' clothes or display any disapproval of her body, you are in danger of undermining her efforts to accept the changes she is experiencing. She needs to feel proud of herself, inside and out.

It's about acknowledging that she is growing up, while understanding that she will still act childish sometimes. It's about her feeling confident that she will always be loved no matter how she changes. It's about accepting why she has to have whatever the other girls have.  Peer pressure is a big influence to a young girl; she doesn't want to be the only girl with discernible breasts, but doesn't want to be the last girl to get them either. By all means, have those heart-to-hearts about anything she wants to discuss. Positively acknowledge the changes in the rest of her body: her face, waist, hips, legs, etc... so that she can see her breasts as part of the entire, nearly teenage package.  The goal is to help her stay positive, accepting, responsible and confident; actually that is your goal too. Tread carefully, and keep love in your voice.

Something went bump in the night - Pre-teens and Pimples

No.2 in a series: Single fathers raising, caring for and talking to pre-teen daughters about her body

As your daughter approaches puberty, changes are bubbling and brewing under her skin, waiting for a chance to erupt: pimples and breasts. OMG!!! That would be a typical reaction on her part..."I can't go to school. Daddy, please write me a medical absence note."  Hopefully, she isn't the first child in her class to get either of them. You may want to start praying now that she is neither the first, nor the last of the girls in her class for either type of new growth.  At lease, let someone else's child go first, pleeeease. Today I'm talking less about pimples, than about how you, as a single Dad, can help your daughter cope with some of the less welcome aspects of growing up.

If there aren't any women or older sisters in your daughter's life and it's all down to you to help her through this coming-of-age trauma, G-d bless you. Think back to your own pre-teen time and try to remember how you felt when your very first, red, shiny and possibly painful pimple took up residence on your face. I think it's fair to say that most of us approached the mirror with a mixture of curiosity and disgust and then checked every 5 minutes to see if it had gone yet.

She may try to deal with it on her own first. You may find "pimple" in the history of her Google searches. She may be whispering into the phone a lot.  I advise you to pretend ignorance before she brings up the subject herself, no matter how glaring the mini-mountain.  If she pretends that the pimple isn't there, you would be best to ignore it too. The positive message you are giving her is that if she's not bothered, you're not bothered.

But, what do you do if your daughter reacts as if Mt Vesuvius is erupting on her nose? Panic. Evacuate. The sky is falling. The way that you respond is crucial to this second test (first was hygiene) of your new relationship. "What new relationship; nothing's changed" you might ask. It surely has. Before, you were the father who picked her up from a fall, kissed the bruise and put a Band-Aid on it, reassuring her that everything would be fine.  That will not placate her now. Instead, you must be careful:

• Don't use more negative or exaggerated words than the ones she uses;
• Don't react emotionally. Do not say "you're growing up. You're not my little girl anymore," because that will confirm her worst fears (that comes in my next post about breasts). She wants you to help, protect and support her; or
• Don't laugh, say she is over-reacting or call her silly. Her face has been smooth, soft and unadorned all of her short life thus far. Now she has a Christmas tree bauble on it.

Equip yourself with both emotional and practical tools for parenting in this area, traditionally the domain of mothers.

In your Single Father's Toolkit, make sure you have:

• familiarity with a good search engine,
• friendship with the Mom of at least one of her friends,
• knowledge of which pharmacy and/or supermarket is open late,
• familiarity with trusted names in skincare,
• calm, patience and wisdom, confidence; and most of all
• time and attention to devote to your daughter. 

Back to that pimple now. If she is hysterical, or extremely low, comfort her. Look your daughter in the eyes and keep calm, speaking to her with a soothing voice. Be patient. Don't drop away. Eventually, she will calm down too. If she seems able to listen, tell her what causes a pimple. If you know what something is or how it works, explain. If you don't, it's not necessary to bluff. You will earn much more credibility by being honest, so look it up together, or ask if you can talk to her a little later.  Patiently, explain to her how to keep her face clean and not to scratch, pick or otherwise attack her pimple.

The most painful part of having pimples is the social aspect of it. She still has to go to school.  She will probably worry that she will be stared at, teased or called a name. Even if there's not a boy-crush to worry about, other kids can be insensitive or even cruel when they see a sign of vulnerability. It's not necessarily going to be bad, but you can't promise her that it won't happen. Remind her that she has friends there, who care about her feelings. Reassure her...if her classmates haven't had one yet, their time will come. She will have an opportunity to be kind toward them, adopting a stance of blemish-blindness; what you pretend you don't see becomes invisible.

Next up is my discussion of how to cope with your daughter's feelings about her breasts