your great life

Where will you go from here and how will you get there?

Do you feel exhausted by your attempts to conceive this past year? I wouldn't blame you. If you are on the side of the world where December is the darkest month in the calendar, or even worse, you live in a place where the sun forgot to shine this week at all (yes, you Londoners!), you may feel just a bit hopeless. If you spent a substantial amount of time during the Thanksgiving to Boxing Day month in close proximity to women who are pregnant, or who have recently become mothers, you may feel more than a bit discouraged by your personal lack of success in that area. Or frustrated, fed up, resentful or downright furious. The big question is where are you going to go from here?

January is a great month to re-assess your position. It may be the cliche of out with the old, in with the new, but hey, if it works then why not follow it?  I'll be writing more about this during the next few weeks, including a new coaching programme that will help you solidify your intentions, streamline your actions and recognize shifts as soon as they show up in your life.

What I do want to get across to you today, is that what worked for you last year may not be what is working for you now, or what will work for you in the next 12 months. Why? Because we are always evolving; not static. You are a year older, your body may either be more or less fit, fertility treatment and/or miscarriage may have taken its toll, you may be recovering from positive surgery to clean up endometriosis or from an unexpected diagnosis, your stress level may have changed, your financial situation may have changed, and more. When creating your plan for 2011, it's essential that you do a physical and emotional audit, so that you and your partner, and even your doctor, have your eyes wide open to how you feel right now.

Instead of looking at your infertility as one long haul, it can only help to stop and assess where you are now and whether any changes need to be made. The answer may be that you are satisfied with the way things are, and you can continue on with confidence. However, if your exploration of the way you are going about life brings up questions about what can be done differently, or better, for a more effective outcome, we can work out some of those issues together. 

It would be great if you could begin jotting down notes now, as thoughts occur to you. Then, you will be ready to work with me as I introduce each step of the process in the coming weeks.  Ease yourself in gently, so you don't feel like it's hard work or get overwhelmed. My favourite first purchase every year is a new journal. I love starting fresh with the clean pages, whether I am using an old-fashioned black-and-white speckled Composition Book or a pretty and cheerful, designer journal. Just make sure it is big enough that you can use it for several months, or buy more than one, so you can continue on.

Watch for more news on the launch of this new programme.

 

 

 

Fertility advice from the Jeremy Kyle Show?

Did anyone (in the U.K.) see the Jeremy Kyle show this morning? He called it his Morning Surgery. Now, I NEVER watch that show because I HATE the format, the type of issues he covers, the type of people who are his guests, the shouting, accusing, and what I see as emotional manipulation. How do I know what it's like if I never watch it? Simply, I dislike the entire genre of talk shows that primarily exist to surprise, shock, allow their guests to attack each other's character and encourage the audience to loudly express their opinions. More specifically, I watch Daybreak and Lorraine in the morning while getting the children ready for school and see the promos for the Jeremy Kyle Show. On certain occasions when thechildren are in the kitchen with me, I have even had to turn off the TV if something really offensive is being promoted for the JK Show. It's the attitudes and behaviour...

That being said, I am always interested in how infertility is portrayed in the media, so I watched the entire show today for the first time. Jeremy had two doctors on with him this morning, *Dr Arun Ghosh  and *Dr Stacey Palastrand. 

There were four fertility "stories" told on the JK Show this morning:

• the couple who haven't conceived after 4 years of unprotected sex;
• the couple who have endured multiple miscarriages and the heartbreaking loss of their son only a few hours after his full-term birth, and are now 23 weeks pregnant; and
• the woman who gave birth at 57 to a child conceived through IVF  in a Russian clinic (I believe); and
• a 35 year old single woman, an employee of the JK Show, who decided it was time to be proactive about having what she really wanted in life, a baby.

The Pros and the Cons of this show:

• Pro:  the story of the 60 year old mother to a toddler was not overly sensationalized
• Pro/Con:  Dr Ghosh said that there should be an age limit on IVF because of the danger to the mother, the higher percentage of genetic abnormalities in children born to older mothers and the "limited money in the pot" for their care. While I applaud his intentions of keeping both mother and child safe and healthy, it wasn't clear at what age he would cut off women from having IVF... I must have heard wrong, because I thought he was saying over 35!
• Con:  Dr Ghosh kept talking about how unethical it is to treat women with a small chance of success with fertility treatment.  As long as there is no danger, as in the doctor doing harm, and there is no question of the woman's mental health being in danger, isn't that what freedom of choice is about?  Yes, it's emotionally difficult, however, so is remaining childless if you want a baby more than anything.
• Pro:   Thankfully, Dr Palastrand gave a  more balanced viewpoint on the issue of older women becoming pregnant and giving birth.  My understanding is that there is very little danger to the mother if healthy and given good medical care. Also, everyone is entitled to testing for genetic abnormalities in pregnancy, so surely there wouldn't be a large number of babies born with genetic defects.
• Pro: When asked whether having a toddler isn't exhausting for a woman of her age, the older mother answered with some feistiness, that it wasn't as hard as caring for an elderly person, which she had done for more than 15 years before having her baby at 57 years old. She had also worked with special needs children. (It's worth pointing out that her husband is substantially younger than she is.) It just goes to show that the decision of whether to provide fertility treatment should be done on a case-by-case basis, rather than a uniform ban on women over a certain age.
• Pro:  JK asked the question "Isn't it preferable for a capable, older woman to have a baby she will love and care for, rather than the unwed teenagers who neither want nor can care for the babies they are having?
• Con: Not enough was made of the infertile couple's admission that they both smoke. Surely, if they really want a baby and have been unsuccessful for 4 years, they would be committed enough to make this lifestyle change. They should have been told in no uncertain terms that smoking is not acceptable, not least because it could cause miscarriage or low birth weight if they do become pregnant.  It also made me wonder whether the JK Show couldn't have chosen a couple who have tried absolutely everything to conceive. 
• Pro/Con:  the couple with the previous losses were given a 4D scan of the foetus. This could have been a huge emotional shock to them if there was something wrong. Thank Gd everything seemed well.
• Pro/Con:  the scan and sperm sample given to the infertile couple were good for illustrating what could be an obstacle to conception, however, the Drs seemed to just say you're both fine and should have no problem conceiving. There could have been more discussion of the types of further medical investigations that should be done to discover why they haven't conceived in 4 years and how to access them. "Unlucky" was mentioned...that's not good enough.
• Pro: the single mother was able to see her 15-week old foetus and found out that she is having a boy. That was a feel-good moment for everyone.
• Con: Why did the JK show feel it necessary to pad out the program with a cosmetic procedure? It could have actually gone deeper with fertility issues and explore one more issue or give more substantive advice than it did.
• Pro/Con:  the Drs kept their advice simple and sensible, but perhaps too simple. Dr Ghosh's top 5 tips for conceiving are: 1) have sex 2 -3 times a week, 2) stop smoking, 3) maintain a healthy weight, 4) relax and 5) go see your Dr.

Interestingly, Dr Ghosh's profile on his Twitter page describes him as a "UK media GP" who runs a prescription addiction clinic in Liverpool, specialising in sexual health, obstetrics & gynaecology, weight management & CBT. Dr Palastrand doesn't appear to have a Twitter page, but completed her GP training in 2008, with aspirations to be a "salaried GP in a semi-rural practice." Although I would have liked to see more substantive information and advice from the two doctors, and links to helpful resources for viewers, they both came off pretty well and gave a balanced view of the issues.

 

More UK celebs talk about IVF; Jacqueline Gold's bittersweet story of life and loss

The other day, it was Emma Thompson talking about her IVF in the weekend papers and yesterday it was Jacqueline Gold, known as the dynamo who turned UK lingerie chain Ann Summers into a mult-million pound business. But, whereas Emma's IVF in her early forties was unsuccessful, Jacqueline gave birth to twins at 49. Sadly, one of Jacqueline and her husband Dan's babies, Alfie, died at eight months old in March of this year. Jacqueline spoke to a Sunday Times reporter, Laurel Ives, about their experiences.

By all accounts, Jacqueline Gold has always been a driven businesswoman. However, beyond the public eye, she and her boyfriend Dan started trying to conceive almost immediately after they met ten years ago. Quickly realizing that they would need the help of assisted reproductive techniques, they decided to undergo IVF. The stress of three failed cycles over a period of five years led to their split. Jacqueline's career at Ann Summers took over until she and Dan re-united two years later and decided to give IVF another chance; this time in the States. This time, the IVF worked and they conceived twins, born in July 2009. Unfortunately, though, theirs is a bittersweet victory over infertility.

While Jacqueline was pregnant, doctors discovered that one of the twins had a rare condition, alobar holoprosencephaly, which causes severe brain damage. Jacqueline and Dan opted not to terminate the affected fetus as they were worried about its risk to the healthy baby. No one expected the fetus to survive outside the womb. When Jacqueline gave birth to both twins, she was devastated to find out that Alfie, the ill baby, couldn't see, think or feed and was in constant pain. The next eight months were a mixture of joy with daughter Scarlett and pain on seeing Alfie suffer.

Jacqueline Gold is obviously a very strong woman. She has had to move on from a the life-altering experience of the death of her child, and according to the Sunday Times article, is doing very well. Here are some of the things to which Jacqueline attributes her healing:

• the love and support of her husband Dan, who she married two months after Alfie's death
• knowing that in his eight months of life, Alfie was well cared-for at the Children's Trust Tadworth, that his pain was managed and it gave her the time to know him
• creating a pirate-themed treasure chest for Alfie's mementoes
• her work, which gave her some normality
• that she was able to hold Alfie and say goodbye as his feeding tube was removed
• being a mother to Scarlett, now 16 months old

Jacqueline also spoke in the article about their experience of IVF, which I pass along here so that those who are going through it now, know that they are not alone in finding it difficult:

• She may have pursued her career vigorously during her fertile years, but the delay in trying to conceive was also about her personal life, "when you're older you're more confident, relaxed, resourceful and having the right partner is very important." She met husband Dan when she was 40.
• "IVF is such a rollercoaster. There is a big build-up and then such disappointment - it can be overwhelming."
• "[Y]ou don't have enough time on your side to take a year off." In one IVF cycle, Jacqueline had embryos implanted the day before her mother's funeral.
• After 3 IVF cycles, she and Dan split up for 2 years. "We had stopped communicating...everything had just broken down."
• They went to America for their final round of IVF "They are so much more supportive and positive about the process there, and the success of the treatment has a lot to do with how you are feeling."

There are lessons to be learned in Jacqueline's words, above.

1. A balanced life and a relaxed, empowered attitude are important ingredients in the "readiness" that many women seek;
2. Good paths of communication are essential to a healthy relationship in the face of stressful fertility treatments;
3. Pay attention to what else is going on in your life and how it might affect your chances of conceiving. A time of grief and emotional stress is not going to be the optimum time to focus all of your positive energy on conception; and
4. The support and trust in your medical team can have a positive effect upon your acceptance of treatment and eventual results.

On a final note, I would have added the link to Laurel Ives' article in The Sunday Times Style section, however, I was unable to get it without paying to subscribe online. Since I already pay for my subscription to the paper copy, I wasn't willing.

How and when do you begin again after pregnancy loss or failed fertility treatment?

Are we going to try again?

After the disappointment of a failed IVF cycle, or the shock and grief of a miscarriage, the inevitable question hanging in the air is "are we going to try again?" It may be a given that you still want a baby, however the criteria for whether you are going to try to conceive and carry a pregnancy will have been affected by the recent lack of success with IVF, or the terrible end of your pregnancy. Whether you are on your own, or with a partner, the criteria you use to make your decisions may have changed and need to be looked at again. You must consider your current health, age, fitness, need for medical intervention, financial position, other commitments and your doctor’s advice. Assuming that you have decided that you do want to try to conceive again, naturally or with assisted reproduction techniques, the next set of decisions will be about when you begin trying.

Your timing

“When can I try again?” is one of the first questions that will come up in a woman’s mind once she has determined to pursue another pregnancy. Opinion, even among medical professionals, varies. Some doctors will say that, all being well, 3 months is a good amount of time to wait after a miscarriage. Others will suggest that an otherwise healthy patient wait until after she has had one menstrual period before trying to conceive.

Healing needs to be deep and complete

Miscarriage and fertility treatment are both hard on the body and can cause you to feel physically depleted.  This is exacerbated by the emotional toll that they take. It isn’t unusual for a woman to feel that she wants to, or has to, jump right back in and try again and simultaneously think that going through this process again is the last thing in the world she wants to do at that moment. Have you ever felt torn in that way? The reason for this dichotomy can be that you have not recovered fully and need to build up your strength and stamina. It may be worth asking your GP for a once-over health check, paying attention to your appetite, sleep, energy levels and hormone levels.

When I say that healing needs to be deep and complete, I do not mean that you should feel completely "over it." Grief and sadness are healed through the re-discovery of your own purpose, other blessings in your life and the perspective of time. The completeness I refer to is more about having thoroughly examined your feelings, your intentions and your values and decided that a pregnancy is still what you want to pursue. There are other options; alternative paths to parenting. Examine them, if only to rule them out, and then proceed with your next attempt to conceive.

Your emotional wellbeing

It could also be that you are putting on a front, trying to fool yourself and others about how you are really coping. What you say and what you truly feel must be congruent, or the result could be additional stress, sleepless nights and high emotion.  There may be no doubt that you want a baby, but being pregnant may be another matter entirely. Do you feel resilient; as if you have been able to pick yourself up, put your disappointment aside and look forward to the future? Or, do you feel fearful or hopeless? Your thoughts will affect your behaviour and very possibly, your outcome. 

If you are trying to conceive, while simultaneously thinking that it will never happen, or that it will end disastrously, you are draining your positive energy away from your goal. You are literally telling your body, that it will not function the way it is meant to do and reinforcing that message every time you let your mind obsess in this manner. Ovulation does not occur in a vacuum; it is dependent upon signals from your brain to your ovaries. Additionally, the stress caused by negativity has been known to interrupt reproductive function, which may affect your periods, ovulation, fertilisation and/or implantation of the embryo.

Your negative thoughts, sadness, anger and stress are all understandable responses to either a miscarriage or the disappointment of a failed IVF cycle. How quickly you move through various feelings or thought processes to a state of readiness is unique to your circumstances and how you respond. You may feel conflicting emotions and be confused as to whether you are ready to try to conceive again. If so, you are a prime candidate for fertility coaching. A fertility coach can help you isolate your feelings about your miscarriage or IVF experience. This can help you prevent or reverse the spill-over into your abilities, body, medical treatment, relationship and future.

Are you both ready?

It isn’t unusual for two people in a relationship to have different ideas about whether they are ready to try to conceive again. On the one hand, the woman may (erroneously) believe that the previous attempt is her fault and feel the need to make up for it or prove herself. She may be itching to try immediately, in contrast to her partner’s more measured approach. Even if this self-blame is not present, she may feel there isn’t any time to waste. Only she can truly know how strong and physically healthy she feels, so her partner is reliant upon the information she provides.  A partner may be concerned about her health and want to ensure the safety of a subsequent attempt to conceive.  On the other hand, I have had female clients whose partners want to sweep it all under the rug and move forward as if nothing has happened. She may be unready; lacking in self-confidence and feeling unsupported.

Support when you need it

If you think your partner doesn't feel a part of things anymore because of all the attention you have needed, bring him back in.  A joint visit to your GP or gynaecologist could help clear up some confusing medical or health issues, inform you as to the possibilities still available to you or give you the green light after test results have been received. Make sure your partner knows that this is about both of you, and that you won't go ahead until you are both comfortable. If you are ready and he is hesitant, take positive steps to find out why and reassure him.

The best advice I can give any couple in this situation is to talk. Be open about how you feel, what the loss meant and how you want to proceed now. If either of you are unable to communicate effectively without someone teasing the words out of you, get someone to act as a facilitator. A good fertility coach will help the two of you say what you really think and feel; not imposing her own ideas or taking sides.

I C LW, do you?

Okay, so it's not the funniest joke around, but I tried. I think people find me too serious and earnest in my attempt to convey useful information and support to infertile people (and anyone else with fertility issues). I do have a funny side; you just might not recognize it immediately. I implore you to stick with me; as we get to know each other, you'll see that I am actually quite fun, albeit in a somewhat sarcastic way. It's too bad you can't see me trying to copy the song and dance moves of various celebs...it gets my kids spraying milk out their noses. Or hiding under the kitchen table in embarrassment.

Please leave a comment and tell me what you think of the blog, or a particular post. I really, honestly want the feedback. I'm writing for you, so you definitely should feel okay about having a say. If I don't like it, I'll just swallow hard and move on.

Now, on to more important matters (the serious bit). This past weekend, I took a stand at a health event which was put on by a respected charity in London. Last year, this event got me buzzing. I learned so much, met so many really knowledgeable and interesting people and came away with bucketloads of ideas about issues to address, articles to write and workshops to produce. While the event had more capacity than it filled with visitors, it seemed busy and full of energy. This year, the same charity, the same brief, the same quality of medical-expert speakers. The turn-out was dismal. There were people there with expertise and time to share it, but few to share it with. A huge disappointment for everyone involved, including the charity's employees. I know that it takes a lot to organize an event like this, but I know that it can be done better than this, because it was. Last year.

My question is this (whether you live near London, in the UK or anywhere in the world):  What would a women's health event (call it what you like...exhibition, conference, etc...) have to offer to get you there, in attendance, visiting seminars and stands, participating in workshops, etc? I think I could put a fantastic, large-scale event together that would be a destination for women in all stages of their fertility, from teenage to middle-age, but I need to confirm if I am on the same wave-length as the rest of you.

Please feel free to touch on any of the topics suggested below, and give me your wish list.

• location
• transportation links (car, train, bus, Tube, airplane)
• venue
• size of event
• well-known speakers
• large, corporate sponsors
• lectures
• workshops in which you can participate
• products on offer (sales)
• incentives (freebies, prizes, discount vouchers, etc.)
• consultations with doctors, counsellors, coaches, financial planners
• variety of health issues addressed
• men's health topics
• networking opportunities with like-minded visitors
• catering
• schedule of events
• 1-day, 2-day 
• weekday v. weekend or both, e.g. Friday and Saturday
• entry cost
• mini-events at optional, add-on cost
• private enterprise producing the event v. a charity

Please take a few minutes to pass on your ideas. Tell me about an event you attended that was great or that you hated and why. Who knows? You may find your opinions form the basis for a new, better, well-attended and exciting event, produced by me. My thought: if I can do it myself and make it successful, I will be able to support my favourite women's health charities out of the profits.

In the news

I've made it into Mum's the Boss - Herts Member News for September! Read on...

"Lisa from Your Great Life will be having a stand at the Know More 2010; The Essential Women's Health Event on Saturday 18th September at the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists, Regents Park.  In it's fifth year, the event offers the general public access to top Women's health experts and the ability to interact and ask questions of people who are at the forefront of Women's health. 

The more Women know about their own health, their own bodies and the Women only issues that they face, the more they can do about it.  For more information, please visit http://yourgreatlife.typepad.com/ "

Many thanks to Louisa Baker of Mums the Boss, Hertfordshire for that support. In her guise as owner of the fabulous internet shopping site Dynagirl, Louisa is also supporting the work that I do with to increase public awareness of fertility health issues by participating in my Goodie Bag and Raffle prizes this weekend at Wellbeing of Women's Know More event. Read more, in the previous post, below.

Out and about

I also attended the Athena Networking Lunch Meeting at Mill Hill today and was so pleased to be able to give the Networking Training portion of the meeting with 8 Top Tips for Maximising your Networking Opportunities.  Thank you to the Mill Hill group for having me there as a guest and for your interest in my presentation and in this weekend's event. It was a really lovely afternoon.

Visit the Healthy Woman 2010 - Know More event and talk to me there about support for your fertility health issues

On Saturday, the 18th of September, the charity Wellbeing of Women will present the Know More event, part of its Healthy Woman 2010 campaign. As a Friend of WoW, and a visitor to previous events, I know first-hand how valuable this day will be to the women (and/or men) who attend on the day.  The information provided in the 20+ seminars is from top-notch medical professionals from all over the U.K.  I can’t tell you how much I learned from the people on the stands at last year's event, the WoW Show, who were so generous with their time and information. That is why I am so excited that I will be present on the day, to meet you and listen to your fertility-related challenges and together, come up with a plan to provide you with the practical and emotional support you need.

To inform you and/or treat you even more, I will be raffling select products/services (see below) from my stand, to be chosen at the end of the day and giving away Goodie Bags to 200 lucky visitors. Please stop by to say hello and register* for FREE to win one of the great prizes!

*Register by providing your name and contact details. Free information , samples and raffle prizes have been provided by the following businesses:

Optimise your metabolism for a healthier, more beautiful you. Improve test results, digestion, vitality and weight. Contact: adrienne@healthy-active.com

Aloe vera products soothe and heal your body, inside and out. A gift voucher for products is on offer! Contact Ann Phillpot:  info@greatexpectationsteam.com

Empowering women's health with innovative mind + body programs for conception, IVF and pregnancy. Audio CDs available to purchase at the event. www.circlebloom.com

Serenity, Strength & Sparkle can be found in DYNAGIRL's candles, skincare, jewellery, makeup & bags. Treat yourself or register to win a gift voucher.  

Spire Bushey Hospital, a member of Spire Healthcare, has recently undergone a huge expansion of its diagnostic centre, adding to its already full range of medical services, including gynaecological services, cancer care, bariatric and cosmetic surgery and other consultancy and surgeries. Spire also generously hosts my monthly Miscarriage Support Group as a service to the community.

For more information about the event or any of the above sponsors of my stand, please phone me on 020 8954 2897 or 0777 909 1466. Otherwise, just drop by and say hello to arrange a private conversation. I look forward to meeting you there.

I expected to be judged, frowned upon for choosing single motherhood

Guest blogger: Emma, 41, single & mum to be. 2 attempts at IVF using donor sperm. Second cycle resulted in a BFP and am now 12 weeks pregnant.  

When I first started thinking of embarking on my path to single motherhood, I thought of every reason ‘not’ to do it rather than the reasons why I should.   I thought about my own relationship with my father which had been supportive & loving, I thought about how my Mother had been adopted & the curiosity I have had with not knowing who my grandparents were & where they came from. I thought about how unfair it would be to bring a child into this world without a father.  I mulled it over & over and in fact decided against it many times, deciding to wait for Mr Right to turn up & hope that we could live a ‘normal’ family life together, whatever that might be! 

As I turned 40, I realised that as there was no sign of Mr Right perhaps I should get on with things myself.  This coincided with several events, a friend of mine was being beaten up by her partner, and another friend’s husband had just left her with 5 month old twins. It made me realise that there was no ‘ideal’ situation. Someone who had ‘had it all’ 3 months ago was now on her own, struggling, furious, hurt and bringing up 2 small children."

I was also talking to a young girl who had been brought up by a man she believed was her father but had found out when he had tragically died that he was not.  I asked her if she thought about her ‘real dad’.  She said no and that she had considered the man who brought her up & loved her to be her ‘real dad’.  It really made me realise that it is the people who love and support you that are your family, not necessarily your genetic partner.  

In making my decision I chatted to friends and family. My Mum didn’t agree, “I wouldn’t do it if it was me”.  I asked her how she would feel now, widowed and with no children.  “Of course, I wouldn’t be without you & your brother.”  I told her that I didn’t want to be childless, and that if I were to have my own child I had to hurry u about it.  At 40 my ovaries were not about to wait for a perfect partner to show up.   I think her reaction was tied up to the fact that she was adopted.  Unfortunately she was never told as a child & it was too late when she had eventually tried to trace her Mother.  She had died some years before and taken the information about my grandfather to the grave. 

I explained that things would be different with my child, that it would never be a secret & that I would always be completely open with my child about their conception. Not only that but I would assist them in finding out about the sperm donor/ genetic father if that was a route they wanted to take.   Mum wasn’t sure but I told her it was something she needed to get her head around as it was going to happen.  I am happy to say my Mum has since been a tower of support and has very involved through out my 2 cycles of IVF.   

My brother, with whom I am very close, was supportive from the start.  He could see where I was coming from and has supported me throughout my IVF process.  He is now thrilled to be a uncle-to-be and signs his emails off as ‘Uncle D’.  

Now when it came to discussing it with my friends, I must admit I  expected someone along the line to put up some resistance, to tell me I was being selfish or to ask me what on earth I thought I was doing.  But no one did.  Everyone told me that I would make a great Mum and they all seemed to understand to my reasoning of why I was doing it, and everyone wished me the very best of luck.  

I had to have counselling as part of my IVF, I expected the counsellor to judge me and thought that I might have to really justify my actions to her.  She was really supportive & again said she understood why I was taking the route I was.   At my first appointment with the midwife, again I expected to be judged, frowned upon, but no, she was, like everyone else had been, incredibly supportive.  

So despite waiting for negative comments, half expecting them from everyone I told, I wasn’t really prepared for my first negative reaction!!   It came from my Aunt.  I had said nothing to her about the IVF, I was just ringing to tell her that I was pregnant. There were no words of congratulations.  “Don’t you think you’re too old? I mean, you’ll be 61 when your child’s 20. It’s going to be very hard work on your own. Have you thought about this?”  

I was more annoyed than upset.  Of course I have thought about it, I have thought about it for years.  Of course I know it will be hard work.  But I know it will be worth it. I will be a Mum. Something I have always wanted.  I’m not too cross at my Aunt, she is not likely to understand.  This is a woman who has had 4 abortions and has no living children of her own. She has obviously never had the desire to be a Mum as I do. She had at least one of those abortions while in a happily married relationship as she didn’t want her lifestyle to change.  I find it very hard to respect her because of her decision and don’t expect her to be able to respect mine.  We are very different.  

So at 12 weeks pregnant I now face the dilemma of whether to tell people how I got pregnant.  I don’t want it to be a big dirty secret and I don’t mind what people say about me but I would hate my child to be bullied about it in later years.   I went to the hairdressers yesterday, as I walked in I could see her eye up my belly.  As I sat down I told her I had some news, that I was pregnant.  “Oh my God, how exciting, I want all the details” she said.  Someone else washed my hair and I sat there thinking, what do I say? Do I tell her the truth? Or do I make up a story? I felt a bit panicked after my Aunt’s response.   As I sat in front of my hairdresser she said “Come on then, all the juicy details.”   So I told her, I told her the truth…because I am not ashamed of what I’ve done. And guess what, she was really understanding, supportive & excited for me!  

It’s made me come to the conclusion it’s not what other people think about you, it’s about how you feel yourself.  No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

ELEVEN year old girls on the Pill?

Tomorrow, I will post on the UK news item Number of 11-year-olds on pill soars, The Sunday Times, Page 1, August 1, 2010, but I am opening this up for discussion now. It begins: "More than 1,000 girls aged 11 and 12 have been prescribed the contraceptive pill by family doctors, a fivefold increase in the past decade." One of the most controversial assertions, I suspect, will be that "GPs may prescribe if they believe an underage girl is mature enough to have sex."

WHAT DO YOU THINK? Is a child of 11 ever mature enough to have sex? Is this situation, giving GPs the duty to maintain confidentiality of underage patients, setting up children to disregard their parents' values? A child of eleven would not be allowed to leave school without a parent's permission.

• Is it just about birth control; keeping the population of teenage, unwed mothers down?
• Are we now letting kids do whatever they want, regardless of the emotional and physical health risks posed by sexual activity at such a young age?
• Do you believe that a child of 11 is capable of making a mature decision about sex and giving valid consent?
• Who are these little girls having sex with... other 11-year olds or older boys/men who can take advantage of their vulnerability?
• Or, would you argue that an 11-year old, who is savvy enough to go to her GP behind her parents' back to ask for the Pill, is not vulnerable?
• Could this end up negating current laws on rape, for sexual activity with a minor?

Please leave comments. I will carry on tomorrow.

Infertility: Invitations not required

In my last blog post; ‘Nothing is absolute in the world of Infertility’ I talked about the IF community being inclusive, not exclusive.  I wondered if you (individually) would include, under the Infertile umbrella, a woman who has:

1. Miscarried repeatedly, so is not technically infertile because she is able to conceive. She still doesn't have the ability to carry a baby to term; to life. In or out?
2. Had an abortion previously, but now can't get pregnant. In or out?
3. History of recurrent miscarriages, birth of first child, secondary infertility and unsuccessful IVF, but then had a 2nd child, like me. In or out?
4. Has had successful fertility treatment and is now pregnant... In or out?
5. Is now a mother, having been able to have a child (or children) through assisted conception. In or out?
6. Is the wife or girlfriend of an infertile man who is trying to conceive? In or out?

I also told you that I make a practice of referring to women with recurrent miscarriages as Infertile, even though they do not fit the scientific definition.  Why? Because:

• These women also lack what infertile women do; their own baby.
• They feel many of the same emotions as infertile women, including, but not limited to confusion, anger, low self-esteem, fear, guilt, or self-loathing. 
• They encounter the same type of ignorance about their condition, such as “whose fault is it?", "it wasn't meant to be," I'm sure you will be lucky this time.", "just relax" or "you can always adopt."
• They feel isolated and sometimes even freakish, especially when around other pregnant women or mothers.
• They experience the same type of marital and financial stress that infertile couples do.

I assume that I would be accepted by the IF community because of my fertility history, even though I am a mother now.  But, perhaps you don’t. I am no longer trying to conceive. Do you think "she's had 2 children...she’s not one of us anymore, she's not a true Infertile?" I can tell you that infertility is a significant part of who I am.

I talk openly about my experiences in order to advocate awareness in young people about their bodies and bodily functions, how to achieve optimum health for conception early on and how to decide which path to follow. I advocate acceptance of yourself and of others.  Infertility has certainly played a large part inmy  work as a specialist fertility coach. It helps me to understand how deep my clients' emotions and belief systems go, necessary changes of beliefs, attitudes and behaviour in order to conceive and how else I can help them with their family-building. I don't generally like to label people, because it takes attention away from their individual needs. However, sometimes a label is useful, as long as you realize that the other person may not agree with your opinion about it, i.e. are you in or out?

I would really like to see your comments on the section above that asks "In or out?"