your great life

Are you proud of yourself?

With parents phoning me these past few months about art lessons for their children, I have noticed a worrying pattern. Quite a few of them have conveyed serious angst over their child's supposed inability to draw. Initially, my first question was whether the child wanted to come to art class. I no longer ask this of the parent. The same anxious parents also have a tendency to make an apologetic or otherwise negative comment to me, or to their child in front of me, about the artwork he or she has done in our first session. I have had a parent ask me conspiratorially; "how bad was it?" What child would want to put themselves in line for this kind of confidence-shattering review by their parent? No wonder the kid wouldn't draw at home!

I was reminded of this during the week, when I received a call from my daughter's art teacher. She was concerned because my husband had criticized a piece of work that our daughter is doing. She didn't refute the correctness of his observations about scale and proportion; merely, the delivery and its crushing effect on a 12-year old. Sure enough, my daughter had come home with a grumpy face and mumbled that "Daddy was horrible about [her] dolphin."

Like my husband, the parents of my art students are not awful, unloving people. They are achievement-oriented. Unfortunately, they have gotten in the habit of emphasizing the standard of the finished product over the joy and effort that went into creating it. They also hold their child's ability to an adult standard of perfection. I have witnessed the immediate dampening effect this has on a child's enthusiasm and self-esteem. Faces fall, pictures are shoved into the folder or left behind, accidentally on purpose and the joy of experimentation is replaced by the fear of doing something wrong. It's slightly heartbreaking.

Granted, the pictures are not always beautiful. Shapes are wobbly, colours are muddy, objects lack dimension and body parts don't necessarily connect in all the right places. But as the weeks go on, children learn to handle the materials, compose a pleasing picture and gain insight into proportion and perspective. It all comes in time. I find myself on a mission to reinforce the kids' self-esteem as much as their drawing and painting skills. Everyone discusses their artwork; what they plan to do, how it's going and whether it has come out the way they hoped it would. I make a point of asking:

• Are you happy with your work?
• What did you learn today?; and
• Did you have fun?

When they are finished, they sign and date their piece... a simple act that lets them "own" it and also creates a pictorial timeline, so they can go back and review how they are improving.

The weight of parental expectations can be very heavy. If your child lacks self-confidence, ask yourself whether your reaction to their efforts is supportive, positive and motivational. If they feel they can't please you, they may stop trying. If you can't find anything positive to say, a genuine smile and a hug will do the trick. Whether it's about a drawing, a homework assignment, the way they have handled a friendship issue or any challenge they take on, I prefer to take the emphasis off the adult's judgment. Ask the child; "Are you proud of yourself?"

A Biblical story of infertility is not so different from today

Yesterday was the beginning of the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashana; a day on which Jews all over the world begin an annual 10-day period of reflection and repentance. During the service I attended yesterday, the Haftarah reading was a selection from the Prophet Samuel:

A man from Ramataim, named Elkanah, had two wives; Hannah and Peninah. Peninah had children, but Hannah was childless. "The Eternal One had shut her womb." When Elkanah went to worship God, he offered a sacrifice, then offered portions to Peninah and her sons and daughters, but gave a special portion to Hannah, who he loved most.

Peninah would torment Hannah constantly, year after year, about being barren. Hannah would weep and not eat out of grief for the children she didn't have. Elkanah, her husband, would ask:

Why do you weep?

Why don't you eat?

Why are you so unhappy?

Am I not better to you than 10 sons?

Hannah prayed to God in bitter grief: "Take notice of my affliction. Keep me in your mind. Do not forget about me, your loyal maidservant. If you give me a son, I will dedicate him to You for life and no razor shall touch his head."

Hannah prayed silently, but her lips moved, and she was taken to be a drunk by the man at the temple. He told her to get a hold of herself. She explained, "I am a woman distressed in spirit. I have been pouring out my soul before the Eternal One, speaking of my abundant sorrow and torment." The man wished her well and she left to return home with her family.

Once home, Elkanah and Hannah made love and God remembered her. At the turn of the year, Hannah conceived and gave birth to a son, who she named Samuel.

My mind tends to drift a lot during long services like the one on Rosh Hashana, but this story had my full attention. While the language was a bit dated in the way that Biblical readings are, and multiple wives are no longer acceptable, the rest of the story could have been written about a couple today. Hannah felt unfulfilled and lonely without a child of her own, despite having a husband who loved her, a family structure around her and her faith. No amount of special treatment could make the difference to her. She could not understand why others had been blessed and she had not, especially when a spiteful, mean cow like Peninah had been granted the gift of motherhood. Hannah's grief overshadowed everything else in her life and threatened the intimacy and bond in her marriage.

It interested me too, that Elkanah is cast as a loving, but somewhat clueless sidekick, rather than an intuitive, understanding partner. He couldn't see that their marital relationship, while close and true, couldn't take away the deep yearning Hannah felt to mother a child. This may be because Hannah didn't open up to her husband about her feelings; she saved that for God. Hannah walked around, making her misery known by crying and refusing food and expecting Elkanah to read her mind. Surely, he should understand that she felt confused about why she hadn't been granted a child by the God she loyally worshipped, hurt and resentful that he had children with another woman, humiliated by the insensitivity and cruelty of the other woman, and unsupported by her partner.

What does all of this tell us?

• The urge to mother is primal.
• Relationships, good and bad, work in much the same way they always have. It just takes more honest communication to breach the gaps. Keeping ourselves to ourselves leaves our demeanor and actions open for interpretation by others.
• Sometimes, letting someone in on what you are going through brings understanding and support you need.
• It's always better to rise above, with personal strength and self-respect, than to lower ourselves to the level of a person lacking in generosity of spirit.
• When we have exhausted all our own resources in pursuing what we want, it's human nature to fall back on hope and faith. It keeps us going when we think all is lost.
• We have come a long way, with modern science and medicine giving us more options than simply prayer to help provide the family life we want to create, and for that we should be grateful.
• That sometimes miracles do happen, for which we have to supply our own explanations.

The team behind Fertility Road and the Fertility World Show launch Pink Parenting

Congratulations to Jeff Crockett and Giorgiou Severi on the upcoming publication of their new glossy magazine, Pink Parenting, next month and on Tuesday's feature in i, the mini-newspaper put out by the Independent.  If you don't know of them already, Jeff and Giorgiou are also the publishers of European glossy, Fertility Road, as well as the team behind the Fertility World Show which debuted in London this year.

Same-sex couples who are parenting have been in the public eye this year more than ever, as celebrities lead the way in talking about their new families, including Elton John and David Furnish, pop star Ricky Martin, and actresses Cynthia Nixon and Jane Lynch.  Meanwhile, behind the scenes, gay couples have been quietly creating families through sperm donation, surrogacy and adoption.  Under the Adoption and Children Act of 2002, same-sex couples have exactly the same right as heterosexual couples to adopt in England and Wales. In practice, however, it hasn't always been so straightforward for gay couples to find the help they needed to create their families of choice. Thankfully, this is now turning around, with research and polls suggesting that:

• same-sex parents can make better parents than a woman and man;
• children of gay parents are no more or less likely to be gay; and
• approximately 64% of people think that same-sex couples should be allowed to adopt.

I wish Jeff and Giorgiou every success in their new venture. As Giorgiou said about gay surrogacy and adoption in i, "the world is ready for it now.

Fertility World Show, NEC Birmingham, 22 - 23 October, 2011.

 

Sperm Donor Unknown on TV (UK) tonight

Sperm Donor Unknown is the fascinating story about how a group of children born via sperm donation found their biological father, and each other, through the Donor Sibling Registry Website. It airs tonight on More 4 at 10 p.m.  I've written here previously about Jeffrey Harrison and the 14 children he fathered in the 1980's as a way to supplement his income, in How many siblings do I have? For Donor 150's children, it's 14 and counting. The story of genetic connection isn't cut and dry; it involves real people and feelings, the exploration of identity, discovery and acceptance. This is what I will be watching tonight.

Making the choice to begin to feel better

Recently, I've been told by no less than 3 different people that they know someone who is suffering as a result of infertility or baby loss, but that the woman "won't talk to anyone about it." Apparently, each of these women has been living in turmoil for an extended period of time without either opening up to people in their private lives or seeking professional help. The question that hung in the air was why they seem to be choosing to prolong their suffering, rather than doing something about it. My answer? Simply, that it isn't always clear to us that we have a choice between feeling awful or feeling better.

When it hurts so much that you can't see straight - If everything seems too much to bear and you are unable to restore hopefulness, you can feel seriously lonely, despite what a partner, family or friends try to do to console and support you. Life can be thrown seriously out of balance when you let pain get such a strong foothold that there isn't room for anything or anyone else.  Negative emotions cause pain that can cloud your mind and interfere with your perspective and your ability to make decisions.

"I don't recognize myself!" - If you are finding it difficult to move forward during or after a painful episode of your life, it does not mean that you are weak.  The strongest person can be knocked off balance by a painful diagnosis of infertility or the loss of a baby they were already coming to know and love.  Sometimes it's the person with the most orderly, well-planned life, or the most confident, can-do attitude, who finds these situations the most difficult to overcome. It's an unequivocal reminder that there are things in life that are out of our control. It applies to everyone, and is nothing to be embarrassed about.

Letting the pain in, to get it out - Making the choice to begin to feel better usually entails acknowledging and experiencing the painful feelings first.  Compartmentalizing is a good technique when it comes to tasks, but doesn't work the same way when it comes to feelings. It may work for a little while to park your grief so you can "get on with things;" for example, shutting off thoughts of conception and pregnancy for the hours needed to fulfil your responsibilities at work. However, compartmentalizing too much can result in denial that there is anything wrong. This will just delay the experience of your anxieties and emotions. Likewise, if you have parked yourself in a place of anger, you may be delaying your acceptance and the healing and clarity that come with it. 

It can be really hard to move forward on your own - If you are asking "why don't I feel better yet?", "why can't I fix this?" or "why do I feel so helpless?", you will benefit from someone else's eyes and ears on the situation to bring a fresh perspective to it. If you find the word "should" cropping up, as in "I should be able to handle X on my own," chase it away. There are no rules; just do what works. If you recognize that you need a little help, don't let pride get in the way. In business, or with any team, it's considered a strength to be able to have the best people on board, so adopt that philosophy in your personal life as well.

Create healthy coping mechanisms - I teach my clients how to cope with anxiety, disappointment and grief by:

• identifying and "owning" their feelings and fears;
• finding a good outlet to express those feelings and fears, whether in a coaching session, with their partner or friend, or by writing them in a journal;
• allowing themselves space to feel positive feelings, even if only once a day at first;
• taking one step at at time to restore normal activities; and
• to visualize how they would like to feel at certain points in the future.

They tell me that learning these coping mechanisms make them feel supported, stronger and more in control.  They are able to recognize that not everything in their life is awful, even if they are going through a particularly awful time. They are able to see that alternative solutions exist that can bring them the family that they dream of creating. They are able to make the best decisions they can for themselves.

Seeking help -  It may seem scary to talk about your most personal thoughts, feelings, needs and desires, but the weight of bearing those thoughts and feelings all by yourself is scary too.  Finding the right person, building rapport, empathy and trust is important. Test the waters by talking about an aspect of your situation that isn't the most complex or painful. Then step away from it and consider whether you got an empathetic and helpful response. If so, go back for more.  It will become easier in time. It's worth the risk; In doing so, you are making a positive choice to begin to feel better.

This is what some of you said about my talk on the Telesummit!

I really enjoyed being a part of the Fertility Focus Telesummit and I'm touched by your response. Here are just a few of the messages I have received:

• "Lisa,Thank you so much for what you do. I'd love to get the worksheet.Warmly," L. 
• "[T]hank you so much for our talk and for your valuable information.  I actually listened to it twice, once by myself live and then again with my husband." MS
• "I really appreciated your talk. I would love to get your worksheet for creating a support network.Thanks so much for offering this." NS
• "I listened to your very interesting call today, thank you so much! Could you please send me your work sheet I think it is exactly what I need." PC
• "Thank you so much for sharing your insight at the Fertility Focus Telesummit - it was truly appreciated." CP
• "I found that you really "spoke" to me and it was very timely in my fertility journey." AR
• "I had a chance to listen to you on Telesummit. You are awesome! My goal is to find a friend (or maybe two) who I can talk to when I am ... down and vulnerable." SP
• "It was wonderful listening to you. Thank you." LF
• "Just listening to you doing such a great job on the Fertility Focus teleseminar - very proud of my former study buddy! [iI]'s a great idea to actually list my support network under the different categories." AS

 

If you, or someone else you know, could benefit from the other topics covered by the fertility experts listed below, get the word out to them quickly! To grab a free place on the remaining calls <--- click here.

• Using An Integrated Approach To Getting And Staying Pregnant - Dr Marilyn Glenville
• Using Acupuncture and Herbal Medicine to Increase Your IVF Results - Andrew Loosely
• How the 11 Pillars of Fertility Reveal the Secrets to Optimum Health and Fertility - Gabriela Rosa
• Aging Eggs: What You Can Do to Improve Your Chances of Conception - Zita West 
• Your Fertile Mindset: How To Prepare Yourself For Conception With EFT - Sarah Holland
• How Hypnotherapy Encourages Successful Conception -  Kristin Hayward
• Solving Your Fertility Puzzle - Sue Dumais
• Using Astrology To Optimize Your Chances Of Success In The Treatment Of Infertility - Nicola Smuts
• Finally Take Control by Charting Your Two Primary Fertility Signs - Toni Weschler
• Fertility At 40 Plus with the Law of Attraction - Deirdre Morris
• Eating to Optimize Fertility - Cindy Bailey

AND 3 Fabulous Bloggers:

• Katie from www.fromiftowhen.com;
• Elphaba (aka Runny Yolk) from www.eggsandsperm.com; and
• Heather from www. surviveandthrive.co.za

If you didn't manage to get on the first few calls, including my talk on Creating an Effective Support Network, Dr Genville, Andrew Loosely or Gabriela Rosa, you can still listen to the recordings!

By upgrading to a Golden Ticket for you can still get all 17 audio files full of information and advice about how to get what you need to maximize your chances of having the baby you want, emailed to you as an MP3 download after the Telesummit is over. That includes all 15 talks listed above, plus Sarah Holland's introductory and concluding sessions, to listen and refer back to at your leisure. This is an incredible value, for a total of $67, available while the Telesummit is still running this week. For more information and to upgrade your place on the Fertility Focus Telesummit <---- click here.

A Bonus for You as part of the Fertility Focus Telesummit

Welcome to Your Great Life, and especially today to those visiting from IComLeavWe.  I'm all set for presenting my session at the 2nd Fertility Focus Telesummit tomorrow. I have just listened to Sarah Holland, the founder and host of the Telesummit, present her introduction and it got me even more excited for the week's events.  As I shared with you in the blog above, I'm speaking to you on how "Creating an Effective Support Network Can Make All the Difference When Trying to Conceive."

In order to help you create the best support network to fulfil your unique needs, I have a Worksheet which is available FREE.  Email me at [email protected] (you can click through on the Email Icon to the right), quoting #FFTS2011 in the subject box and you will receive the worksheet by reply email.  Please feel free to include in your email any questions you have about my presentation at the Telesummit, or about fertility coaching.

If you haven't registered yet, you will want to do it right away. The presentations are live, each speaker will try to take questions and recordings are available for free for 24 hours after each presentation, or you can choose to upgrade to get all 17 audio files emailed to you after the Telesummit. 2,700 people have already signed up! Click here to register for the Fertility Focus Telesummit FREE.

The Fertility Focus Telesummit

It's nearly time for the 2nd Fertility Focus Telesummit, which will bring you 15 speakers on various aspects of fertility health and infertility support, over the course of a week.  Sarah Holland of Fertile Mindset created the Telesummit last year, which was a great success. I am really pleased to be speaking at this event, alongside other fertility experts from around the world, including Sarah; a specialist in EFT for fertility, author Toni Weschler, astrologer Nicola Smuts, pregnancy expert Zita West, nutritionist Dr Marilyn Glenville, naturopath Gabriela Rosa, hypnotherapist Kristin Hayward and others. It's free to listen, either by phone or by computer, every day, beginning on March 21st, so mark it in your diary now!  I will be explaining how, by creating an effective support network, you can make all the difference to your efforts to conceive the baby you want so much. Find out:

• Why a support network is so vital when trying to conceive.
• The 5 most important types of support you need.
• How getting support elsewhere can help save your marriage.
• Lining up the members of your "team".
• How to handle people who are unsupportive.

Click here or on the Fertility Focus Telesummit button to your right to find out more about the 15 speakers and grab your free place on the calls.

P.S. Please make sure to mark in your diary... I am speaking LIVE on Monday, March 21 at 1pm Pacific | 6pm Eastern | 10pm UK time

Tips for managing those holiday celebrations: How NOT to be a party animal or a sitting duck

The other day, I wrote about playing my "if I won the lottery" game to help you decide what you really want to do during the festive season. While many would choose the escape-for-two, I am guessing that some of you couldn't figure out how to extricate yourself from the usual celebrations and perhaps a few of you really didn't want to be left out. Our job then, is to make sure you get through this month with your sanity, your dignity and your relationships intact.

Here are my tips for managing holiday events if you're sticking close to home:

The invitations - If you are trying to conceive, and being careful about pretty much everything you eat, drink, inhale and talk about, probably the last thing you want to be around is other people overindulging. So choose wisely. Keep reminding yourself that you have choices. If you dread an event to the extent that the anticipation is making you ill, even if it's your parents' Christmas dinner, opt out. It's not worth being a dutiful daughter at the expense of your health. If it's not all that bad and you do choose to go, you can still control how you participate and how long you stay.

• The Family Do - Arrive at your parents' or sibling's home just a few minutes before the planned sit-down meal. Keep busy in the intervening time with kisses, hugs and a flurry of gift-giving. Eat well and with many compliments to the various cooks, with lots of smiles, and help to clear the table. Straight after, make an excuse about why you have to leave AND GO. Giving your excuse too much in advance gives people time to argue with it and probe your reasons.
• The In-Laws' Family Do - Exclaim with joy about their wonderful son, your partner, who is so romantic, so generous, so thoughtful and considerate to   plan an intimate and special Christmas just for two! You'll be by early on to exchange gifts  (before any alcohol is passed), then whisked back to your cosy place, or a boutique hotel, for the meal. They can't criticize their amazing boy, can they?
• The Office Party - Unless this takes place during working hours, just beg off sick at the last minute. Office Christmas parties are renowned for being strewn with awkward encounters with people you wouldn't choose to socialize with out of work and faux pas you don't want to face up to the following week (not necessarily your own). Give it a miss. More people will be gossiping about who did attend than worrying about who didn't.
• The Cocktail Party - Whether it's old friends or the neighbors, it's no fun when you are the only one not drinking. That, and the loose talk that comes with alcohol, should keep you well away. If you don't want to say that you are trying to conceive, and you also don't want to seem standoff-ish, try saying you have dinner reservations but you will stop off on the way for a quick drink, then make sure it's sparkling water. Leave at the time you planned, with a big smile and lots of cheer. Either that, or agree in advance to watch each other's backs all night long, rescue each other from unwanted conversations and keep filling your glass with the non-alcoholic stuff so you are never put in an awkward situation of having to explain.
• New Year's Eve - It used to be so much fun, but so is a rom-com on DVD, the  living room illuminated with candles and sparkly bits, followed by a gorgeous midnight breakfast a deux. No one has to be the designated driver and there will be no hangover the next day.

It's our turn to have everyone to us for Christmas! - Actually, that can be a good thing.  Just take protective measures. One way to maintain some control of what goes on around you, of course, is to be the host(ess). Invite who you want to see and manage their expectations, and hopefully, their behaviour, by the type of invitations you issue.

Ideas and protective measures:

• Making a change to Boxing Day, so it's more active and less sofa-bound, could be a great diversion from your TTC status. Ask everyone to meet you  mid-afternoon at a local ice-skating rink, then invite them back for hot chocolate and cookies. Don't offer dinner, and eventually they will go home to eat Christmas leftovers.
• Instead of having a New Year's Eve party, invite people to a New Year's Day brunch instead. Serve breakfast-y food with pre-made Mimosas and plain juice in champagne glasses and coffee to people who overindulged the night before. Don't worry if your friends are beer drinkers or like something harder. You are in charge in your home. They can do as they please when they get home to their well-stocked liquor cabinet.
• If you are having a sit-down meal, put place cards at the table, ensuring that you don't have to sit at the same end as the tactless Aunt who always asks when you are going to have children, the sister-in-law who has just announced she's pregnant or or the cousin who gushes about her darling princess. Not that you have anything against them; it can just be hard to be around when you are lacking those very things.
• Your secret weapon could be someone in whom you confide beforehand, who agrees to step in and divert conversation whenever there is even a whiff of trouble. 

You decide what to discuss and what to keep private - Whether you are out at someone else's party or hosting your own, it's your decision how much to reveal about your plans, your challenges and your disappointments.  So, it's well worth deciding beforehand what you will say and agreeing it with your partner. There is little else more uncomfortable than being backed into a corner and lost for words.

I call this the surprise attack, even though it may be unintentionally hurtful. Some people may sincerely want to show they care, are thinking of you and want to help. While you may want to shout "it's none of your _________ business!" or cry, those are the two acts that will bring you the most unwanted attention. Write down some of your most feared questions and comments, then come up with answers that are acceptable to you and will firmly discourage further discussion. This second part could take some time, but it's worthwhile to be ready and equipped to deal with the situation.

Be prepared with a few remarks like these:

• "You'll be one of the first to know when there's something to tell," or "We have agreed to keep it quiet for the moment." Neither of these statements gives anything away at all, yet, they aren't offensive. 
• If you do decide to give out some information, you can limit further conversation by saying "I'm superstitious, so I don't want to jinx anything by talking about it. I'm sure you understand."
• If you run into someone at a party who saw you at the gynaecologist's office or fertility clinic, quietly say "I know I can trust you to keep what you know confidential."
• If someone doesn't get the point behind your words or behaviour and pushes a little too hard, try saying "I would really like to have a good time here tonight, but that depends upon not having to think or talk about certain things. I'd be so grateful for a little distraction. What have you been up to lately?"

Whatever you do, don't martyr yourself to the holidays. They are there to be enjoyed. If all you can anticipate is pain,  short-term coaching is the ideal tool for resolving that anxiety and easing those relationships. The goal is to find a resolution that allows you to join in and have some fun.

 

Should I stay or should I go?

It's fair to say that the holidays can bring up some additional challenges for people who are trying to conceive, or who have experienced a pregnancy loss. However, some of that anticipated difficulty can be avoided. Now, please don't jump to any conclusions that I am pointing the finger at you and saying you are responsible for awkward moments, insensitive comments or exclusion that you may encounter! You may not be able to avoid a social occasion completely, or anticipate what someone else will say. However, you can take actions in at least a few ways that will maximize your feeling of control and minimize your emotional upset.

Plans - We are just one toe into December, so you have  a 4-week stretch of holiday celebrations and days off to plan. If you anticipate the usual celebrations giving you a bit of bother, do something about it, by planning ahead who you will see, what you will do and how you will protect yourself. I have heard many people sigh with resignation over being expected to do certain things with certain people at this time of year and having no choice. People may not like change, but nothing is written in stone. They will get over it. Keep reminding yourself that you always have choices.

Yes?  No? It really is up to you. Have you been invited to a holiday party you dread attending?  Are you worried about being able to abstain from alcohol while others are drinking?  Lots of women are brought up to smile and go along with what is best for everyone else, regardless of how much it pains them. It's called people-pleasing, and we all do it sometimes, but it shouldn't be entirely at your expense. This is the time to ask yourself what YOU really want. If you decide that partying isn't in your best interest, smile and firmly say "Thank you so much for the invitation, but we have made other plans this year."

Storytelling - We all tell ourselves a little story about why we have to do things a certain way. Then we act it out as closely to the storyline as we can, validating our expectations and feelings about them. Unfortunately, this doesn't account for personalities, secrets and sore spots. From your mother-in-law's perspective, this may be "her year" to have you and your  husband on Christmas and it may not occur to her that a family get-together will be hard for you. Your sister may think that as a new Auntie, you will want to be right there at her baby's first Christmas, not realizing that your heart is breaking. On these occasions, your own storytelling may include feelings of being different, excluded, lonely, lacking, conspicuous or jealous. Imagine how you will be acting out that story; if it's not a pretty picture, do something about it!

Options - It can be a huge relief to realize that you do actually have options and are entitled to pursue them.  NOT having to do something specific empowers you to decide what you will do. If the calendar was completely empty and you had several days off, what would you do with them? 

How do you decide what is a viable alternative to what's already on offer? One of my favourite ways is to play the "if I won some money in the lottery, what would I do for Christmas?" game. The way this works is that it allows both of you to fantasize about your ideal break, without constraints, since no one would blame you for taking your dream holiday just this once. Once you have decided what that would be, you can make it happen in real life, even though it won't be funded by the lottery. Maybe you will decide to move your February break to December and completely opt out of the festive season, but it does 't necessarily have to be an all-or-nothing proposition. Perhaps you stay around home for Christmas Day, but plan a weekend break that will help you avoid a particular party. A Christmas gift of a Spa and Detox Day for Two, or special theatre tickets could come in handy.

If you won some money, would you put it into an extra special Christmas dinner with luxurious food and gifts for your extended family? If so, then staying put and participating in family festivities may be where you should be. The trick is to then manage the day(s) so that you get the most out of it, and avoid any unnecessary pain. More on that later.

If you decided to put your hypothetical winnings into an escape for two, far from the pressures and confrontations that a family get-together might create, prepare yourself for the reactions you may get. It may cause some awkwardness. Someone may have hurt feelings temporarily. You may miss certain people and be missed. However, if peoples' noses are out of joint over your decision, ask whether it is about their own inflexibility, their lack of independence or some other personal agenda on their part. Then balance their needs against yours on this particular occasion.  We aren't talking about permanent change; just one holiday.

Selfish? You may be wondering if it's selfish to want to do your own thing around holiday time. We are bombarded with messages of togetherness, gift-giving and cheer. However, if you think about what we truly wish for each other, it's usually happiness and good health for the coming year. If you are not in a state to enjoy festivities, then the excess food and drink, the crush of Christmas shopping, the late nights and intrusive questions,  certainly aren't going to be good for your happiness or health. Just remember that, unless you actually tell everyone you are trying to conceive or just had an unsuccessful IVF cycle, not everyone will know why you don't feel like joining in. If you want your privacy, you may have to put up with people drawing their own conclusions. I like the idea of a note saying; "We hope you will understand that we feel we aren't up to a get-together at the moment.  Thank you for thinking of us." That's not selfish. That's smart.

Here are my top tips for deciding "Should I stay or should I go?"

1. Agree with your partner that your first loyalty is to each other;
2. Make a list of your priorities (ex. relaxation, fun, family time, nurturing, supporting other people, contribution to the community, spirituality, health and wellbeing, privacy) so you can tick most of those boxes;
3. Each write down what it would feel like to be away on your dream holiday for Christmas and contrast that to how you anticipate you will feel at a family get-together, taking into account who will be there, past holidays and your current situation;
4. Balance someone else's temporary reaction against how you feel, remembering that if you are trying to conceive, or grieving the loss of a pregnancy, you must put your needs first;
5. Decide what you would like to do and then give yourself permission to do it. This does not mean asking permission of the whole family, as you will only confuse the issue with the varying opinions;
6. Follow through. Once the decision is made, book your plans before discussing it with the family/friends/office. 
7. Decide which one of you will let the various important people in your life know what you are doing and what you will say.  We often have difficulty saying "I want" or "I need" with conviction. While it's preferable in the long run to stand up for yourself and voice your own desires and needs, if this is your first time swimming against the tide, it may be easier if you and your partner announce your plans to each other's family.  You could say that the time away is your Christmas gift to each other, or that you believe that your partner really needs a break. Getting involved in deep discussion about why you don't want to be at the family get-together is unnecessary, could get emotional and may result in you bending to pressure or guilt.
8. Make alternate plans with family and friends to show you care. If the big get-together seemed overwhelming, try inviting just a few people over for cake and coffee, or have a gift-exchange with a girlfriend over lunch instead of spending a whole afternoon with her adorable children;
9. Enjoy yourself. After all, that's what this is all about. If you spend your time feeling guilty, you defeat the purpose.

 Watch for my next post for tips on how to manage the holiday celebrations you can't avoid.