your great life

Are you proud of yourself?

With parents phoning me these past few months about art lessons for their children, I have noticed a worrying pattern. Quite a few of them have conveyed serious angst over their child's supposed inability to draw. Initially, my first question was whether the child wanted to come to art class. I no longer ask this of the parent. The same anxious parents also have a tendency to make an apologetic or otherwise negative comment to me, or to their child in front of me, about the artwork he or she has done in our first session. I have had a parent ask me conspiratorially; "how bad was it?" What child would want to put themselves in line for this kind of confidence-shattering review by their parent? No wonder the kid wouldn't draw at home!

I was reminded of this during the week, when I received a call from my daughter's art teacher. She was concerned because my husband had criticized a piece of work that our daughter is doing. She didn't refute the correctness of his observations about scale and proportion; merely, the delivery and its crushing effect on a 12-year old. Sure enough, my daughter had come home with a grumpy face and mumbled that "Daddy was horrible about [her] dolphin."

Like my husband, the parents of my art students are not awful, unloving people. They are achievement-oriented. Unfortunately, they have gotten in the habit of emphasizing the standard of the finished product over the joy and effort that went into creating it. They also hold their child's ability to an adult standard of perfection. I have witnessed the immediate dampening effect this has on a child's enthusiasm and self-esteem. Faces fall, pictures are shoved into the folder or left behind, accidentally on purpose and the joy of experimentation is replaced by the fear of doing something wrong. It's slightly heartbreaking.

Granted, the pictures are not always beautiful. Shapes are wobbly, colours are muddy, objects lack dimension and body parts don't necessarily connect in all the right places. But as the weeks go on, children learn to handle the materials, compose a pleasing picture and gain insight into proportion and perspective. It all comes in time. I find myself on a mission to reinforce the kids' self-esteem as much as their drawing and painting skills. Everyone discusses their artwork; what they plan to do, how it's going and whether it has come out the way they hoped it would. I make a point of asking:

• Are you happy with your work?
• What did you learn today?; and
• Did you have fun?

When they are finished, they sign and date their piece... a simple act that lets them "own" it and also creates a pictorial timeline, so they can go back and review how they are improving.

The weight of parental expectations can be very heavy. If your child lacks self-confidence, ask yourself whether your reaction to their efforts is supportive, positive and motivational. If they feel they can't please you, they may stop trying. If you can't find anything positive to say, a genuine smile and a hug will do the trick. Whether it's about a drawing, a homework assignment, the way they have handled a friendship issue or any challenge they take on, I prefer to take the emphasis off the adult's judgment. Ask the child; "Are you proud of yourself?"

Life lessons

Have you ever felt that you just don’t know what to do next?  Does it seem that what you are doing isn’t working as well as it could be? We all get in a rut sometimes… it’s a mental space where nothing seems to be shifting, in one particular area of your life or in just about everything.   This can apply to your work, your social life, your family-building plans or your creative output. The worst part is that if you can’t see your way forward, you can’t take action.

Yesterday, at my monthly business networking group, I quite unexpectedly took away some great lessons that can improve how I work and live.  Some came from a 10 minute training session on time management, but I also picked up some points merely from listening to some of the other women talk about what they are doing for themselves. This got me thinking.  Wherever you go, there are opportunities to learn. So, if you find any part of your life stuck in one place, I have a few tips that can help you step out of that space and see the possibilities:

• Get out and about – A good way to generate new ideas is to increase your contact with stimulating people. If lethargy is part of your problem, it’s even more important to break free of any isolating routine you have adopted. 
• Pay attention to what others are saying and doing – Even if someone else’s attitude or activity has nothing to do with your concerns, you can learn lessons from how they are getting what they want out of life.  
• Emulate someone who has what you want – If someone else seems really together and successful, do what she does.  You could even ask her how to get started. People are usually flattered when you notice their achievements, and consequently happy to help you. 
• Prioritize short-term tasks – Instead of trying to climb a mountain, knock off a few of the nearby hills. The satisfaction you feel will spur you on to bigger and better things.
• Borrow energy – Spending time with people who energize, rather than drain you, is key to keeping your spirit up and your focus keen.
• Give yourself credit – It feels great to be able to acknowledge to yourself and others that you are moving forward. Remember to celebrate your successes and reward your efforts.
• Build on your success – Once you feel that you have moved out of your rut, it’s important to keep up your new habits.  With each achievement, you should feel empowered to look further into the future, take bigger

How I'm getting on with my New Year's resolution, 2 weeks on

You may remember that a few weeks ago I gave you my top ten tips for success with your New Year's resolutions. Just in case you're wondering whether I applied that advice to my own life, I'm going to share with you how I'm getting on with one of my own resolution: weight loss. Over the past several years, I've gained and lost weight, but to be honest, during the past year all I've done is gain. I became really unhappy with the way I look and decided enough was enough. So; my number one resolution for 2011 is to shift some of that weight. I won't say how much, but let's just say I'll be on a diet for the next few months in order to lose the excess weight healthily and permanently.

Just to review for you, my tips (condensed here) were:

1. Start on your resolution a.s.a.p.;
2. Be as specific as possible;
3. Be as positive as possible;
4. Make your goal manageable;
5. Write your goal and revisit it daily;
6. Plan ahead;
7. Gather support;
8. Build in rewards;
9. If you slip, pick yourself right back up; and
10. Celebrate your success.

This is how I'm doing. I got stuck in a.s.a.p., just as I suggested in tip #1.  On January 3rd, fully disgusted with my post-Christmas body, I decided I had to begin a diet immediately! I couldn't wait another day to ask my friends what to do, buy a new book from the latest diet guru or attend a weight loss group. So, I decided on that morning to ban cookies, cake, cheese and alcohol and say no to second helpings at meals.

By the morning of the 5th, I felt like I was still in shock and knew I needed more structure if I wasn't to fail. To avoid procrastination, I went online and subscribed to WW Pro Points. I skipped the "science" and went straight to the tracker. By filling out my current weight and my goal, I fulfilled #2 and #5 on my list: being specific, writing out and re-visiting my written goal on a daily basis. By filling out the points tracker, which keeps track of what I am eating and its value on the WW plan, I fulfilled # 4 and #6, making the action plan manageable and planning ahead each meal, each day. The computer's in the kitchen, so I really have no excuses...it's a no-brainer.

You may notice that I have skipped #3, which is to make the goal a positive one. In my case, that is "I weigh XXX pounds as of ____ date. :)" Not, "I have to lose XX pounds. :(" But positive is an attitude and I'm afraid that during these past two weeks, my attitude has been less than positive on more than a few occasions. I have felt deprived. I have felt obsessed. I have felt fed up (no pun intended). Frankly, I have to look frequently at my post-it note with my positive goal written on it. I visualize myself at the goal weight, wearing something 3 sizes smaller that isn't designed to cover up bulges and bits.

Now that I have admitted my own frailty, I can move on to tip #7. Gathering support is one of the most important tools you can have in your kit.  My first move was to explain my goal to my husband and children and ask for their support. The children will have to get used to not having crisps and cakes in the house. My husband has agreed not to offer me second helpings. I am a hungry girl with an appetite that can match his most of the time. He gets up for seconds and invariably I say "oh, yes, go ahead, please." No more. I have also asked friends for support by going with me for weekly walks. Two have agreed. Planned ahead, these walks are good exercise, but also give me an opportunity to get empathy and recipes! My proviso to you...don't just expect support, be proactive and ask for it in exactly the form you need it. 

Rewards are essential, as per tip #8. I've decided to weigh myself only once a week, on the day assigned to me by my online weight tracker. I lost 2 pounds in Week One. It wasn't the 3 or 4 pounds I'd hoped to lose, and it doesn't show at all, so I will admit to some disappointment. However, not willing to let this get in my way, I rewarded myself with a bunch of tulips. The trick is not to reward myself with food, which is how I got to where I am now. I love colourful, fresh flowers on my desk, so it's the obvious choice for the weekly weight loss for me. I have in mind some new clothes and a spa day for the bigger milestones (20 lbs.) Think about how you would like to reward yourself for different levels of achievement in your New Year's resolutions.

So far, I haven't slipped off track, but if I did, I know that the trick for success is tip #9: to pick myself right back up and move forward. One portion of chips or dessert may slow down a week's weight loss, but shouldn't de-rail the entire plan. If I know we have a meal coming up which is less controllable because it's at a restaurant or someone else's house, I can save up points for a couple of days and use them on the night. Likewise, if I had too much bread or butter, or indulged a craving for chocolate one day, I could cut back on the extra points on the days following. The point is to not be defeatist and think "I'll NEVER succeed." You can, and you will, if you treat it as a blip that can be corrected and minimize the damage done.

Finally, tip #10 is to celebrate your success. I will have no problem doing that. I have big plans for when I finally achieve my total weight loss. I can see myself now, smiling, healthier, slimmer... 

Whatever your goals for 2011, you can use the same tips to help you structure your actions and achieve success.

Where will you go from here and how will you get there?

Do you feel exhausted by your attempts to conceive this past year? I wouldn't blame you. If you are on the side of the world where December is the darkest month in the calendar, or even worse, you live in a place where the sun forgot to shine this week at all (yes, you Londoners!), you may feel just a bit hopeless. If you spent a substantial amount of time during the Thanksgiving to Boxing Day month in close proximity to women who are pregnant, or who have recently become mothers, you may feel more than a bit discouraged by your personal lack of success in that area. Or frustrated, fed up, resentful or downright furious. The big question is where are you going to go from here?

January is a great month to re-assess your position. It may be the cliche of out with the old, in with the new, but hey, if it works then why not follow it?  I'll be writing more about this during the next few weeks, including a new coaching programme that will help you solidify your intentions, streamline your actions and recognize shifts as soon as they show up in your life.

What I do want to get across to you today, is that what worked for you last year may not be what is working for you now, or what will work for you in the next 12 months. Why? Because we are always evolving; not static. You are a year older, your body may either be more or less fit, fertility treatment and/or miscarriage may have taken its toll, you may be recovering from positive surgery to clean up endometriosis or from an unexpected diagnosis, your stress level may have changed, your financial situation may have changed, and more. When creating your plan for 2011, it's essential that you do a physical and emotional audit, so that you and your partner, and even your doctor, have your eyes wide open to how you feel right now.

Instead of looking at your infertility as one long haul, it can only help to stop and assess where you are now and whether any changes need to be made. The answer may be that you are satisfied with the way things are, and you can continue on with confidence. However, if your exploration of the way you are going about life brings up questions about what can be done differently, or better, for a more effective outcome, we can work out some of those issues together. 

It would be great if you could begin jotting down notes now, as thoughts occur to you. Then, you will be ready to work with me as I introduce each step of the process in the coming weeks.  Ease yourself in gently, so you don't feel like it's hard work or get overwhelmed. My favourite first purchase every year is a new journal. I love starting fresh with the clean pages, whether I am using an old-fashioned black-and-white speckled Composition Book or a pretty and cheerful, designer journal. Just make sure it is big enough that you can use it for several months, or buy more than one, so you can continue on.

Watch for more news on the launch of this new programme.

 

 

 

In a nutshell; 10 tips for achieving this year's resolutions next year

Last week, I wrote in A New Year State of Mind about why this time of year is the perfect time to start with new, fresh goals, or to re-fresh those that you didn't achieve in the past 12 months. What's that I hear? Groan, moan, whine, complain.... Oh, I do know how it feels. After a week of too much shopping, cooking, cleaning, eating and no need for a wake-up alarm in the mornings, I feel like my bottom has been welded to a sofa cushion and my brain has been stuffed with it's down. How in the world am I going to muster enough motivation to start anything new, let alone my annual assessment of my less-than-optimum weight and fitness?

In order to help clear out the cobwebs and focus on something more substantive than what is on TV tonight, I have a short-hand version of the main points of that earlier blog post. Once you get going, you may want to re-fuel every once in a while by dipping into either post as the need arises.

Why your New Year's resolutions may not have succeeded in the past:

1.     Too big, too general or too negative;

2.     You didn’t build in any support

3.     It took too long to see any rewards for your hard work.

My Top Ten Tips for making New Year’s Resolutions for 2011 a Success:

1.     Start as soon into 2011 as you can. New Year’s Day and January represent a new beginning, making it the perfect time to start fresh with a goal you have been putting off.

2.     Get as specific as you possibly can.  Make sure that you have some way of measuring your success, so you will know when you have achieved it. You don’t just want a new job, you want that job;

3.     Make the goal positive. Instead of “I have to lose 50 pounds,” make it “As of the 31^st December, 2011 I will weigh X pounds (50 less than when I began).”

4.     Make the goal manageable. Let’s say you want to run the next London Marathon, but have never run a race before.  You could easily become discouraged with such a huge goal. Instead, start with the goal of doing a charity fun run, then make a new goal to run a 5K race and eventually, work your way up to your ultimate goal: the Marathon.

5.     Write down your goal and revisit it every day as a constant reminder, including the actions you will take to achieve it, why it’s important to you and how you will reward yourself when you get there.

6.     Plan ahead. What will you need to help you achieve your goal? Use the next few weeks to line up all things you need, whether it’s time off from work, setting aside some money, buying exercise clothes, etc.

7.     Gather support.  Tell as many people what you are doing as is appropriate. Who wants you to succeed? Who is willing to help, whether it is just to listen, provide motivation or work alongside you?

8.     Build in rewards. Incentives keep your motivation fresh. They should be tangible, planned ahead, something you award yourself and something not counter-productive to your goal. So, instead of rewarding yourself with a big chocolate bar for losing 10 pounds, try a massage or a new pair of jeans instead.

9.     If you slip, pick yourself back up.  Don’t waste time on self-blame. Instead of letting a slip spell total disaster, forgive yourself and move forward as quickly as possible.

10.  Celebrate your success. So that it feels like a real achievement, make sure there is some celebration of your positive result. Then, next year, you will have something to draw on as motivation for your next New Year’s Resolutions.

 

A New Year state of mind

I’ve been humming the tune to Billy Joel’s ‘New York State of Mind’ this afternoon and didn’t really wonder why, until I sat down to write.  Apparently, one side of my brain was quicker than the other, because as soon as I started writing this post, this title magically appeared on my screen.  It’s true, that I have been a little anxious lately and have occasionally thought “I’ll clear it up after the Christmas holiday.”  I tend to over-think things, twisting them this way and that in my mind until I have pinned down their pros and cons.  Thankfully, my coach training has given me the tools to recognize when I am in that space, to step back and assign the troublesome issue a value and decide where to go with it from there.  Still, when it comes to December, whether it was largely a great, good or disappointing year, I want to push on to January and my New Year state of mind.  I know I am not the only one.

Many of us use the last few weeks of December to do an inventory of what we have achieved, what we have put on a high shelf and what we have not managed successfully during the past year.  It’s a mental review that sets the stage for how we approach the New Year.  I have become quite practiced at reviewing the ups and downs, setting the stage for new goals.  However, I have a long memory and know that in other years I did not use the end-of-year review in a positive way. I fretted about the weight I hadn’t lost, the financial goals that were not met and the friendship that wasn’t repaired, and for a few difficult years, the baby I didn’t have.  No matter how many goals appeared in the Success column, I beat myself up for the ones that glared at me from the Failure column. Does that sound at all like you?

If this is a familiar scenario to you, carry on.  First of all, reframe the failures as “actions that didn’t work,” or “missed opportunities to take action.”  Don’t let Failure settle over you like a heavy blanket.  It’s been said: There are no failures, only unexpected results. Second, do a spreadsheet: Take large (A4 or A5) pieces of paper and make 6 vertical columns from left to right and one header line across the top from one side to the other. At the top, label each of the 6 columns with these headings: Issue, How the Issue Affects You, Desired Resolution,  What Action(s) You Took, Why the Actions Worked or Didn’t Work and Where it Stands Right Now. Then, in the left column begin writing and carry through each issue, then draw a horizontal line under your writing and repeat from left to right until the pages are full. Be honest with yourself and assign responsibility, rather than blame, for those issues that haven’t been resolved.

I have heard many people bemoan what they didn’t accomplish this year, using the nearly-universal excuse of the recession to justify it. I'll put my hand up here too. So, the tatty chair I haven’t recovered, because I got used to seeing it tatty, rips and all, is really due to the recession.  The reason I am not as fit as I should be isn’t down to laziness, it’s down to the recession: I can’t justify the annual membership to the health club (even though walking is free).  The reason I ... well, you get the point. 

Blame is unproductive. If you aim it at yourself, you are wasting time and energy that could have been used to achieve your goal.  If it is aimed at someone else, it temporarily diverts attention away from you, but won’t actually change the outcome.

I've got two examples here of people struggling with resolutions that haven't worked in the past, but which, if tweaked a bit, could succeed this year.

Ex.  Issue – Melanie has a cluttered, messy house.

How the issue affects Mel: 

1. She often can’t find things (receipts, To-Do Lists, mobile phone, glasses, etc...),
2. Her husband nags her to tidy up and
3. She feels embarrassed, guilty and resentful.

Her desired resolution is a neater house, fewer possessions and less friction between her and her husband.

The actions she took included the purging of 6 bags of magazines, old letters and other papers, the purchase of a shoe rack for her front hall and donating bundles of old clothes, books, toys and videos to charity. 

The reason the actions didn’t work is that they weren’t repeated consistently throughout the year, allowing excess to build up again. 

Where it stands now is that the house is cluttered, her husband is still unhappy with it and the problem needs to be carried over to 2011. 

So, New Year, new you? To ensure that this year isn’t a repeat of the last, some changes may have to be made. One reason a lot of New Year’s Resolutions don’t work is that they are too big and free-form, making them overwhelming. Also, in order to find enough motivation to follow through on a resolution, you must have a reason.  Part of Melanie’s difficulty is that she doesn’t place as high a value on neatness as her husband does.  For that reason, she has to find her motivation in the relationship and self-esteem issues that the clutter causes.

Goal: For Melanie to create and maintain a neat, uncluttered house by 1^st December 2011.

Actions: Take an inventory of every room in the house, then go through the lists and highlight everything that she and her husband don’t like, need or ever use.  Decide how to get rid of those objects: including sale, swap or donate. Then, determine how and when to do that.  If she starts this process on her own, by boxing and bagging some of the items, she may feel her husband’s stress over the clutter ease up.

Obstacles: Once Melanie begins to go through her possessions, she may run into the old problem of not being able to let go of them. 

Support: She could ask for help from someone with no emotional attachment to her possessions.

Motivation: A house she is proud to show.

Motivation: tangible rewards she sets herself. Since Melanie cannot control or count on her husband’s satisfaction or praise, she must set some rewards for achievement.

Rewards: Weekly - Fresh flowers. Monthly - Having friends over for lunch. End of year – A new rug or piece of furniture for the house.

Another example is “Phil,”

The issue is that Phil is increasingly stressed.

The issue affects Phil through poor time management, overworked, late nights, poor eating habits, a sedentary lifestyle and unsettled sleep

The desired resolution is a better life/work balance, wants to feel better and begin a relationship

The action(s) Phil took were going to the pub with the guys from work more frequently, to be more sociable and help him unwind.

The actions didn’t work because Phil’s efforts were lackadaisical and sometimes, at cross-purposes. The pub became very same-y, there were few women there, he gained weight from drinking and his time management is no better. 

Where it stands right now - Phil is in the same place he was when he started.

Why didn’t Phil’s resolution work last year? He didn’t really believe he needed to make the changes, therefore he wasn’t committed. Also, he didn’t build in any support to help him get through the tough times. What is different this year? He is a year older, a little lonelier, less fit and unfulfilled. His need is greater, therefore he has more motivation and commitment.

Phil’s 2011 New Year’s Resolution can succeed with this new plan.

Goal: Phil has reduced his stress substantially and achieved better work/life balance by 30^th April, 2011.

Measurement: (How will he know his stress is reduced?) He will have more stamina, focus and concentration at work, feel more relaxed outside of work, be consistently getting more sleep and is back to his normal weight.

Actions: Plan 15 minutes relaxation/leisure activity for every hour that he works, including an exercise plan, stop working on the computer at least 2 hours before bedtime and write in a journal.  These actions must be repeated frequently enough to imprint them as habit.

Obstacles:

• External - His boss is used to him staying at work late, so expects that now.
• Internal: Denial of the lasting health repercussions of his lifestyle.

Motivation: Phil wants to meet a woman, get married and start a family, incentive enough to make some positive changes and stick to them.

Support: In January, he will consult a nutritionist and a personal trainer to construct healthy plans for him and supervise him for the first 4 weeks.  In February, he will find a friend to exercise with him so that he is motivated to go to the health club. 

Action: Leave work 10 minutes earlier every day, so that gradually Phil finds himself leaving at a more acceptable hour and his boss becomes used to the new schedule.

Action: Go to the GP for a health check (weight, blood pressure, heart) and to the Health Club for a fitness assessment.

Reward:  Go for a meal/drink with a friend once a week, after a session at the gym.

Reward: Once goals have been achieved in April, get a membership in e-harmony dating website.

This formula can be used successfully for any goal; however, the goal itself has to mean something to you, to ensure your commitment. It’s not enough for someone else to tell you that you need to lose weight, tidy your house or get more fit. The other essential element is that you need to believe that you can succeed. A lack of confidence in your own efforts will kill off any resolution. So, do a little work in December, approach January with a positive mindset and keep re-visiting your plan. This year’s non-starters are sure to be next year’s successes.