your great life

December already?

Today is the 1st of December, which is hard to believe, as we have only really had one hat-and-gloves day so far. Nevertheless, the calendar doesn't lie and it signals me that I have to get organized... for menu planning and gift shopping for the holidays, for the kids' break from school (one of mine is off for 24 days!), for my art workshops, and to start the new year off right. In case you are coming up with a blank in any of these areas, these are some of my ideas:

1. Calendars/Diaries - I need 2 of these every year; 1 for my desk and 1 for my handbag. For the desk version, I have bought the same one for the past 5 years, during my August visit to NJ, at Barnes & Noble: Pam Socolow's Family Facts. It's a plastic covered ring binder with week at a glance, address book, helpful pages of lists like car pool, activities, quick contacts and places we like, and a few pages of stickers for things like appointments and birthdays. Ifyou can find it for 2012, it's great. Unfortunately, this year I was let down, as B&N didn't have it in stock when I was in the States. So, I've been searching for a similar system to replace it. I think I may have found it here:

For handbags, I'm still pleased with my brown, faux snakeskin Filofax pocket organiser, received as a Christmas gift last year from my M-I-L, so I will be ordering the 2012 insert. It packs a punch, at only 11.5 X 14.5 cm (4 1/4 X 5 3/4 inches), but with surprisingly large spaces on its week-at-a-glance pages, address book, International information (metric to US equivalents and Fahrenheit to Celsius!) and even a tiny ruler.

This Ultra-Violet one comes gift-wrapped with a mini-pen for £30.

I'm all for combining gift buying with charitable giving, where possible. So, if you know anyone who would be thrilled to have a bright pink diary, consider this one that benefits the Breast Cancer Campaign, a registered charity in England and Wales (no. 299758). For every organiser sold, Filofax will donate £2.20 to Breast Cancer Campaign.

2. Experiences - It seems to me as if gifts are getting more impersonal all the time. I'm not sure if this is for convenience or if they think it's truly better to let someone choose their own gift. I think it's a bit of a shame to oversaturate kids with Am.azo.n and i.tunes giftcards... surely their delight wanes after opening the first few? If you must, why not choose a gift voucher with a difference? For families e, I like the idea of giving them a more active sort of experience: consider buying them gift vouchers for indoor skiing, ice-skating, an indoor waterpark (there's one called Gulliver's SplashZone in Milton Keynes) and climbing walls, or signing them up for a holiday art course (I happen to be running several, each based on a different artist). For adults e, you can buy a driving experience at Brands Hatch racetrack, or a spa voucher. (I know which one I'd rather receive!)

3. Pamper and refresh - If your budget doesn't stretch to a whole day, but you want to give your girlfriend, mother or other woman in your life a luxuriously renewing, individual spa treatment, there are many wonderful practitioners around who offer gift vouchers e. If you happen to live in my area of North London/Harrow/SouthHerts, I recommend Teresa Maybury for superb, expert facials using Dr Belter products, in her private and calming space in Rayners Lane, and Julia Jenkins in Croxley Green for massage; especially her Lava Shells treatments.

4. For women on the go, there may possibly be no better gift e than these 2 items I found on the Dynagirl website: e Fizpouch, an organiser for cellphone, makeup and glasses that can be moved from handbag to handbag (briefcase, student book bag or whatever. I like this one in metallic bronze but it also comes in red, black, brown, pink and cream. And e their own-brand SupaSoles; foldable ballet flats that are a lifesaver for anyone who goes out in heels, but limps home in pain.

5. Jewellery she won't have seen in the shops, from American company Stella & Dot, now in the UK

6. Thinking outside the box - Got a really challenging person to shop for? Sometimes the most clever gifts don't come in a box ! How about...

e a winter-readiness car service,

e a special photograph of the family,

e a course of life coaching sessions to reveal and achieve new possibilities, or breakthrough coaching to eliminate self-imposed barriers to personal success.

e a personal stylist to refresh their wardrobe,

e cosmetic dentisty to bring some sparkle to their smile,

e a party planner to take stress off the menu at their wedding or other celebration

e a step-up toward Britain's Got Talent or XFactor with singing, drama and dancing lessons,

e makeup lessons by a Mary Kay Professional Beauty Consultant; or even

e a year's membership in a networking organisation to jump-start or revitalize their business; and finally

e for the person who already has everything they want; a donation in their name to charity, especially one that provides for others at Christmas and throughout the year.

7. My personal favourites, received in the past few years , which are neither flash nor expensive, have been a Family GiftCard from Vue Cinemas and a magazine subscription to Psychologies. There's a special deal going for a year's subscription for £22.99. Not bad. This year, I'm hoping for a subscription to Coast magazine (hint, hint Santa), because, well, a girl can dream. I can curl up with this magazine and a cup of tea, winter, spring, summer or fall, and put myself in a completely different place and time. The best deal I've seen is from their own publisher, for £25.99.

Engrossing and relaxing

I hope I've given you food for thought and lightened the load that sometimes leads up to the festive celebrations. Most of all, have fun!

*Links to service and product providers mentioned here are merely for your convenience and do not come with any guarantees. Some I may have used personally, while I may have received recommendations for others from their clients or customers. I do not have any financial arrangements with anyone on this list, such as commisssions or affiliate fees.

This is what some of you said about my talk on the Telesummit!

I really enjoyed being a part of the Fertility Focus Telesummit and I'm touched by your response. Here are just a few of the messages I have received:

• "Lisa,Thank you so much for what you do. I'd love to get the worksheet.Warmly," L. 
• "[T]hank you so much for our talk and for your valuable information.  I actually listened to it twice, once by myself live and then again with my husband." MS
• "I really appreciated your talk. I would love to get your worksheet for creating a support network.Thanks so much for offering this." NS
• "I listened to your very interesting call today, thank you so much! Could you please send me your work sheet I think it is exactly what I need." PC
• "Thank you so much for sharing your insight at the Fertility Focus Telesummit - it was truly appreciated." CP
• "I found that you really "spoke" to me and it was very timely in my fertility journey." AR
• "I had a chance to listen to you on Telesummit. You are awesome! My goal is to find a friend (or maybe two) who I can talk to when I am ... down and vulnerable." SP
• "It was wonderful listening to you. Thank you." LF
• "Just listening to you doing such a great job on the Fertility Focus teleseminar - very proud of my former study buddy! [iI]'s a great idea to actually list my support network under the different categories." AS

 

If you, or someone else you know, could benefit from the other topics covered by the fertility experts listed below, get the word out to them quickly! To grab a free place on the remaining calls <--- click here.

• Using An Integrated Approach To Getting And Staying Pregnant - Dr Marilyn Glenville
• Using Acupuncture and Herbal Medicine to Increase Your IVF Results - Andrew Loosely
• How the 11 Pillars of Fertility Reveal the Secrets to Optimum Health and Fertility - Gabriela Rosa
• Aging Eggs: What You Can Do to Improve Your Chances of Conception - Zita West 
• Your Fertile Mindset: How To Prepare Yourself For Conception With EFT - Sarah Holland
• How Hypnotherapy Encourages Successful Conception -  Kristin Hayward
• Solving Your Fertility Puzzle - Sue Dumais
• Using Astrology To Optimize Your Chances Of Success In The Treatment Of Infertility - Nicola Smuts
• Finally Take Control by Charting Your Two Primary Fertility Signs - Toni Weschler
• Fertility At 40 Plus with the Law of Attraction - Deirdre Morris
• Eating to Optimize Fertility - Cindy Bailey

AND 3 Fabulous Bloggers:

• Katie from www.fromiftowhen.com;
• Elphaba (aka Runny Yolk) from www.eggsandsperm.com; and
• Heather from www. surviveandthrive.co.za

If you didn't manage to get on the first few calls, including my talk on Creating an Effective Support Network, Dr Genville, Andrew Loosely or Gabriela Rosa, you can still listen to the recordings!

By upgrading to a Golden Ticket for you can still get all 17 audio files full of information and advice about how to get what you need to maximize your chances of having the baby you want, emailed to you as an MP3 download after the Telesummit is over. That includes all 15 talks listed above, plus Sarah Holland's introductory and concluding sessions, to listen and refer back to at your leisure. This is an incredible value, for a total of $67, available while the Telesummit is still running this week. For more information and to upgrade your place on the Fertility Focus Telesummit <---- click here.

A Bonus for You as part of the Fertility Focus Telesummit

Welcome to Your Great Life, and especially today to those visiting from IComLeavWe.  I'm all set for presenting my session at the 2nd Fertility Focus Telesummit tomorrow. I have just listened to Sarah Holland, the founder and host of the Telesummit, present her introduction and it got me even more excited for the week's events.  As I shared with you in the blog above, I'm speaking to you on how "Creating an Effective Support Network Can Make All the Difference When Trying to Conceive."

In order to help you create the best support network to fulfil your unique needs, I have a Worksheet which is available FREE.  Email me at [email protected] (you can click through on the Email Icon to the right), quoting #FFTS2011 in the subject box and you will receive the worksheet by reply email.  Please feel free to include in your email any questions you have about my presentation at the Telesummit, or about fertility coaching.

If you haven't registered yet, you will want to do it right away. The presentations are live, each speaker will try to take questions and recordings are available for free for 24 hours after each presentation, or you can choose to upgrade to get all 17 audio files emailed to you after the Telesummit. 2,700 people have already signed up! Click here to register for the Fertility Focus Telesummit FREE.

The Fertility Focus Telesummit

It's nearly time for the 2nd Fertility Focus Telesummit, which will bring you 15 speakers on various aspects of fertility health and infertility support, over the course of a week.  Sarah Holland of Fertile Mindset created the Telesummit last year, which was a great success. I am really pleased to be speaking at this event, alongside other fertility experts from around the world, including Sarah; a specialist in EFT for fertility, author Toni Weschler, astrologer Nicola Smuts, pregnancy expert Zita West, nutritionist Dr Marilyn Glenville, naturopath Gabriela Rosa, hypnotherapist Kristin Hayward and others. It's free to listen, either by phone or by computer, every day, beginning on March 21st, so mark it in your diary now!  I will be explaining how, by creating an effective support network, you can make all the difference to your efforts to conceive the baby you want so much. Find out:

• Why a support network is so vital when trying to conceive.
• The 5 most important types of support you need.
• How getting support elsewhere can help save your marriage.
• Lining up the members of your "team".
• How to handle people who are unsupportive.

Click here or on the Fertility Focus Telesummit button to your right to find out more about the 15 speakers and grab your free place on the calls.

P.S. Please make sure to mark in your diary... I am speaking LIVE on Monday, March 21 at 1pm Pacific | 6pm Eastern | 10pm UK time

Where will you go from here and how will you get there?

Do you feel exhausted by your attempts to conceive this past year? I wouldn't blame you. If you are on the side of the world where December is the darkest month in the calendar, or even worse, you live in a place where the sun forgot to shine this week at all (yes, you Londoners!), you may feel just a bit hopeless. If you spent a substantial amount of time during the Thanksgiving to Boxing Day month in close proximity to women who are pregnant, or who have recently become mothers, you may feel more than a bit discouraged by your personal lack of success in that area. Or frustrated, fed up, resentful or downright furious. The big question is where are you going to go from here?

January is a great month to re-assess your position. It may be the cliche of out with the old, in with the new, but hey, if it works then why not follow it?  I'll be writing more about this during the next few weeks, including a new coaching programme that will help you solidify your intentions, streamline your actions and recognize shifts as soon as they show up in your life.

What I do want to get across to you today, is that what worked for you last year may not be what is working for you now, or what will work for you in the next 12 months. Why? Because we are always evolving; not static. You are a year older, your body may either be more or less fit, fertility treatment and/or miscarriage may have taken its toll, you may be recovering from positive surgery to clean up endometriosis or from an unexpected diagnosis, your stress level may have changed, your financial situation may have changed, and more. When creating your plan for 2011, it's essential that you do a physical and emotional audit, so that you and your partner, and even your doctor, have your eyes wide open to how you feel right now.

Instead of looking at your infertility as one long haul, it can only help to stop and assess where you are now and whether any changes need to be made. The answer may be that you are satisfied with the way things are, and you can continue on with confidence. However, if your exploration of the way you are going about life brings up questions about what can be done differently, or better, for a more effective outcome, we can work out some of those issues together. 

It would be great if you could begin jotting down notes now, as thoughts occur to you. Then, you will be ready to work with me as I introduce each step of the process in the coming weeks.  Ease yourself in gently, so you don't feel like it's hard work or get overwhelmed. My favourite first purchase every year is a new journal. I love starting fresh with the clean pages, whether I am using an old-fashioned black-and-white speckled Composition Book or a pretty and cheerful, designer journal. Just make sure it is big enough that you can use it for several months, or buy more than one, so you can continue on.

Watch for more news on the launch of this new programme.

 

 

 

Tips for managing those holiday celebrations: How NOT to be a party animal or a sitting duck

The other day, I wrote about playing my "if I won the lottery" game to help you decide what you really want to do during the festive season. While many would choose the escape-for-two, I am guessing that some of you couldn't figure out how to extricate yourself from the usual celebrations and perhaps a few of you really didn't want to be left out. Our job then, is to make sure you get through this month with your sanity, your dignity and your relationships intact.

Here are my tips for managing holiday events if you're sticking close to home:

The invitations - If you are trying to conceive, and being careful about pretty much everything you eat, drink, inhale and talk about, probably the last thing you want to be around is other people overindulging. So choose wisely. Keep reminding yourself that you have choices. If you dread an event to the extent that the anticipation is making you ill, even if it's your parents' Christmas dinner, opt out. It's not worth being a dutiful daughter at the expense of your health. If it's not all that bad and you do choose to go, you can still control how you participate and how long you stay.

• The Family Do - Arrive at your parents' or sibling's home just a few minutes before the planned sit-down meal. Keep busy in the intervening time with kisses, hugs and a flurry of gift-giving. Eat well and with many compliments to the various cooks, with lots of smiles, and help to clear the table. Straight after, make an excuse about why you have to leave AND GO. Giving your excuse too much in advance gives people time to argue with it and probe your reasons.
• The In-Laws' Family Do - Exclaim with joy about their wonderful son, your partner, who is so romantic, so generous, so thoughtful and considerate to   plan an intimate and special Christmas just for two! You'll be by early on to exchange gifts  (before any alcohol is passed), then whisked back to your cosy place, or a boutique hotel, for the meal. They can't criticize their amazing boy, can they?
• The Office Party - Unless this takes place during working hours, just beg off sick at the last minute. Office Christmas parties are renowned for being strewn with awkward encounters with people you wouldn't choose to socialize with out of work and faux pas you don't want to face up to the following week (not necessarily your own). Give it a miss. More people will be gossiping about who did attend than worrying about who didn't.
• The Cocktail Party - Whether it's old friends or the neighbors, it's no fun when you are the only one not drinking. That, and the loose talk that comes with alcohol, should keep you well away. If you don't want to say that you are trying to conceive, and you also don't want to seem standoff-ish, try saying you have dinner reservations but you will stop off on the way for a quick drink, then make sure it's sparkling water. Leave at the time you planned, with a big smile and lots of cheer. Either that, or agree in advance to watch each other's backs all night long, rescue each other from unwanted conversations and keep filling your glass with the non-alcoholic stuff so you are never put in an awkward situation of having to explain.
• New Year's Eve - It used to be so much fun, but so is a rom-com on DVD, the  living room illuminated with candles and sparkly bits, followed by a gorgeous midnight breakfast a deux. No one has to be the designated driver and there will be no hangover the next day.

It's our turn to have everyone to us for Christmas! - Actually, that can be a good thing.  Just take protective measures. One way to maintain some control of what goes on around you, of course, is to be the host(ess). Invite who you want to see and manage their expectations, and hopefully, their behaviour, by the type of invitations you issue.

Ideas and protective measures:

• Making a change to Boxing Day, so it's more active and less sofa-bound, could be a great diversion from your TTC status. Ask everyone to meet you  mid-afternoon at a local ice-skating rink, then invite them back for hot chocolate and cookies. Don't offer dinner, and eventually they will go home to eat Christmas leftovers.
• Instead of having a New Year's Eve party, invite people to a New Year's Day brunch instead. Serve breakfast-y food with pre-made Mimosas and plain juice in champagne glasses and coffee to people who overindulged the night before. Don't worry if your friends are beer drinkers or like something harder. You are in charge in your home. They can do as they please when they get home to their well-stocked liquor cabinet.
• If you are having a sit-down meal, put place cards at the table, ensuring that you don't have to sit at the same end as the tactless Aunt who always asks when you are going to have children, the sister-in-law who has just announced she's pregnant or or the cousin who gushes about her darling princess. Not that you have anything against them; it can just be hard to be around when you are lacking those very things.
• Your secret weapon could be someone in whom you confide beforehand, who agrees to step in and divert conversation whenever there is even a whiff of trouble. 

You decide what to discuss and what to keep private - Whether you are out at someone else's party or hosting your own, it's your decision how much to reveal about your plans, your challenges and your disappointments.  So, it's well worth deciding beforehand what you will say and agreeing it with your partner. There is little else more uncomfortable than being backed into a corner and lost for words.

I call this the surprise attack, even though it may be unintentionally hurtful. Some people may sincerely want to show they care, are thinking of you and want to help. While you may want to shout "it's none of your _________ business!" or cry, those are the two acts that will bring you the most unwanted attention. Write down some of your most feared questions and comments, then come up with answers that are acceptable to you and will firmly discourage further discussion. This second part could take some time, but it's worthwhile to be ready and equipped to deal with the situation.

Be prepared with a few remarks like these:

• "You'll be one of the first to know when there's something to tell," or "We have agreed to keep it quiet for the moment." Neither of these statements gives anything away at all, yet, they aren't offensive. 
• If you do decide to give out some information, you can limit further conversation by saying "I'm superstitious, so I don't want to jinx anything by talking about it. I'm sure you understand."
• If you run into someone at a party who saw you at the gynaecologist's office or fertility clinic, quietly say "I know I can trust you to keep what you know confidential."
• If someone doesn't get the point behind your words or behaviour and pushes a little too hard, try saying "I would really like to have a good time here tonight, but that depends upon not having to think or talk about certain things. I'd be so grateful for a little distraction. What have you been up to lately?"

Whatever you do, don't martyr yourself to the holidays. They are there to be enjoyed. If all you can anticipate is pain,  short-term coaching is the ideal tool for resolving that anxiety and easing those relationships. The goal is to find a resolution that allows you to join in and have some fun.

 

Should I stay or should I go?

It's fair to say that the holidays can bring up some additional challenges for people who are trying to conceive, or who have experienced a pregnancy loss. However, some of that anticipated difficulty can be avoided. Now, please don't jump to any conclusions that I am pointing the finger at you and saying you are responsible for awkward moments, insensitive comments or exclusion that you may encounter! You may not be able to avoid a social occasion completely, or anticipate what someone else will say. However, you can take actions in at least a few ways that will maximize your feeling of control and minimize your emotional upset.

Plans - We are just one toe into December, so you have  a 4-week stretch of holiday celebrations and days off to plan. If you anticipate the usual celebrations giving you a bit of bother, do something about it, by planning ahead who you will see, what you will do and how you will protect yourself. I have heard many people sigh with resignation over being expected to do certain things with certain people at this time of year and having no choice. People may not like change, but nothing is written in stone. They will get over it. Keep reminding yourself that you always have choices.

Yes?  No? It really is up to you. Have you been invited to a holiday party you dread attending?  Are you worried about being able to abstain from alcohol while others are drinking?  Lots of women are brought up to smile and go along with what is best for everyone else, regardless of how much it pains them. It's called people-pleasing, and we all do it sometimes, but it shouldn't be entirely at your expense. This is the time to ask yourself what YOU really want. If you decide that partying isn't in your best interest, smile and firmly say "Thank you so much for the invitation, but we have made other plans this year."

Storytelling - We all tell ourselves a little story about why we have to do things a certain way. Then we act it out as closely to the storyline as we can, validating our expectations and feelings about them. Unfortunately, this doesn't account for personalities, secrets and sore spots. From your mother-in-law's perspective, this may be "her year" to have you and your  husband on Christmas and it may not occur to her that a family get-together will be hard for you. Your sister may think that as a new Auntie, you will want to be right there at her baby's first Christmas, not realizing that your heart is breaking. On these occasions, your own storytelling may include feelings of being different, excluded, lonely, lacking, conspicuous or jealous. Imagine how you will be acting out that story; if it's not a pretty picture, do something about it!

Options - It can be a huge relief to realize that you do actually have options and are entitled to pursue them.  NOT having to do something specific empowers you to decide what you will do. If the calendar was completely empty and you had several days off, what would you do with them? 

How do you decide what is a viable alternative to what's already on offer? One of my favourite ways is to play the "if I won some money in the lottery, what would I do for Christmas?" game. The way this works is that it allows both of you to fantasize about your ideal break, without constraints, since no one would blame you for taking your dream holiday just this once. Once you have decided what that would be, you can make it happen in real life, even though it won't be funded by the lottery. Maybe you will decide to move your February break to December and completely opt out of the festive season, but it does 't necessarily have to be an all-or-nothing proposition. Perhaps you stay around home for Christmas Day, but plan a weekend break that will help you avoid a particular party. A Christmas gift of a Spa and Detox Day for Two, or special theatre tickets could come in handy.

If you won some money, would you put it into an extra special Christmas dinner with luxurious food and gifts for your extended family? If so, then staying put and participating in family festivities may be where you should be. The trick is to then manage the day(s) so that you get the most out of it, and avoid any unnecessary pain. More on that later.

If you decided to put your hypothetical winnings into an escape for two, far from the pressures and confrontations that a family get-together might create, prepare yourself for the reactions you may get. It may cause some awkwardness. Someone may have hurt feelings temporarily. You may miss certain people and be missed. However, if peoples' noses are out of joint over your decision, ask whether it is about their own inflexibility, their lack of independence or some other personal agenda on their part. Then balance their needs against yours on this particular occasion.  We aren't talking about permanent change; just one holiday.

Selfish? You may be wondering if it's selfish to want to do your own thing around holiday time. We are bombarded with messages of togetherness, gift-giving and cheer. However, if you think about what we truly wish for each other, it's usually happiness and good health for the coming year. If you are not in a state to enjoy festivities, then the excess food and drink, the crush of Christmas shopping, the late nights and intrusive questions,  certainly aren't going to be good for your happiness or health. Just remember that, unless you actually tell everyone you are trying to conceive or just had an unsuccessful IVF cycle, not everyone will know why you don't feel like joining in. If you want your privacy, you may have to put up with people drawing their own conclusions. I like the idea of a note saying; "We hope you will understand that we feel we aren't up to a get-together at the moment.  Thank you for thinking of us." That's not selfish. That's smart.

Here are my top tips for deciding "Should I stay or should I go?"

1. Agree with your partner that your first loyalty is to each other;
2. Make a list of your priorities (ex. relaxation, fun, family time, nurturing, supporting other people, contribution to the community, spirituality, health and wellbeing, privacy) so you can tick most of those boxes;
3. Each write down what it would feel like to be away on your dream holiday for Christmas and contrast that to how you anticipate you will feel at a family get-together, taking into account who will be there, past holidays and your current situation;
4. Balance someone else's temporary reaction against how you feel, remembering that if you are trying to conceive, or grieving the loss of a pregnancy, you must put your needs first;
5. Decide what you would like to do and then give yourself permission to do it. This does not mean asking permission of the whole family, as you will only confuse the issue with the varying opinions;
6. Follow through. Once the decision is made, book your plans before discussing it with the family/friends/office. 
7. Decide which one of you will let the various important people in your life know what you are doing and what you will say.  We often have difficulty saying "I want" or "I need" with conviction. While it's preferable in the long run to stand up for yourself and voice your own desires and needs, if this is your first time swimming against the tide, it may be easier if you and your partner announce your plans to each other's family.  You could say that the time away is your Christmas gift to each other, or that you believe that your partner really needs a break. Getting involved in deep discussion about why you don't want to be at the family get-together is unnecessary, could get emotional and may result in you bending to pressure or guilt.
8. Make alternate plans with family and friends to show you care. If the big get-together seemed overwhelming, try inviting just a few people over for cake and coffee, or have a gift-exchange with a girlfriend over lunch instead of spending a whole afternoon with her adorable children;
9. Enjoy yourself. After all, that's what this is all about. If you spend your time feeling guilty, you defeat the purpose.

 Watch for my next post for tips on how to manage the holiday celebrations you can't avoid. 

"My cousin's infertile... can you help her?"

Today, after a meeting, I was approached by a woman who wanted to tell me about relatives of hers who have had extreme problems with infertility and are childless. She was concerned about the couple, both for their individual happiness and for the future of their marriage. I listened to her story and then asked how I could help. The answer: "I don't know."

This wasn't the first time I have been in this situation and I know it won't be the last.  For people like my acquaintance, it's a relief to be able to unburden their worries about loved ones to someone who understands.  They feel helpless, unable to offer help directly to people who choose not to share the details of their infertility and the depth of their pain.  In my early coaching days, I thought a referral would follow, so I kept mental notes of the confidante and her story. I no longer have this expectation, because I know that the inquiry was as much about the enquirer's need for release, information and reassurance, as it was about the subject of our conversation. It makes them feel that they are doing something positive by checking with me and being reassured that there is help available if their family or friends were to seek it. Being there for them in those few moments is simply part of what I do.

It got me thinking, though, about those people who are worried about an aspect of someone else's infertility, and don't have the ability to tap me on the shoulder or motion me aside for a quick chat. Whether they are the want-to-be grandparent, the sister-in-law, cousin or friend, it can be a difficult position to be in. So, I've amswered some of the most frequently asked questions I get from them, below:

FAQ:  My relative has been married for several years and not had any children yet. I know they would want children, so I think one of them must be infertile. I feel really bad about inviting them to family get-togethers, knowing that it must be hard for them. What should I do?

Answer: Never assume the reason why someone is childless.  They may have decided to wait a while, or they could be having problems conceiving. If they haven't shared their reasons with you, it's because they want privacy.  Absolutely do not stop inviting them to be a part of family gatherings for a reason you have only guessed at. Even if they find these events difficult, it should be their decision to attend or not.

FAQ:  The rest of the family is speculating about my relative's supposed infertility. I'm afraid to ask questions, but I also don't want them to think that I am part of the gossip.  Is it better to be up front and tell them I'm concerned?

Answer:  Only you can know how thin-skinned your relatives are. However, the other side of the equation is how congruent you want to be. Is it important that you let them know that you are worried about them and that you want to be supportive? If you are just curious, can you justify possibly embarrassing the couple by asking about their fertility?  Balance your desires against their right to privacy, keeping in mind the strength of your relationship and whether it will withstand this conversation.

FAQ:  I can see that this couple is suffering, but I don't know how to handle it. What can I say?

Answer: If you feel strongly about reaching out, then I would suggest that you try to be as empathetic as possible; stand as if in their shoes and think about how you would feel if the highly sensitive topic of your infertility was raised.  What would make it okay for you...sincerity, warmth, a promise of confidentiality, an offer of support?

FAQ:  Can you help them get pregnant?

Answer: I can help them focus on what they want, align their process of trying to conceive with their value system, commit to doing everything they need to do to enhance their fertility health, reduce their stress and restore their confidence and hope.  In other words, everything we do together would be directed at helping them create their family. I believe most people in this situation would have a better chance of conceiving with specialized fertility support than without it.

FAQ:  I think my daughter-in-law needs some professional help coping with the stress of trying to conceive, but I don't dare suggest it. How do I let her know that help is available to her?

Answer:  Tread very carefully here. The difficulty is that a highly stressed, sensitive person could take great offence at the suggestion that they needed professional help, even if it's true. I suggest that you wait for an opening, i.e. a conversation about anything she and your son want to achieve.  You could mention having read an article about coaching and thinking how everyone could use that kind of support at one point or another in their lives. That plants the seed without you having to do any digging. Then just sit back and let the idea take hold.

FAQ:  I would like to refer my relative to you for fertility coaching, but I would be more comfortable if you contacted them directly. Is it okay for me to give you their details?

Answer:  I don't work that way.  It's important that the client have the opportunity to take the forward action themselves. They have to own the decision to go into coaching in order to commit to the process and believe that the desired result can be theirs. So, I ask that prospective clients contact me at first. I will offer them a consultation and then leave it to them to decide whether to be coached.

FAQ:  Can I give coaching as a gift to my children?

Answer: It's a generous gift and one which could be welcomed by your children if they want coaching but think they can't afford it.  You can arrange payment details directly with them and let me know how it is to be set up. However, you must know that the client is the person I see in sessions and our work is confidential.  I will not be able to discuss the progress of their coaching with you, regardless of who pays the session fees.

The key to reversing overwhelm: create a big picture or break it down into bits

I have written several times about the overload of information, as well as the sheer weight of emotion, that infertile people are subjected to while trying to conceive. It's rare that I come across a person, or couple, who has not felt that way at one point or another in the process. Some, more than others, of course. Our ability to handle these phases and move through them has to do with focus. As with any other challenge, if you keep your eye on the desired result, you will be able to re-group after a minor glitch.  Without focus, a minor setback can blow up out of proportion and create an obstacle that has the potential of throwing you off course. 

An example of this is the attrition rate from IVF. When Dr Sam Abdallah of the Lister Clinic spoke recently at the Fertility Show about the success rates for a fertility clinic, he pointed out that in a first cycle, approximately 30% of women under the age of 35 may become pregnant. Of the remaining 70%, half of them will give up and half will go on to a second cycle, and so on. So, take 100 women who cycle, in IVF terms, together. Of the 70 women whose cycle did not result in pregnancy, approximately 35 of them will decide for whatever reason that they cannot go through that experience again.  30% of the 35 who do repeat the IVF will conceive, making a total of approximately 42 of the original 100 pregnant, and so on.

Of those who drop out of an IVF program, their individual reasons may include financial stress, marital stress, the medicalization of what should be a natural, intimate process, the impact of the fertility drugs on their system, the imbalance in their lives caused by the obsession with conception, etc... In one way or another, they felt overwhelmed by the odds and decided that the trade-off wasn't worthwhile. I would bet that if these women were able to turn the overwhelmed feeling around before it became so big that it eclipsed the desire to go through IVF again, the numbers would be different.

Think of how it feels to be overwhelmed. You may disconnect from whatever you are involved in and shut it out. You can get a headache or migraine which interferes with your ability to listen. You may feel dizzy. You may be aware that someone is trying to talk to you, but feel that there is an invisible, glass wall between you. You may fantasize about being at home under the comfort of your duvet. You can feel very tired. You will have difficulty concentrating. Maybe nothing makes sense. To keep pursuing conception under those circumstances may be counter-productive as stress and negativity can suppress the hormones you need to conceive.

Create a big picture - There are times when we have to look at the big picture for everything to make sense. A rather literal example of this is a painting in the pointillist style, such as those by artist George Seurat.  The image created with hundreds, if not thousands, of small dots of colour on a canvas may be difficult to decipher, however, in taking a step back from the painting, the eye sorts out the play of light, shadow and shapes and the "big picture" is revealed.  In a similar way, all that you are thinking, questioning, learning, doing, feeling and discussing can overload your senses to the point that you lose sight of where they each begin and end or how they fit together. Step back from the process of trying to conceive and look at why you are doing it, to reinforce your priorities and justify the amount of effort you are putting in. Then, begin to break down that picture into small bits.

Break it down - The other way to reduce your anxiety is to identify all the different aspects of your life that are contributing to the overwhelmed feeling. It may seem more manageable to deal with each one of them individually, either one or a few at a time.  Once you remove the first few obstacles, the renewed sense of control will allow you to tackle some of the more difficult or complex obstacles. At this point, you should be able to put the rest of the obstacles into context and order them by priority. Before long, the feeling of overwhelm should be gone.

Change the way you process responsibilities -

1. Look back at what set you off in the first place. Were there any warning signs that it was all getting too much for you? If you can, list those signs so you will recognize when you are in danger of feeling overwhelmed again. 
2. Learn to respond rather than react. Don't let it all pile up on you to the point where you burst out of frustration or stress.
3. Analyze each situation, thinking "what is being asked of me?" Is this something I am capable of doing?  If so, put it on a to-do list; if not, figure out whether the best course would be to delegate, ask for help or say "No."

Example of overwhelm: You are hoping for the go-ahead from the fertility clinic for treatment. In the meantime, you're busily researching the condition you think you may have (let's say endometriosis), as well as every medical term you have heard in your appointments. You are trying to find the right fertility charting software, so you are trawling the online forums for recommendations. You have found a fertility-friendly food and fitness plan but your cabinets are full of high-fat and high-sugar snacks you have to finish first. You have been told by the nutritionist to get a fortune's worth of vitamin supplements.  You have to use your lunch hours to see the acupuncturist, while 2 evenings a week are spent on webinars given by the big-name clinics.  You're only a few pounds overweight, but you don't want any obstacles to conception, so you are cutting down your food and weighing yourself 3 times a day. You want nothing more than permission to get started, but the thought of injecting yourself with the fertility meds in a few weeks makes you so uptight you can't breathe.  You feel exhausted and are having mood swings.  Lately, if anyone so much as uses a sharp or impatient tone, you get tearful and run from the room.

First, list everything that is overwhelming you in the most simple terms, leaving out any description or emotional language. So, the above situation can be broken down like this:

• medical tests
• learning about endometriosis
• find the best infertility glossary
• find the best fertility charting method/software
• start posting on a fertility forum and "friend" some regulars
• clear out the larder/freezer of junk food
• get the vitamin supplements into a workable system
• find time for the acupuncturist
• lose 5 pounds
• reduce the fear around self-injecting

Put it away - Once you have made your list, I would recommend that you put it away until the following day. Some people will look at the list and panic that it is so long, while others find a sense of relief just from getting this far. Knowing that the list exists may be enough to feel some of the weight temporarily lifted. That part is due to personality, but it doesn't need to affect the end result.  When you return to the list, categorize the entries under headings in a new list, such as: medical, informational, connections, diet and nutrition, complementary therapy and emotional wellbeing.

Let's take Diet and Nutrition, under which you will have listed:

1. Banish junk food
2. Take vitamin supplements
3. Lose 5 pounds

Then, under each entry, break down the goals further into manageable tasks with time frames:

Ex. - Banish junk food

1. Over the weekend, remove all sweets, crisps and high-fat food from kitchen cabinets to a box and put in the boot of the car and possibly donate as "party food" to a local group;
2. On garbage-collection day, throw out all high-calorie, high-fat and high-sugar frozen and refrigerated food.
3. Make a list of healthy, lower-calorie foods and plan meals for the week.
4. Go grocery shopping with  list to replace junk food with healthy food.

The immediate result of making your list is that you will begin to focus on a narrow area. Intially, you may only be able to picture the tasks and the desired result, but once you begin acting on them, you will recognize a new sense of control and the context; how it relates to and impacts upon the whole process of trying to conceive.  By focusing, you will cease to worry about the enormity of everything you have to do when taken in total.  In fact, by following this path, you will see a knock-on effect that will shine a little light elsewhere as well.

Ex. - Eating more healthily may mean you can reduce the vitamin supplements you take, and give you more energy. Eat better -> less tired -> less moody -> lose a few pounds -> you may experience a boost to your self-esteem. What next? Perhaps, feeling good will make introducing yourself on a fertility forum that much easier. Be friendly -> attract followers -> share your experience of the diet and nutrition plan -> earn friendship, gratitude, support -> ask for recommendations of fertility charting method and other peoples' stories of how they dealt with the fear of self-injecting -> feel connected and supported -> the feeling of being overwhelmed goes.

You can see the process. If you are committed to creating  family, you are in for some hard work, but you can handle it. If it ever seems like it's all too much for you; step back to give you the time and space to identify the essential actions required of you.  Break down the elements into manageable portions and systematically tackle each one separately.  Use the positive results in one area to motivate you in another area. When you feel that some control has been restored, start looking at the separate parts in the context of the whole process again, so that it makes sense.

Actress Emma Thompson had secondary infertility

Why is it important for us to know that celebrities like Emma Thompson suffer with infertility?  Yesterday's Daily Telegraph carried an article, by Gordon Rayner - Chief Reporter, about the actress Emma Thompson's depression over the failure of multiple IVF attempts to have a second child in her early forties. Thompson and her husband, Greg Wise, already had one daughter, Gaia, but wanted more children. Several cycles of IVF failed to fulfill their dream.

Infertility strikes indiscriminately, without regard for who you are, how many children you dream of having or how much money you have. A beautiful, talented, wealthy actress has no edge over the rest of us merely beautiful women when it comes to the tricks that our reproductive systems can play in the baby-making game. Thompson is quoted in the article as saying that she was so devastated by her inability to conceive that she was unable "to get dressed or leave her house" some days. I'm sure that a lot of you can relate to that feeling, as I can.

The difference, perhaps, between Emma's situation and many other women, is that she was able to afford to pay for several cycles of IVF in her forties, beyond the age of entitlement to NHS fertility treatment. Having suffered from depression on previous occasions, Emma sought counselling and was treated with prescription antidepressants during this difficult time.  She continues to see her therapist weekly. This, in itself, is helpful for infertile women to hear. Knowing that someone you may admire has had emotional support for the feelings associated with infertility can persuade a depressed, stressed or merely confused person to seek help themselves. It can help validate their feelings, make them accept that there is a problem and hopeful to know that it is one which can be helped.

The name given to an inability to conceive after having a child is secondary infertility.  It's a shame that the Telegraph article didn't mention that, because people who read the article just because it's about Emma Thompson, could be made aware that this is a medical condition. A woman who has one child and hasn't conceived another, may seek help from her doctor as a result. Others, who wonder why a couple has only had one child may realize that it is not necessarily by choice and be careful about insensitive remarks they may otherwise have made.

There can be the tendency, whenever someone is struck ill or a medical condition arises that appears to be random and particularly unfair: Why me? We think that it doesn't make sense. We look at ourselves and wonder what we did to deserve this. I'm sure that Emma Thompson had these thoughts while she was struggling with secondary infertility. There is no answer to this question. No one deserves it. Sometimes, the way life unfolds answers the question in unexpected ways. Emma later went on to adopt a 16-year old Rwandan boy, a former child-soldier, in 2003. The Telegraph quotes her as saying that it convinced her that it was "probably a good thing" she hadn't become pregnant again.