I have written several times about the overload of information, as well as the sheer weight of emotion, that infertile people are subjected to while trying to conceive. It's rare that I come across a person, or couple, who has not felt that way at one point or another in the process. Some, more than others, of course. Our ability to handle these phases and move through them has to do with focus. As with any other challenge, if you keep your eye on the desired result, you will be able to re-group after a minor glitch. Without focus, a minor setback can blow up out of proportion and create an obstacle that has the potential of throwing you off course.
An example of this is the attrition rate from IVF. When Dr Sam Abdallah of the Lister Clinic spoke recently at the Fertility Show about the success rates for a fertility clinic, he pointed out that in a first cycle, approximately 30% of women under the age of 35 may become pregnant. Of the remaining 70%, half of them will give up and half will go on to a second cycle, and so on. So, take 100 women who cycle, in IVF terms, together. Of the 70 women whose cycle did not result in pregnancy, approximately 35 of them will decide for whatever reason that they cannot go through that experience again. 30% of the 35 who do repeat the IVF will conceive, making a total of approximately 42 of the original 100 pregnant, and so on.
Of those who drop out of an IVF program, their individual reasons may include financial stress, marital stress, the medicalization of what should be a natural, intimate process, the impact of the fertility drugs on their system, the imbalance in their lives caused by the obsession with conception, etc... In one way or another, they felt overwhelmed by the odds and decided that the trade-off wasn't worthwhile. I would bet that if these women were able to turn the overwhelmed feeling around before it became so big that it eclipsed the desire to go through IVF again, the numbers would be different.
Think of how it feels to be overwhelmed. You may disconnect from whatever you are involved in and shut it out. You can get a headache or migraine which interferes with your ability to listen. You may feel dizzy. You may be aware that someone is trying to talk to you, but feel that there is an invisible, glass wall between you. You may fantasize about being at home under the comfort of your duvet. You can feel very tired. You will have difficulty concentrating. Maybe nothing makes sense. To keep pursuing conception under those circumstances may be counter-productive as stress and negativity can suppress the hormones you need to conceive.
Create a big picture - There are times when we have to look at the big picture for everything to make sense. A rather literal example of this is a painting in the pointillist style, such as those by artist George Seurat. The image created with hundreds, if not thousands, of small dots of colour on a canvas may be difficult to decipher, however, in taking a step back from the painting, the eye sorts out the play of light, shadow and shapes and the "big picture" is revealed. In a similar way, all that you are thinking, questioning, learning, doing, feeling and discussing can overload your senses to the point that you lose sight of where they each begin and end or how they fit together. Step back from the process of trying to conceive and look at why you are doing it, to reinforce your priorities and justify the amount of effort you are putting in. Then, begin to break down that picture into small bits.
Break it down - The other way to reduce your anxiety is to identify all the different aspects of your life that are contributing to the overwhelmed feeling. It may seem more manageable to deal with each one of them individually, either one or a few at a time. Once you remove the first few obstacles, the renewed sense of control will allow you to tackle some of the more difficult or complex obstacles. At this point, you should be able to put the rest of the obstacles into context and order them by priority. Before long, the feeling of overwhelm should be gone.
Change the way you process responsibilities -
- Look back at what set you off in the first place. Were there any warning signs that it was all getting too much for you? If you can, list those signs so you will recognize when you are in danger of feeling overwhelmed again.
- Learn to respond rather than react. Don't let it all pile up on you to the point where you burst out of frustration or stress.
- Analyze each situation, thinking "what is being asked of me?" Is this something I am capable of doing? If so, put it on a to-do list; if not, figure out whether the best course would be to delegate, ask for help or say "No."
Example of overwhelm: You are hoping for the go-ahead from the fertility clinic for treatment. In the meantime, you're busily researching the condition you think you may have (let's say endometriosis), as well as every medical term you have heard in your appointments. You are trying to find the right fertility charting software, so you are trawling the online forums for recommendations. You have found a fertility-friendly food and fitness plan but your cabinets are full of high-fat and high-sugar snacks you have to finish first. You have been told by the nutritionist to get a fortune's worth of vitamin supplements. You have to use your lunch hours to see the acupuncturist, while 2 evenings a week are spent on webinars given by the big-name clinics. You're only a few pounds overweight, but you don't want any obstacles to conception, so you are cutting down your food and weighing yourself 3 times a day. You want nothing more than permission to get started, but the thought of injecting yourself with the fertility meds in a few weeks makes you so uptight you can't breathe. You feel exhausted and are having mood swings. Lately, if anyone so much as uses a sharp or impatient tone, you get tearful and run from the room.
First, list everything that is overwhelming you in the most simple terms, leaving out any description or emotional language. So, the above situation can be broken down like this:
- medical tests
- learning about endometriosis
- find the best infertility glossary
- find the best fertility charting method/software
- start posting on a fertility forum and "friend" some regulars
- clear out the larder/freezer of junk food
- get the vitamin supplements into a workable system
- find time for the acupuncturist
- lose 5 pounds
- reduce the fear around self-injecting
Put it away - Once you have made your list, I would recommend that you put it away until the following day. Some people will look at the list and panic that it is so long, while others find a sense of relief just from getting this far. Knowing that the list exists may be enough to feel some of the weight temporarily lifted. That part is due to personality, but it doesn't need to affect the end result. When you return to the list, categorize the entries under headings in a new list, such as: medical, informational, connections, diet and nutrition, complementary therapy and emotional wellbeing.
Let's take Diet and Nutrition, under which you will have listed:
- Banish junk food
- Take vitamin supplements
- Lose 5 pounds
Then, under each entry, break down the goals further into manageable tasks with time frames:
Ex. - Banish junk food
- Over the weekend, remove all sweets, crisps and high-fat food from kitchen cabinets to a box and put in the boot of the car and possibly donate as "party food" to a local group;
- On garbage-collection day, throw out all high-calorie, high-fat and high-sugar frozen and refrigerated food.
- Make a list of healthy, lower-calorie foods and plan meals for the week.
- Go grocery shopping with list to replace junk food with healthy food.
The immediate result of making your list is that you will begin to focus on a narrow area. Intially, you may only be able to picture the tasks and the desired result, but once you begin acting on them, you will recognize a new sense of control and the context; how it relates to and impacts upon the whole process of trying to conceive. By focusing, you will cease to worry about the enormity of everything you have to do when taken in total. In fact, by following this path, you will see a knock-on effect that will shine a little light elsewhere as well.
Ex. - Eating more healthily may mean you can reduce the vitamin supplements you take, and give you more energy. Eat better -> less tired -> less moody -> lose a few pounds -> you may experience a boost to your self-esteem. What next? Perhaps, feeling good will make introducing yourself on a fertility forum that much easier. Be friendly -> attract followers -> share your experience of the diet and nutrition plan -> earn friendship, gratitude, support -> ask for recommendations of fertility charting method and other peoples' stories of how they dealt with the fear of self-injecting -> feel connected and supported -> the feeling of being overwhelmed goes.
You can see the process. If you are committed to creating family, you are in for some hard work, but you can handle it. If it ever seems like it's all too much for you; step back to give you the time and space to identify the essential actions required of you. Break down the elements into manageable portions and systematically tackle each one separately. Use the positive results in one area to motivate you in another area. When you feel that some control has been restored, start looking at the separate parts in the context of the whole process again, so that it makes sense.
Recent Comments